Skip to main content

Full text of "Fun in a doctor's life .."

See other formats

/:    /> 

Digitized  by  the  Internet  Archive 

in  2007  with  funding  from 

IVIicrosoft  Corporation 


Fun  in  a  Doctor's  Life 








Shobal  Vail  clevenger,  m.  d.    e 


Medical  Jurisprudence  cf  Insanity,  Evolution  of  Man  and   His  Mind,  Spinal   Con- 
cussion, Therapeutics  Materia  Medica  and  Practice.  Artistic  Anatomy, 
Method  of  Government  Surveying,  Etc.,  Etc. 



Etolution  Publishing  Company 

atlantic  city,  n.  j. 


45X46     n 



I      B  1945  L 

Copyright  1908 

Shobal  Vail  Cievenger 

Fun  in  a  Doctor's  Life 


The  world  is  a  comedy  to  those  who  think,  and  a  tragedy 
to  those  who  feel." — Horace  Walpole. 

When  the  upper  Wisconsin  lumber  region  was 
^^rougli  and  tumble"  there  was  a  yarn  that  a  traveler 
met  several  men,  one  after  the  other,  looking  ragged 
and  mutilated  as  though  just  from  a  battle. 

The  pilgrim  naturally  asked  what  was  up. 

'^Oh,  nothin',  only  havin'  a  little  fun  with  the 
boys  at  Oshkosh." 

Similar  responses  were  made  by  the  others  as  they 
passed  and  were  asked  to  explain  their  wounds  and 
disorder.  They  had  evidently  had  a  royal  good  time, 
such  as  Sir  Walter  Scott  described  in  the  career  of 
Richard  III  with  Friar  Tuck,  or  Dumas  tells  of  the 
roystering  fete  of  Landi,  and  legends  hand  down  to 
us  of  Donnybrook  and  Kilkenny  fairs. 

Little  Fauntelroy  goes  forth  spotlessly  clad  and 
returns  mud-spattered,  tattered  and  with  a  ^'black- 
eye"  (ecchymosis),  to  be  upbraided  by  his  mother 
with:  '^Didn't  I  tell  you  not  to  play  with  those 
naughty  boys  ?" 

"I  didn't,  they  played  with  me  1" 


The  first  troglodite  ape-man  who  disturbed  vested 
interests  bj  proposing  to  ventilate  and  cleanse  the 
caves  they  dwelt  in,  had  fun  with  the  boys  and  their 
stone  hammers. 

The  last  reformer  who  yawped  against  gang-rule 
and  was  put  in  the  penitentiary  on  a  trumped-up 
charge  because  of  his  daring  to  fight  the  machine  boss, 
afforded  fun  to  the  gangsters  and  incidentally  picked 
up  a  lot  of  it  himself,  the  recollection  of  which  con- 
soles him  as  he  "plays  checkers  with  his  nose"  in  the 
spaces  between  crossed  iron  bars  of  his  cell  window. 

And  he  had  the  fun  of  trying  to  reform  things. 

Fighting  is  fun  for  soldiers,  and  when  the  fool 
reformer  is  a  self-appointed  soldier  to  an  under- 
estimated task,  that  grows  bigger  as  he  is  alternately 
knocked  down  and  scrambles  onward,  he  can  get 
amusement  and  satisfaction  out  of  accomplishing 
trifles  or  being  defeated. 

Base  ball,  foot  ball,  and  other  survivals  of  glad- 
iator and  bull  fighting  entertainments  are  relished 
by  both  sides,  participators  and  "rooters."  Gog- 
Magog  eats  Davids  and  Jack  Giant  Killers  daily. 
Demagogues  discomfit  reformers  perpetually,  and  if 
the  principles  for  which  the  reformer  troubled  him- 
self and  his  sleepy  neighbors  prevail  for  a  time,  he 
is  merely  remembered  as  having  done  something  dis- 
agreeable on  a  remote  occasion,  and  the  same  iden- 
tical gangsters  he  fought  label  themselves  reformers, 
stealing  the  livery  of  heaven  to  serve  the  devil  in,  and 
crowd  him  out  of  any  participation  of  benefits. 


There  are  many  old  saws  to  comfort  him : 

^'Thrice  is  he  armed  who  hath  his  quarrel  just," 
and  the  remark  of  the  philosopher  Schopenhauer  that : 
^^Xo  one  can  teach  this  old  world  anything  and  hope 
to  escape  with  a  whole  skin,"  similar  to  Professor 
White's  comfortable  assurance  that:  ^'Everyone  who 
has  attempted  to  do  good  to  his  fellows  in.  this  world 
has  been  made  to  suffer  for  it." 

The  comfort  being  in  the  limitation  to  ^^this 

Slowly  things  grow  better  as  we  trample  over  the 
bones  of  those  who  made  them  so,  and  so  long  as  right 
prevails  in  the  end  what  more  can  we  ask  ?  There  is 
genuine  satisfaction  in  feeling  that  you  deserved  to 
succeed,  whether  you  did  or  not,  and  you  have  the 
fun  of  being  on  the  right  side. 

Right  forever  on  the  scaffold, 
\Yrong   forever  on  the  throne; 
But  that  scaffold  sways  the  future, 
And  behind  tlie  dim  unknown, 
Standeth  God  within  the  shadow, 
Keeping  watch  above  His  own. 

Mental  evolution  develops  high  types  of  men  who 
seek  wholly  the  good  of  their  fellows,  not  necessarily 
perfect  in  other  matters  themselves,  for  they  are 
mortals  like  those  whose  welfare  they  promote ;  who 
cheerfidly  sustain  privations,  misunderstandings, 
revilings,  anything  for  the  sake  of  the  cause  they 
believe  in. 

The  dogged  determination  of  the  soldier  who 
stood  guard  at  the  gate  of  Pompeii  while  the  volcano 


ashes  buried  him,  may  be  united  with  an  intellectual 
conviction  that  however  relative  may  be  the  terms 
right  and  wrong,  when  it  comes  to  doing  good  to 
others  there  are  spirits  of  absolute  right  and  wrong, 
on  whose  sides  are  arrayed  enlightened  good  against 
fathomless  evil.  'No  one  is  more  aware  of  this  than 
the  scientific  student  who,  as  things  of  this  earth  re- 
cede, acquires  clearer  vision  and  conceptions  of  what 
might  be  worthy  of  a  better  world  to  come. 


Talk  about  your  strenuous  life! 

Contrary  winds,  and  storms  that  were  not  con- 
trary, blew  the  French  barque  Due  d' Orleans  zig- 
zagging ninety  days  from  Leghorn  to  New  York,  at 
one  time  very  nearly  stopping  altogether  in  the  vege- 
tation and  drift-covered  Sargasso  sea. 

And  in  those  times,  of  1843,  barks  did  much  of 
the  passenger  carrying,  so  you  had  to  put  up  with 
what  the  winds  and  waves  afforded  you  in  making 
time  across  the  Atlantic,  instead  of  rising  superior  to 
both  as  in  this  twentieth  century. 

A  martinet  English  captain  and  timid  crew  of 
Italians,  a  few  American  passengers  and  a  cargo  of 
marble  made  up  the  load,  dipping  below  what  is 
now  PlimsolPs  mark. 

A  leak  with  such  a  load  would  have  postponed 
the  writing  of  this  book  indefinitely,  for  my  parents 
with  their  three  children  were  returning  to  the  United 
States  on  that  vessel.  We  are  descendants  of  'Rew 
Jersey  and   Ohio   Quakers,  Huguenots   and  Metho- 


dists,  but  I  had  to  start  in  life  with  the  equivocation 
of  having  been  born  in  Florence,  Italy,  and  there- 
after remain  under  suspicion  of  being  a  '^dago." 
One  tires  of  explaining  things  away,  and  at  the  polls 
foreign  born  Americans  being  naturalized  by  ^^Act 
of  Congress'^  takes  time  to  explain,  and  one  runs  the 
risk  of  challenge  as  to  his  right  to  vote  at  all. 

Saying  nothing  of  the  question  of  eligibility  to 
the  presidency  on  account  of  foreign  birth,  because 
the  last  heard  of  the  old  gag  about  rather  being  right 
than  president  it  was  extinguished  by  some  states- 
man assuring  the  one  who  used  the  expression  that 
he  "would  never  be  either.'^ 

A  ''day's  sail''  from  Gibraltar  sails  were  furled, 
the  vessel  was  ''put  about,"  the  English  burial  ser- 
vice was  read  by  the  captain,  and  at  the  words :  "We 
consign  his  body  to  the  Deep,"  a  corpse,  wrapped  in 
sail  cloth  Avith  cannon  balls  at  the  feet,  was  slid  into 
the  ocean  from  under  its  American  flag  covering,  by 
tilting  the  board  bier. 

It  was  a  passenger  who  had  died  on  the  boat,  and 
had  asked  that  his  body  be  kept  till  the  straits  were 
passed  and  he  could  be  buried  in  the  Atlantic,  the 
waters  nearest  America.  He  was  my  father,  the 
American  sculptor,  an  account  of  whom  appears  in 
some  cyclopaedias. 

Then  followed  a  three  days'  storm,  in  the  track 
of  which  the  bark  scudded  with  bare  poles  with 
passengers  lashed  to  berths.  The  discoverer  of  the 
laws  of  cyclones,  Piddington,  the  English  merchant 


marine  captain,  was  then  studying  out  the  material 
for  his  celebrated  ''Horn  Book,"  finally  completed  at 
Calcutta,  his  preface  being  dated  1859.  He  showed 
that  by  observing  the  wind  direction  and  keeping 
track  of  the  barometer  ups  and  downs  you  could 
tell  what  part  of  the  circular  storm  you  Were  in  to 
be  able  to  avoid  it,  manage  in  it,  or  profit  by  it.  He 
was  a  reformer  and  caught  it  good  and  heavy  from 
the  wiseacre  mariners  and  officials  of  the  admiralty. 
They  had  their  fun  in  abusing  him  for  a  fool  who 
pretended  to  know  about  storms  far  in  advance  and 
many  more  things  besides,  and  about  the  time  poor 
Piddington  was  ready  to  die  his  theories  were  sus- 
tained, and  now  no  ship,  big  or  little,  ventures  from 
port  without  a  copy  of  Piddington's  Horn  Book. 
The  ''horns"  are  two  transparent  sets  of  concentric 
circles,  one  for  each  north  and  south  hemisphere,  for 
cyclones  run  with  the  hands  of  a  clock  in  one  and 
against  that  direction  in  the  other.  One  of  these  flat 
glass-like  sheets  is  placed  over  the  chart  of  the  ship's 
position  to  correspond  with  the  wind  and  barometer 
indications  and  at  a  glance  the  navigator  knows  ex- 
actly where  he  is  in  the  storm  and  many  other  parti- 
culars a  mariner  should  know,  but  up  to  Pidding- 
ton's  time  could  not  know. 

Had  the  captain  of  the  Due  d'Orleans  known 
the  laws  of  cyclones  we  might  have  been  saved  much 
danger  and  suffering  on  that  trip,  but  had  Moses  had 
a  Ben  Holliday  stage  route  he  could  have  gone 
through  his  40  year  wilderness  in  40  hours,  as  Mark 


Twain  suggested.  A  rail  road  and  locomotive  might 
have  reduced  the  trip  to  minutes,  if  the  children  of 
Israel  had  not  taken  to  the  woods  at  sight  of  the 

A  month  or  so  later, — think  of  being  three  months 
on  a  trip  like  that, — the  captain  was  bawling  angrily 
at  the  man  at  the  wheel,  ''Hard  up !"  Hard  up !"  and 
the  poor  chap  evidently  was  pulling  the  wrong  way, 
but  with  every  snort  of  the  captain's  "Hard  up,"  he 
crowded  the  wheel  further  in  the  same  direction.  My 
little  brother  Albert  translated  the  command  into: 
"Sopra!"  and  the  wheel  flew  around  in  the  opposite 
spin ;  the  captain  including  boy  and  steersman  in  his 
scowl.  Thereafter  the  little  fellow  was  looked  for 
eagerly  when  the  sailors  puzzled  over  English  orders 
from  the  officers,  but  the  average  Englishman  thinks 
other  languages  have  no  rights  they  need  respect. 

On  arrival  at  !New  York,  John  Jacob  Astor,  the 
founder  of  Astoria,  advised  my  mother  in  disposing 
of  the  marble  statuary  of  my  father.  The  bust  of 
Daniel  Webster,  now  in  the  Metropolitan  Art  Gallery 
in  l^ew  York,  brought  $500,  Henry  Clay's  bust  a 
similar  sum,  and  Washington  Allston's  friends  pre- 
sented the  bust  of  that  celebrated  artist  to  the  Boston 
Athenaeum,  giving  my  mother  a  handsome  amount 
for  it. 

The  newspapers  and  magazines  of  that  period 
contained  full  notices  of  what  the  sculptor  had  accom- 
plished and  his  death,  and  Edward  Everett,  the 
author  statesman,   upon  receiving  the  bust  he  had 


ordered  and  sat  for,  wrote  the  following  lines,  dated 
Boston,  Dec.  21,  1839: 

Time,  care  and  sickness  bend  the  frame 
Back   to   the   dust   from    whence   it   came; 
The  blooming  cheek,  the  sparkling  eye 
In  mournful  ruins  soon  must  lie; 
The  pride  of  form,  the  charm  of  grace 
Must  fade  away,  nor  leave  a  trace. 

They  shall  not  fade;  for  Art  can  raise 
A  counterpart  that  ne'er  decays: 
Time,  care  and  sickness  strive  in  vain 
The  power  of  genius  to  restrain. 

Thou,  Clevenger,  from  lifeless  clay 
Can'st  mould  what  ne'er  shall  fade  away, 
Fashion   in   stone   that   cannot   die, 
The  breathing  lip,  the  speaking  eye; 
And  while  frail  nature  sinks  to  dust, 
Create  the  all  but  living  bust. 

What  I  take  the  most  pride  in  is  a  line  at  the 
conclusion  of  Henry  T.  Tuckerman^s  biography  of 
my  father,  in  the  ^'Book  of  Artists :'' 

''Brief  as  was  the  life  of  Clevenger,  it  was  for 
the  most  part  happy,   and  altogether  honorable.'^ 

His  mother  was  a  French  Huguenot  of  a  family 
of  Bunnells,  a  woman  of  extraordinary  intellect, 
married  to  Samuel  Clevenger,  of  I^ew  Jersey,  prob- 
ably related  to  Captain  Job  Clevenger,  of  the  Burl- 
ington militia,  who  was  killed  by  the  British  at  Cross- 
wicks  in  the  war  of  the  Revolution. 

There  is  also  in  the  history  of  IN'ew  Jersey  an 
account  of  a  petition  to  the  king  dated  1690,  ''for 
better  government  of  East  Jersey,"  and  among  the 
signatures  is  that  of  John  Clevenger.  His  signature 
appears  in  very  black  ink  as  witness  to  wills  dated 

12  FUN  m  A  DOCTOR^S  LIFE 

1702  and  1712  on  file  in  the  office  of  the  Secretary  of 
State  in  Trenton. 

Some  of  the  ancient  manuscripts  and  signatures 
remain  quite  distinct,  as  though  the  nut  galls  and 
iron  made  better  ink  in  those  days,  about  like  ^'beef, 
wine  and  iron"  tonics  of  our  time.  John  Hancock's 
name  is  the  only  legible  one  to  the  Declaration  of 

Oliver  Wendall  Holmes  dissected  the  '^pride  of 
ancestry"  business,  in  showing  that  the  female  line 
has  equal  claim  to  character  transmission,  so  a  long 
list  of  Jones  is  related  to  multitudes  of  Browns, 
Smiths  and  Robinsons,  any  one  of  whom  might  as 
well  be  taken  as  a  starting  progenitor.  The 
2-4-8-16-32  ratio  of  forefathers  and  foremothers  lands 
any  of  us  back  to  all  of  the  Goths,  Huns  and  Vandals, 
whose  forebears  were  the  wildernesses  chuck  full  of 
apes.  Dr.  Baboon,  Rev.  Gibbon,  Prof.  Chimpanzee, 
Gen.  Gorilla  and  Orang-Outang,  Esquire,  prominent 
among  cebidse,  capuchins,  lemurs  and  successors  to 
amphibia,  reptilia,  pisces  and  a  sea  full  of  inverte- 

While  glad  to  hear  of  John  Clevenger  of  1690 
being  an  early  unsettler  of  vested  interests  through 
his  signing  the  protest,  it  is  likely  that  the  sculptor 
Shobal  Vail  Clevenger  inherited  his  ability  from  his 
mother,  whose  Bunnell  ancestors  escaped  from 
France  in  the  time  of  Louis  XIV,  the  all  around  bigot 
and  vulgar  ideal  of  a  monarch. 

It  seems  queer  in  this  enterprising  period  that 


some  one  has  not  set  forth  the  history  of  evolution  in 
moving  pictures,  the  gradual  transformation  by 
descent  of  the  heavy-jawed,  retreating  forehead, 
pointed-eared,  furred  and  tailed  Pithecanthropus  into 
the  cave  dweller,  the  savage,  the  barbarbian,  and 
finally  this  last  animal  with  his  veneering  of  "civiliza- 

The  child  could  be  showTi  growing  to  adult  age 
and  stature,  the  flower  unfolding  from  the  bud,  in 
turn  from  the  leaf  and  so  on,  back  to  the  crypto- 
gamous  beginning  of  plant  life. 

Rapid  movement  of  such  historical  representa- 
tion would  give  startling  effects ;  but  were  it  practic- 
able to  put  everything  one  ever  did  into  such  kinet- 
ograph,  at  the  rate  of  an  hour  for  a  generation  of 
doings,  the  monkey-shine  absurdity  of  the  most 
solemn,  dignified  life  would  be  plainly  seen.  Lord 
Bacon's  for  instance.  Hop-skipping  and  jumping 
around  majesty  for  favors,  bobbing  into  and  out  of 
bed,  gobbling  food,  writing,  sneaking,  scheming  and 
finally  repenting  and  getting  into  a  hole  in  the 

Reversing  the  order  of  pictures  of  this  sort  gives 
amusing  appearances ;  I  recollect  a  collision  of  trains 
ending  with  their  fall  from  a  cliff.  Running  the  ma- 
chine backward  presented  the  cars  and  engines  roll- 
ing up  the  hill  to  the  track  and  the  reconstructed 
trains  backing  away  from  one  another.  But  take 
the  life  of  animals  and  men  either  backward  or  for- 
ward, and  give  bird's  eye  rapid  views  of  them;  then 


observe  the  ant  hill,  the  bunch  of  earth  worms,  the 
writing  in  the  sand. 

"Men  run  to  and  fro  and  knowledge  shall  in- 
crease." Further,  the  rolling  stone  does  not  become 
a  "mossback."  Kough  edges  are  liable  to  be  polished 
off,  also. 

Running  the  biograph  a  little  faster  we  can  look 
at  general  results,  and  later  group  any  details  that 
seem  to  be  entertaining. 

But  describing  caperings  up  and  down  the  earth^s 
surface  without  assigning  reasons  for  doing  so  could 
include  man  and  the  Japanese  dancing  mouse  in  the 
same  moving  picture. 

First  Italy,  then  the  sea  crossed  to  'New  York 
and  Boston,  thence  to  St.  Louis,  a  small  Indian  trad- 
ing village  on  the  Missouri  river,  the  "Mound  City." 
These  earthworks  of  the  ancient  Mandans  I  saw  dug 
down  and  carted  away.  My  earliest  recollections  be- 
gan in  this  town.  Then  I  found  myself  on  my  uncle's 
farm  in  Ohio,  near  Cincinnati  on  the  Rocky  Run 
creek,  where  my  big  brother  Albert  took  me  on  rabbit 
hunts  and  to  see  him  chop  down  great  trees.  I  can  hear 
his  whistle  and  songs  now,  as  they  echoed  among 
Ohio  forests  and  hills,  airs  and  words  popular  in  the 
forties  and  fifties: 

"Cob  corns  twist  your  hair, 
Cart  wheels   surround  you, 
Fiery  dragon  carry  you  off,  and 
Mortar  and  pestle  pound  you!"  and: 
"Did  you  eber  see  de  debbil, 
Wid  his  wooden,  iron  shovel, 
A  diggin*  up  de  groun' 
Wid  his  big  toe-nail?" 


Then  we  went  to  Xew  Orleans  and  lived  there 
till  first  my  brother  died  in  the  yellow  fever  epidemic 
of  1853  and  my  step  father  followed  with  consump- 
tion, as  people  persist  in  calling  phthisis. 

Back  then  alone  to  St.  Louis  I  went,  which  by 
1855  had  become  a  large  city  of  100,000  inhabitants; 
leaving  school  I  worked  as  shipping  clerk  in  my 
uncle  John  Yates^  boat  store.  I  like  to  look  back 
on  the  activities  in  McEnnis  &  Co.'s  honest  old  ship 
chandlery.  There  never  was  a  hint  of  any  kind  of 
wrong  doing,  the  stores  were  pure,  the  accounts 
straight,  the  men  were  well  paid,  and  maybe  that 
was  why  the  firm  busted. 

Another  uncle,  John  J.  Roe,  put  me  in  the  States 
Savings  Institution  as  messenger,  and  I  was  soon 
promoted  to  a  collectorship.  This  was  the  largest 
bank  in  the  West.  There  were  no  clearing  houses 
and  the  three  collectors  ran  around  to  the  other  banks 
and  to  merchants  and  the  sub-treasury,  some  days 
taking  in  a  million  dollars  in  gold,  silver,  bankable 
funds,  as  Missouri  bank  notes  were  called,  and  cur- 
rency or  "wild  cat,"  as  the  notes  of  banks  from  other 
States  were  known.  These  last  ranged  between  10 
and  90  per  cent,  discount,  and  fluctuated,  making  a 
collector  as  alert  as  Mark  Twain  tells  how  a  pilot 
on  the  lower  Mississippi  river  had  to  be,  with  the 
shifting  banks,  sand  bars,  snags,  changing  currents 
and  fogs  peculiar  to  navigating  that  stream.  Then 
doing  so  at  night.  He  tells  of  a  pilot  who  took  his 
great  steamer  safely  over  a  long  stretch  of  the  very 


worst  part  of  the  river,  not  only  at  night  when 
nothing  could  be  seen,  but  as  the  pilot  was  a  somnam- 
bulist, it  was  on  one  of  the  occasions  when  he  was 
asleep.  Twain's  comment  being:  ^'If  he  could  do 
that  when  he  was  asleep,  what  couldn't  he  do  if  he 
was  dead  ?" 

I  took  one  trip  with  Sam  Clemens  when  he  was 
a  cub  pilot  on  the  boat  named  after  mj  uncle  Roe, 
and  another  trip  with  him  on  the  Falls  City,  a  great 
passenger  packet.  I  think  he  mentions  me  in  one 
of  his  books  as  a  mischievous  boy. 

I  got  the  California  fever  and  studied  Spanish 
from  Ollendorf's  Spanish  Grammar,  and  it  happens 
to  be  about  the  only  language  on  earth  you  can  pick 
up  from  a  book,  the  reason  being  the  invariability 
of  the  pronunciation  of  the  letters.  Esperanto  is 
largely  based  on  it,  and  I  believe  Spanish  is  the 
ancient  Latin  as  pronounced  in  far  off  ages.  Cer- 
tainly Spaniards  are  more  Roman  than  those  who 
live  in  Rome. 

But  the  Indians  were  too  fierce  on  the  California 
route,  so  I  was  switched  off  to  Colorado  and  ]^ew 
Mexico.  Such  things  as  railroads  were  not  dreamed 
of  then.  Freight  was  hauled  by  "prairie  schooners,'' 
big  wagons,  from  Leavenworth  and  Kansas  City  to 
Santa  Fe  and  way  places. 

Back  I  came  to  St.  Louis  and  took  another  trip 
to  New  Mexico,  wintering  near  Ft.  Wise,  afterwards 
Ft.  Lyon,  Colorado.  In  this  trip  a  characteristio 
experience  was  in  living  in  my  uncle's   "palatial" 


house  while  in  St.  Louis,  and  turning  up  in  a  couple 
of  months  in  an  Indian  wigwam  on  the  plains.  A 
school  mate  of  mine,  George  Bent,  a  half  breed  Chey- 
enne Indian,  asked  me  to  come  to  his  stockade  at  the 
mouth  of  Pergatorj  creek,  near  Ft.  Wise,  and  to  my 
surprise  the  stockade  was  built  around  some  log  store 
houses  and  we  had  teepees  or  buffalo  skin  tents  to 
live  in. 

The  Civil  War  was  advancing  and  returning  to 
"the  States"  I  enlisted  as  a  private  in  a  regiment 
being  raised  in  Kansas  City,  bobbed  around  on 
scouting,  recruiting  and  clerical  detached  service, 
along  the  upper  Missouri  river  from  St.  Joseph  to 
St.  Louis,  then  went  with  the  troops  to  ^N'cw  Madrid, 
next  to  jSTashville,  Tennessee,  where  in  the  LT.  S. 
Engineer  Corps  we  built  bridges  and  railroads,  and 
I  was  promoted  to  a  first  lieutenancy  in  another  regi- 
ment and  took  charge  of  Sherman  Barracks,  the 
general  recruiting  rendezvous  for  Tennessee  troops, 
till  after  the  battle  of  Xashville,  when  we  were  ordered 
to  ISTorth  Carolina,  and  the  war  ending  I  was  mus- 
tered out  of  service,  started  a  couple  of  newspapers 
in  Chattanooga  with  some  officers  and  soldiers  from 
our  army.  The  papers  failed,  and  with  my  wife  and 
child  we  were  ninety  days  going  to  Montana.  I  met 
my  wife  that  was  to  be  during  the  siege  of  [N'ashville, 
she  was  far  better  educated  than  I  was,  having  grad- 
uated from  the  Western  Female  College,  of  Oxford, 
Ohio,  a  school  on  the  Holyoke  method  of  Mary  Lyon. 

At  Ft.  Benton,  Montana,  I  was  probate  judge, 


hotel  keeper,  U.  S.  Court  Commissioner  and  U.  S. 
Revenue  Collector,  to  secure  which  last  position  I 
resigned  the  judge's  place.  Previously  I  held  the 
office  of  justice  of  the  peace  of  Jefferson  County,  Mon- 
tana, at  White  Hall,  then  called  White  Tail  Deer 
creek  station,  on  the  stage  route  from  Helena  to  Salt 
Lake  City,  a  fifteen  hundred  miles  route  on  the  way 
to  Omaha  by  way  of  Cheyenne,  all  by  stages  of  Wells, 
Pargo  &  Company,  whose  express  receipts  read: 
^^This  company  will  not  be  responsible  for  the  acts 
of  God,  Indians  or  other  public  enemies  of  the  gov- 
ernment." I  sent  one  of  these  blank  receipts  to 
Harper's  Monthly  Magazine.  At  White  Hall  I 
learned  telegraphing,  and  in  Helena  earned  quite  a 
sum  at  typesetting  on  a  rush  job,  having  mastered 
the  printing  business  in  Tennessee. 

In  addition  to  my  ''concentrated  citizen"  occupa- 
tions at  Fort  Benton  I  studied  astronomy,  meteor- 
ology, navigation,  and  surveying,  and  soon  had  a 
contract  to  survey  the  military  reservation.  The  long 
quiet  winters  at  that  isolated  fur  trading  post  enabl- 
ing me  to  profit  by  my  wife's  instruction  and  help. 
Indeed  I  used  her  school  books  and  through  all  my 
subsequent  surveys  for  the  government  carried  a 
copy  of  Loomis'  Trigonometry  and  Logarithms  that 
she  had  used  at  school  in  Ohio. 

At  Sioux  City,  Iowa,  I  soon  had  a  lot  of  friends, 
among  them  being  a  grand  old  fellow  named  John 
H.  Charles,  who  owned  a  fleet  of  steamboats  on  the 
river.     I  surveyed  in  Iowa  and  Nebraska,  finally 


building  a  telegraph  line  through  Dakota  in  which  I 
owned  a  third  interest,  then  became  a  Deputy  U.  S. 
Surveyor,  surveying  many  thousand  miles  of  what 
is  now  divided  into  Xorth  and  South  Dakota,  then 
a  territory.  The  Dakota  Southern  Kailway  was 
built  later  and  appointed  me  its  Chief  Engineer. 

At  Yankton,  Dakota  Territory,  I  tried  to  unify 
three  factions  of  the  Republican  party  by  buying 
separate  newspajx'rs,  consolidating  them  into  the 
Press  and  Dakotaian.     This  was  in  1872. 

General  Alfred  Mayer,  the  chief  of  the  JJ.  S. 
Weather  Bureau,  then  in  the  Sig-nal  Service  part  of 
the  War  Department,  askf  d  me  to  take  charge  of  the 
weather  observing  station  in  Ft.  Sully,  Dakota,  where 
I  spent  nearly  a  year  of  the  happiest  time  of  my  life, 
for  I  had  scientific  companionship  in  the  army  surg- 
eons, under  whom  T  studied  anatomy  and  chemistry 
preparatory  to  my  medical  school  course.  Between 
telegraphing  and  the  signal  service  i  had  good  pay, 
but  Captain  Howgate  boodled  so  much  of  the  signal 
service  funds  that  the  Sully  office  was  discontinued, 
and  under  my  friend,  Commodore  Charles,  I  became 
a  steamboat  clerk  till  I  had  enough  to  go  through 
medical  school.  Graduating  in  medicine  I  settled  in 
Chicago,  was  a  physician  at  the  County  Insane 
Asylum,  and  later  had  charge  of  the  State  Asylum 
for  Illinois  at  Kankakee;  meanwhile  and  afterward 
practising  my  specialty  of  nervous  and  mental  dis- 
ease in  Chicago  at  my  office  and  in  two  of  the  best 
and  largest  hospitals  in  the  United   States,  with  a 


small  santarium  at  Eiverside  near  the  city;  writing 
many  books  and  articles  on  medicine  and  science, 
then  coming  east  to  start  a  great  hospital  and  asylum 
for  nervous  and  mental  disease,  but  being  disap- 
pointed took  out  a  'New  Jersey  license  to  practise 
medicine  and  settled  at  Atlantic  City,  where  I  am  at 
this  writing. 

Incidental  trips  into  Wisconsin,  Minnesota,  Mich- 
igan, Ohio,  Pennsylvania,  New  York,  Delaware,  and 
to  Washington,  D.  C,  while  surveying,  and  later  as 
an  expert  in  insanity  matters,  about  sum  up  this 
egotistical  narration.  I  think  it  was  Charles  Lamb 
who  described  an  egotist  as  "one  who  always  wanted 
to  talk  about  himself  when  you  wanted  to  talk  about 
yourself."  You  have  had  no  chance  on  this  occasion, 
and  I  fear  the  telling  sounds  rather  dry,  but  I  will 
try  to  make  up  for  it  by  more  entertaining  stories. 
And,  by  the  way,  a  scientific  man  is  handicapped  in 
romancing  as  he  sticks  so  rigidly  to  facts.  But  if 
a  chap  tells  precisely  what  has  taken  place,  if  he  has 
had  such  a  stormy  life  as  mine,  he  need  do  no  romanc- 
ing to  beat  anything  in  story  books.  So,  while  stick- 
ing to  what  has  actually  taken  place  in  this  narrative, 
my  endeavor  has  been  to  keep  stupidly  unnecessary 
things  out  and  boil  the  stories  down  to  matters  that 
one  need  not  doze  over. 


Old  Sambo's  advice  was :  ^'Don't  ye  never  profesy, 
onless  ye  know  !" 

There  are  instances  of  patients  predicting  their 
own  deaths  and  of  attempts  by  their  physicians  to 
keep  them  alive  over  the  time  set  for  the  event. 

I  had  one  such  case. 

The  old  gentleman  took  to  bed  with  nothing  in 
particular  the  matter  but  loss  of  interest  in  life.  He 
concluded  finally  that  on  a  certain  Saturday  noon  he 
would  depart,  and  seemed  to  be  bent  on  the  fulfill- 
ment of  his  prophecy. 

It  is  said  that  natives  of  Hawaii  can  lie  down  and 
give  up  the  ghost  at  will,  but  that  a  civilized  human 
being  would  even  try  to  do  so  while  sane,  seems  pre- 
posterous, but  we  have  all  sorts  of  folks  among  us. 

He  dwelt  so  incessantly  upon  the  approaching 
event  I  feared  that  he  had  some  suicide  scheme  to 
make  himself  a  prophet,  so  I  set  about  circumvent- 
ing him. 

The  clock  was  on  a  shelf  on  the  wall  at  the  foot 
of  his  bed,  so  that  any  notion  of  tampering  with  it 
by  methods  familiar  to  congressmen  in  legislating  30 
hours  into  24  was  impracticable.  In  the  meantime 
he  was  quite  jolly  and  told  me  of  physicians  who  had 


attended  his  family  and  for  whom  he  had  regard 
when  living  in  a  small  comitry  town  before  coming 
to  Chicago. 

One  old  chap  he  remembered  with  positive  affec- 
tion for  having  saved  the  lives  of  every  member  of 
his  family  during  long  years  of  attendance  as  his 
family  physician. 

"There  wasn't  anything  old  doc  didn't  know,  and 
at  any  time  of  day  or  night  he  would  leave  a  meal 
or  get  out  of  bed  to  come  over  and  fix  us  up,  and  he 
was  awful  careless  in  collectin'  as  lots  of  good  doctors 

"Once  I  owed  the  old  doc  $150,  and  gave  him  a 
six  months  note  for  it,  and  in  three  or  four  months 
he  said  he  was  so  hard  up  for  cash  that  if  I  would 
put  up  $50  he  would  give  me  back  the  note  and  call 
it  square,  and  as  I  didn't  know  any  easier  way  to 
make  money  than  that  I  took  him  up,  and  the  old 
simpleton  didn't  know  he  could  hev  sold  the  note 
and  got  more  than  I  giv  him." 

"Manys  the  time  I've  seen  the  old  fellow  so  hard 
up  his  family  must  hev  lived  on  thin  air,  but  he 
never  failed  to  help  evei-yone  whether  they  paid  or 
not,  and  I  think  underfeedin'  used  him  up  sooner 
than  if  he  had  ben  a  good  business  man.  Old  doc  was 
thought  so  much  of  he  mite  hev  faked  it  and  made  big 
money,  but  he  thought  more  of  curin'  folks  than  gettin' 
paid  for  it,  and  you  know  how  big  doctors'  bills  look 
after  you  get  well,  and  we  jest  keep  puttin'  off  pay  in' 
of  'em  till  we  jest  hate  the  sight  of  the  doctor  and 


feel  like  gettin'  even  for  the  oncomfortable  feelins 
iiis  bill  gives  you.  IN'aturally  you  get  another  doctor 
next  time  that  you  don't  owe  nothin'  to,  as  you  don't 
feel  like  payin'  old  bills  that  ain't  pressin'." 

Well,  the  old  patient  who  got  off  all  this  rigmarole 
about  how  he  loved  his  other  doctors,  approached  the 
time  he  had  set  for  buckling  on  his  wings,  and  T  got 
his  wife's  consent  to  keep  him  asleep  over  Saturday, 
and  he  got  back  his  senses  late  Sunday  afternoon  to 
find  the  voluminous  Sunday  editions  of  newspapers 
handy  for  convincing  him  that  he  had  slipped  a  cog 
or  two  of  time  and  was  still  alive. 

It  seems  ridiculous,  but  the  old  hypo  was  mad 
clean  through  about  it.  He  cussed  and  took  on  as 
if  he  had  been  swindled.  One  of  his  remarks  being 
*^You  think  yer  dam  smart,  don't  yer  ?" 

But  he  got  up  and  for  years  was  trotting  around 
the  streets  trying  to  put  up  with  the  world  awhile 
longer.  If  any  thing  could  have  induced  him  to  con- 
sent to  live  it  would  have  been  to  have  had  a  hand 
in  the  profits  made  on  Wall  street  by  selling  cats  and 
dogs  to  the  government,  as  the  stock  gamblers  did  in 


The  wireless  telegraph  operator  merely  took  down 
the  words  as  they  came,  with  no  idea  of  their  origin, 
or  for  whom  they  were  intended.  Some  previous 
understanding  doubtless  had  been  made  as  to  a  future 
communication  which  was  now  radiating  to  stations 
other  than  the  one  intended. 

And  this  was  the  message: 

The  planet  you  call  Mars  is  a  billion  years  old, 
of  your  length  of  years.  About  a  hundred  million 
years  ago  we  had  passed  through  all  the  monkey 
stages  of  development  that  earth  folks  are  still  exper- 
iencing, and  began  to  see  that  our  mountains  were 
washing  down,  our  seas  were  drying  up,  and  that 
sandy  deserts  were  not  only  spreading  over  the  plane- 
tary surface,  but  rains  were  ceasing,  the  atmosphere 
was  thinning  and  vegetation  was  scarcer  and  more 
difficult  to  cultivate. 

Many  contending  nations  killed  each  other  off, 
however,  before  the  survivors  would  listen  to  astron- 
omers, geologists  and  other  scientists  as  to  what  should 
be  done  to  prolong  the  lives  of  the  miserable  few  who 
remained  scattered  over  the  surface  wherever  an  oasis 
permitted  existence.    Even  then  false  teachers  misled 


the  people  for  their  own  ends,  as  your  politicians  and 
sovereigns  do  with  you. 

Finally  a  remnant  of  survivors  began  a  co-opera- 
tive system  of  engineering  expedients  to  widen  the 
oases  upon  which  they  lived,  the  seas  having  by  this 
time  entirely  disappeared,  the  hills  being  flattened, 
and  the  extremes  of  alternating  temperatures  killing 
off  everything  animate,  whether  plant  or  animal,  save 
in  a  few  green  spots  here  and  there ;  and  in  only  one 
of  these  was  there  any  intelligent  plan  for  bettering 
conditions;  the  fittest  to  survive  in  the  other  places 
up  to  that  time  being  those  exerting  the  most  fraud 
or  force.  But  nature  could  not  be  controlled  by  such 
means,  and  when  it  was  found  out  that  intelligence 
had  increased  possibilities  in  the  one  spot  of  expand- 
ing cultivation,  it  was  suggested  that  an  expedition 
should  set  out  to  wrest  the  place  from  its  inhabitants 
and  enslave  them  so  the  conquerers  could  enjoy  the 
new  land  without  working  themselves. 

But  only  a  few  families  reached  the  destination, 
and  they  were  in  a  sorry  condition  appealing  for  help 
to  those  they  meant  to  injure,  as  repentant  miscreants 
do,  till  the  next  chance  they  have  for  mischief. 

By  ages  of  training  the  owners  of  the  last  farms 
and  factories  were  so  different  from  the  race  that  had 
perished,  the  remnant  of  the  portion  which  had  taken 
refuge  with  the  intelligent  workers  became  a  serious 
problem  to  the  good  community.  The  old  plan  would 
have  been  to  slay  them,  isolate  them  by  jailing  or 
banish  them;  but  recognizing  their  common  origin 

26  FUN  m  A  DocTOR^s  lif:S 

from  remote  monkeydom  and  being  unable  to  trans- 
port them  to  earth,  where  they  would  soon  be  riding 
in  automobiles  about  Newport,  buying  up  legislatures 
and  as  ^ew  York  bankers  duping  weak  minded  secre- 
taries of  the  treasury  into  handing  over  the  national 
billions  for  gambling  purposes.  So  the  martians  took 
up  the  burden  and  started  in  for  conversion,  knowing 
that  thousands  of  years  must  pass  before  results  were 
apparent.  And  a  big  thorn  in  the  social  body  was  this 
pariah  set,  for  eternally  were  they  cooking  up  schemes 
for  turmoil,  wreckage,  self  aggrandizement,  and  to 
subvert  all  plans  of  the  community  upon  whose  hospi- 
tality they  lived.  Eventually,  however,  the  malcon- 
tents grew  up  to  the  standards  of  the  others  and  be- 
came more  like  their  hosts,  with  reversions  here  and 
there  in  hospitals  and  asylums. 

Through  dire  necessity  the  planet  was  worked 
over  into  canal  systems  to  bring  the  water  from  the 
poles  as  the  ice  melted,  guiding  it  to  the  hot  equator 
whence  it  was  returned  by  parallel  canals  to  melt 
more  snow  and  to  provide  for  navigation  and  irriga- 
tion of  widening  oases  with  their  vegetation. 

In  northern  summer  time  the  polar  ice  and  snow 
partly  melted  flowed  southward,  even  beyond  the 
equator.  In  the  northern  winter  the  south  pole 
furnished  water  to  the  southern  set  of  canals  connect- 
ting  with  the  north  system,  the  heated  equator  water 
warming  the  temperate  regions.  The  "white  spots'' 
above  the  equator  are  lagoons  for  shunted  ice  to 
remain   till   melted    and    returned   to   the   canals   as 



Water.  Cold  water  runs  from  poles  to  equator  and 
beyond  and  back  again  in  other  canals  as  warmed 
water,  accounting  for  the  doubling  of  canals  so  puz- 
zling to  you  earthly  observers. 

We  have  engineering  methods  here  you  could  not 
understand,  as  you  have  not  advanced  in  physics  and 
chemistry  enough  to  comprehend  them.  We  are  also 
vastly  stronger  than  the  earth  people,  not  only  bodily 
but  mentally,  so  that  we  know  all  that  you  do  and  more 
that  you  are  incapable  of  knowing,  though  the  entire 
secret  lies  in  what  a  teacher  told  you  a  coilple  of  thou- 
sand years  ago,  whose  words  you  repeat  as  the  parrot 
does,  with  no  meaning  conveyed  to  most  of  your 
brains,  with  no  actual  following  of  what  he  gave  up 
His  life  to  teach,  for  you  slew  Him  and  still  persecute 
His  real  followc^rs,  heaping  wealth  upon  the  organiza- 
tions that  pretend  reverence  for  His  name  and  mem- 
ory, while  mocking  His  teachings. 

We  people  of  Mars  are  of  one  mind,  we  see  the 
truth  as  in  a  few  million  years  you  will  be  able  to  do, 
and  we  know  of  no  wealthy  class,  no  wretchedly  poor 
such  as  you  have,  no  rulers  who  while  claiming  to  be 
public  servants  rob  and  enslave  you. 

We  are  happy  with  every  breath  we  draw  of  the 
attenuated  air  we  still  breathe,  but  know  the  time  is 
approaching  when  the  air  being  all  used  up,  the  water 
vanished  from  the  planet,  life  as  we  now  live  it  will 
have  ceased,  to  be  followed  by  some  forward  step  in 
the  evolution  of  the  universe,  inevitable  and  best  for 
all  of  us,  yourselves  as  well  as  us  and  the  other  planet- 


arians  in  this  solar  system,  all  of  us  but  a  drop  in  tlie 
universal  ocean. 

Your  world  will  pass  through  the  same  exper- 
iences, for  you  are  younger  than  we  are,  having  been 
cast  off  from  the  sun  much  later  than  was  Mars. 

You  will  find  that  vicissitudes  are  your  best 
friends  and  instructors  that  working  together  for  the 
common  welfare  will  give  you  the  only  heaven  you 
can  have  on  earth;  that  until  you  pass  your  monkey 
rapacity,  vanity  and  treachery  you  will  not  even  know 
that  you  have  a  soul. 

As  the  laws  of  nature  could  not  be  juggled  with 
there  ceased  to  be  use  for  other  professions  than  the 
medical  in  charge  of  laboratories  and  hospitals,  and 
the  engineering  to  superintend  vast  public  works. 
The  planet  being  one  vast  system  of  united  co-opera- 
tive workings. 


Some  boasting  of  earliest  memories  was  silenced 
by  one  telling  that  he  remembered  crying  before  he 
was  born,  for  fear  he  was  going  to  be  born  a  girl. 

I  distinctly  remember  being  blown  np  with  some 
gunpowder  I  was  playing  with,  in  trying  to  imitate 
my  bigger  brother's  show  of  the  burning  of  Moscow. 
He  had  shown  me  how  he  lighted  a  train  of  powder 
and  it  exploded  under  a  box  at  the  farthest  end.  I 
had  merely  lighted  the  wrong  end,  and  when  I  came 
to,  with  eyelashes,  brows  and  hair  singed  off,  remark- 
ed to  the  little  girl  in  whose  honor  I  was  making  the 
demonstration,  that  I  "wished  I  did  run  faster.'' 
This  was  at  the  fifth  year  or  so,  previous  to  this  I 
had  rolled  out  of  a  window  upon  a  porch  roof  from 
which  I  was  about  to  fall  several  stories  when  a  man, 
attracted  by  my  sister's  screams,  caught  me  by  the 
hair  just  in  time.  This  I  only  know  of  through  hear- 
ing of  it. 

But  the  mishap  that  preyed  upon  my  youthful 
dreams  and  made  me  shiver  with  terror,  was  dated 
from  the  spoiling  of  my  first  pair  of  pants.  I  had 
stained  the  white  garment  with  the  green  juices  of  a 
wet  lawn  upon  which  I  sat.    My  mother  changed  me 

30  lUW^  IN  A  DOCTOR^S   LIFE 

back  to  frocks,  saying,  '^that  settles  it,  you  will  have 
to  wear  petticoats  as  long  as  yon  live." 

Terrific  pictures  of  myself  grown  to  big  manhood, 
but  still  arrayed  in  short  gowns,  disturbed  my  repose 
for  long  years  afterward,  and  to  this  day  the  anguish 
of  the  anticipation  is  well  remembered.  It  also  re- 
minds me  that  my  youngest  boy  made  up  his  mind  to 
remain  in  bed  the  rest  of  his  life  because  he  did  not 
fancy  some  new  garments  his  mother  handed  him  one 

Poor  kids !  what  a  nuisance  parents  are  with  their 
eternal  scolding  about  your  making  too  much  noise, 
getting  your  feet  wet,  not  washing  face  and  hands; 
telling  you  over  and  over  again  till  you  get  sick  of  it, 
that  you  must  hold  your  knife,  fork  and  sj^oon  just 
so ;  not  to  make  slobbering  noises  when  you  eat  soup, 
and  not  to  wip<^  your  hands  on  the  table  cloth. 

This  constant  looking  at  every  little  thing  you  do 
makes  you  wish  you  never  had  parents.  Can't  they  let 
a  feller  grow  up  natural,  and  not  spoil  his  fun  always  ? 
They  forget  they  were  young  once,  and  they  make  you 
wear  your  overcoat  to  school  all  sorts  of  weather  for 
fear  it  might  turn  cold.  Why,  its  better  to  run  the 
chances  of  getting  pneumonia  than  to  be  nagged  about 
clothing  all  the  time. 

Professor  Hall  thinks  we  ought  to  be  allowed  to 
act  like  savages  and  to  use  slang  and  fight ;  that  it  is 
natural  and  is  in  the  order  of  development,  but  fool 
jDarents  say  its  hard  enough  to  bang  the  monkey  and 
savage  out  of  us  at  any  age,  and  the  sooner  they  begin 

OLD    NEW    ORLEANS  31 

the  less  there  will  be  for  the  rest  of  the  world  to  do 
in  trying  to  civilize  us. 

We  must  reconcile  ourselves  to  the  time  when  we 
will  know  as  little  as  father. 

For  a  year  previous  to  1880  I  had  worked  on  a 
scientific  article  entitled  Plan  of  the  Cerebro-Spinal 
System,  and  in  the  summer  read  it  at  the  Boston  Insti- 
tute of  Technology  to  a  great  assemblage  of  scientific 
men,  and  fagged  out  took  a  run  down  to  ^ew  Orleans 
to  a  meeting  that  winter  of  the  American  Public 
Health  Association,  the  badge  of  which  gave  us  free 
car  rides.  But  we  could  not  get  on  Jim  Crow  "Star" 
cars  unless  we  smoked,  an  intimation  that  smokers 
were  not  as  good  as  white  men. 

After  the  yellow  fever  epidemic  which  carried  off 
35,000  in  a  population  of  only  three  or  four  times  that 
number,  in  1853  and  1854,  I  had  been  in  the  north, 
but  found  few  changes  in  all  these  years  on  my  return, 
except  that  everything  was  turned  around  from  what 
it  was  when  I  was  a  boy.  If  you  come  to  a  familiar 
city  and  happen  to  be  asleep  or  otherwise  miss  the 
turnings  from  the  straight  line  you  fancy  you  are 
traveling,  you  have  to  right  yourself  by  a  positive 
effort  upon  arrival.  Well,  I  was  so  badly  about-faced 
that  when  I  made  up  my  mind  to  go  to  a  certain  part 
of  the  city  I  recollected  quite  well,  I  had  to  turn  my 
back  on  it  and  go  away  from  where  I  thought  it  ought 
to  be,  and  I  would  then  arrive  safely.  The  river  banks 
towering  above  the  to"«ATi  had  whirled  off  to  where  the 
bayous  had  been,  and  the  e-nds  of  the  city  had  swapped 

32  fuj^t  in  a  doctoe^s  life 

places,  the  canals  ran  the  wrong  way,  but  after  I  had 
met  my  boyhood  friend,  Gid.  Folger,  and  had  been 
welcomed  to  his  house,  things  spnn  aronnd  to  their 
places  again. 

A  flood  of  early  impressions  were  recalled,  as  I 
sought  out  my  childhood  haunts.  Gideon  had  been 
in  the  first  Louisiana  artillery  as  a  lieutenant,  and 
claimed  he  would  have  double  shotted  his  12  pounders 
had  he  seen  me  among  the  yankees.  Gid.'s  skull  wa^ 
shattered  and  he  had  cuff-buttons  made  of  bones  from 
his  head  injury. 

His  father  had  a  good  home  on  Apollo  street,  with 
a  big  library  I  was  permitted  to  enjoy.  Gid.  took 
me  to  the  stables  and  asked  me  if  I  recollected  chalk- 
ing a  door  with  ^^Cave  Canem,''  pointing  to  what  was 
left  of  the  marks  during  a  quarter  century.  It  gave 
my  heart  a  thump  or  two,  and  pleased  me  to  think 
my  playmate  had  kept  the  souvenir. 

The  Folgers  had  several  slaves  and  among  them 
was  Aunt  Chloe,  who  always  claimed  to  be  a  ^^tousan' 
years  ole,"  she  told  of  '^de  elephans  what  knocked 
down  de  nigger  huts  on  de  Congo." 

In  experience  of  savagery  and  the  thing  we  call 
civilization  may  be  she  was  that  old.  I  have  felt  like 
it  myself  sometimes. 

I  recollected  the  negresses  carrying  trays  on  their 
heads  crying  ''Marchand  cakes,  Marchand  pies,  Lat- 
ania,"  the  latter  being  a  species  of  fan  palm  with  iris 
like  blades  used  for  weaving  baskets  and  similar 
wares.     In  the  50's  great  hoop  skirts  were  worn,  but 

OLD    NEW    OELEANS  33 

the  peddlers  could  only  afford  a  hogshead  hoop  at 
the  bottom  of  their  single  garment,  making  them 
cone  shaped,  and  when  too  near  a  wall  causing  dis- 
asters that  amused  the  gamins. 

Where  Apollo  street  ran  into  Carondelet  street 
there  was  a  Ponchartrain  Depot,  now  a  Jewish  Home 
of  some  sort.  Tivoli  circle,  now  Lee's  monument,  was 
a  filled  up  basin  for  ships  from  which  extended  a 
canal  with  the  famous  ^'shell  road"  over  which  ''2.40" 
races  were  run  by  gigs.  In  my  time  part  of  the  canal 
was  filled  up  and  the  basin  called  the  new  one  was 
constructed  farther  away  from  town.  Boys  were  for- 
bidden to  swim  in  the  canal  nearer  town  than  the 
second  bridge,  and  as  that  was  pretty  far  the  law  was 
broken  if  no  police  saw  them  swimming. 

One  hot  day  the  water  was  so  inviting  that  a 
school  full  of  boys  risked  capture.  Soon  the  cry  of 
''Police !"  went  up,  and  there  was  a  scurry  with  vary- 
ing luck  of  escaping  with  or  without  clothes.  T  did 
not  know  how  to  swim,  but  did  so  all  right,  getting 
across  the  canal  and  out  of  danger  of  the  calaboose, 
but  the  gendarmes  with  crescent  badges  sat  on  my 
duds  and  invited  me  to  come  and  get  them. 

Hiding  till  night  fall  a  boy  friend  found  a  barrel 
for  me,  with  which  I  clothed  myself  and  by  going 
unfrequented  ways  reached  the  mulberry  tree  near  my 
window,  climbed  it  and  got  into  bed.  jSText  morning 
I  was  thrashed  for  daring  to  put  on  my  Sunday 
clothes  to  go  to  -school  in,  bringing  out  the  explana- 
tion of  having  no  others. 

34  FUK   IN   A  DOCTOk's   LIFE 

Beating  was  too  mucli  the  vogue  in  those  days. 
At  home  and  at  school  the  rod  was  hcing  worn  out 
over  every  one  too  helpless  to  prevent  it.  Teachers 
here  and  in  St.  Louis  whipped  children  so  much  that 
it  brutalized  them  and  caused  them  to  fight  each  other 
constantly  as  the  approved  caper. 

John  Russell  Young,  who  was  ambassador  to 
China  under  President  Grant,  attended  the  same 
school  with  me  in  I^ew  Orleans.  The  teacher  was 
partly  deaf,  and  to  hear  whether  the  strokes  he  made 
on  the  children's  hands  with  the  rattan  were  the 
causes  of  the  queer  sounds  accompanying  his  per- 
formance in  castigation  or  not,  he  sometimes  held  his 
ear  quite  close  to  the  hand  he  was  smarting,  where- 
upon to  make  it  more  realistic  the  youngsters  would 
buzz  louder  than  ever.  He  did  not  seem  to  dis- 
cover that  the  boys  made  the  buzz,  buzz,  whiz 
noises  with  their  mouths  in  time  with  the  descent 
of  the  rattan,  but  he  caught  me  laughing 
at  the  absurdity  of  it  all,  and  called  me  up  for  a 
taste  of  the  music.  Then  I  quituated  through  a  win- 
dow opening  down  to  the  porch.  In  fact  that  was  a 
habit  of  mine  and  I  finished  several  schools  in  the 
same  way.  Every  time  there  was  a  prospect  of  getting 
a  licking  I  left. 

Quaint  old  New  Orleans  with  its  mediaeval  like 
houses,  some  of  them  in  the  French  quarter  with 
gargoyles  pouring  water  from  the  roof;  the  wall  being 
dryer  came  in  old  times  to  be  accorded  the  place  of 
honor,  particmlarly  for  females,  and  many  silly  duels 

OLD    NEW    ORLEANS  35 

were  fought  to  gain  the  wall  side;  today  we  still 
place  the  lady  inside  the  walk  dating  from  this  origin. 
Then  there  were  sconces  or  large  iron  link  rings  on 
other  walls  in  which  to  place  torches.  Link  boys  still 
lighted  you  through  the  streets  for  a  picayune.  Gas 
lighting  had  been  adopted  in  many  places  in  Europe 
and  America,  but  in  the  50's  in  ^Nfew  Orleans  I  recol- 
I(  ct  lard  oil  lamps  with  wicks  from  square  tin  boxes 
being  the  means  of  illumination,  and  I  saw  people 
turn  out  on  Canal  street  to  look  down  the  row  of 
twinkling  dimness,  and  remember  one  remarking  that 
there  would  not  be  so  many  murders  now  at  night  in 
the  streets. 

I  broke  my  1(  g  with  a  heavy  iron  swing  I  pushed 
at  Cheltenham  park  in  playing,  and  for  months  was 
abed,  but  devoured  books,  among  them  Bunyan's  Pil- 
grim's Progress,  which  I  read  over  many  times  and 
which  affected  all  my  subsequent  life.  From  my 
window  T  watcbvl  the  erection  of  a  vast  hr»tel,  the  St. 
Charles ;  towering  to  the  skies  with  massive  pillars 
fronting  a  deep  porch.  I  recall  wonder  that  there 
W2£  noney  enough  in  town  to  afford  io  grand  2.  ::/:::':ic- 
ture.  On  my  return  in  manhood,  the  hotel  had  diiain- 
ished  to  a  cracker-box  size  of  teree  small  stories,  and 
the  pillarE  were  hoUcw  and  wooden.  How  things 
shrink  as  we  grow ! 

Gulliver  must  have  had  the  same  feeling  in  Lilli- 
put.  My  boyhood  haimts ;  the  houses,  staircases,  cist- 
ems  above  ground,  parks,  cemeteries,  so  imposing  in 
dimensions,  all. shrunken  to' toy-like  sizes. 


Great  cane  brakes  lined  the  shell  road  along  the 
canal  to  the  sea,  tall  bamboos  that  crowded  so  close 
that  a  few  feet  in  the  brake  shut  one  away  from  sight 
or  finding  a  way  back.  The  bayous  were  around  the 
city  and  from  the  cypress  stumps  boys  crayfished. 
Once,  barefooted,  I  saw  a  queer  looking  crayfish  com- 
ing up  the  stump  toward  me  with  his  tail  curved  over 
his  back  and  a  sting  on  the  end  of  the  tail.  "Scorp- 
ion!" I  yelled  and  went  up  in  the  air,  string,  pin- 
hook,  bait  and  twig-rod;  losing  interest  from  that 
moment  in  bayou  fishing. 

The  old  fire  companies  were  interesting.  A  fat 
boy  weighing  about  400  lbs.  ran  with  number  18;  he 
was  known  as  the  "Apollo  street  baby,"  and  made 
more  noise  at  fires  than  ten  other  firemen.  The  ma- 
chine was  the  old  brake  pump  box,  with  ram  on  top, 
and  fire  plugs  were  fought  for  and  the  captain 
mounted  the  ram  yelling  Creole  French  oaths  and 
trumpeting  to  the  pumpers,  a  row  of  whom  were  at 
each  pole  at  the  ends  of  the  wonderful  squirter. 

These  volunteer  fire  companies  came  out  in  new 
rigs  when  a  clothing  store  burned,  and  the  saying  was 
that  they  set  fires  themselves  to  make  their  living. 
Bloody  fights  accompanied  each  conflagration ;  getting 
first  to  the  blaze  seeming  to  be  the  most  creditable 
thing,  so  if  two  machines  came  to  a  plug  simultan- 
eously nothing  but  battle  could  determine  to  which 
engine  it  belonged,  and  sometimes  the  house  had 
burned  down  before  it  was  settled. 

Our  mmkey  mannered  forefathers  used  tc  argue 

OLD    XXTT    OELEA^^S  37 

right  and  wrong  in  similar  ways;  walking  over  red 
hot  plow-shares,  stabbing  each  other  with  lances.  Law 
suits  were  adjusted  that  way  and  the  present  usually 
is  about  as  sensible  a  method.  Bellowing  before  a 
judge  and  jury,  who  might  as  well  pull  straws  for  a 

The  plebiscite  of  Napoleon  III  by  which  he 
tricked  France  into  making  him  emperor  was  still 
talked  of  in  the  50's,  as  it  took  long  months  for  sail- 
ing vessels  to  bring  news  across,  and  I  well  remember 
following  the  events  of  the  Crimean  war  between  the 
allied  English  and  French  against  Russia.  Every 
great  war  since  has  taught  me  much  geography  and 
history  and  hanging  other  information  arovmd  what 
is  thus  acquired  is  the  natural  way  of  learning  and 
should  be  made  use  of  in  teaching  also.  "Authority" 
repels  the  one  who  can  only  learn  by  reasoning. 
Interest  your  youngsters  after  the  Froebel  plan  in 
something  worth  knowing,  then  add,  to  that  other, 
related   affairs. 

Madri  Gras  processions  and  tomfooleries  always 
disgusted  me,  particularly  as  malicious  j)eople  threw 
quicklime  in  the  faces  of  bystanders,  pretending  to 
throw  flour,  which  was  customary. 

The  lagniappe  or  extra  something  claimed  by  pur- 
chasers at  groceries,  etc.,  in  New  Orleans  is  a  peculiar 
custom,  and  finds  a  modern  parallel  in  the  absurd 
stamp  gift  added  to  your  goods  by  storekeepers.  A 
moment's  reflection  would  convince  any  one  with  a 
head  on  his  shoulders  that  the  buyer  pays  for  such 

38  TVN  m  A  i>octor's  lifjS 

lagniappe,  and  big  round  prices  too ;  the  way  ont 
would  be  to  refuse  such  temptations  and  not  deal  with 
stores  that  offer  the  stamps. 

When  the  river  broke  its  banks  and  flooded  the 
city  it  was  called  a  crevasse,  and  many  a  time  I  poled 
my  way  on  a  raft  to  school,  the  houses  sometimes,  as 
school  buildings  were,  being  built  upon  brick  pillars 
to  lift  the  first  story  above  possible  floods. 

The  surface  of  the  streets  was  but  a  few  inches 
above  permanent  water  and  bricks  that  tipped  in  the 
sidewalk  and  squirted  mud  on  the  frilled  shirts  and 
duck  tr<)us(^rs  were  called  'Vlandy  traps." 

The  highest  part  of  town  was  where  CypressGrove 
cemetery  is,  where  my  brother  and  step-father  are 
buri(^d.  During  the  yellow  fever  of  1853  and  '54 
trenches  were  dug  into  which  the  dead  were  laid  and 
covered  with  quick  liim'.  A  strange  forerunner  of 
efficient  prevention,  had  it  been  largely  enough  prac^ 
tised,  was  in  burning  tar  barrels  in  the  streets  occa- 
sionally during  the  epidemic.  Mosquitoes  could  have 
been  suppressed  by  that  means  and  the  plague  stopped, 
but  alas,  no  one  knew  anything  about  the  disease 
then.  A  third  of  the  city  was  slain.  T  had  the 
fever  at  the  same  time  with  my  mother  and  brother. 
T  heard  the  corporation  cart  drivers  back  up  their 
wagons  to  the  curb,  and  cry  out:  ''Bring  out  your 
dead."  The  coflins  W(^re  mere  boxes  daubed  with 
lamp  black.  All  the  carriages  were  used  for 
hearses  and  mourners  walked  if  enough  were  left 
to    accompany    the    corpse.      The    negroes    did    not 

OLD    NEAV    ORLEAK'S  39 

seem  to  suffer  from  the  sickness,  at  least  not 

Dr.  Edmund  Andrews  and  I  had  a  room  at 
the  great  St.  Charles  while  we  attended  the  Health 
Meeting  in  ^ew  Orleans  in  1880  ;  an  honor  I 
could  not  have  anticipated  when  I  saw  the  hotel 
built ;  and  as  we  stepped  into  a  Pullman  car  to  go 
to  Chicago,  bang  went  a  pistol  and  a  ball  flew 
between  iis,  sound ina-  like  old  times;  Andrews  also 
had  been  in  the  army  as  a  surgeon.  A  pallid  com- 
mercial travoler  of  Memphis  ran  down  the  aisle 
chased  by  the  female  who  fired  the  shot,  and  who 
cried  out :  ^'I  love  you  and  T  kill  you." 

Dr.  Andrews  always  had  a  keen  sense  of  the 
absurd,  and  laughingly  remarked,  ^^Tn  logic  that's 
what  we  would  call  a  non-soquitur.  But  this  is  the 
Sunny  South,  sure  enough." 

Dear  old  Doctor  Andrews,  one  of  nature's 
noblemen.  An  original  thinker,  a  skillful  surgeon, 
gifted  scientist  and  writer,  truthful,  honest,  a  w*  11 
wisher  for  every  one,  and  like  many  another  happy 
hearted  genius  he  liked  his  joke.  I  have  often  seen 
him  at  clinics  and  college  quizzes  laughing  heartily 
at  some  comical  answer  a  student  had  made.  He 
would  stand  on  one  leg  and  laugh,  and  then  stand 
on  the  other  leg  and  laugh,  and  the  boys  with  him. 
J'or  instance:  "Mr.  Hayes,  what  would  you  do  in 
case   of  post   partum   hemorrhage  ?" 

"T  would   tie   the   post-partum   artery." 

Another  freshy  was  asked  to  bound  the  cervical 

40  FUN    IH"   A  BOCTOK''s   LIFE 

triangle  and  in  the  course  of  his  replies  included 
the  ramus  of  the  pubes. 

The  doctor  wanted  to  know  if  that  wasn^t 
rather    a   long   triangle. 

AVe  always  welcomed  the  clear,  thorough  lect- 
ures of  Professor  Andrews,  illuminated  with  his 
wit  and  kindliness. 

The  train  stopped  at  a  Bayou  station  just  out- 
side of  New  Orleans,  and  put  off  both  the  Memphis 
drummer  and  his  sweetheart,  leaving  them  stand- 
ing side  by  side,  dejectedly.  Some  one  said  she 
was  a  chambermaid  at  a  hotel  in  the  city.  Further 
deponent  knoweth  not. 

The  old  French  ditty  seems  applicable; 

Le  petit  homme  tant  joli, 
Qui  toujours  chante,  et  toujours  rit, 
Qui  toujours  baise  sa  mignonne; 
Dieu  gard'  de  mal  le  petit  homme. 


The  Grand  Patriarch  rapped  the  meeting  to  order 
and  asked : 

"What  am  the  objecs  of  our  noble  order?" 

The  response  of  the  assembled  brotherhood  was  J 

"Hope,  coslosterousness  and  polotomy !" 

"Who  suggested  dat  motto  fur  us?" 

"George  Ade !" 

Finally  the  committee  on  charity  reported  that 
the  request  for  aid  from  the  widow  of  a  former  simian 
was  unfavorably  regarded,  as  she  had  six  children 
who  in  a  few  years  might  earn  enough  for  her  sup- 
port ;  and  besides,  the  funeral  expenses  of  her  hus- 
band had  used  up  much  of  the  charity  funds. 

A  brother  attracted  the  attention  of  the  patri- 
arch and  remarked : 

"Whaffur  is  dat  expense  charged  to  de  charity 
fun'  ?  it  orter  ben  de  vanity  fun',  fur  dese  niggers 
jest  showed  themselves  off,  struttin'  de  streets  in 
regalys  an'  banners.  Mity  pore  charity  to  spen'  so 
much  on  tomfoolery  an'  let  de  widder  and  kids 
starve !" 

"De  brudder  simian  is  out  of  order  an'  mussn't 


asparage  de  committee  wisdom!''  said  the  patriarch 
as  he  banged  his  gavel  on  the  stone. 

"Whars  all  dat  money  de  treasurer  had  lass 

"Disbussed  in  expenses,  ob  course." 

"Yass,  but  wot  kin'  er  expenses.  Paradin'  and 
showin  off,  picknickin,  funeral  percessioning  and 
sich  like. 

"And  lemme  ax,  brudder  simians,  whas  de  good 
ob  all  dis  paradin'  and  showin'  off?  Makin  de  side- 
walk niggers  jealous  and  wantin'  to  pull  razers  on 
ye;  an'  all  dis  time  dere  aint  a  cent  fur  der  widdy 
an'  de  orfan  we  chew  de  rag  about  so  much!" 

"Let  de  widdy  and  orfan  take  in  washin,  de 
sassiety  cant  support  all  de  lazy  niggers  in  creation,'' 
replied   another  member. 

"^N'o,  but  ye  give  some  odder  lazy  niggers  jobs  as 
secretary  and  treasurer  an'  wot  dey  don't  get  fum  de 
treasury  we  spen'  in  marchin'  and  celebratin',  as 
dough  we  cared  a  mity  lot  fur  de  contents  ob  de 
hearse.  Tf  you  fuss  over  me  dat  way  I'll  hant  yer. 
You  jest  pay  my  ole  woman  de  cost  of  a  nonsense 
blowout,  and  give  me  a  fifty  cent  funeral.  Dats  more 
like  charity!" 

The  chaplain  said :  "De  munificens  ob  dis  sassiety 
muss  be  kep  up.  If  we  do  our  alms  on  de  quiet  who 
is  goin'  to  know  what  a  charitable  order  we  is,  an' 
if  we  don't  do  no  paradin'  whos  goin  to  care  to  jine  ?" 

The  patriarch  then  ended  the  discussion  with: 
"D(^  interruptin'  brudder  has  lived  a  couple  of  hun- 


dron  years  too  soon ;  why,  even  white  sassieties  don't 
give  up  parade  money  fur  fool  charity  no  one  ever 
hears  on." 

In  another  organization  of  white  men  there  was 
a  matter  of  fact  secretary  who  wanted  to  run  things 
too  much  his  own  way,  and  was  a  crank  concerning 
new  ideas  no  one  had  ever  thought  of  but  himself. 

Fpon  returning  from  a  funeral  of  a  former  organ- 
ist of  the  society,  the  secretarj^  reminded  the  members 
that  the  undertaker's  bill  and  banquet  at  two  dollars 
a  plate  figured  up  about  $500,  and  suggested  that  at 
least  another  hundred  dollars  should  be  appropriated 
to  the  widow  and  her  children,  as  they  were  penniless. 

'No  one  responded. 

The  secretary  was  surprised,  but  repeated  the  rea- 
son for  the  appeal,  and  added  that  she  was  a  very 
respectable  and  worthy  person,  as  all  present  Imew, 
and  her  cupboards,  walls  and  floor  were  bare  and  she 
had  nothing  to  buy  food  for  her  family. 

Xot  a  sound. 

The  peppery  secretary  was  mad :  '^Will  no  one 
second  the  motion  ?"  He  asked.  As  silence  continued 
he  pointed  to  one  after  the  other,  asking :  ^^Won't  you 
second  it  ?" 

^  Won't  you  ?  or  you  ?  you  ?  you  ?  you  ?" 

They  were  dead  ones. 

Peppery  took  off  his  regalia  collar  and  slammed  it 
down  on  the  desk,  with:  "I  am  no  longer  a  member 
of  the  order !" 

Long  years   afterward   another  assembly  turned 

44  ruiN"  i.-^r  a  boctcr^s  life 

down  Peppery's  suggestion  that  eases  of  suspected 
suffering  should  be  investigated  and  aid  given  even 
though  no  application  were  made,  as  deserving  per- 
sons entitled  to  help  frequently  preferred  starvation 
to  being  under  obligations  to  any  one;  even  though 
the  order  claimed  to  help  worthy  members.  Such 
folks,  he  reminded  them  were  foremost  in  assisting 
others  but  would  never  claim  help  for  themselves. 

Tn  fact,  one  needy  member  replied  when  asked 
why  he  would  not  accept  assistance  that  belonged  to 
him:  "Yes,  and  have  it  thrown  up  to  me  every  day 
of  my  life,  and  be  handicapped  in  all  business  there- 
after.    [N'o,  thanks!'^ 

Peppery  was  making  himself  unpopular  by  object- 
ing to  the  too  free  use  of  the  funds  by  a  select  few, 
the  other  members  remaining  neutral,  even  saying 
nothing  when  the  coterie  jumped  on  Peppery  for  his 
suggestions.  But  rings  watch  for  opportunities  to 
get  even,  and  when  Peppery  found  a  widow  of  a  mem- 
ber sick,  helpless,  with  no  money,  having  no  means 
to  pay  railway  fare  to  where  she  might  have  aid, 
the  committee  reported  gleefully  that  she  was  not 
worthy  as  she  had  an  able  bodied  son  who  was  work- 
ing in  a  restaurant.  ^NTow  things  superficially  stated 
may  sound  badly  for  an  applicant,  and  it  is  the  un- 
charitable way  to  always  construe  things  against  the 
needy.  Tt  was  true  she  did  have  an  able  bodied  son, 
a  chap  20  years  old,  who  was  at  work  when  the 
committee  called  on  her,  but  that  son  had  been  six 
weeks  sick  near  to  death  and  was  bravelv  trying  to 


keep  on  his  feet,  the  mother  and  son  parting  with  all 
they  had  even  prospectively,  when  both  were  disabled 
from  working. 

After  the  committee  report  had  been  received,  the 
committee  discharged  with  thanks,  the  matter  of  a 
Fourth  of  July  parade  was  taken  up  and  appropria- 
tions galore  rushed  through. 

Aggregate  human  nature  is  made  up  of  individ- 
ual human  nature.  There  was  an  old  druggist 
whose  face  smiled  benignly  perennially,  and  whose 
heart  was  on  his  sleeve  with  beaming  charitableness. 
But,  lo  and  behold,  let  a  beggar  approach,  and  the 
mask  dropped.  Hard,  harsh  lines  and  a  scowl  re- 
pelled the  mendicant,  who  was  lucky  if  he  got  off 
without  a  free  opinion  of  tramps,  bums  and  similiar 
imdesirables.  And  all  this  when  knowing  absolutely 
nothing  about  the  seedy  person,  or  waiting  for  him 
to  ask  for  aid. 

As   Bulwer   says : 

Tis  a  right  good  world  to  live  in; 

To  lend,  to  spend,  or  to  give  in; 

But  to  beg,  or  to  borrow,  or  to  get  a  man's  own, 

'Tis  the  damnedest  world  that  ever  was  known. 


Mexicans  and  Indians  of  many  tribes  swarmed 
the  plains  and  mountains  in  the  fifties,  and  before 
there  was  such  a  place  as  Denver  T  was  at  Pike's 
Peak  and  saw  the  early  prospectors  thronging  there. 

Pat  Casey  was  a  rich  mine  owner,  and  to  be  one 
of  '^Colonel  Casey's  night  hands,"  was  a  password. 
He  bought  his  mine  from  men  who  had  abandoned 
it  on  reaching  bed  rock,  but  Casey  ignorantly  worked 
through  bed  rock  and  struck  it  rich.  His  managers 
could  not  steal  him  poor.  He  could  not  write  his 
name,  and  gave  great  sums  to  anyone  who  flattered 
his  vanity:  for  instance,  boot  blacks  calling  him  col- 
onel got  ten  dollars  for  it.  He  paid  $300  for  one 
night's  use  of  the  bridal  chamber  in  a  New  York 
hotel,  sleeping  alone  in  the  gorgeous  bod  with  his 
boots  on. 

Several  other  instances  of  sudden  fortune,  usually 
with  return  to  poverty  were  known  to  me. 

An  angry  Mexican  mayor  domo,  as  wagonmasters 
are  called,  threatened  me  with  a  knife  and  called  me 
a  "danmed  American."  The  title  amused  me  so 
much  I  laughed,  as  the  possibility  of  such  a  thing  had 


never  occurred  to  me.  Boj  like,  I  thought  any  other 
people  could  be  damned  but  our  own.  The  following 
year  I  met  the  same  Mexican  in  Kansas  City,  and 
as  I  had  on  an  army  uniform  he  was  greatly  per- 
turbed and  apologized,  but  I  dismissed  the  matter 
with,  "el  es  nada,"  it^s  nothing. 

Those  scamps  of  many  colors,  mixed  with  In- 
dians, Moors,  Spanish  and  Africans,  are  picturesque, 
but  when  I  first  saw  Las  Vegas  I  wanted  my  mother, 
and  was  awfully  homesick.  They  were  so  utterly 
foreign  in  everything. 

A  respectable  white  Sonoran,  Senor  Don  Epifanio 
Aguirre,  took  me  over  the  plains  and  paid  me  a  sal- 
ary out  of  proportion  to  my  services,  and  it  gave 
me  a  swell-head  that  later  happenings  had  to  subdue. 
He  was  courting  an  American  lady,  and  as  I  wrote 
his  Spanish  and  English  letters,  he  came  to  trusting 
me  with  translating  his  letters  to  his  sweetheart,  but 
the  fulsome  Spanish  idiom  does  not  admit  of  literal 
change  to  English  words,  and  he  knew  enough  English 
to  know  that  I  had  anglicized  the  sentiment  of  his 
love  letters  too  coldly,  as  he  thought,  so  he  asked  me 
to  make  a  literal  translation,  and  I  did  to  his  admira- 
tion, and  he  resisted  all  my  arguments  that  he  would 
be  ridiculous  in  her  eyes  if  he  sent  it;  but  he  was 
obstinate  and  did  so ;  then  she  requested  him  to  write 
in  Spanish  and  she  would  have  her  father's  clerk 
translate  for  her.  She  seemed  to  think  it  a  trick 
of  mine,  as  when  younger  I  had  been  sweet  on  her 
myself.  •   -• 


About  as  pretty  a  sentiment  to  be  found  in  Span- 
ish is  a  little  verse: 

Saber   lo   mucho   que   te   a  mo 
Si  contares  las  flores  del  suelo, 
Las   estrellas    que   cubran   al   cielo, 
Y  las  olas  que  baten  la  mar. 

Which  is  about  the  only  thing  of  the  kind  in  that 
language  I  ever  found  capable  of  almost  literal  trans- 
lation into  English  with  preservation  of  sense.  Try- 
ing my  hand  at  the  change  to  our  tongue  I  succeeded 
to  this  extent: 

To  know  how  much  I  love  thee. 
Thou  must  count  the  earth's  flowers  o'er, 
The  stars  that  shine  in  the  heavens 
And  the  waves  that  beat  on  the  shore. 

Several  old  time  songs  I  frequently  heard  in 
those  days  I  find  are  imknown  to  the  Mexicans  of 
today,  so  I  may  be  pardoned  for  wishing  to  perpet- 
uate a  couple  of  them.  One  was  an  old  love  song: 
una  canta  de  amor: 

El  corazon  me  palpite. 

Al  oir  tu  dulce  voz, 

Quando    la    sangre    se    advierte, 

Se  pone  en  agitaeion. 

Tu  eres  la  mas   hermosa, 
Tu   eres   la   luz   del   dia, 
Tu  eres  la  estrella  mia, 
Tu  eres  mi  dulce  amor. 

Que  importa  que  noche  y  dia, 

En  te  sola  estoy  pensando, 
El  corazon  palpitando, 
No  cesa  de  repirtir. 

Negro  tienes  tu  cabello, 
Tu  taille  linda  y  airosos, 
Manos  blancos,  pies  preciosos, 
Tom  aire  tienes  al  fin. 


Meaning  that  he  was  terribly  agitated  over  her 
beauty  and  his  heart  would  not  behave  itself.  The 
chorus  is  very  pretty  and  the  air  like  our  modem 
rag  time:  syncopated. 

xi  teamster's  song  tells  of  a  child  talking  to  her 
mother,  that  here  come  the  wagoners,  mother,  they 
are  nearing  the  lagoon,  and  the  wagoner  in  front, 
mother,  is  already  making  a  fire: 

Ya  vienen  los  carreros,  mamma, 
Llegando  a  la  laguna, 
Y  el  carrero  delante,  mamma, 
Llegando  haciendo  lumbre. 

x\t  Albuquerque  the  big  merchant  of  that  period, 
Senor  Don  Ambrosio  Armijo,  who  was  red-headed, 
a  rare  thing  among  Mexicans,  asked  me  to  come  to 
his  house  to  see  a  piano  he  had  brought  across  to 
Taos  and  then  to  Albuquerque  at  much  expense*  It 
had  only  been  opened  to  dust  it,  as  no  one  knew  how 
to  play  on  it.  I  sat  down  on  the  stool,  causing 
wunder  at  the  screw  adjustment  for  height,  a  mystery 
previously  to  them,  and  having  been  taught  some 
accompaniments  by  my  sister,  which  was  about  all 
my  instrumental  reportoire,  I  tinkled  off  a  few  Amer- 
ican airs  and  then  waded  into  the  ^"Canta  de  Amor," 
just  mentioned. 

Whirling  the  stool  around,  I  found  the  floor  filled 
with  squatted  Mexicans,  called  in  by  admiring  Armi- 
jos,  and  the  family  wanted  me  to  stay  and  teach  la 
senor  a  music  at  a  prodigious  salary.  My  inborn 
ciWl  sendee  instincts  revolteti  at  making  a  humbug 

50  rujsr  in  a  doctok^s  life 

of  myself,  pretending  to  teach  what  I  did  not  know, 
and  I  told  Armijo  that  if  he  advertised  in  a  'New 
York  paper  for  a  music  teacher  at  that  salary,  $300 
a  month,  the  plains  would  be  covered  with  excellent 
ones  breaking  their  necks  to  get  to  him.  Remember 
it  was  fifty  years  ago. 

I  wintered  once  with  the  Cheyenne  tribe  which 
was  warring  with  the  T^tes  in  Colorado,  and  observed 
that  the  vaunted  Indian  remedies  were  hocus  pocus 
nonsense,  like  osteopathy,  Christian  science  and  other 
fakes.  A  few  things  they  did  were  serviceable,  but 
most  of  their  medicine  was  repulsive  or  consisted  in 
scaring  devils  of  disease  with  noises.  My  feet  were 
frost-bitten  once  and  an  old  squaw  chewed  up  some 
rabbit  manure  and  applied  it  in  my  moccasins,  with 
soothing  and  curative  results,  but  the  most  of  their 
other  "remedies''  are  ineffective,  superstitious  and 

How  mystery  is  liked  by  those  who  think  the 
Indians  "know  it  all !" 

Another  popular  mistake  is  that  the  Indian  is 
dignified.  Quite  the  contrary,  he  has  boyish  love  of 
fun,  and  constantly  plays  pranks  and  invents  coarse 
jokes.  Some  of  their  nicknames  are  too  filthy  to 


General  Sherman's  remark  that  "war  is  hell''  can 
be  realized  as  true  by  those  only  who  participated  in 

Yet,  incidentally,  comic  situations  occur,  and 
yells  of  laughter  may  go  up  in  battles,  as  when  at  the 
seige  of  Xashville  I  saw  one  of  our  bomb-shells  meet 
a  rebel  shcJl  about  half  way  between  us,  taking  it 
out  of  each  other  harmlessly  for  either  side ;  the  ex- 
treme rarity  of  such  a  thing  making  our  armies  at 
confronting  lines  of  earthworks,  caper  and  yell  with 
delight  and  surprise ;  but  over  went  a  lieutenant  of 
artillery  who  had  been  waiting  for  his  12  pounder  to 
cool,  seated  near  the  embrasure  reading  an  Ohio  news- 
paper some  weeks  old.  He  was  shot  by  a  sharp- 
shooter while  peeping  along  his  cannon  to  see  what 
impression  other  gunners'  shots  were  making  in 
riddling  the  cupola  of  a  distant  seminary  where  the 
rebel  sharpshooters  aimed  at  us.  A  surgeon  and  I 
were  on  horses  in  the  first  day's  fight,  looming  up 
like  pictures  of  fool  generals  abo'^e  the  embankment, 
in  ways  generals  never  dc.  An  eld  artillery  serg- 
eant walked  to  us,  saluting  and  suggesting;  "Grentle- 
mcn,  you  had  better  move  your  horses  down  hill; 
them  sharpshooters  is  gettin'  your  range.*' 

We  then  recalled  having  heard  the  zip,  zips  in 

52  FUN   IN   A  doctor's   LIFE 

the  branches  and  leaves  over  head,  and  as  we  had 
no  business  there  anyv^ay  we  took  his  advice.  ^^Pap 
Thomas'  "  headquarters  were  in  the  old  Acklin  place 
below  the  outer  line  of  fortifications,  and  a  pictur- 
esque pagoda  tower  served  the  mansion  as  a  water 
supply  means. 

Going  back  to  my  barracks  I  heard  that  Andy 
Johnson,  the  military  governor  of  the  State,  had  been 
captured  by  a  squad  looking  for  citizens  to  dig  earth- 
works. The  old  chap  was  fond  of  his  joke  and  never 
said  anything  in  protest,  but,  as  they  passed  his  yard 
gate  he  slid  in  and  bolted  it,  and  probably  the  sold- 
iers never  saw  his  escape,  as  they  were  busy  gathering 
up  others  for  the  press  gang. 

My  boys  presented  me  with  a  petition  to  be  per- 
mitted to  leave  the  barracks  and  go  to  the  front.  This 
sort  of  thing  was  quite  common,  and  the  adjutant 
general  to  whom  it  was  referred  ordered  us  on  picket 
duty  that  night,  and  we  had  all  we  wanted  of  that 
rumpus  before  we  got  through  the  second  day's  fight. 

Awhile  before  this  an  Ohio  regiment  was  camped 
near  my  barracks  and  the  officers  were  very  friendly, 
especially  Colonel  Hurd,  who  had  lost  a  brother  in 
Andersonville  prison,  and  whose  life  seemed  embit- 
tered in  consequence.  His  regiment  had  been  raised 
in  Cleveland  and  he  had  a  vacancy  he  wanted  me  to 
fill,  the  major's  position,  and  sent  to  the  Governor  of 
Ohio  for  my  commission,  which  came  in  due  time 
and  was  celebrated  by  a  feast  at  my  barracks,  the 
i^ctjniiting  reodez^^oois  of  the  Sta-te. 


A  day  or  so  later  came  a  telegram  recalling  the 
commission,  as  the  men  of  the  regiment  claimed  the 
right  to  select  their  own  officers  from  that  part  of 
Ohio,  and  as  my  folks  were  from  near  Cincinnati, 
the  difference  in  location  cut  me  cut;  but  the  poor 
captain  who  served  as  major  in  thai  regiment,  with 
about  half  of  Colonel  Hurd's  men,  was  killed  at  the 
battle  of  !N"ashville  a  few  days  later  in  a  charge  after 
General  Hood  on  his  retreat. 

When  Hood  was  investing  Nashville  the  rebs  we 
captured  said  the  queerest  sound  they  had  heard  for 
years  was  the  crowing  of  roosters,  and  when  my  boys 
seated  some  captives  at  the  long  commissary  table 
and  fed  them  well,  they  gazed  in  amazement,  exclaim- 
ing: "White  bread!''  why  we  were  told  you  Yanks 
were  starving  to  death,  and  didn't  have  even  the  corn 
pones  we  lived  on." 

The  penitentiary  stone  quarry  was  filled  with 
thousands  of  rebel  prisoners  taken  in  that  battle,  and 
soldiers  on  guard  above  the  big  hole  called  out  that 
John  Morgan  had  been  captured.  The  yell  of  deri- 
sion and  cries  of  "Liars,"  and  "Like  hell,  he  is," 
showed  their  faith  in  Morgan's  invincibility;  but  he 
was  shot  later  at  Greenville,  Tenn.,  in  escaping 

A  travesty  of  Tannenbaum,  a  German  college 
song,  was  sung  in  war  times: 

John  Morgan's  foot  is  on  thy  shore, 
Kentucky,   oh,   Kentucky ; 
His  hand  is  at  thy  stable  door, 
Kentucky,  oh,  Kentucky, 

54  FUN^   IX   A  DOCTOli's   LllTJEi 

The  same  air  was  used  for  ''Maryland,  my  Mary- 
land," tli<jugh  the  tune  is  one  that  was  sung  in  Germ- 
any before  there  was  a  Maryland. 

A  darkey  rushed  into  my  camp  about  thirty  miles 
from  the  Tennessee  river  with  the  news  that:  ''You 
gemman  better  get  outer  here  quick,  fer  Pettijohn  wid 
a  hundred  million  men  is  after  you,  and  he  cuts  heads 
off  and  puts  'em  on  poles  wid  'dis  is  de  way  Petti- 
john serves  nigger  lovers'  writ  underneaf." 

As  I  had  only  thirty  men  at  the  time,  being  on  a 
scout,  I  took  his  advice,  being  greatly  outnumbered, 
reaching  and  crossing  the  river  at  Johnsonville  in 
time  to  hear  his  "millions"  on  the  shore  we  had  just 

The  negroes  seldom  betrayed  a  federal  soldier, 
as  they  realized  then  that  though  we  were  not  fight- 
ing expressly  to  free  them,  their  freedom  was  inci- 
dental to  the  war.  They  were  "contraband  of  war," 
and  were  confiscated  as  cotton  was. 

An  old  "sanctified"  white  lady  in  slavery  times 
used  to  come  from  her  Sunday  meetings  and  cruelly 
fiog  niggers  the  rest  of  the  day ;  but  fifty  years  later 
the  wife  of  a  civil  war  veteran  happened  to  say  some- 
thing about  "niggers'  'in  a  crowd  of  them  coming 
from  a  "holiness"  meeting  of  their  own,  and  a  "sanc- 
tified" wench  cussed  and  rip})ed  and  objurgated 
'"dirty  w^hite  trash  wid  one  foot  in  de  grave,  and  de 
odder  orter  be  dere,"  all  merely  for  incautiously  call- 
ing them  by  a  name  they  call  each  other. 

The  veteran  himself  getting  off  a  street  car  was 


tripped  up  purposely  by  a  prize  fighting  darkey,  who 
could  not  use  filthy  enough  language  to  the  old  soldier 
for  remonstrating,  ending  by  saying  he  wasn't  alive  in 
the  civil  war  and  didn't  ax  any  one  to  free  him. 
This  display  is  to  convince  us  ^'dat  dey  are  jiss  as 
good  as  any  dam  white  man." 

They  esteemed  themselves  by  money  value  in 
times  before  the  war,  as  when  a  flock  of  ^^cullud 
pussons"  was  being  baptized  through  holes  in  the  ice- 
covered  Ohio  river  near  Louisville,  when  one  greasy 
saint  slipped  through  the  grasp  of  the  officiating 
baptizer  into  the  hole  and  disappeared,  but  bobh.  d 
up  through  a  distant  hole  from  w^hich  he  was  pulled 
with  the  indig-nant  remark  that  ^^Some  gemman  is 
go'in  to  lose  a  mity  fine  nigger,  one  of  dese  days,  wid 
dis  damfoolishness." 

A  combination  war  and  camp  meeting  song  in 
the  sixties  ran: 

Stand   up  saints  in  de   middle, 

Fall   in   dinners   on  de   flanks. 

And  we'll  all  0t  a  pensicHi. 

And  a'onrable  mention. 

What  stan'  up  stiddy  in  de  ranks. 

A  soldier  has  to  go  where  he  is  ordered,  and  con- 
solidating of  regiments  after  battles  brought  me  from 
scouting  duty  in  upper  Missouri  to  quartermaster 
clerking  in  Benton  barracks,  St.  Louis,  then  to  Fort 
Peabody  near  ^ew  Madrid,  and  recruiting  service 
in  St.  Joseph,  Mo.,  and  then  to  join  the  Engineer 
Corps  constructing  railways  and  bridges  from  Xash- 
ville    to    the    Tennessee  river]    then  on    Sherman's 

56  FU]^  IN  A  DOCTOR^S   LIFE 

march  to  the  sea,  from  which  I  was  turned  back  hy 
promotion  to  a  lieutenancy,  to  get  into  the  seige  and 
battle  of  TsTashville;  later  ordered  to  North  Carolina 
to  make  a  juncture  with  General  Grant,  who  was  sur- 
rounding General  Lee's  army  in  its  last  stand  at 

Sometimes  in  comfortable  barracks  from  which 
at  a  minute's  notice  we  had  to  march  dusty  roads  in 
a  broiling  sun  with  parched  throats,  and  on  forced 
marches  going  to  sleep  in  the  ranks  supported  by 
comrades'  elbows  in  touch  with  the  mechanical,  mo- 
notonous swing  of  the  soldier's  step  till  shocked  sud- 
denly awake  by  passing  through  cold  streams  breast 
high ;  throwing  oneself  by  the  road  when  resting  to 
go  profoundly  asleep  till  the  fife  and  drum  pulled 
you  together  again.  It  is  wonderful  what  a  band  can 
do  on  a  march.  We  have  dropped,  "dead  tired"  from 
a  long  march,  exjiecting  to  make  camp  for  a  few  days 
in  a  certain  place,  and  after  thinking  we  could  not 
go  a  step  farther  the  regimental  musicians  would 
start  into  an  inspiriting  air,  a  national  one,  the 
bugles  would  get  us  in  ranks  again,  and  the  colors 
let  fly  at  the  head  of  the  column,  and  to  the  tune  of 
'^The  Girl  I  Left  Behind  Me,"  we  started  afresh  for 
several  miles  more  Ix^fore  camping. 

In  actual  battle  there  is  no  band  playing  except 
in  books;  the  musicians  then  carry  litters  for  the 
wounded,  but  in  forming  columns  for  attack  the  boys 
step  out  lively  to  music:  "Yankee  Doodle,"  "Star 
Spangled  Banner,"  "  Hail  Columbia."^    At  the  second 

SOLDIER   ¥VN  5? 

dav^s  fight  in  N'ashville,  from  the  center  of  onr  posi- 
tion I  saw  an  army  winding  over  the  hills  from  Fort 
Negley,  many  thousand  strong,  going  to  the  final 
defeat  of  Hood,  who  said  he  was  bound  for  I^^ashville 
or  hell  on  coming  in  sight  of  our  fortifications;  and 
as  he  started  for  Texas  the  last  we  heard  of  him,  we 
have  been  able  to  locate  the  two  places  as  contiguous 
ever  since.  Our  right  wing  extended  clown  the  Cum- 
berland river  to  Harjieth  shoals,  from  which  cavalry 
joined  the  routing  of  the  Confederates  in  their  last 
visit  to  Tennessee.  The  division  marching  from  Ft. 
Negley  was  like  an  enormous  black  snake,  our  army 
blue  appearing  black  far  off,  as  the  column  waved  en 
echelon  over  the  hills  till  in  chasing  the  rebels  from 
their  entrenchments  it  became  a  vast  smoky  cloud, 
with  high  dust  columns  rising  from  cavalry  charges 
on  the  other  side  of  our  center. 

Speaking  of  music  influence,  though :  when  we 
were  mustered  out  at  Knoxville,  Tennessee,  by  orders 
from  the  War  Department  at  the  end  of  the  war,  in 
our  last  march  as  we  went  to  the  paymaster's,  where 
we  dissolved,  the  last  tune  we  heard  from  our  band 
was  ''Home  Again,"  and  the  boys  blubbered  like 
babies,  even  some  poor  old  soldiers  who  had  no  home 
to  go  to  and  maybe  never  had  one. 

As  one  by  one  the  boys  were  paid  off  and  departed 
the  company  dog  ran  after  first  one  then  another,  and 
howled  in  despair  as  company  "K"  perished  from 

il^DIAI^S  A^D  GOLD  M^ES. 

When  the  Civil  War  ended  a  big  slice  of  the  rebel 
army  went  to  Montana,  they  were  said  to  be  the  whole 
"left  wing  of  Price's  army/'  but  at  the  same  time 
there  came  the  worst  set  of  highwaymen  the  west  had 
known,  and  whether  they  were  previously  rebs  or  not 
is  known  to  but  few.  There  were  vigilance  committee 
hangings  in  great  numbers,  one  of  the  most  active  in 
such  events  was  X.  Beidler,  the  assistant  U.  S.  Mar- 

At  the  Indian  fur  trading  post  of  Ft.  Benton,  18 
miles  below  the  falls  of  the  Missouri  river,  a  small 
garrison  of  regular  soldiers  occupied  the  adobe  bar- 
racks with  bastions  at  the  angles,  in  one  of  which  I 
found  relics  of  the  Lewis  &  Clark  expedition  uf 
President  Jefferson's  time.  Buffalo  robes  were 
traded  for  goods  by  the  Indians,  and  these  pelts 
tanned  were  shipped  down  the  river  and  plentiful 
enough  to  cost  but  a  couple  of  dollars  up  to  $20 
ordinarily,  but  a  white  robe  was  priceless,  I  saw  but 
one  such  albino.  I  have  been  on  steamboats  that  had 
to  tie  up  to  the  bank  till  a  herd  of  buffaloes  miles  in 
length  swam  the  river,  and  in  Colorado  and  Kansas 
in  the  fifties  I  saw  the  prairie  covered  with  these 
animals  going  north,  and  our  wagons  were  coralb  d 


three  days  to  allow  them  to  pass,  keeping  our  cavo-^ 
yard  or  oxen  inside  the  eircle  of  wagons,  the  ^'corall,'^ 
and  the  roar  of  the  rushing  feet  and  trembling  of  the 
ground  for  this  time  was  like  thunde^r  and  an  earth- 
quake. As  far  as  the  eye  could  se(^  in  any  direction 
the  buffaloes  covered  the  flat  prairie,  and  not  a  blade 
of  grass  was  left  where  they  had  passed.  Indians 
and  whites  alike  ruthlessly  exterminated  these  ani- 
mals merely  for  the  ^'sport.^' 

My  mother  had  a  hotel  on  the  river  bank  in  Ft. 
Benton,  and  the  house  was  rented  fi'om  a  couple  of 
merchants,  one  on  each  side  of  the  hotel,  and  when 
it  was  ascertained  that  no  liquor  was  to  be  sold  in 
our  place,  at  once  a  gambling  and  drinking  saloon 
was  put  up  next  door  to  us.  These  merchants  violated 
the  Indian  intercourse  laws  by  selling  rot-gut  whiskey 
for  buffalo  robes,  and  they  evaded  the  revenue  laws 
by  smuggling  unstamped  whiskey,  they  also  skinned 
customers,  including  hot(  1  keepers  who  bought  goods 
of  them  at  the  outrageous  prices  of  that  place  and 
time.  Miners  used  to  mention  crucifixion  between 
two  thieves  as  similar  to  our  situation. 

All  business  was  done  during  the  two  months  when 
the  steamers  came  up  from  St.  Louis,  the  remainder 
of  the  year  we  were  frozen  up.  But  expeditions  were 
sent  out  to  Belly  river  and  the  Saskatchewan  above 
the  British  line  to  trade  with  Indians  in  spite  of  the 
international  prohibition  of  such  trade.  And  worse 
still,  so-called  whiskey  was  the  main  commodity  for 
trading ;  the  Indians  would  sell  anything  at  any  price 

60  TVN  m  A  DOCTOR^S  LIFE 

for  a  cup  of  intoxicants,  their  tanned  skins  of  deer, 
buffaloes,  wolves  or  coyotes,  their  ponies,  lodges  and 
even  their  wives.  But  they  revenged  themselves  when 
sober,  so  a  trading  company  had  to  be  very  quick  or 
very  strong  to  escape  vengeance.  Many  massacres 
Were  created  by  such  swindling  of  the  Indians,  espe- 
cially by  government  Indian  agents,  politicians. 

When  I  was  United  States  ganger  I  determined 
the  character  of  this  whiskey  business  to  be  inex- 
pressibly foul,  and  concluded  to  fight  it  every  way 
possible,  so  I  had  several  lots  of  liquor  condemned 
and  forfeited  to  the  government  either  as  beastly 
chemicals  with  tobacco  juice  and  fusel  oil  in  cologne 
spirits,  diluted  heavily  with  water  and  red  peppered 
up  to  scrape  the  throat,  or  it  was  strong  spirit  used  to 
make  hundreds  of  barrels  out  of  one,  but  on  which 
revenue  had  not  been  paid.  I  had  the  fun  of  emptying 
hundreds  of  barrels  of  the  first  kind  into  the  Missouri 
river  and  sending  as  much  more  of  the  other  sort  up  to 
Helena  under  guard,  forfeited  for  absence  of  revenue 
stamps.  One  politician  who  became  a  senator  to  the 
Ignited  States  congress  would  not  give  up  his  fraudu- 
lent whiskey  till  I  had  a  file  of  soldiers  led  by  a  corp- 
oral placed  at  my  orders  by  the  commander  of  the 

Then  as  deputy  collector  of  internal  revenue  I 
carried  on  the  warfare  against  rotten  whiskey,  and 
finally  as  United  States  Court  Commissioner  (one 
office  at  a  time,  only)  I  presided  over  trials  of  viola- 
tion of  Indian  intercourse  laws  and  bottomrv  admir- 


altj  cases  concerning  steamboat  troubles.  Only  in 
inj  biggest  case,  where  I  had  sent  a  company  of  sold- 
iers to  overtake  a  wagon  train  crossing  the  British 
line  and  brought  back  the  wagons  to  Benton,  the 
stockade  of  a  merchant  not  supposed  to  be  interested 
in  the  deal  was  used  to  imprison  the  goods,  and  the 
merchant  and  his  men  by  working  all  night  removed 
all  evidence  of  the  whiskey  trading. 

As  judge  of  the  probate  court  no  orphan  or 
widow  was  allowed  to  be  swindled  while  I  held  the 
office ;  both  in  Montana  and  Dakota  Territories  crim- 
inal and  civil  laws  were  codified,  so  that  we  were  not 
bothered  with  a  lot  of  common  law  misinterpreta- 
tions, and  if  these  Codes  did  not  suit  my  ideas  of 
equity  I  decided  as  justly  as  I  was  capable. 

Probably  not  as  arbitrarily  as  ''czar  Reed'^  and 
*Wall  St.  Cannon"  did  in  the  House  of  Representa- 
tives, though  possibly  as  much  so  as  the  justice  in 
Idaho  in  those  times  when  a  horse  thief  was  being 
tried.  His  honor  cut  proceedings  short  by  saying: 
''Constable  take  this  man  out  and  hang  him." 
The  amazed  lawyer  for  the  prisoner  ejaculated: 
"Why,  your  honor  can't  make  such  a  ruling  as 
that  I" 

"Can't,  eh!  well  just  look  at  the  docket!" 
As  probate  judge  I  performed  the  marriage  cere- 
mony at  three  weddings,  one  on  a  newly  arrived 
steamboat,  the  bride  coming  to  Montana  to  marry 
a  Helena  banker,  and  this  marriage  turned  out  well, 
taking  the  cuss  off  the  three,  for  the  others  did  not 

62  FUN   IN   A   DOCTOR^S   LIFE 

turn  out  so  well.  One  was  a  gambler  who  got  a  divorce 
later,  due  it  was  said  to  her  being  on  the  wrong  side 
for  the  bride  when  standing  up  at  the  ceremony,  and 
the  other  was  altogether  unfortunate.  During  a 
cold  winter  a  young  man  came  to  me  and  asked  me 
to  come  to  a  certain  cabin  that  evening  to  marry  him. 
As  I  knew  everyone  in  the  settlement  I  thought  it 
strange,  but  concluded  some  lady  must  have  come 
over  the  frozen  hills  on  the  mail  buck  board,  a  haz- 
ardous trip  in  several  ways,  as  Indians  were  begin- 
ning to  be  hostile  on  the  route. 

At  the  house  I  found  several  well  known  citizens 
and  the  groom  and  asked  him  the  usual  preliminary 
questions  as  to  his  name  and  residence,  then  asked 
him  the  name  of  the  lady,  his  intended  wife ;  he 
colored  and  kicked  his  heels  in  an  embarrassed  man- 
ner against  the  bunk  he  sat  on,  and  to  my  astonish- 
ment replied :  ^^Damfino !"  All  T  could  do  was  to  ask 
him  to  please  find  out.  He  went  into  another  room 
and  returned  after  a  conference  with  his  friends, 
giving  me  some  French-Canadian  name  as  that  of 
his  intended.  When  she  came  in  T  protested,  for 
I  recognized  her  as  the  wife  of  a  villainous  half-breed 
called  '^Star,"  who  was  alive  yet.  But  the  witnesses 
claimed  that  she  was  not  married  to  ^'Star,''  so  there 
was  nothing  to  do  but  comply.  The  wood  chopper 
took  his  new  wife  to  near  the  Missouri  Falls  and 
soon  a  Sioux  Chief  named  '^Left  Hand"  called  at  his 
cabin  to  forcibly  abduct  '^Star's"  wife,  but  when  the 
woodman  shot  at  the  Indian  a  friend  present  threw 


the  gim  up,  and  the  savage  left  vowing  to  finish 
things  later;  and  he  carried  out  his  threat,  for  a 
general  massacre  took  place  on  Sun  river  and  around 
Benton,  and  the  whites  made  reprisals  by  hanging 
Indians,  and  things  got  so  lively  that  Captain  Baker 
went  with  a  cavalry  troop  to  the  Marias  river  and 
wiped  out  a  village  of  hostile  Blackfeet  Sioux,  for 
which  his  eastern  friends  ostracized  him.  When  sur- 
veying I  met  some  of  the  same  tribe,  but  though  thty 
may  have  felt  like  doing  things  they  refrained. 

One  morning  looking  from  my  window  in  Benton 
I  saw  a  man  hanging  from  some  lodge  poles  on  a 
flat  piece  of  land  near  my  house.  Just  above  his 
hands  tied  behind  his  back,  was  a  large  card  with 
^'Vigilance    Committee"    on    it. 

He  was  one  of  the  night  watch  of  the  town,  had 
waylaid  and  robbed  a  stranger  who,  recovering  from 
the  assault  intended  to  kill  him  and  reporting  to 
the  vigilance  committee,  he  was  secreted  and  the  night 
watch  was  tried  in  his  absence  and  then  sent  for  and 
told  that  a  murder  had  been  committed,  and  tha  man 
who  did  it  was  to  be  hung  and  they  gave  him  some 
fictitious  name.  The  night  watch  actually  got  a  rope 
and  a  box  to  stand  the  man  to  be  hung  on,  and  made 
the  noose,  throwing  the  rope  over  the  top  of  the 
Indian  lodge  poles  where  they  w^ere  tied,  and  placing 
the  box  looked  around  with :  '^Where  is  the  man  to  be 
hung."  He  was  grabbed  and  put  on  the  box,  and  it 
was  kicked  from  under  him  before  he  could  finish 
his  yell  of  fright  at  being  discovered. 

64  FUN   IN   A   DOCTOR^S   LIFE 

All  my  life  I  have  noticed  this  willingness  of 
miscreants,  particularly  the  political  sort,  to  make 
innocent  suffer  even  to  death  for  their  own  crimes. 

The  officers  of  the  military  post  at  the  fort  asked 
me  to  go  with  them  to  a  picnic  once  to  the  great  falls, 
and  I  did  so,  but  as  they  grew  drunk  I  warned  them 
they  should  keep  their  senses,  as  at  any  moment  a 
hostile  band  of  Sioux  might  descend  on  us,  but  they 
were  too  hilarious  to  care,  and  I  dug  out  for  home 
afoot,  leaving  the  ambulance  for  them. 

Crawling  up  hill  after  hill,  Indian  fashion,  and 
looking  all  around  for  Indians,  I  would  then  descend, 
keeping  off  the  traveled  road  till  I  had  gone  the  18 
miles,  and  just  as  the  sun  declined  arrived  opposite 
Benton ;  but  our  yawl  had  been  taken  to  the  other 

I  saw  King,  the  telegraph  operator,  leaning,  hands 
in  pocket,  at  his  door,  and  he  was  the  only  one  visi- 
ble, and  it  took  some  time  for  mc  to  get  his  notice 
across  the  mile  wide  river.  Finally  I  got  a  tree 
branch  and  wig-wagged  in  Morse  code  to  him  to  send 
over  the  boat  quickly.  He  waved  O.  K.  and  ran  down 
to  the  bank  of  the  river,  soon  bringing  the  yawl  over 
to  me.  It  would  have  compelled  me  to  stay  all  night 
in  that  Indian  infested  place  had  I  known  no  signal 
means  of  informing  my  friend. 

The  officers,  sober  enough  the  next  morning,  made 
a  hazardous  escape  into  Fort  Shaw  on  the  Sun  river, 
as  the  Indians  cut  them  off  from  Benton. 

Soon  aftpr  this  I  went  on  a  sun'ey  of  the  mili- 


tary  reservation  and  made  about  five  hundred  dollars 
for  so  doing,  leaving  the  hotel  in  charge  of  a  strange 
clerk  who  stole  about  that  amount  from  the  money 
drawer.  So  things  are  evened  up,  the  law  of  compen- 
sation enabling  the  rich  man  to  get  his  ice  in  the 
summer  while  the  poor  man  gets  his  in  the  winter, 
and  no  one  has  a  short  leg  without  the  other  being  long 
enough  to  make  up  for  it. 

"What  the  clerk  stole  I  evened  up  on  my  survey, 
and  had  I  staid  at  home  and  done  my  own  clerking 
I  wouldn't  have  made  any  more  than  I  did,  for  I 
couldn't  then  have  done  the  surveying.  J^othing  like 
optimism,   unless  it  is  idiocy. 

A  mishap  that  recalls  my  anxiety  to  earn  all  I 
could  to  pay  my  way  through  medical  college,  and  at 
the  request  of  an  express  agent  at  a  small  town  called 
Elk  Point  in  Dakota  Territory,  who  wanted  to  leave 
there  to  see  his  dying  father,  I  took  charge  of  his 
office,  but  as  he  was  in  a  great  hurry  and  there  was 
no  time  to  check  up  before  the  train  came  on  which 
he  jumped  I  signed  a  receipt  for  everything  and  took 
it  for  granted  he  was  honest. 

I  earned  about  thirty  dollars  in  his  absence  toward 
my  college  expenses,  but  out  of  this  I  had  to  pay  the 
express  company  thirty-five  dollars  for  ^'Old  Horse" 
shortage  he  had  stolen.  I  used  to  wonder  if  he  would 
chuckle  over  his  good  fortune  in  skinning  a  sucker 
when  he  sat  on  live  coals  and  brimstone  subsequently 
for  the  trick. 

The  miners  carried  buckskin  bags  for  their  gold 

66  FUN   IN   A  DOCTOk's   LIFE 

dust  instead  of  coin  and  poured  tlie  dust  into  a  pan 
called  a  blower,  whence,  after  having  the  black  sand 
removed,  it  was  weighed  on  small  scales.  I  used  to 
grub-stake  wandering  prospectors  on  shares,  but  if 
they  ever  found  pay  gold  they  did  not  report.  The 
place  I  lived  in  at  White  Hall,  on  a  small  stream, 
afforded  ''color"  to  every  spadeful,  but  not  enough 
for  panning  or  cradling,  though  pay  gulches  were  all 
around  us.  Years  after  I  left  White  Hall  I  was 
told  that  hydraulic  mining  there  made  many  mill- 
ions. We  were  literally  walking  over  wealth  unat- 
tainable by  ordinary  mining  methods.  But  prices 
were  awfully  high  and  my  brother-in-law  Eastman, 
in  charge  of  the  Fur  Company  at  Benton,  used 
to  say  that  he  did  not  like  a  country 
where  dried  apples  was  a  luxury.  Once  flour 
ran  to  a  hundred  dollars  for  a  hundred  pound  sack; 
one  merchant  hiding  his  supply  hoping  it  would  more 
than  double  that  price,  but  the  miners  when  he 
refused  a  hundred  and  fifty  confiscated  the  whole 
supply  covered  by  hay-stacks. 

I  saw  a  miner  come  to  the  International  Hotel  in 
Helena  before  the  fire  destroyed  the  town,  handing 
Jules  Germain,  the  owner,  his  gold  sack  to  weigh  out 
enough  dust  for  a  night's  lodging.  Jules  blew  the 
pan,  and  poured  out  nearly  an  ounce,  when  the  miner 
asked  his  terms  and  was  told  that  fifteen  dollars  was 
due  for  breakfast  and  bed.  "I  only  had  a  bed,"  said 
the  miner,  but  as  he  did  not  get  up  to  breakfast  till 
too  late  it  was  to  be  paid  for  anyway.     ''You  charge 

india:ns  and  gold  mines  67 

high,"  said  the  gold  hunter.  ^^My  rent  is  high," 
replied  Germain.  ''But  you  don't  expect  a  night's 
lodging  to  pay  a  year's  rent,"  was  the  retort.  The 
miner  drew  his  pistol  with  the  advice  to  put  that 
dust  back  in  the  sack.  Germain  did  so,  went  to  the 
door  and  told  the  stage  driver  to  hand  do^vn  the 
baggage  of  this  man.  The  miner  covered  the  driver, 
who  did  nothing,  and  the  stage  went  off  with  a  land- 
lord minus  an  unreasonable  demand. 

I  have  deeds  and  stock  to  about  fifty  thousand 
dollars  face  value  in  Xevada  mines  and  would  sell 
them  all  for  a  five  dollar  bill.  I  got  them  on  horse 
trades  and  saddle  swaps ;  but  I  saved  the  thousand 
dollars  or  more  taxes  I  didn't  pay. 

Every  store  had  a  bottle  of  muriatic  acid  to  test 
gold  with,  and  some  scamps  substituted  water  in  a 
saloon  keeper's  vial  for  the  acid.  He  wondered  at 
business  being  so  good,  and  the  brass  filings  ^'didn't 
fizz"  when  the  bartender  tested  the  ^^pay  dust." 

One  beautiful  day  in  spring  I  rode  my  little  black 
California  morgan  horse  to  Virginia  City  from  White 
Hall,  and  had  no  sooner  arrived  than  a  blizzard 
began,  but  I  talked  over  the  wire  to  the  station  and 
the  operator  told  me  that  my  two  year  old  little  girl 
had  met  with  an  accident,  and  before  he  had  time 
to  explain  further  the  line  broke.  In  spite  of  mj 
friends  insisting  on  my  not  risking  the  storm  I 
mounted  and  ran  over  the  Bald  range  of  the 
irtockies  in  the  face  of  one  of  the  fiercest  snow  storms 
the  country  has  known,  hundreds  perished  in  it  in 

68  F\JN  IN"  A  DOCTOR''s   LIFE 

the  territory.  I  gave  Katj  the  reins,  as  I  could  see 
nothing,  and  she  danced  over  the  hills  to  Jefferson 
river  station,  and  I  v^as  carried  into  the  ranch  frozen 
stiff  and  v^as  months  in  recovering.  The  baby  had 
shut  a  massive  door  on  her  little  finger  and  my  v^ife 
splinted  it;  to  onr  gratification  the  finger,  though 
mashed  flat,  recovered  full  use  and  symmetry,  due 
to  the  cartilaginous  and  not  osseous  development  at 
that  age. 

It  took  sixty-seven  days  to  go  up  the  Missouri  on 
the  boat  Mountaineer,  but  we  returned  in  much  less 
time  down  stream.  One  of  my  fellow  passengers 
was  a  boarder  of  mine  at  the  hotel  who  skipped  his 
bill,  and  the  porter  said  his  trunk  was  too  heavy  to 
bring  down;  it  was  full  of  gold,  or  maybe  bricks. 
An  investigation  revealed  that  it  was  screwed  to  the 
floor  and  empty. 

It  was  useless  to  even  refer  to  the  matter,  so 
we  chatted  of  other  things  and  I  heard  the  boom  of 
the  six  pounder  on  the  shore  and  saw  some  bon-fires 
lighted  as  our  boat  swung  into  the  stream  and  started 
down  to  civilization,  and  asking  him  if  he  knew  what 
it  meant  he  assured  me  that  the  saloon  keepers  were 
rejoicing  over  my  departure  from  the  territory. 


IJntil  the  beginning  of  the  Civil  War  the  custom 
of  making  calls  on  Xew  Yearns  day  persisted  as  evi- 
dence of  the  Darwinian  theory  of  our  descent. 
Troops  of  young  men  roamed  the  streets  visiting 
young  ladies  who  from  tables  spread  in  their  parlors 
pressed  them  to  eat  dainties,  and  from  well  stocked 
sideboards  plied  their  boy  friends  with  drink  that 
formed  life  long  bad  habits  for  many. 

It  was  the  thing  to  be  tipsy  that  day,  to  fall  out 
of  and  into  houses  to  the  laughter  of  girls  and 
matrons;  respectable  people  who  merely  followed  the 
custom  for  want  of  ability  to  think,  just  as  we  permit 
paupers,  insane  and  criminals  to  be  made  by  rum- 
sellers  in  this  century. 

In  1855  the  post  office  and  a  block  of  stores  faced 
the  river  and  on  Main  street,  behind  them  on  the 
<jomer  of  Market  street,  was  the  Merchants  Exchange, 
and  that  constituted  the  most  imposing  portion  of  the 
business  part  of  St.  Louis;  later  the  post  office  moved 
to  Olive  street  above  Main,  then  to  Walnut  and  Third 
streets  the  great  three  story  Custom  House,  about  30 
by  50  feet. 

70  FUN   IJS"   A   DOCTOR^S   LlFfi 

Fourth  street  was  the  retail  store  promenade ; 
Almond  street  was  tough.  The  old  Mandan  mounds 
up  the  river  still  remained  with  a  flag  on  the  top,  from 
which  came  the  name  of  ''Mound  City."  Beer  gar- 
dens surrounded  the  spot.  This  was  Frenchtown  where 
the  Germans  lived,  and  down  the  river  near  the 
arsenal  the  French  lived  in  Germantown,  reminding 
me  of  the  Democrat,  the  favorite  newspaper  of  Re- 
publicans, and  the  Republican  patronized  mainly  by 
Democrats.     An  instance  of  ''lucus  a  non.'^ 

As  a  boy  I  went  hunting  beyond  15th  street, 
where  sink-holes  abounded,  in  some  of  which  boys 
swam  in  summer  and  over  which  they  skated  in 
winter.  My  gun  was  rainbow  hued;  yellow  stock, 
red  barrels,  blue  butt  and  green  hammers.  Seeing 
a  flock  of  geese  overhead  while  swimming  once,  I 
got  to  shore,  waded  to  the  middle  of  the  pond,  placed 
the  gun  on  my  shoulder  straight  upward,  and  when 
the  geese  came  in  range  let  off  both  barrels,  making 
a  good  imitation  of  a  pile  driver,  for  I  was  rammed 
downward  into  the  muddy  bottom,  leaving  my  varie- 
gated fowling  piece  to  be  discussed  by  antiquarians 
centuries  hence,  as  I  was  too  much  occupied  in  escap- 
ing the  smother  of  sink-hole  mud.  That  ended  my 
desire  to  hunt  birds,  and  trying  rabbits  in  the  winter, 
shooting  between  fence  rails  with  grm  butt  against 
my  abdomen,  finished  my  discouragement  of  sport 
altogether,  for  the  gun  kicked  my  meals  up. 

Real  lager  beer  was  stored  away  in  caves  that 
abounded  in  the  geological  formation  of  that  part  of 


Missouri,  and  one  of  the  famous  resorts  remembered 
by  all  old  St.  Louis  people  was  Uhrig's  Cave,  where 
the  boys  of  the  city  went  "to  see  the  Dutch  girls 
dance,"  and  the  whirling  waltzes  of  that  era  of  hoop 
skirts  afforded  the  kids  amusement  enough  to  fill 
the  benches  along  the  dancing  room  sides. 

Grand  avenue  was  in  the  country,  and  once  a 
county  fair  there  was  broken  up  by  a  severe  rain 
storm,  cabmen  charged  $20  and  even  $100  for  rides 
back  to  the  city  and  safety,  throngs  tramped  through 
the  muddy  roads  and  some  perished  in  the  ditches. 

The  old  Billy  Barlow  estate,  near  Shaw's  garden, 
was  bought  by  my  uncle.  Captain  John  J.  Koe,  on 
Lafayette  avenue,  and  nearer  town  was  '^Cracker 
Castle,"  owned  by  a  cracker  manufacturer.  These 
regions  had  much  vacant  land  but  are  now  solidly 
built  up.  Choteau  avenue  was  the  approach  to  that 
part  of  the  suburbs. 

Choteau,  Harrison  and  Yalle  were  the  great  fur 
dealers  and  starters  of  "voyageurs"  up  the  river  thou- 
sands of  miles  to  trade  with  Indians,  pulling,  or  cor- 
delling,  as  it  was  called,  flat  boats  to  the  head- 
waters with  trading  supplies,  bringing  down  great 
loads  of  furs. 

I  recollect  an  old  merchant  named  D.  A.  January 
who  at  nearly  90  married  an  18  year  old  girl,  and 
the  youngsters  expressed  the  wish  that  he  would 
break  his  blamed  old  bones  when  he  frisked  around  so 
boyishly  with  his  bride. 

The  dress  of  that  time  was  broadcloth  and  doe- 


skins  with  tight  boots,  which  passed  to  the  waiters, 
finally,  and  gave  way  to  hobtail  diagonals  and  pants 
so  tight  you  had  to  be  melted  into  them. 

The  old  fashioned  dress  of  my  grandfathers'  days 
I  saw  but  once  in  that  city,  on  an  old  ^'left  over."  He 
had  a  peruke  tied  with  ribbon  behind,  powdered  hair, 
and  big  silver  shoe  buckles  with  short  clothes  or 
''smalls"  and  worsted  stockings.  Old  John  H.  Lucas, 
with  his  big  patches  of  mutton  chop  whiskers  high 
on  his  cheek  bones  under  his  eyes,  was  a  distin- 
guished part  of  the  landscape. 

I  heard  one  of  the  banker  Benoist  Brothers  say 
to  the  other,  as  he  hung  up  his  hat  behind  the  counter 
of  their  little  bank :  ''The  convention  has  nominated 
Abraham  Lincoln  for  President,"  and  they  seemed 
so  excited  and  pleased  that  I  wondered  why,  never 
having  heard  the  name  before.  My  first  vote  was 
for  his  re-election,  when  I  was  a  lieutenant  in  the 

Ben  DeBar's  theatre  was  the  great  resort  then  and 
Maggie  Mitchell  played  "Fanchon,"  when  the  first 
Atlantic  cable  was  announced  as  completed  by  the 
manager  and  the  people  were  so  enthusiastic  that 
they  did  not  remain  to  another  act.  Forty  years 
later  president  Mitchell  of  the  Chicago  and 
Northwestern  railway  died  in  Wisconsin  at  85  years 
of  age,  and  the  papers  said  he  was  the  youngest  son 
of  Maggie  Mitchell.  I  saw  her  at  the  "New  Theatre," 
in  Nashville,  during  the  war  and  thought  her  young 
then,  but  on  the  street  she  looked  ancient  enough. 


Acting   seems   to   preserve   many   to   generations   of 

The  State  Savings  Institution  on  Main  street  was 
the  great  bank,  larger  than  any  other  west  of  the  Alle- 
ghenies.  In  the  days  of  wild  cat  currency,  before 
greenbacks  Were  provided,  Johnny  McCluney,  Obe- 
diah  Owen  and  I  were  the  collectors,  there  being  no 
clearing  houses,  and  we  often  had  as  much  as  a  mill- 
ion dollars  to  handle  in  a  day,  from  other  banks,  from 
the  sub-treasury,  customers  or  depositors,  and  sort- 
ing for  redemption  by  banks  of  issue.  Bankable  funds 
meant  Missouri  bank  notes,  worth  about  90  cents  on 
the  dollar;  currency  meant  the  notes  of  other  States, 
as  Illinois,  worth  about  60  cents,  and  banks  of  States 
farther  away  were  as  low  as  25  cents.  Specie  in- 
cluded gold  and  silver.  With  all  this  confusion  and 
chance  for  stealing,  I  never  heard  of  any  wrong  doing 
by  an  employee,  but  we  protected  one  another  jeal- 
ously in  all  rights  and  privileges.  Promotions  for 
merit  were  the  rule.  Our  cashier  was  Isaac  Rosen- 
feld,  Jr.,  who  had  one  of  those  chevaux  de  frise  signa- 
tures he  thought  proof  against  imitation  when  there 
was  not  a  clerk  in  the  bank  who  could  not  make  the 
picket  fence  scrawl  so  he  could  not  have  told  it  from 
his  own.  Years  later  he  failed  for  a  million  in  gold 
in  'New  York.  We  had  tiers  of  iron  vaults  in  which 
the  then  new  Herring  safes  were  placed  with  letter 
combinations.  Burglars  chafed  the  floor  of  our  money 
vault  from  a  store  beneath  to  let  our  Herring  through 
the  floor  into  the  sewer,  thence  by  a  raft  to  Bloody 

t4  rUN   IK  A  BOCTOR^S   LIFE 

Island,  where  they  planned  to  break  into  it  at  leisure, 
but  our  night  watch  heard  and  broke  up  the  game. 
His  name  was  Walsh. 

As  a  member  of  the  State  l!Tational  Guard  I  began 
my  military  career  till  the  Camp  Jackson  capture 
of  General  Flood,  who  hoped  to  run  us  off  to  General 
Price's  army  but  found  insuperable  difficulties  in  half 
the  men  being  Unionists  instead  of  all  leaning  toward 
the  South.  The  "Sesech"  and  "Loyal"  encounters  at 
the  war  outbreak  rended  families  and  made  great  con- 


Hunger  is  popularly  supposed  to  be  more  painful  ] 

than  thirst.  That  is  because  water  is  usually  so 
easily  obtained  that  hunger  is  more  often  mentioned 
as  more  common  than  thirst. 

Well,  let  any  person  who  has  suffered  for  want 
of  water,  particularly  on  a  sandy  waste,  with  a  broil- 
ing sun  overhead,  tell  you  what  he  knows  of  the  two 
privations,  for  if  you  are  dangerously  thirsty  you 
cannot  swallow  food  without  moisture,  so  you  die  of 
both  kinds  of  privation  if  you  thirst  to  death. 

Fifty  years  ago  there  were  only  big  wagons  called 
prairie  schooners,  drawn  by  mules  or  oxen,  that  car- 
ried freight  from  Fort  Leavenworth  or  Kansas  City 
to  'New  Mexico. 

Eailroads  were  undreamed  of  then  in  most  parts 
of  the  world. 

A  firm  of  government  freight  contractors,  Eussell, 
Majors  &  Waddell,  stretched  their  ox  teams  and 
wagons  incredible  distances  across  the  plains;  one 
train  alone  filled  a  road  on  the  level  prairie  from  one 
horizon  to  the  other,  and  they  had  many  such  trains. 


l^VN   IN  A   BOCTOE  S   LIFE 

Travelers  with  one  to  a  dozen  wagons  were  fre- 
quent in  those  clays  of  California  and  Colorado  set- 
tling. The  question  first  asked  by  a  German  in  San 
Francisco  was  usually  put  to  new  arrivals  of  ^^tender- 
feet"  :  "Did  you  come  the  plains  over,  the  isthmus 
across  or  the  horn  around?'' 

"Outfits/'  as  these  trains  were  dubbed,  drawn 
by  mules  made  better  time  than  oxen  pulled  wagons, 
except  on  sand,  the  spreading  toes  of  the  cattle  not 
sinking  so  deeply  as  the  little  hoofs  did ;  so  half  a  mile 
to  a  mile  a  day  was  about  the  mule  team  rate  on  a 
desert,  while  oxen  pulled  sometimes  twenty  miles  a 
day.  Pony  expresses  ran  a  hundred  miles  a  day, 
carrying  the  mails,  changing  horses  where  possible; 
going  the  Raton  route  rather  than  the  Cimmaron  or 
dry  route.  Holliday's  stages  took  passengers  over  the 
plains  at  about  ten  miles  an  hour,  if  Indians,  road 
agents  or  ladrohes  permitted. 

In  hilly  parts  of  the  Kew  Mexico  roads  you  would 
come  across  little  piles  of  stones,  cairns,  topped  with 
sticks  tied  in  the  form  a  cross.  Passers-by  threw  a 
stone  upon  the  heap  to  make  it  larger.  Each  such 
spot  marked  the  grave  of  a  murdered  man. 

If  thrist  killed  you  on  the  dry  route  your  bones 
bleached  alongside  those  of  oxen,  deer,  buffalo,  wolves, 
dogs,  horses  and  other  animals  that  had  perished 
from  want  of  water. 

This  parched,  sandy  waste  was  called  the  Jornada 
del  Muerte,  or  Journey  of  Death ;  pronounced  Horn- 
ada  del  Mooerty,  as  near  as  you  can  make  English 


spell  anything,  and  the  mutations  of  that  name  were 
comical,  for  the  Gringo  or  American  teamster  invar- 
iably corrupts  Spanish  to  suit  himself  and  in  this 
case  called  the  dry  route  ^'Hornalley/'  pointing  to 
the  rows  of  bones,  skulls  and  horns  on  each  side  of 
the  road  to  explain  the  name.  Similarly  the  king's 
route,  ^'route  du  roi,"  became  ^'Rotten  Row,"  in  Eng- 

Sand  storms  piled  dunes  in  the  way  around  which 
it  was  necessary  to  wander,  and  the  blistering  heat 
drew  all  the  water  through  your  skin,  parching  your 
throat  and  preventing  your  eating  unless  with  plenty 
of  water,  which  was  hard  to  spare,  enough  of  which 
could  hardly  be  carried  for  the  teamsters  to  say 
nothing  of  the  animals,  who  grew  visibly  weaker  and 
bonier  day  by  day. 

The  Cimmaron  river  ran  tortuously  under  ground 
and  changed  directions  so  that  charts  could  not  be 
made.  At  nights  the  cold  usual  in  deserts  enabled 
us  to  dig  for  water,  maybe  striking  the  sunken  river 
in  a  few  feet,  or  more  often  not  finding  it  at  any  depth 
we  could  dig.  If  a  well  in  the  sand  lasted  a  day  or 
two,  left  by  some  preceding  teamsters,  the  water  was 
too  brackish  with  alkali  to  use,  just  as  sea  water  is 
not  drinkable,  and  digging  in  the  same  spot  revealed 
that  the  river  had  wandered  away. 

Going  to  bed  thirsty  and  unable  to  eat  or  cook 
anything  is  uncomfortable,  and  makes  you  dream  of 
fountains  and  feasts.  Finally  your  senses  go  and 
frenzy  carries  you  off  raving  for  water. 


ITntil  too  far  away  from  the  river  to  do  so, 
xA^guirre,  our  train  owner,  sent  muleteers  with  kegs 
to  fill  and  bring  to  us,  but  the  carriers  drank  much 
before  we  got  the  water,  and  their  return  to  camp 
became  farther  into  the  nights  till  the  kegs  were  dry, 
as  no  more  trips  were  made.  Then  it  was  I  saw  the 
Mexican  carreros  break  up  the  kegs  and  actually 
suck  the  staves,  so  miserably  thirsty  were  they. 

Tule  Rosa  creek  was  the  first  stream  we  came  to 
the  second  day  without  water,  crawling  out  of  this 
hell  with  staggering  animals  and  men  growing  delir- 
ious from  heat  and  thirst  combined.  We  were  two 
weeks  crossing  the  sixty  miles  of  the  journey  of  death. 
We  had  hard  work  to  keep  the  mules  from 
jumping  with  the  wagons  from  the  hill  over- 
looking the  stream. 

Everything  is  relative  in  this  world,  and  I  cannot 
recall  any  more  beautiful  place  than  this  mountain 
rivulet,  with  clear  water  running  over  the  rocks  along 
flowery  and  grassy  banks.  It  was  like  getting  into 
paradise,  and  we  loafed  there  another  week.  So  had 
we  gone  the  Raton  route  we  would  have  saved  time 
and  suffering. 

Twenty  years  later  I  had  a  government  contract 
to  survey  along  the  unexplored,  Indian  haunted  reg- 
ion of  Dakota  Territory,  that  afterward  was  near  the 
line  between  the  north  and  south  divisions  into  states. 
Fifty  thousand  dollars  had  bsen  appropriated  for  the 
work  at  ten  dollars  a  mile,  determining  and  perma- 
nently marking  principal  meridians  and  standard  par- 


allels,  dividing  the  coimtrj  into  ^^checks''  24  by  42 
miles,  the  longer  measure  being  latitude  lines. 

Some  days  I  could  make  thirty  miles  over  the 
smooth  prairies,  level  as  a  floor,  often;  but  I  had 
thirty  men  and  seven  teams  to  pay  for  and  to  provi- 
sion, and  bad  days  or  hilly  places  would  knock  me 
down  to  a  mile  or  less  a  day,  and  away  went  profits. 
Timber  was  not  frequent  but  it  also  reduced  progress. 
The  magnetic  needle  was  useless  owing  to  iron  in  the 
soil,  which  was  mostly  composed  of  hummucks  or 
sandy  dunes  away  from  the  flat  plains.  Part  of  my 
work  was  in  what  was  called  the  bad  lands  at  that 

The  Bed  river  of  the  !N"orth  on  one  side  and  the 
Missouri  river  on  the  other  side  of  the  land  over 
which  I  was  to  run  with  two  sets  of  chainmen  and  a 
solar  compass,  were  the  only  points  charted  by  the 
V.  S.  Land  Office.  One  of  my  ^'checks"  you  can  see 
mapped  as  Ransom  county,  through  which  the  Chey- 
enne river  dips  from  the  north  to  an  abandoned  mili- 
tary reservation  in  which  was  Ft.  Ransom,  the  only 
place  that  knew  a  white  man's  foot  in  those  days. 
But  the  river  and  fort  might  as  well  have  been  in 
Joppa  for  all  the  information  we  had  about  it,  as 
our  charts  showed  the  Cheyenne  river  running  south 
across  a  line  far  to  the  north  near  the  British  bound- 
ary, and  far  east  of  this  crossing  the  same  line  going 
north  to  the  Red  river,  leaving  us  to  imagine  that  we 
would  hit  the  river  in  two  places  on  a  westerly  line 
south  of  Ft.  Ransom.     But  day  after  day  the  line 

80  FUN   IN   A  DOCTOR^S   LIFE 

was  pushed  west  toward  the  Missouri  and  no  river 
was  seen.  What  water  we  had  started  with  gave  out, 
and  hoping  to  soon  have  a  new  supply  we  went  sup- 
perless  to  bed  and  arose  to  string  out  toward  the  west 
without  breakfast.  A  cracker  would  turn  to 
a  dry  powder  in  the  mouth,  choking  you  till 
blown  away  with  your  breath.  Plodding  along  in 
this  way  the  second  day  without  sight  of  water, 
our  eyes  became  sunken,  cheeks  hollow  and  tongues 
swelled  and  blackened  with  cracks,  so  it  was 
difficult  to  talk,  and  each  man  grew  so  irritable 
that  we  were  growing  irresponsible  and  liable  to  fight 
over  nothing. 

Just  then  a  Missourian  climbed  out  of  the  cook 
wagon,  shouting  that  he  had  found  something  to 
drink,  that  he  was  full  of  water  and  had  found  a 
camp  kettle  of  boiled  rice  holding  a  lot  of  water,  all 
of  which  he  had  drunk. 

The  surveyors  closed  in  toward  him,  and  I  Imew 
full  well  what  that  ^'puke's"  fate  was  had  I  not  in- 
terfered. They  drew  revolvers,  but  I  elbowed  them 
away  and  painful  as  it  was  to  speak,  I  ordered  the 
fool  to  leave  us  and  keep  half  a  day's  march  behind 
the  expedition. 

At  the  fortieth  mile  of  that  check  I  realized  that 
the  river  did  not  pass  as  far  south  as  the  line  we  were 
running,  so  abandoning  wagons  and  camp  outfit  I 
ran  a  ^^blind  course^'  without  measuring  northeast- 
erly to  intercept  the  river  as  soon  as  possible.  Driv- 
ing the  horses  before  us  the}^  smelt  the  creek  long  be- 


for  we  knew  it  was  near  and  raced  away,  dashing 
into  it  and  rolling  over  in  it. 

The  men  jumped  in  with  their  clothing  on,  and 
I  begged  them  not  to  swallow  the  water  yet,  those  who 
did  so  vomited  severely.  We  had  to  gradually  soak 
it  through  our  skins.  In  this  way  the  shipwrecked 
manage  to  filter  sea  water  through  to  partly  quench 
the  thirst  they  dare  not  appease  by  drinking.  Here, 
as  in  ;N'ew  Mexico  with  the  other  party,  time  was  lost 
resting  from  the  hardships  of  thirst.  We  cared 
nothing  for  our  goods  far  away,  and  thought  only  of 
soaking  ourselves  that  night  in  the  lovely  water. 

Between  these  two  occasions  when  on  marches  in 
the  army  through  dust  and  sun  canteens  were  soon 
dry  and  throats  were  parched,  but  no  such  horrible 
torture  was  endured  as  upon  the  Mexican  plains  and 
on  my  survey  expedition. 

x\s  for  hunger,  there  were  occasions  when  food 
was  long  in  coming  and  very  well  relished  in  con- 
sequence, but  in  the  army  in  the  CUvil  War  grafters 
had  not  had  much  if  any  chance  at  our  food,  so  as  a 
rule  it  was  good,  such  as  it  was,  dessicated  vegetables, 
hard  tack  and  sow-belly  sides  of  bacon,  and  being 
boys  things  tasted  nearly  like  home  fodder  to  us. 

Once  on  the  plains  I  lost  my  way  in  a  snow  storm, 
and  coming  to  a  small  stream  my  mule  refused  to 
cross  on  the  ice.  Trying  to  haul  him  across  by  a 
lariat  fastened  to  a  tree  on  the  other  side  failing,  I 
bethought  w.e  of  trying  the  inducement  of  burning, 
as  licking  was  no  use.     I  lit  the  only  match  I  had 

82  FUN  IN  A  doctor's  life 

and  lie  shut  his  tail  down  on  it  and  smiled  at  my 
trick.  I  had  to  head  the  arroyo  and  go  around  the 
creek,  and  coming  to  the  Arkansas  river  across  which 
was  the  stockade,  the  obstinate  mule  saw  the  cavo- 
yard,  as  herds  are  cal](?d  there,  and  ran  over  the 
frozen  river  without  urging. 

Just  like  a  mule,  to  balk  at  crossing  a  ten  foot 
frozen  creek  and  unexpectedly  run  over  a  thousand 
feet  of  frozen  river  without  hesitation. 

Mules  afford  numerous  yarns,  among  them  being 
one  where  a  negro  had  exhausted  his  temper  and 
blackguarded  the  hybrid  with:  ''You  hain't  got  no 
business  to  be  a  mule,  nohow.  Your  fadder  wasn't 
a  mule   an'  your  mudder  wasn't  no  mule!" 

G(^n.  Sheridan  told  of  a  mule  incident  among  the 
funniest  of  his  happenings.  In  the  army  an  Irishman 
was  whacking  and  spurring  an  obstinate  mule  that 
cavorted,  bucked,  sat  down  and  kicked  by  turns,  and 
in  the  manouvering  the  mule  caught  his  foot  in  the 
stirrup,  when  Pat  says :  ''Well,  by  gorrah,  if  you  are 
goin'  to  get  up  I'll  get  off." 

But  previous  to  all  this  I  had  wandered  in  the 
storm  without  food  for  two  days,  trying  to  kick  up 
from  beneath  the  snow  the  wild  onions  and  potatoes, 
little  slim  tubers  that  Indians  gather  and  feed  on. 
Coming  across  a  government  mule  that  had  frozen  in 
the  storm  I  used  up  all  but  a  final  match  in  making 
a  twig  and  buffalo  chip  fire  to  try  to  cook  a  steak  from 
the  carcass.  But  I  can't  recommend  mule  meat  as  a 
diet.    It  was  like  trying  to  eat  one's  boots. 


There  is  no  recollection  of  anything  further  in  this 
line  than  mere  long  time  between  meals  occasionally, 
nntil  in  1871,  when  I  conceived  the  idea  of  putting  up 
a  telegraph  line  between  Sioux  City  and  Yankton, 
along  the  Missouri  river.  I  found  merchants  ready  to 
subscribe  to  ^^scrip"  and  pay  for  it  when  the  line  was 
finished,  taking  their  pay  for  the  scrip  in  telegraph- 
ing; the  line  being  a  great  convenience  in  a  country 
isolated  as  that  region  was  then.  My  friend,  John  H. 
Charles,  advanced  the  wire  and  main  expense,  and 
as  fast  as  I  finished  the  line  to  a  town  in  the  route 
the  merchants  b«night  the  ''scrip"  and  enabled  me  to 
meet  expenses,  providing  food  for  my  construction 
party  and  paying  their  wages,  though  the  exchecquer 
was  pretty  close  run  at  times. 

Once,  when  near  Elk  Point,  I  gave  the  men 
orders  on  hotels  for  their  meals,  subsequently  re- 
deemed when  collections  were  easier,  but  could  not 
bring  myslf  to  explain  to  any  landlord  how  I  could 
not  pay  cash  for  my  own  individual  meals.  Con- 
struction credit  depended  upon  keeping  poverty  un- 
known; but  the  pinch  was  there  all  the  same,  and 
while  my  men  were  well  provided  with  eatables,  I 
simply  refrained  from  indulging  a  confoundedly  in- 
convenient appetite  till  sufficient  line  had  been  fin- 
ished and  payments  enabled  to  the  hotel  keepers  who 
trusted  me  to  redeem  the  orders.  Tho  incident  rather- 
amused  me,  and  as  it  was  a  sort  of  voluntary  starva- 
tion it  was  not  so  hard.  When  the  line  was  finished 
there  was  a  banquet  and  "telegraph  ball/'  in  which 


all  concerned  were  lionized.  It  would  have  struck  our 
hosts  as  queer  that  sacrifices  had  to  be  made  of  the 
kind  told  in  the  course  of  construction. 

Long  years  afterward  I  arranged  to  start  a  great 
private  sanitarium  in  an  eastern  State,  but  the  pro- 
ject was  postponed  from  time  to  time  till  abandoned. 
But  that  is  another  story. 


When  grasshoppers  brought  a  dollar  a  bushel  the 
States  of  Minnesota,  ISTebraska  and  Iowa  and  Terri- 
tories of  Dakota  and  Montana  must  have  tried  to  dis- 
pose of  their  surplus. 

ISTear  St.  Paul  a  preacher  chased  men  from  his 
farm  one  Sunday  for  trying  to  steal  his  grasshoppers, 
but  a  grafter  in  Massachusetts  made  a  higher  record 
for  astuteness  in  cultivating  the  gypsy  moth  that  the 
State  offered  big  pay  to  exterminate. 

Then  there  were  mosquitoes  that  swarmed  from 
sloughs  in  clouds  that  obscured  the  sun.  My  survey 
camp  was  on  one  of  these  breeders  of  mosquitoes  one 
hot  night,  and  the  pests  nearly  killed  us,  horses  and 
all.  The  poor  animals  frantically  stamped  out  the 
smudges  made  to  protect  them,  and  then  tangled  them- 
selves in  our  guy  tent  ropes  and  brought  the  tents 
down  on  us.  The  next  morning  we  were  a  sick 
crowd ;  haggard,  sleepy,  bloody,  hot ;  too  tired  to  cook 
anything,  and  our  horses  were  skin  and  bones  with 
streaks  of  blood  on  their  sides  where  they  had  rubbed 
against  each  other  to  get  rid  of  the  torment. 

A  township  had  to  be  surveyed  from  that  camp 
or  we  would  have  gone  the  next  day,  but  the  pests 
were  flown  and  troubled  us  only  that  horrible  night. 

86  Fuisr  la  a  doctok  s  life 

I  have  seon  clouds  of  grasshoppers  that  filled  the 
sky  like  a  thnnder  storm  cloud,  and  where  they  settled 
not  a  blade  of  grass  or  leaf  could  be  found  over  a 
great  belt  of  devastation. 

But  worst  of  all,  unless  we  except  snow  blizzards, 
was  the  plagued  Indians  with  their  restless  expeditions 
and  unexpected  massacres,  usually  after  some  govern- 
ment Indian  agent  had  swindled  the  tribe  out  of 
annuities  promised  by  the  United  States  for  vacating 
their  reservations. 

Near  the  James  or  Dakota  river,  at  the  line 
between  the  two  States,  which  I  was  running  at  that 
time,  long  before  it  became  a  State  line,  I  noticed  the 
soil  was  full  of  magnetic  iron,  so  much  so  that  where 
lightning  struck  it  had  vitrified  the  sand  into  tubes 
a  few  inches  up  to  several  feet  in  length,  making  what 
geologists  call  fulgarites  or  lightning  pipes,  straight 
downward  in  the  sandy  soil. 

We  had  heard  that  the  ''Cut  Head  Sioux"  had  left 
Devil's  Lake  on  a  raid,  but  we  had  to  camp  and  chance 
their  finding  us.  That  night  a  terrible  thunder  storm 
bombard(^d  us  for  hours,  and  we  thought  every  stroke 
of  lightning  had  hit  one  of  the  tents,  the  wet  iron  sand 
however  attracted  the  current  better  than  our  dry 
tents,  and  we  watched  the  noisy  hours  away  expect- 
ing ''every  minute  to  be  our  next." 

A  beautiful  morning  dawned,  and  a  yell  from 
the  cook  brought  us  out  to  inspect  what  he  was  exam- 
ining on  the  prairie.  It  was  what  was  called  a  travoix 
track,   a  wide  path  or  rc»ad,   made  by  th(^   dragging. 

I^VN   O:^   SURVEYS  87 

of  Indian  lodge  poles,  one  end  being  tied  over  their 
horses'  backs.  As  near  as  we  could  count  there  must 
have  been  five  hundred  Indians  of  the  fiercest  sort 
of  Sioux  passed  our  camp  in  that  blinding  storm ;  and 
had  the  moon  been  shining  the  white  tents  would  have 
been  seen  and  our  thirty  men  disposed  of,  though 
well  armed. 

Indians  riding  in  storms  cover  their  heads  with 
blankets,  and  that  also  helped  to  keep  us  from  being 

They  passed  south  and  murdered  several  ranch- 
men on  that  foray. 

The  l^orthern  Pacific  railroad  was  being  built 
then,  and  passing  through  Fort  Seward  previous  to 
this  above  incident,  the  news  of  the  bad  Indians  being 
loose  scared  my  outfit  so  much  that  most  of  the  men 
deserted  to  get  back  to  civilization.  I  applied  for 
soldiers  to  help  fill  the  deficit,  but  the  commanding 
officer  refused  as  his  garrison  was  slim,  but  he  sent  a 
squad  to  JimtoT\Ti,  which  was  then  a  mere  railroad 
■construction  hut  village,  and  gathered  up  all  the 
drunken  victims  of  robbing  saloon  keepers  and  shang- 
haied them  for  me,  putting  them  in  my  wagons  and 
guarding  me  out  of  town  toward  my  field  of  work. 

Gradually  the  old  bums  came  to  their  senses,  and 
to  a  man  were  grateful  for  my  taking  them  away,  as 
ihoj  would  rather  risk  the  Indians  as  more  merciful 
than  the  rumsellers.  I  sobered  them  up  on  some  of 
the  snake  juice  they  were  accustomed  to  use  in  Jim- 
town,  and  there  was  only  one  tough  ease  left  unrecov- 

88  i'UN  IN  A  DOCTOR^S  LlI'E 

ered.  His  system  was  shattered  by  his  drunk,  and 
when  the  Jimto^vn  rotgut  was  gone  he  fell  athwart 
a  couple  of  gallons  of  ^'Old  Crow,"  bought  for  $8  per 
gallon  in  St.  Paul,  and  when  that  was  gone  the 
Jamaica  ginger  followed,  and  I  told  him  that  alkali 
water  from  the  ponds  was  all  that  was  left  for  him 

He  braced  up  and  I  tried  to  make  a  flagman  of 
him,  but  discovered  he  was  too  near  sighted,  so  much 
against  his  wishes  I  set  him  at  cooking,  and  return- 
ing from  a  hard  day's  work  the  boys  were  whooping 
with  delight  over  the  best  camp  meal  any  of  us  had 
ever  seen.  The  scamp  was  a  famous  Red  River  of  the 
North  Steamboat  cook ! 

Paying  him  off  at  Fort  Abercrombie,  Minnesota, 
he  wont  on  a  protracted  drunk  and  was  drowned  in 
the  Red  river. 

During  the  first  part  of  the  seventies  I  had  large 
surveying  C(mtracts  for  government  work,  and  made 
as  much  as  tw(mty  thousand  dollars  in  one  season; 
but  the  new  surveyor  general  appeared  from  Wiscon- 
sin and  required  twenty  per  cent,  of  the  amounts 
apportioned  to  surveyors  and  in  my  case  tried  also 
to  get  the  remaining  eighty  per  cent.,  forging  my 
signature  in  one  instance  to  a  United  States  Treas- 
ury check  in  my  absence.  I  went  to  Washington  and 
arranged  for  a  better  class  of  work  from  the  Interior 
Department,  but  I  soon  found  that  senators  and  terri- 
torial d (^legates  wanted  about  thirty-five  thousand 
dollars  out  of  a  fifty  thousand  dollars  boundary  survey 

t'VN    OJT   SURVEYS  Sd 

Bouth.  of  Utah,  and  the  Secretary  of  the  Interior 
wanted  me  to  see  his  son,  as  I  thought  the  latter  might 
want  the  rest  so  I  quit  surveying  for  medicine^ 
thankful  that  politicians  could  not  bother  the  doctors. 

The  last  surveying  I  did  was  in  Delaware,  and  the 
thrifty  shark  who  employed  me,  I  ascertained,  did 
not  intend  to  pay  for  the  work.  I  had  had  enough  of 
courts  and  did  not  want  to  share  with  lawyers  what 
I  would  have  to  sue  for,  so  before  the  survey  was 
finished  I  stopped,  and  the  dead  beat  afterward  said 
that  the  other  party  to  the  land  purchase  got  ahead  of 
him  three  thousand  dollars  on  the  dispute  that  would 
have  been  settled  had  I  finished. 

This  descendant  of  oriental  pauper  degenerates 
brought  over  by  Penn  from  the  Palatinate  saved  $200 
by  cheating  me  and  lost  $3000  in  consequence. 


When  ^'Floating  Palaces,"  as  side-wheel  steamers 
were  called,  carried  most  of  the  travelers  before  rail- 
Ways  were  dreamed  of,  I  roam.ed  the  length  of  the 
Mississippi  and  Missouri  rivers  from  their  head- 
waters to  the  delta  in  Louisiana ;  the  falls  of  Minne- 
sota, and  Montana  to  Alton,  and  the  gulf  of  Mexico, 
-merely  because  mj  uncle  owned  the  boats  and  invited 
me  to  take  school  vacations  on  them. 

Mark  Twain  tells  of  these  times,  but  there  are  a 
few  yarns  he  did  not  get  hold  of.  One  was  apropos 
of  the  heaving  of  the  lead  as  soundings  were  called: 
The  indignant  mate  yelled  from  the  hurricane  roof 
to  heave  the  lead;  seeing  an  idling  deck  hand,  who 
was  a  new  one  to  navigation  terms,  he  swore  at  him 
and  asked  him  to  throw  the  lead  at  once.  The  roust- 
about saw  some  pigs  of  lead  forward,  and  just  as  the 
mate  came  to  the  lower  deck  to  bluster  some  more,  the 
green  hand  pitched  a  pig  of  leael  overboard,  the  mate 
trying  to  save  it  fell  in. 

Then  the  captain  from  the  roof  wanted  to  know  if 
the  lead  had  been  thrown  and  how  much  water  there 

The  ^^rooster"  said  that  it  had  been  thrown  and  the 
mate  had  geme  over  to  find  out  about  the  water. 

STEAMBOATl  A  G  9  i 

The  cry  of  "no  bottom"  meant  a  safe  depth  for 
navigating  the  light  draught  boats,  some  of  which  were 
said  to  be  able  to  travel  in  a  heavy  dew.  The 
fathoms  and  quarters  and  feet  were  marked  at  the 
right  parts,  and  one  Irishman  announced,  when  asked 
the  depth,  that  it  was  three  pieces  of  leather  and  a 
red  rag. 

"[N'ot  very  miich  water  here,"  sang  out  a  German 
'^rooster"   when  sounding  for  his  first  time.      Then 

"Plenty  good  water  here,"  for  several  heaves,  but 
striking  shallow  spots  again: 

"Better  look  out  up  dere,"  all  in  the  sing-song  style 
of  the  usual  sailor  at  such  duty.  Finally  with  a  bang 
the  boat  shivered  and  stopped  on  a  sand  bar,  to  the 
tune  of  the  sounder's : 

"Didden  I  told  you  so  ?" 

Innumerable  are  the  steamboat  yarns  of  the 
period,  great  were  the  fortunes  made  in  freight  and 
travel,  and  sad  were  the  disasters  of  sinking  and 

Stern  wheel  steamers  ventured  up  the  shallow 
rivers,  such  as  the  Yellowstone,  and  Indians  made 
the  trips  romantic.  Pilots  were  protected  from 
arrows  and  bullets  by  boiler  iron  shields,  and  passen- 
gers took  pot  shots  at  feathered  heads  on  the  shore 
and  had  fierce  fights  sometimes  to  keep  Indians  at  a 

When  Howgate's  fun  in  Washington  cost  the 
signal  service  the  station  at  Fort  Sully,  as  economy 
had  to  be  practised  by  some  one  to  pay  for  yachtS;- 

92  FUN   IN   A   DOCTOK^S   LIFE 

horse  races  and  so  on,  particularly  the  latter,  I  had 
to  seek  other  means  of  getting  funds  for  college,  so 
my  friend  the  commodore  gave  me  the  first  clerk's 
position  on  his  General  Meade  and  also  on  the  Silver 
Lake,  a  faster  boat  v^ith  better  time.  We  carried 
freight  for  troops  at  the  forts  on  the  upper  Missouri 
and  Yellowstone  rivers,  and  in  the  course  of  my  work 
I  noticed  the  other  boats  of  the  fleet  had  two  or  three 
times  the  fuel  expense  of  my  boats,  and  I  studied  out 
the  reason  in  the  clerk's  "knocking  down." 

Some  Indians  owned  wood  yards  and  their  primi- 
tive arithmetic  was  a  nuisance.  I  had  to  give  them 
dollar  bills  in  piles  to  correspond  with  the  number  of 
cords  bought.  Twenty  cords  at  four  dollars  meant 
twenty  piles  of  four  single  bills.  If  a  bill  fell  out 
the  entire  foolishness  had  to  be  repeated.  A  himdred 
is  a  big  ten,  and  when  they  deal  in  thousands  it  is  an 
inconceivable  sum  to  them. 

Cottonwood  is  quickly  burned  and  cheap;  harder 
wood,  like  oak,  hickory,  elm  or  maple,  though  often 
watery,  made  more  steam  and  was  cheaper  at  two 
times  the  price  of  the  soft  wood;  the  various  prices 
and  amounts  enabling  the  clerks  to  '^add  to  their 
salaries"  in  ways  hard  to  detect,  but  it  was  the  ac- 
cepted thing  on  the  river,  and  salaries  were  adjusted 
to  the  steals. 

I  examined  the  various  factors  and  studied  out 
co-efficients  that  related  the  miles  nm,  the  tonnage 
carried,  the  steam  pressure,  the  kinds  of  wood  bought 
and   the   prices   of  each   sort,    and   presented    Com- 


modore  John  H.  Charles  with  a  means  of  testing  the 
honesty  of  his  clerks  in  wood  buying,  with  a  glance 
at  their  accounts. 

A  clerk  on  another  of  his  boats  was  swearing 
about  it  one  day  in  my  presence,  hoping  he  could 

get    hold    of    the    who    put    the 

old  man  up  to  that  business.  ''Why,"  said  he,  "we 
can't  live  on  the  wages  we  get,  and  have  to  have  that 
rake  off  to  get  even." 

My  old  friend  Charles  wanted  me  to  take  the  cap- 
taincy of  one  of  his  boats  the  following  season,  but  my 
ambitions  were  wholly  in  medicine  and  so  I  parted 
with  one  of  the  best  friends  I  ever  had.  But  we  cor- 
responded till  he  died. 

Sometimes  engineers,  pilots  or  mates  wintered  at 
Indian  reservations,  joining  their  boats  the  next  sea- 
son. Once  a  party  of  passengers  were  interviewing 
Indians  on  the  river  bank,  and  a  lady  remarked  a 
pretty  papoose  on  its  mother's  back,  asking  if  it  was 
full  Indian.  The  mother  said  "No;  he  half  ingin, 
half  ingineer." 


That  was  not  his  name ;  his  real  one  was  a  yard 
long  and  used  up  the  vons  and  gutturals  till  you  gave 
up  trj'ing  to  remember  it  and  wrote  it  down  as  he 
slowly  confided  it  to  you  by  spelling  most  of  it,  and 
when  you  wanted  to  look  it  up  could  not  find  the 
memorandum.  It  was  the  name  on  the  muster  rolls 
that  he  adopted  when  he  enlisted. 

His  father  was  a  noted  physician  in  Bonn,  the 
university  town  of  Germany,  and  Baldwin  killed  a 
fellow  student  in  a  duel. 

^N'ow,  as  a  survival  from  the  barbarian  days  of 
that  country  such  an  event  merely  added  to  one's 
honor,  but  very  likely  Baldwin  had  evolved  beyond 
such  vanity,  and  not  knowing  much  about  American 
ideas  on  such  subjects  he  had  not  risen  to  the  posi- 
tion of  being  able  to  refuse  to  fight  a  duel  at  all,  and 
suffer  the  snubs  of  his  college  mates  in  consequence, 
as  did  my  friend  Otto  L.  Schmidt,  of  Chicago,  when 
taking  an  extra  degree  as  doctor  of  medicine  at  his 
father's  old  alma  matcr^  Wurtzburg. 

Schmidt  sent  word  to  his  challenger  that  if  the 
subject  was  mentioned    again  he  would  ^^punch  his 

BALDWi:^  95 

This  was  considered  satisfactory  as  an  Ameri- 
canism, and  tlie  matter  was  dropped. 

But  poor  Baldwin  fled  to  the  United  States  and 
enlisted  in  the  armj  some  years  after  the  Civil  War. 
He  was  sent  to  Fort  Sully,  Dakota,  where  I  met 
him  detailed  to  assist  the  weather  observer,  McCann, 
whom  I  relieved  at  request  of  the  chief  signal  officer 
because  the  post  commander,  a  martinet,  could  not 
get  along  with  the  sergeant  of  the  station,  who  was 
too  busy  with  scientific  duties  to  stand  at  atten- 
tion, perpetually  saluting  and  dressing  for  parade, 
as  did  the  other  enlisted  men  at  the  fort.  Imperium 
in  imperio  is  too  much  for  the  officer  who  thinks  he 
is  a  little  tin  god. 

''Tubby  Watson,"  as  the  professor  of  astronomy 
at  the  Michigan  University  was  called,  and  myself 
were  the  only  civilians  in  the  U.  S.  Sig-nal  Service 
at  that  time,  as  it  was  a  military  branch  of  the  War 

Baldwin's  superior  education  made  him  very  com- 
panionable and  I  was  the  only  one  who  met  him  on 
equal  terms,  the  regulations  not  permitting  officers 
to  hob-nob  with  privates,  and  it  provoked  me  to  see 
Baldwin  stand  silently  in  the  presence  of  shoulder- 
straps  inferior  to  him  intellectually,  waiting  permis- 
sion to  be  seated. 

My  work  consisted  in  telegraphing  to  Washington 
three  times  daily  the  barometer  and  thermometer 
readings,  also  minimum  and  maximum  temperatures, 
wind  direction,  kinds  and  directions  of  clouds,  hu- 

96  FUN  IN  A  doctor's  life 

midity,  wind  force,  etc.,  translated  into  cipher,  besides 
sundry  regular  reporting.  Baldwin  helped  me  mater- 
ially with  this  and  afforded  me  time  to  study  anatomy 
and  chemistry  under  the  post  surgeons. 

We  manufactured  many  of  the  articles  required 
in  experimental  inorganic  chemistry,  and  I  was  fort- 
unate enough  to  start  with  what  was  then  the  ''new 
chemical  notation,"  adherants  to  the  old  giving  way 
very  ungracefully. 

About  the  only  time  Baldwin  was  miffed  at  me 
was  when  I  asked  him  to  apply  a  lighted  wisp  of  paper 
to  a  large  crock  full  of  hydrogen  gas,  which  he  did 
absentmindedly,  and  was  nearly  blown  out  of  the 
door.  I  had  no  idea  that  he  would  take  me  at  my 
word,  but  his  soldierly  training  had  made  him  obey 
without   question. 

He  stayed  in  his  quarters  several  days  in  spite 
of  the  apology  I  sent  him,  but  later  he  had  the  satis- 
faction of  seeing  me  discomfited. 

Dr.  Bergen,  the  post  surgeon,  and  I  wanted  a 
complete  skeleton  to  compare  with  the  beautiful 
plates  in  Holden's  xinatomy,  and  he  inspired  a 
visit  to  an  Indian  place  of  sepulture  across  a 
ravine  and  on  a  high  bluff  a  couple  miles  from 
the  fort. 

Indians  are  very  touchy  about  their  burial  places, 
and  as  superstitious  as  are  other  untutored  folk.  To 
keep  the  wolves  away  the  gra~^^es  are  heavily  cohered 
with  stones,  or  the  bodies  are  placed  in  trees;  only 
upon  prairies  they  substitute  poles  to  lift  the  bodies 


from  the  ground.  The  sutlers  at  forts  gave  the 
Indians  long  shoe  boxes  for  burial  cases. 

Telling  no  one  of  our  ghoulish  plans,  Bergen  and 
I,  one  dark  night,  with  flour  sacks,  dark  lanterns  and 
revolvers,  slid  down  one  hill  and  climbed  the  other, 
plentifully  stuck  full  of  cactus  spines;  passing  a 
Sioux  village  of  wig-warns,  or  teepees  as  they  call 
them  in  that  region,  the  numerous  cur  dogs  greeting 
us  unpleasantly. 

Indians  ahvays  have  dogs  as  sentinels,  and  in  time 
of  famine  they  are  roasted  and  eaten,  as  one  dis- 
gusted old  trapper  remarked:  '^guts,  feathers  and 
all."  The  breed  is  always  mongrel,  with  jackal 
canis  aureus,  the  yaller  purp,  predominating. 

We  had  to  tumble  down  the  shoe  cases  and  cau- 
tiously insert  the  lantern,  only  opening  the  slide  when 
the  light  was  hidden  in  the  box. 

We  filled  our  flour  sacks  with  bones,  when  it 
struck  Bergen  that  he  had  not  seen  a  sacrum  in  the 
lot,  and  we  hunted  quite  a  while  before  finding  one. 

Young  and  strong  as  we  were,  we  were  fagged  on 
reaching  the  fort,  and  I  tumbled  the  collection  into 
barrels  of  permanganate  of  potash  solution,  the  old 
Condy's  disinfecting  fluid  before  antisepsis  days, 
gotten  ready  beforehand,  and  then  tumbled  myself 
into  bed  with  torn  clothes  and  shoes  bristling  with 
prickly  pear  stickers,  to  awaken  in  the  full  day- 
light with  Baldwin  and  the  hospital  steward  gazing 
and  grinning  at  me  and  asking  silly  questions. 

Later  in  the   day  the  hospital   steward,   one   of 

98  FUN  IN  A  doctoe's  life 

those  little  Yankees  with  a  squeaky  voice  that  jon 
read  about  but  rarely  meet,  came  to  my  station 
doubled  up  with  laughter,  asking  if  Dr.  Bergen  and 
I  had  been  poking  around  the  Indian  burying  ground 
last  night.  E'o  matter  if  bodies  are  hung  up  they  are 
presumed  to  be  buried  in  common  speaking. 

I  asked  him  if  he  thought  it  was  any  of  his 

"E'ot  a  bit/'  said  he,  in  his  high  squeak,  "but 
listen  to  the  racket  down  in  the  Indian  village,  they 
are  wearing  out  their  lungs  and  drums.  The  major 
sent  down  to  find  out  what  was  '^eatin'  em,''  and  they 
said  that  the  spirits  of  their  dead  friends  were  danc- 
ing on  the  hill  last  night  with  will-o-the-  wisp  lights, 
and  the  major  did  some  guessing  and  sent  for  Bergen, 
who  gave  the  secret  away." 

"Well,"  I  said,  "we  can  survive  the  commanding 
officer  knowing  we  are  studying  anatomy  at  this  post." 

"Thats  all  right,"  said  squeaky,  "but  there  is  more 
to  tell.     That  was  a  special  grave  yard." 

"What  sort,  kings  and  queens,  chiefs  and  chief - 
esses  ?" 

"Worse  than  that:  small  pox!" 

Before  Bergen  came  over  from  officers'  quarters 
to  my  station  I  telegraphed  for  vaccine  lymph,  and  we 
speculated  on  the  possibility  of  the  contamination 
surviving  the  few  years  sepulture. 

But  we  had  nearly  a  month  to  wait,  for  the  stage 
to  Sioux  City  was  the  only  winter  connection  with 
civilization  and  it  was  called  a  tri-weekly  route,  as 


it  went  down  one  week  and  tried  to  get  back  the  next, 
but  never  did. 

Occasionally  during  the  following  hot  summer 
Baldwin  and  I  exchanged  guesses  as  to  the  where- 
abouts of  some  rat  that  must  have  gotten  into  the 
log  structure  somewhere  and  perished.  Following 
our  noses  as  the  aroma  intensified,  the  whiskey 
barrels  in  the  cellar  once  full  of  macerating  fluid, 
by  evaporation  had  resurrected  Mr.  Injuns  dis- 

It  was  about  time  to  bleach  them  anyway,  so  up 
to  the  mud  roof  of  the  cabin  station  they  went  and 
were  spread  out  under  the  big  anemoscope,,  the 
whirling  anemometer  and  other  tools  of  the  weather 

A  few  days  later  a  fifty-mile  hurricane  ripped 
through  the  reservation  and  cleaned  off  my  roof, 
Injuns,  instruments  and  all. 

^ext  day  Baldwin  appeared  from  his  dinner  in 
the  barracks  backing  against  a  high  wind  left  over 
from  the  previous  ripper,  pulling  a  wheelbarrow  full 
of  the  same  old  bones,  which  had  been  cavorting  all 
over  the  soldiers'  parade  ground. 

The  next  complication  was  a  petition  from  the 
soldiers  asking  the  post  commander  to  forbid  inter- 
ference with  the  consecrated  burial  ground  at  the 
fort,  and  to  put  the  soldiers  right  the  major  posted  up 
an  order  that  civilians  studying  medicine  at  the  fort 
should  not  molest  the  Indian  graves.  That  appeased 
the  boys  by  showing  them  they  had  guessed  wrong 


100  FUN    IN    A    doctor's    LIFE 

about  the  origin  of  the  skulls  and  cross  bones  they 
saw  in  the  air  that  breezy  day. 

Baldwin  was  hunted  up  by  a  German  consul  and 
his  discharge  from  the  army  secured  to  enable  him  to 
get  a  large  sum  of  money  his  father  had  left  him. 
Then  came  a  splurge  strung  across  the  continent. 
Wein,  Weib  und  Gesang,  till  he  turns  up  in  Mexico, 
very  much  busted. 

Twenty  years  after  he  left  Fort  Sully  his  emac- 
iated, ragged  semblance  walked  into  my  office  in 
Chicago;  but  I  knew  him  instantly,  and  came  near 
crying  over  his  pitiful  state. 

He  started  to  tell  me  of  his  wanderings,  but  I 
rushed  him  out  to  get  something  to  eat,  as  he  said  he 
had  had  nothing  for  three  days,  but  that  he  was  in  no 
hurry  as  he  was  used  to  being  hungry. 

At  a  place  on  Randolph  street  was  a  sign :  ^'Regu- 
lar  dinner,  10  cents;  Regular  Gorge,  15  cents." 

He  probably  took  both  with  a  five  cent  shave,  for 
he  looked  somewhat  better  on  his  return. 

He  had  tramped  and  stolen  freight  train  rides 
all  the  way  from  Mexico,  being  hunted  thence  for  kill- 
ing an  Indian  who  was  persecuting  him,  and  in  Chi- 
cago he  despairingly  turned  over  the  leaves  of  a 
city  directory  in  the  forlorn  hope  of  finding  a  name 
he  knew,  when  to  his  great  joy  as  he  said:  ^'There 
was  your  name  in  big,  fat  letters !" 

Those  same  big,  fat  letters  had  cost  me  man}' 
an  alms  before,  a  penalty  for  being  prominent  in 
any  way.     Announcements  in  the  newspapers  of  any 

fiALDWm  101 

lecture    I    had    delivered    always    brought    begging 
cranks  to  me. 

But  I  was  glad  to  see  Baldwin  again  under  any 
circumstances;  took  him  to  my  suburban  home  in 
Riverside,  where  I  had  a  small  sanitarium,  had  him 
take  a  much  needed  bath,  clad  him  in  some  of  my 
garments,  and  brought  him  to  the  table,  having  spoken 
of  him  as  a  splendid  young  man  I  knew.  The  flight 
of  time  had  aged  him  with  hardships,  and  I  was 
laughed  at  by  one  of  the  nurses,  who  always  saw  the 
comic  side  of  things,  for  speaking  of  the  poor,  little, 
weazened  Baldwin  as  "a  young  man." 

When  we  have  not  seen  a  friend  for  many  years 
and  remember  him  as  young  and  full  of  vigor,  it  is 
diflScult  to  accept  eye-sight  evidence  of  the  lapse  of 
years  in  his  case,  though  the  people  about  us  grow  so 
gradually  old  we  see  nothing  strange  in  their  cases. 

Then  cropped  up  the  restlessness  that  caused  me  to 
record  him  on  page  890  of  my  Medical  Jurisprudence 
of  Insanity  as  an  instance  of  what  Germans  call 
Errabunden  Wahnsinn,  or  wandering  insanity.  He 
refused  to  accept  more  favors  or  to  stay  longer,  though 
I  could  have  found  him  employment. 

I  wish  now  that  instead  of  giving  him  his  fare 
to  Wisconsin,  where  he  said  he  had  a  relative,  I  had 
sent  him  to  Dwight  to  be  treated  for  the  liquor  habit, 
which  I  concluded  was  at  the  bottom  of  his  vaga- 

And  I  fear  that  in  some  Chicago  den  he  was  robbed 
-of  his  money  and  died  rather  than  seek  me  again. 


Until  about  twenty  years  after  the  great  fire  Chica- 
go had  a  king,  a  political  boss,  who  appointed  every 
office-holder,  who  regulated  the  police  force,  dic- 
tated to  the  mayor,  sold  the  streets  to  railway  com- 
panies, collected  and  disbursed  the  taxes  and  other 

'No  one  was  employed  for  city  work  of  any  kind 
without  Mike^s  assent,  and  if  he  kicked  an  employe 
out  of  his  job  it  was  final  and  no  intercession  would 
replace  him. 

It  was  ^'Humpty  Dumpty"  off  the  wall. 

A  couple  of  years  I  had  been  going  to  the  county 
insane  asylum  at  my  own  expense,  studying  the 
patients,  classifying  them,  and  occasionally  bringing 
brains  in  a  tin  bucket  to  my  house ;  the  results  of  such 
labors  being  contributions  to  the  Journal  of  ^N'ervous 
and  Mental  Diseases  and  other  medical  and  scien- 
tific publications.  The  American  JSTaturalist  also 
printed  my  articles  on  anatomical  subjects. 

Then  the  superintendent  of  the  asylum  asked  me 
if  I  would  not  like  to  be  regularly  appointed  to  do 
that  sort  of  research  work,  and  conceiving  nothing 
more  desirable  I  readily  went  with  him  to  ''Mike'^ 

KINQ  MIKE  103 

to  pass  muster  and  get  his  permission.  To  my 
astonishment  he  took  me  into  a  drinking  saloon 
on  Clark  street,  near  the  court  house,  and  introduced 
me  to  a  slim,  ordinary  sort  of  chap  who  was  lean- 
ing on  the  customers'  side  of  his  long  counter. 

Mike  did  not  even  glance  at  me,  but  spoke  to 
Spray  iti  a  low  voit?e,  who  finally  said:  ^'This  is 
the  doctor  I  told  you  about  who  has  been  doing 
pathological  work  at  the  asylum  for  a  year  or  so." 

With  a  sudden  spring  and  turn  toward  me  from 
his  previous  leaning  position  over  his  counter,  Mike 
glared  at  me  and  put  out  one  finger  for  me  to  shake. 

I  was  too  glad  to  get  the  place  to  resent  the  inso- 
lence, though  it  galled  me  a  little,  and  as  I  neither 
blanched,  flushed,  nor  looked  scared,  but  only  grinned 
at  his  inspection,  I  suppose  my  appearance  was  satis- 
factory, so  I  became  a  satellite  of  the  great  Mike 
and  was  permitted  to  see  part  of  the  second  story 
with  its  elaborate  gambling  appurtenances,  roulette 
wheels,  faro  lay-outs,  and  the  Lord  knows  what  else, 
to  enable  the  victim  to  be  skinned  out  of  what  he  had 
left  from  guzzling  poisons  down  stairs. 

The  third  story  I  heard  stories  about  years  later, 
iDut  never  knew  if  they  were  true  or  not. 

xVnyway,  it  was  a  tough  joint,  and  I  felt  disillu- 
sioned as  to  merit  and  study  alone  sufficing  to  boost 
one  in  an  honorable  and  humane  profession  and  scien- 
tific career.  If  I  did  not  blush  when  Mike  was  "siz- 
ing me  up,"  I  certainly  did  when  waking  out  of  a 
sound  sleep  I  realized  the  kind  of  appendage  I  was  to 

104  FUN  m  A  DOCTOR^S  lif£ 

be  to  the  slums  and  bums  of  Chicago,  for  the  privilege 
of  trying  to  help  my  ailing  fellow  men. 

But  a  touch  of  that  dirty  old  consolation,  that 
the  end  justified  the  means,  braced  me  to  my  work, 
and  I  soon  had  things  swimming. 

There  were  no  records  of  cases  previously,  so  1 
secured  great  blank  books  and  wrote  up  the  histories 
of  the  patients  as  told  by  their  relatives  and  friends, 
and  from  what  little  there  was  in  the  commitment 
papers,  for  the  insane  were  tried  as  criminals  and 
brought  by  the  sheriff  or  his  deputies  to  the  asylum. 

The  vast  material  for  original  study  gave  me 
delight  and  enthusiasm,  and  every  minute  I  eagerly 
hunted  every  clue  bearing  upon  a  better  understand- 
ing of  each  patient  and  the  whole  subject  of  brain 
disturbances.  Medical  periodicals  of  that  time  attest 
the  industry  of  my  efforts. 

That  a  student  of  a  '^i  bject,  scientific  or  medical, 
could  possibly  wish  for  no  more  than  a  bare  living 
so  he  could  devote  all  his  time  to  his  favorite  research 
is  inconceivable  to  money  grabbers.  Yet,  what  a 
groveling,  swinish  old  world  this  would  be  if  such 
"fools,"  as  investigators  are  called,  had  not  made  sac- 
rifices to  obtain  knowledge  for  those  not  yet  born,  and 
whom  they  will  never  know. 

Soon  after  taking  charge  as  pathologist  of  the 
asylum  I  observed  a  well  constructed  and  kept  kennel 
of  thoroughbred  hounds,  setters,  pointers,  retrievers, 
etc.,  near  the  asylum  kitchen,  and  on  inquiry  was 
told  that   an   attendant,   on  the  pay  rolls   as  such^ 

itlNG  MIKE  i6§ 

was  known  as  Mike's  dog  man,  in  charge  of  the  fine 
kennel   and   its   contents. 

The  chronically  hopeless  insane  patients  num- 
bered half  of  the  entire  600  in  the  asylum,  were 
called  terminal  dements  and  were  gathered  and 
more  or  less  neglected,  upon  special  wards,  some- 
times called  the  D.  W.  for  dement  or  dirty  wards. 

From  time  to  time  I  examined  the  food  and 
inilk  in  the  different  divisions  of  the  institution, 
though  my  duties  were  supposed  to  be  in  writing 
up  the  histories  of  the  patients  and  holding  post- 
mortems. Had  the  politicians  known  of  my  curi- 
osity being  exercised  in  behalf  of  good  food  for  the 
patients  the  gang  would  have  made  short  work  of 

I  found  that  the  milk  given  to  the  hopeless  patients 
was  always  sour  and  otherwise  unwholesome,  caus- 
ing fatal  epidemics  among  them. 

A  young  medical  friend  of  mine  at  a  neighbor- 
ing institution  suggested  to  me  to  also  try  the  kind 
of  milk  given  to  Mike's  dogs  by  the  official  dog  man. 

I  did  so,  and  saw  the  richest  cream  skimmed  from 
the  kitchen  ice-house  cans  of  milk  and  taken  direct 
to  the  kennels  for  the  pups  there. 

Piles  of  hogs'  snouts  Were  dumped  from  butcher 
wagons  for  soup  making,  and  a  curious  visitor  watch- 
ing a  strait-jacket  patient  trying  to  eat  his  soup 
with  hands  bound  behind  his  back,  passed  a  spoon 
handle  through  an  iron  ring  in  the  nose  of  one  of 
the  heads  in  the  plate,  lifted  it  and  called  the  atten- 

i06  FUN   IN  A  DOCTOP/S   LlF^ 

tion  of  one  of  the  county  commissioners  to  it; 
This  official  kept  a  ^'dead-fall"  saloon  under  the 
iBrevoort  House  in  Chicago,  accounting  for  his  being 
able  to  extract  fun  from  the  incident.  He  ex- 
claimed: ^^Vell,  vot  do  you  oxpect,  Gold  Vatches?" 

The  asylum  engineer  told  me  of  another  humor- 
ous happening: 

A  policeman  had  been  shot  in  the  neck  by  a  burg- 
lar on  the  Halsted  street  bridge  and  rendered  in- 
sane. The  case  was  widely  known  as  Kelly's  wound 
of  the  cervical  sympathetic  nerves,  causing  mania. 

The  burglar  served  six  years  in  the  penitentiary 
and  was  then  appointed  by  Mike  as  an  attendant  at 
the  asylum,  and  what  tickled  the  engineer  most  of 
all  as  he  related  the  story,  was  that  this  ex-convict 
was  assigned  to  the  very  ward  where  Kelly  was  con- 
fined, and  thus  was  placed  in  charge  of  his  victim. 

During  a  general  election  once  in  Chicago,  I 
saw  citizens  meekly  passing  into  an  alley  back  of 
Mike's  saloon,  handing  ballots  high  over  their  heads 
to  a  hand  in  a  little  window  cut  out  of  boards  in  a 
voting  shed  at  Mike's  back  door,  the  owner  of  the  hand 
being  invisible. 

Finally  Van  Pelt  contended  with  Mike  for  boss^ 
ing  honors  of  the  county  and  Mayor  Harrison  found 
it  convenient  also  to  help  doWn  the  old  dictator. 
Mike  lost  control  of  county  affairs.  Van  Pelt  was  sent 
up  as  a  boodler,  and  Harrison  was  shot  by  a  lunatic. 

As  Van  Pelt  passed  into  the  prison  at  Joliet  he 
looked  up  at  the  trees  with  their  spring-time  buds 



find  remarked:  "The  leaves  are  coming  out.  I  wish 
I  was  a  leaf." 

But  Mike  still  controlled  the  city  council^  and  the 
newspapers  of  the  time  were  in  high  spirits  over 
quite  a  joke  Hike  played  on  the  aldeimen.  To  secure 
the  franchise  for  a  long  elevated  railway  route  it  was 
necessary  to  have  an  ordinance  passed  by  the  council. 
There  were  about  forty  of  them,  and  the  story  goes 
that  Mike  in  their  presence  placed  a  thousand  dollar 
bill  in  each  of  forty  envelopes,  wrote  their  names  on 
the  outsides  and  handed  them  to  a  bar-keeper,  each 
side  trusted,  in  escrow;  with  the  understanding  that 
each  councilman  was  to  have  his  envelope  after  the 
ordinance  was  irrevocably  passed  in  Mike's  favor. 

Hastening  to  the  saloon  the  envelopes  were  passed 
over,  greedily  torn  open,  and  found  to  contain  the 
large  sum  of  one  dollar  in  each. 

The  flim-flam  enraged  them  all,  and  most  of  them 
took  their  medicine  silently ;  but  a  few  of  them  were 
too  indignant  not  to  seek  redress,  and  like  the  gold- 
brick  or  green-goods  victims  they  rushed  squealing  to 
the  "authorities"  and  into  print  for  sympathy,  to 
learn  that :  "Laugh,  and  the  world  laughs  with  you ; 
weep,  and  you  get  the  laugh,  anyway." 

Mike's  loyal  lieutenant,  "Chesterfield"  Joe 
Mackin,  or  "Gentleman  Joe,"  as  he  was  called,  was 
allowed  to  serve  a  prison  term  for  an  election  con- 
spiracy, and  these  two  events  put  Mike  entirely  out 
of  politics. 

Then  he  blossomed  out  as  a  "respectable  million^' 

108                           rUN   IN   A   bOCTOR^S   LlF^  \ 

aire,"  just  as  deserving,  every  whit,  of  the  title,  as  < 

many  another  whose  crimes  were  not  so  well  known.  | 

A   variegated   marital   experience   followed;   his  ! 

last  wife  being  in  jail  accused  of  killing  her  lover.  | 

She   was   acquitted   through   means   Mike   had   pro-  j 
vided  for  her  doing  so,  but  only  after  Mike  had  died 
of  a  broken  heart,  it  is  said,  at  a  ripe  old  age. 


Scientific  interest  in  the  insane  and  in  all  ihe 
medical  studies  relating  to  them  secures  for  these 
sufferers  humane  treatment  that  is  effective  far  be- 
yond the  comprehension  of  the  indifferent  or  emo- 
tional. The  wise,  learned  and  kind  superintendent 
will  discourage  buffoonery  exhibitions  of  his  patients, 
try  to  suppress  their  delusions,  substitute  decent  ap- 
parel for  the  gilt  crowns,  tassels,  tinsels  and  frippery 
many  of  these  unfortunates  assume,  particularly 
through  politicians  controlling  asylums  and  carry- 
ing their  bar-room  ideas  of  fun  into  places  that  should 
be  hospitals  for  the  study  and  cure  of  disease,  for  in- 
sanity is  merely  symptomatic  of  disease  of  some  part 
of  the  body,  or  many  parts,  sometimes  all  the  parts. 

But  physicians  and  nurses  may  have  the  best  of 
intentions,  their  risibles  are  incidentally  and  con- 
stantly appealed  to  by  the  sayings  and  antics  of  those 
about  them. 

At  the  county  insane  asylum  my  office  was  at  the 
south  end  of  the  old  main  building,  overlooking  a 
lav^m  upon  which  some  of  the  male  patients  enjoyed 
outings  when  the  weather  permitted.     A  long  stay 

110  FUN   IN   A   DOCTOR^'S   LIFE 

out  of  doors  benefitting  them  and  often  enabling  calm 
sleep  at  nights  where  the  close  rooms  would  other- 
wise have  made  restlessness. 

The  convalescent  and  quiet  ward  next  to  my  lab- 
oratory held  some  peculiar  cases,  and  one  patient 
had  his  cell  window  adjoining  the  room  in  which 
I  wrote.  Sometimes  a  caller  would  ask  me  if  the 
incessant  whistling  from  that  window  did  not  annoy 
me.  A  maniac  spent  all  his  excitement  in  whistling 
a  monotonous  air  the  livelong  day,  except  at  meal 
times,  but  I  did  not  hear  it  till  some  one  else  spoke 
of  it,  and  then  I  realized  how  annoying  it  must  be 
to  others,  and  until  I  forgot  it  again  it  was  a  nuis- 
ance to  me  also.  It  was  the  same  old  jig-  hour  after 
hour,  but  like  the  old  lady  who  had  buried  her  tenth 
husband,  we  were  used  to  it.  Customary  noises  we 
cease  to  hear,  as  the  man  does  who  sleeps  where 
machines  clatter. 

But  while  patients  have  raved  loudly  on  both 
^ides  of  where  I  slept,  in  the  center  of  the  long  build- 
t'^mg,  without  awakening  me  or  any  of  my  family, 
whenever  the  night  watch  tapped  on  my  door  with 
a  pencil  it  made  me  bound  out  of  bed.  Just  as  the 
telegraphers'  "call"  is  heard  by  the  operator  who 
hears  nothing  else  in  his  sleep. 

One  chronic  maniac  used  to  yell  repeatedly,  "I 
am  as  crazy  as  a  bed  bug,"  and  the  hearers  would 
regard  it  as  an  instance  of  recognition  of  his  insan- 
ity by  an  insane  person;  but  it  was  not,  for  it  was 
his  joke. 

CEAZY    FOLKS  111 

An  agile  boy  maniac  used  to  annoy  the  lawn 
patients  by  trickery,  such  as  a  mischievous  youngster 
could  invent,  and,  by  the  way,  that  reminds  me  of  a 
too  active  and  playful  little  monkey  at  Lincoln 
park  in  Chicago,  a  capuchin,  I  think,  in  the  same 
large  out-door  cage  with  a  lot  of  large  baboons,  the 
dog  face  fellows.  This  monkey  annoyed  the  baboons 
constantly,  dodging  the  grabs  and  kicks  aimed  at  him 
as  the  boy  maniac  did  at  the  asylum.  Finally  an 
old  baboon  caught  the  little  devil,  put  him  over  his 
knee  and  spanked  him  while  the  offender  shrieked 
and  later  sat  around  pouting  and  whining.  Penitent 
for  the  time  being. 

This  juvenile  at  the  asylum  recited  long  poems 
learned  at  school,  and  with  another  older  maniac  used 
to  stick  legs  out  of  the  barred  windows,  loudly  sing- 
ing German  songs,  like  ^'Die  Wacht  am  Khoin"  and 

A  visitor  once  looked  up  at  them  and  remarked: 
^'Dem  fellers  ish  not  grazy  ven  dey  recolmember  all 
dem  worts  so  veil,"  a  specimen  of  the  average  out- 
sider's knowledge  of  insanity.  When  that  boy  recov- 
ered he  resumed  his  previous  quiet,  rather  stupid 
demeanor,  and  could  not  recite  the  things  he  did  when 

A  former  Hudson  river  steamboat  captain  roomed 
next  my  office  and  used  to  drop  in  to  see  me  when 
out  on  parole.  He,  too,  appeared  to  be  aware  at 
times  of  his  condition,  for  on  one  such  occasion  he 
said  to  me,  ^'I  don't  see  what  I  ever  did  to  be  put 


in  this  place ;  I  was  always  a  good  citizen  and  family 
man,  and  never  harmed  anyone."  And  then,  as  the 
injustice  of  his  punishment  struck  him  more  forci- 
bly, he  exclaimed:  '^Yes,  and  by  God,  I  used  to  be 
an  exhorter,"  referring  to  his  leadership  in  Metho- 
dist meetings. 

Once  he  fancied  he  was  dead,  and  annoyed  others 
by  vociferating  the  claim,  till  Maitland,  the  asylum 
storekeeper,  who  had  a  room  on  that  ^'quiet  ward," 
expostulated  with  him  with  the  information  that  dead 
men  did  not  talk;  the  customary  illogical  response 
of  the  insane  was  resorted  to  in  inviting  the  store- 
keeper to  go  to  hell. 

Another  time  the  old  chap  pranced  up  and  down 
the  corridor  wanting  this  boat  to  land  at  a  wood  yard. 
Maitland  tried  again  to  reason  with  him  by  telling 
him  this  place  was  not  a  boat,  that  it  was  the  asylum. 
^^Look  around,  now,  can't  you  see  this  does  not  look 
like  a  boat  ?" 

But  it  did,  for  the  patient  pointed  out  the  cabins 
along  the  saloon  length,  the  cells  on  each  side  the 
corridor  of  the  w^ard,  and  just  then  the  asylum  whistle 
blew  for  lights  out. 

''There,"  said  the  lunatic,  ''that  whistle  is  for  the 
landing,  you  go  and  see  that  we  woodup,"  which  Mait- 
land promised  to  do,  and  quiet  was  restored. 

Patients  who  wrote  legibly  were  at  times  employed 
on  the  accounts  and  records.  I  had  two  young  men 
in  my  office  for  awhile,  one  with  monomania,  as  para- 
noia used  to  be  improperly  called,  the  other  was  a 

CEAZY    FOLKS  113 

suicidal  melancholiac  who  had  been  pulled  out  of 
the  lake  into  which  he  had  jumped. 

The  lake  was  a  favorite  suicide  resort,  but  so 
shallow  in  places  as  to  afford  deep  water  only  far 
from  shore.  An  Irish  policeman  once  saw  a  despond- 
ent Polander  wading  out  to  sink  in  deep  water,  and 
hailed  him  with  the  threat  that :  ^'If  you  don't  come 
out  of  that  I'll  shoot  you  and  run  you  in!"  where- 
upon the  suicidally  inclined  turned  about  and  waded 
to  shore  obediently. 

The  monomaniac  had  been  racing  from  England 
to  America  and  to  the  African  Cape  trying  to  get 
away  from  enemies  who  published  sermons  and  edi- 
torials about  him.  He  had  knocked  a  policeman  off 
a  street  car  for  watching  him,  and  was  brought  to  us. 
I  tried  what  education  would  do  for  him  and  it  did 
much,  for  we  sent  him  to  Scotland,  where  he  lived 
and  wrote  to  me  that  he  was  free  from  his  former 

But  while  writing  up  my  records,  he  at  one 
end  of  a  long  table  and  the  suicide  at  another,  caused 
me  to  keep  watch  that  neither  got  hold  of  any  sharp 
instruments.  The  Scotchman  once  thought  I  had 
joined  his  enemies  and  told  me  he  would  not  have 
believed  it  before.  The  way  of  it  was  this :  Scotchy 
was  very  debilitated,  and  instead  of  giving  him  the 
worthless  medicine  at  the  asylum  that  the  politicians 
sent  us  for  genuine,  I  bought  an  elixir  of  quinine, 
strychinine  and  iron  in  the  city  and  without  remov- 
ing the  wrapper  instructed   Scotty  how  to  take   it. 


A  week  or  so  later  he  came  to  me  with  the  question: 
"Doctor,  I  don't  know  what's  come  over  me,  for  at 
times  I  can't  get  my  jaws  apart  and  my  muscles 
draw  tightly  ?" 

I  took  a  look  at  him  as  he  grimaced  in  an  effort 
to  unlock  his  jaws,  and  told  him  to  fetch  me  that 
medicine  hottle  I  had  given  him.  He  did  so,  and 
tearing  off  the  cover  I  saw  that  the  strychnia  and 
quinine  had  precipitated  and  the  poisonous  dose  was 
being  reached  as  he  got  further  down  in  the  bottle. 
The  drug  clerk  had  been  careless  and  had  also  done 
wrong  in  making  up  himself  what  I  had  ordered  to 
be  put  up  from  Wyeth's  preparation.  Unwisely 
explaining  the  mistake  to  Scotty,  he  had  his  misgiv- 
ings as  to  my  being  in  league  with  his  persecutors 
for  some  time. 

In  the  usual  general  assortment  of  queerness  there 
was  a  "Mrs.  Lincoln,"  not  the  real  person,  but  one 
who  claimed  to  be,  and  consistently  said  her  maiden 
name  was  Todd.  A  tall  angular  motherly  soul,  in- 
dustriously sewing  till  visitors  annoyed  her  with  ques- 
tions, when  she  would  turn  on  them  with  filth,  blas- 
phemy and  ribaldry  one  would  never  expect  from  such 
a  respectable,  pious  matron.  She  was  one  of  the  great 
fire  victims.  Many  were  berefit  of  senses  by  that 
Chicago  calamity  and  our  county  asylum  had  num- 
bers of  them  at  that  time.  One  pretty  woman  used  to 
yell  from  her  window  prayers  to  be  saved  from  the 
fire,  saying  that  the  roof  was  falling  in.  The  autopsy 
showed  that  the  forehead  part  of  her  brain  had  shrunk 

CEAZY    FOLKS  115 

greatly  and  hardened,  though  she  referred  her  numb- 
ness to  the  back  part  of  her  head,  saying  that  was 
the  part  that  was  gone. 

A  sweet,  little  industrious  woman  with  masked 
epilepsy  convinced  all  visitors  that  she  had  no  busi- 
ness there  as  she  was  perfectly  sane.  The  first  intima- 
tion her  husband  had  otherwise  was  awakening  by 
being  hammered  in  the  face  by  her  slipper.  She  was 
a  tigress  in  her  periodical  attacks,  but  pitifully  sub- 
dued at  all  other  times. 

A  negress  of  that  kind  of  insanity  managed  to  hide 
a  hatchet  she  brought  from  the  laundry,  where  she 
worked  in  the  asylum,  and  with  the  announcement  that 
there  was  goin'  to  be  some  fust  class  funerals,  she  did 
what  she  could  to  carry  out  her  prediction ;  chopping 
through  her  cell  door  till  a  brave  doctor  and  the 
engineer  rushed  in  and  stopped  her.  The  engineer 
slowly  and  cautiously  inserted  the  key,  turned  it  and 
threw  the  door  open  and  Dr.  Thuembler  grabbed 
her  arm  and  hatchet. 

But  those  little  incidents  kept  things  from  be- 
coming monotonous. 

A  giant  negro  with  paretic  dementia  saw  God 
riding  in  a  chariot  outside  his  window,  telling  him 
to  break  out  of  that  place.  He  tore  his  iron  bed 
apart,  beat  the  door  down  with  it,  destroyed  every- 
thing in  the  corridor,  struggled  with  five  or  six  strong 
attendants  half  an  hour,  and  his  part  of  the  institu- 
tion looked  as  though  a  hurricane  had  swept  it. 

iiTotwithstanding  all  these  incidents  asylum  folks 

116  Fujs"  IN  A  doctor's  life 

take  chances  like  the  stokers  of  rotten  boilers  and 
engines  liable  to  blow  up  any  instant. 

An  insane  barber  probably  would  not  be  popular 
in  a  town,  but  our  best  one  at  the  asylum  had  his  shop 
in  the  basement  and  usually  gave  us  warning  when 
he  "didn't  feel  very  well  today,"  and  he  was  urged 
to  do  business  at  such  times.  He  would  go  to  his 
cell  to  have  his  furious  outbreak  and  shave  the  officials 
the  rest  of  the  time. 

Which  reminds  me  of  having  seen  a  drunken 
barber  shaving  a  drunken  customer  on  a  steamboat 
in  Montana;  blood  was  flowing  free  but  unnoticed, 
while  the  barber  remarked :  "Howld  an  Buck,  an'  I'll 
shave  ye  yet,  if  the  handle  don't  break." 

Leading  recollection  to  another  scene  where  a 
barber  went  out  and  brought  in  a  soap  box,  placed  it 
near  the  chair  his  customer  was  on,  and  stood  on  it, 
explaining  that  the  snakes  were  so  thick  on  the  floor 
he  merely  wanted  to  get  up  out  of  their  way. 

While  on  barber  tales  we  might  as  well  hear  of  a 
couple  more: 

In  a  comic  German  paper  a  boy  is  pictured  in  a 
Berlin  shop  lathering  and  slashing  a  man  seated  in 
one  of  the  uncomfortable  ordinary  chairs  that  con- 
servative city  retains  in  barber  shops. 

The  man  says  :"See  here,  boy,  that's  the  third  time 
you  have  cut  me,  I  should  think  you  would  lose  all 
your  customers." 

"Oh  no !"  I  only  shave  the  strangers,  I  never  shave 
the  customers." 

"C^AZY    FOLKS  117 

lilustrative  of  the  difficulties  of  Pennsylvania 
Dutch,  it  is  told  of  a  barber  and  a  customer  in  Read- 
ing that  the  latter  was  nervous  and  got  up  from  his 
chair,  walked  around  the  shop  awhile,  and  then  went 
out,  his  seat  being  taken  by  another.  Returning,  he 
looked  at  the  newcomer,  then  walked  to  the  barber 
and  asked :  ^^If  a  man  goes,  und  he  <3omes,  has 
he  vent  ?"  To  which  the  barber  returned,  after 
a  solemn  taking  in  of  the  situation:  "He  vos,  but 
he  aint!" 

Getting  back  to  the  asylum,  there  were  frequent 
comical  conversations  only  more  intelligible. 

A  female  habitually  commanded  men  visitors  to 
take  off  their  hats  and  receive  the  blessings  of  ^^ Jesus, 
ilary  and  Joseph,  three  in  one !" 

My  oldest  boy  carried  the  medicine  tray  from  the 
drug  store  to  the  wards,  when  he  was  greeted  with  the 
familiar  command,  but  a  voluble  old  companion  of 
hers,  equally  insane,  interposed  with  :  "He  needn't 
take  off  his  straw  hat,  the  blesin'  can  go  through  the 
hole  in  it." 

That  poor  old  girl  accused  an  imaginary  absent 
person  with  always  throwing  sand  in  her  eyes,  a 
delusion  based  on  painful  optic  nerves. 

One  important  woman  refused  to  speak  to  any  one 
pleasantly,  as  she  claimed  that  her  husband  was  a 
police  sergeant  and  her  social  position  was  too  super- 
ior to  have  her  recognize  common  people. 

A  female  with  a  form  of  insanity  called  katatonia 
spent  her  excitement  surplus  of  energy  in  somersault- 


ing  along  the  ward  corridor.  A  political  silperm- 
tendent  called  my  attention  to  this  case  as  peculiar, 
and  I  soon  recognized  the  alternations  described  by 
Kahlbaiim,  an  alienist  in  Germany.  The  form  of  in- 
sanity had  been  bnt  recently  discovered  by  him,  and 
as  it  was  the  first  I  had  made  out  or  heard  about 
being  recognized  in  America,  I  was  naturally  enthus- 
iastic and  felt  pleased  in  telling  the  superintendent 
about  my  discovery. 

It  was  the  beginning  of  other  revelations  to  me  of 
the  contemptible  natures  of  medical  politicians,  for  he 
angrily  retorted:  "The  damn  Dutch  are  always  mak-' 
ing  fool  discoveries.  Nobody  ever  heard  of  katatonia^ 
and  I  don't  believe  there  is  no  such  thing !" 

I  have  observed  that  those  who  murder  the  king's 
English  while  in  stations  that  should  be  filled  com- 
petently are  the  ones  who  are  most  jealous  of  real 

Clouston,  of  Edinburgh,  tells  of  a  gardener  who^ 
was  insane  only  in  his  speech,  talking  and  answering 
in  gibberish,  he  acted  intelligently  at  all  times.  A 
similar  case  the  entire  day  repeated:  "I  stole 
three  bottles  of  wine,  I  stole  three  bottles  of  wine^ 
Damn  three  bottles  of  wine !" 

The  other  extreme  of  mutism  is  common,  where 
the  patient  has  a  delusion  preventing  him  from 
speaking  at  all.  A  darkey  called  Zeb  had  been  at 
the  asylum  twenty  years,  working  in  the  engine  room> 
usually  and  had  never  been  heard  to  speak,when  one 
day  a  piece  of  machinery  was  about  to  fall  on  a  work- 

CRAZY    FOLKS  119 

man  and  Zeb  jelled  to  him  to  look  out.  He  then 
became  silent  as  before. 

An  insane  convict  who  had  thrown  red  pepper  in 
a  bank  messenger's  eyes  to  rob  him,  but  was  caught 
and  brought  to  the  asylum,  when  shown  to  be  non 
compos;  and  priding  himself  on  his  jig  dancing,  Zeb 
who  had  never  seemed  to  be  interested  in  the  enter- 
tainments for  patients  previously,  watched  the  con- 
vict and  when  he  had  blo^^^l  himself  out  Zeb  took  the 
floor  and  outdid  him  amid  shouts  of  surprise  and  ap- 
proval from  attendants  and  patients. 

Those  weekly  dances  were  always  comic;  the 
women  were  waltzed  around  by  themselves,  and  the 
men  by  female  attendants,  but  the  antics  on  all  sides 
were  laughable  as  a  cake  walk.  The  musician  could 
be  started  only  by  humming  or  w^histling  the  airs, 
as  he  had  forgotten  the  names  of  all  his  pieces,  though 
a  music  teacher  in  the  city  long  before  insane. 

This  old  music  teacher  had  alcoholic  insanity,  a 
disease  that  makes  trouble  at  home  of  the  worst  kind, 
for  it  is  murderous,  but  away  from  home  the  victim 
is  not  known  as  insane  at  all,  and  fierce  have  been  the 
contentions  over  trials  of  the  alcoholic  insane. 

At  the  asylum  the  children  led  him  to  the  music 
room  and  after  he  had  given  them  lessons  they  led 
him  back  to  his  ward,  as  he  had  little  memory  left.  But 
a  grand  jury,  smelling  out  wrongs  that  did  not  exist 
and  incapable  of  understanding  those  that  really  did 
exist,  because  not  agreeing  with  their  inspired  pre- 
conceptions, concluded  after  a  long  talk  with  the  old 

120  rUK  IN  A  DOCTOE^S  LIFE 

music  teacher  that  he  had  no  business  there  and 
ordered  his  discharge,  though  told  by  the  physicians 
at  the  asylum  of  the  dangerous  nature  of  the  insanity ; 
but  they  knew  he  was  not  insane,  just  as  many  know 
the  earth  is  flat.  The  old  fellow  was  sent  home,  got 
immediately  drunk,  broke  up  a  piano  with  an  axe, 
burnt  up  sheets  and  books  of  music  and  tried  to  kill 
his  family.  Newspaper  clippings  of  this  fun  had  to 
be  shown  successive  grand  juries  to  turn  them  to  other 

Speaking  of  the  flat  earth,  a  self  sufficient  lady 
remarked  to  her  husband:  ''I  don't  see  why  people 
talk  about  the  earth's  being  round,  for  any  fool  can 
look  out  and  see  it  is  flat." 

*^Yes,"  said  her  husband,  "any  fool  can." 

Another  time  a  grand  juror  said  that  he  had 
talked  in  Swedish  with  a  countrywoman  of  his  who- 
was  wrongfully  held  there,  and  he  positively  knew 
that  she  was  not  insane.  She  answered  all  questions 
intelligently  and  was  rational  on  all  subjects  mention- 
ed. He  demanded  her  instant  discharge  or  he  would 
bring  the  matter  into  court.  I  told  the  attendant  that 
she  had  better  send  her  to  her  room  and  let  the  grand 
juror  wait  awhile  and  take  her  to  town  himself. 

When  she  reappeared  she  had  on  a  gilt  paper 
crown,  a  heavy  necklace  of  large  glass  beads,  a  robe 
of  many  colors  with  window  tassels  at  the  hem,  and  a 
broom  handle  scepcer.  Upon  being  asked  to  introduce 
herself  to  the  grand  juror  she  pompously  told  him  that 
she  was  Queen  of  Sweden,  Queen  Victoria,  the  queen 



of  tragedy  and  queen  of  song,  and  would  fine  him 
-^Ye  dollars  for  daring  to  smoke  in  her  presence. 
Like  some  others  she  had  confounded  magistrate  with 
royal  dignity. 

Mr.  Grand  Juror  made  a  sneak,  and  I  often  won- 
dered if  he  profited  by  the  whack  at  his  bumptious- 
ness. But  lots  of  folks  keep  on  knowing  it  all  in 
spite  of  accidents  showing  the  contrary. 

Still  another  grand  juror,  a  year  or  two  later^ 
stood  pityingly  beside  a  comely  negress  who  waj? 
strapped  to  the  arm  of  a  settee  by  wristlets  and  belt* 
He  indignantly  claimed  that  here  was  one  of  the 
outrages  he  had  read  of.  He  was  prancing  around 
angrily  demanding  her  release,  when  getting  nearer 
to  his  poor,  abused  patient  she  watched  her  chance 
and  gave  him  a  kick  in  the  crotch  that  lifted  him 
toward  the  ceiling.  He  changed  his  remarks  to 
'^Damn  her,  tie  her  feet !'' 

She  was  one  of  the  most  dangerous  maniacs  in 
the  place  with  quiet  intervals. 

The  coming  of  the  grand  jury  was  always  known 
beforehand,  when  things  would  be  furbished  up, 
patients  with  kicked-in  ribs  would  be  tucked  in  bed^ 
bruised  faces  locked  out  of  sight  and  steering  ushers 
lead  the  inspectors  away  from  what  was  really  dis- 
creditable, and  finally  in  the  dining  room  the  banquet^ 
wine  and  cigars  convinced  the  visitors  that  all  was 

Any  "traitor'^  who  "gave  things  away,"  meaning 
exposing  the  wrongs  of  the  patients^  had  an  up  hill 


row  to  hoe,  for  he  would  be  hounded  by  an  organiza- 
tion of  toughs  he  could  not  have  imagined  existed  in 
free  America. 

For  instance,  let  an  indignant  physician  scold  a 
ballot  box  stuffer,  appointed  as  attendant,  for  neglect- 
ing a  helpless  dement  by  gadding  ai  one  end  of  the 
ward,  hundreds  of  feet  away  from  where  boiling  hot 
water  was  scalding  the  patient  to  death  because  bereft 
of  sense  the  unfortunate  did  not  know  enough  to  turn 
the  water  oif . 

The  usual  response  of  the  political  employe  is 
^^Well,  wot  yer  goin^  ter  do  about  it?  Yer  ain't  got 
pull  enough  ter  fire  me.     See  ?" 

Discharge  that  man  and  take  the  consequences, 
which  will  be  demands  from  saloon  keeping  senators 
and  representatives  to  put  that  man  back  at  once. 
Opportunities  will  be  sought  against  you,  and  the 
public  made  to  think  physicians  are  the  criminals 
instead  of  the  politicians. 

An  insane  lawyer  was  picked  up  in  the  streets 
of  Chicago  after  the  great  fire,  and  became  one  of  the 
show  patients.  He  said  that  he  was  trying  a  case  in 
court  when  the  judge  turned  into  a  boa-constrictor 
and  the  jury  into  monkeys,  and  he  could  not  stand  it. 
He  was  disgusted.  The  old  paranoiac  complained  of 
cats  in  the  air,  and  once  his  attendant  tied  a  string 
to  a  cat's  tail  and  threw  it  over  the  lawyer's  transom, 
but  the  patient  complained  in  such  a  way  as  to  let 
us  know  that  he  could  discriminate  between  real  cats 
and  those  of  his  hallucinations. 

Crazy  folks  l^S 

This  same  attendant  had  stolen  a  horse  and  slipped 
the  attorney  out  of  the  asvliim,  secretly  getting  him 
over  to  Jefferson  where  the  case  was  tried  before 
a  justice  of  the  peace,  and  as  he  was  not  recognized  by 
any  one  there  and  was  able  to  defend  the  culprit  quite 
well,  he  succeeded  in  having  the  case  against  him  dis-^ 
missed,  and  then  sneaked  the  insane  lawyer  back  to 
his  room  which  he  Was  supposed  to  have  been  too 
sick  to  leave. 

The  lawyer  secured  chews  of  tobacco  from  curious 
visitors  before  he  answered  questions.  Once  he 
turned  interrogator  himself  and  said  to  a  sensation 
seeker:  ^'Yoli  know  that  Susan  B.  Anthony  is  Pres- 
ident of  the  United  States,  now." 

Thinking  it  best  to  agree  to  anything  an  insane 
person  said,  he  nodded  yes. 

"And  you  know  that  Andrew  Jackson  is  Vice- 
President,  and  that  Harriet  Beecher  Stowe  is  Sec- 
i*etary  of  War  and  we  have  captured  England." 

^'Yes,"  said  he. 

^'Well,  you  know  a  blamed  sight  more  than  I 
do,  and  I  think  you  are  a  bigger  fool." 

Ti'oops  of  sight  seers  flock  through  institutions 
of  this  sort  if  permitted,  asking  to  be  shown  the 
worst  cases,  but  it  is  a  bad  practice  and  the  insane 
should  be  treated  as  sick  and  not  placed  on  exhibi- 
tion. Pancy  the  feelings  of  some  recovered  person 
Upon  being  reminded  of  how  amusing  or  terrible 
he  was  when  he  was  seen  in  the  asylum. 

Por  ten  years  we  had  a  chronic  and  supposedly 

incnrable  maniac  in  the  county  asylum,  and  he  had 
a  criminal  visage,  hard,  cruel  and  repulsive.  He  was 
disagreeably  obtrusive,  though  he  never  harmed  any- 
one, his  threats  and  noisiness  made  him  unpopular 
and  kept  us  watching  for  some  deed  in  keeping  with 
his  words.  I  once  saw  him  pick  up  a  garter  snake 
in  the  garden  and  bite  its  head  off  and  swallow  itj 
claiming  that  it  made  him  strong. 

lie  and  three  other  lunatics  gave  me  a  scene  that 
Dante  could  have  mentioned  and  his  illustrator  have 
pictured  after  their  own  style: 

The  dead  were  often  brought  to  my  laboratory 
for  posting  before  being  taken  to  the  dead  house,  so 
at  dusk  in  the  dim  light  in  came  a  coffin  held  by  four 
patients,  among  them  this  snake-eater,  all  chatter- 
ing and  laughing,  the  chronic  case  mentioned  making 
more  noise  and  gabble  than  the  others. 

About  five  years  after  this  happened  I  visited 
the  asylum  for  the  first  time  after  leaving  it  long 
previously,  and  a  very  polite  and  good  looking  gentle- 
man in  the  drug  store  accosted  me  with:  ^'Doctor,  I 
think  you  have  forgotten  me,"  watching  my  puzzled 
face  awhile  he  then  mentioned  his  name.  I  hardly 
thought  it  possible,  but  talking  to  him  and  hearing 
what  the  others  told  about  his  recovery  I  was  con- 
vinced that  here  was  one  of  the  very  rare  in- 
stances of  restoration  after  apparently  hopeless  loss 
of  mind. 

Another  character  at  "Dunning,"as  the  asylum 
was  known,  from  the  aggregation  of  saloons  given 

CRAZY    FOLKS  125 

this  town  name,  was  a  lithographer  insane  about 
spiritualism.  He  put  up  proclamations  threatening 
scoundrelly  spirits  all  about  the  asylum  outside  walls 
and  the  trees.  He  conferred  mediumship  upon  me 
and  I  tried  to  argue  him  into  an  appreciation  of  the 
absurdity  of  his  behavior  with  no  results. 

A  grand  juryman  once  thought  that  this  was  an 
instance  of  unjust  retention,  though  he  had  the 
freedom  of  the  grounds  and  went  no  farther  as  he 
thought  the  spirits  would  not  let  him  leave.  So  the 
juryman  asked  him  what  he  would  do  if  sent  to 
Chicago  on  the  train.  He  promptly  replied  that  he 
would  shoot  Mr.  Bundy,  the  editor  of  a  spiritualistic 
paper  published  there.  The  grand  juryman  did  not 
press  the  subject  further. 

Innumerable  are  the  capers  of  thr^se  unfort- 
unates. One  woman  dressed  her  hair  with  apple 
butter,  another  kept  medicine  in  her  mouth  till  a 
chance  to  spit  it  in  some  one's  face,  often  the  doctor's. 
The  old  lawyer  rubbed  his  eye  with  a  wet  rag  till  it 
was  inflamed,  saying  he  had  cast  off  fifty  skins  and 
had  as  many  more  to  rub  away.  Another  feeling 
strange  shocks  from  spinal  cord  disease  would  turn 
suddenly  and  hit  anyone  behind  him,  claiming  he 
had  struck  him  in  retaliation,  the  one  behind  having 
hit  first.  The  darkey  Zeb  picked  up  rubbish  inces- 
santly, and  such  dements  are  regarded  as  beyond  re- 
covery. Zeb  would  stow  away  things  in  his  shirt  and 
pockets  of  no  earthly  value  till  unloaded  periodic- 
ally by  the  engineer  he  assisted.     Once  Zeb  was  put 


on  the  scales  and  weighed,  freight  and  all,  200  lbs. 
before  and  130  lbs.  after  disgorging.  The  inventory 
listed  rags,  bones,  pebbles,  brick  bats,  broken  comb, 
no  teeth  in  it,  half  a  spoon,  spools,  burnt  matches,  pill 
box,  bottles,  tin  cans,  sardine  labels,  brass  faucet, 
hammer  handle,  egg  shells,  handle  of  tin  cup,  grass, 
tassel,  fly  paper,  an  old  ragged  sock,  pieces  of  cast 
iron,  broken  glass,  keys,  playing  cards,  a  cent,  toy 
whistle,  potato  peelings,  clock  pendulum,  feathers, 
strings  and  a  crust  of  last  year's  bread. 

A  schoolboy's  pockets  might  yield  somewhat  sim- 
ilar wealth,  and  these  terminal  dements  seem  to 
return  to  childish  estimates  of  value  in  the  things  they 
treasure.  But  sometimes  money  in  large  amounts 
has  been  found  secreted  with  or  without  the  other 
things  of  no  value.  A  teamster  brought  his  wife  to 
Dunning  and  was  telephoned  for  to  come  and  get 
what  was  found  sewed  up  in  her  dress.  The  poor 
fellow  was  amazed,  but  recognized  some  coins  and 
other  money  he  had  given  her  years  before.  She 
had  stowed  away  what  he  supposed  they  had  lived 
on.  Sure  enough,  ^^it  was  just  like  finding  it,"  as 
he  said. 

A  paretic  brought  a  thousand  dollars  in  twenty 
dollar  pieces  with  him  and  rolled  them  down  the 
corridor  length.  His  wife  got  back  about  a  hundred 
dollars,  the  rest  having  ^^fallen  into  rat  holes." 

A  powerfully  built  ]!^orwegian  physician  with 
rapidly  fatal  paretic  dementia  attracted  attention  by 
his   furies.      Once   the   patients    in   his   ward,   the 

CRAZY    FOLKS  127 

were  taken  out  on  the  lawn  and  I 
was  ascending  the  iron  steps  at  the  end  of  the  build- 
ing when  I  heard  hatchet  strokes  cutting  the  door 
down  and  the  Norwegian  swearing  he  would  "kill 
them  all." 

And  he  emerged  from  the  wreck  of  the  door,  hav- 
ing broken  into  the  locked  store  room  of  the  ward  to 
get  the  hatchet,  and  stood  before  me  with  his  weapon, 
flushed,  angry  and  irresponsible.  But  he  liked  me,  as 
we  had  talked  over  medical  matters  in  which  he  was 
well  educated,  and  he  looked  more  peaceable.  I  had  to 
gather  my  wits  swiftly  and  asked  him  if  he  could  see 
a  procession  passing  below  from  his  window  in  the 
stairway  hall.  He  craned  his  neck  and  stood  on  his 
toes  to  look  out,  and  to  my  intense  relief  he  dropped 
the  hatchet,  which  I  kicked  down  the  iron  stairway 
and  it  banged  resoundingly  the  four  stories.  I  felt 
squeamish  afterward  about  the  possibility  of  its  hitt- 
ing some  one  but  it  was  a  noon  time  when  no  one 
moved  about  as  a  rule,  and  one  can't  guard  against 
every  contingency.  Anyway,  I  gave  the  alarm  and 
soon  the  paretic  was  safely  locked  up  again.  He 
should  not  have  been  left  by  himself.  His  skull  as 
shown  post-mortem  was  abnormally  thick,  probably 
like  those  of  his  Norse  ancestry. 

A  chronic  maniac  female  used  to  rave  at  her 
window  the  whole  day  swearing  at  passers,  but  quieted 
instantly  upon  seeing  the  superintendent,  whom  she 
took  for  her  son.  She  had  burned  two  of  her  children 
on  an  altar  in  a  religious  frenzy,  and  we  kept  a  turban 


on  her  head  to  keep  her  from  bruises  against  the 
wall  she  incessantly  banged. 

Showing  what  habit  will  adjust  ns  to,  upon  one 
occasion  when  she  was  raving  and  swearing  at  a 
rate  that  would  have  burst  a  brain  vessel  ordinarily, 
I  felt  her  pulse  and  counted  her  respirations  and  they 
were  both  that  of  a  calm  self-possessed  person,  the 
heart  beat  as  regularly  as  in  sleep,  showing  that  the 
noise  and  fury  were  mere  mechanical  nothings  as  far 
as  the  bodily  functions  were  concerned. 

A  furious  periodical  female  maniac  who  was  put 
in  restraint  till  her  attack  was  over  grew  fond  of  my 
wife  and  visited  her  in  our  rooms  begging  to  be 
allowed  to  do  the  room  work  as  an  excuse  to  be  with 
her.  Once  while  there  an  outbreak  came  on,  and 
my  wife  placed  her  in  an  arm  chair,  smoothed  her 
hair  and  talked  soothingly  to  her  and  she  broke  into 
tears  and  that  bad  spell  was  over,  to  our  SLirpriso.  So 
the  attendants  sent  for  Mrs.  Clevenger  when  the 
attacks  threatened,  and  often  the  patient  would  follow 
h^-r  to  our  rooms  and  soon  be  quiet  again.  But  the 
superintendent  interfered  when  he  learned  of  it, 
thinking  doubtless  that  if  any  miracles  were  to  be 
worked  he  should  absorb  the  credit  and  not  a  pos- 
sible candidate  for  his  place,  which  1  forcibly  refused 
later,  telling  the  county  commissioners  that  I  did  not 
care  to  become  the  agent  of  murderers  and  thieves. 
A  sort  of  splutter  habitual  with  m^-  when  principle 
was  at  issue,  and  which  did  not  endear  me  to  the 

CKAZY    FOLKS  129 

Another  rociirrent  female  came  to  our  room  when 
her  attacks  were  threatening,  she  was  also  a  Chicago 
fire  victim;  and  by  means  of  a  good  dose  of  calomel 
and  quinine  I  several  times  broke  up  the  return  of 
her  furies,  but  this,  too,  the  superintendent  ended  by 
removing  her  to  a  distant  part  of  the  building  and 
forbidding  the  attendant  to  notify  me  of  recurrences. 

l^ow  this  sort  of  petty  spite  seems  impossible 
to  right  thinking  persons,  yet  I  encountered  worse 

By  asking  the  Women's  Club  of  the  city  to  secure 
a  lady  physician  I  managed  to  rush  the  appointment 
of  the  first  lady  doctor  to  an  asylum  in  the  Union,  so 
far  as  I  know;  the  commissioners  appointing  her,  as 
they  thought  the  superintendent  had  recommended 
the  lady,  but  he  had  been  ostensibly  working  to  get 
her  there  and  really  secretly  working  against  her, 
the  trick  being  to  please  the  Women's  Club,  an  in- 
fluential set,  and  prevent  her  coming. 

The  misunderstanding  secured  her  the  place,  and 
Dr.  Delia  Howe  came  to  the  surprise  and  disgust  of 
the  superintendent,  who  did  all  he  could  to  annoy  and 
defeat  her,  but  in  spite  of  all  she  did  splendid  work ; 
upon  one  occasion  surgically  treating  a  neglected  case 
that  under  her  skillful  and  kind  care  was  rapidly 
recovering  mentally  and  in  general  health,  when,  pre- 
posterous as  it  seems,  this  patient  was  taken  away  to 
prevent  the  lady  doctor  from  getting  the  credit  for  a 

But  this  sort  of  thing  springs  from  saloon  keep- 

130  FUN  IN  A  doctor's  LIFE 

ing  domination  of  charity  institutions.  It  is  "prac- 
tical politics."  The  usual  policy  being  to  "get  a  hold" 
on  a  person  who  might  become  a  competitor,  even 
if  something  had  to  be  invented.  This  led  to  sneak- 
ing, lying,  and  all  the  other  worse  things  sneaks  and 
liars  can  do. 

But  we  are  trying  to  see  the  fun  in  this  narration. 

On  the  lawn  at  my  State  hospital  an  insane  evan- 
gelist addressed  the  other  patients,  who  gradually 
melted  way  and  left  him  talking  to  no  one.  He  found 
it  such  hard  work  to  get  a  congregation  that  he 
brought  it  with  him  in  the  shape  of  sticks  which  he 
stuck  up  in  rows  and  preached  to. 

The  transoms  were  very  narrow  but  the  few 
inches  enabled  mysterious  nightly  fires  to  be  set  by  an 
incendiary  epileptic  who  squeezed  through  and  got 
back  the  same  way  to  his  room  till  caught. 

Then  the  sleep  walker  who  danced  in  the  air 
along  the  edge  of  the  roof,  and  the  combination  of 
epileptics  to  escape  by  a  rush  together,  a  very  unusal 
thing.  The  epileptic  in  an  asylum  is  a  sad  case.  In 
the  interim  of  attacks,  which  he  fails  to  remember, 
he  is  sane  and  well  behaved.  If  any  patients  could 
combine  to  do  anything  they  can. 

An  energetic,  chattering,  hard  working  maniac 
laundress  at  the  State  institution  was  the  subject  of 
an  interesting  experiment  to  divert  her  energies  into 
a  less  annoying  exercise  than  talking  so  incessantly. 
I  made  her  a  present  of  a  stock  of  chewing  gum  and 
there  fell  a  great  quiet  upon  the  face  of  the  earth; 

CEAZY    FOLKS  131 

she  was  tappy  and  merely  chawed  and  chawed  her 
happy  hours  away.  There  is  no  patent  on  the  process 
and  it  can  be  tried  in  other  institutions. 

When  waiting  on  a  table,  even  if  the  governor 
of  the  state  was  present,  she  chipped  into  the  conversa- 
tion until  the  gum  gave  her  jaws  all  they  could 
attend  to. 

Among  my  patients  at  Eiverside  sanitarium  I 
had  a  lady  otherwise  perfectly  sane  who  washed  her 
hands  a  hundred  times  daily,  fearing  contamination. 
Then  there  was  a  senile  dement  who  drew  a  hundred 
gallons  of  water  to  wet  a  postage  stamp  with,  and 
who  when  seen  ransacking  the  drawers  of  the  side- 
board in  the  dining  room  was  asked  what  he  was 
looking  for,  as  he  emptied  out  the  silver,  and  said 
he  had  mislaid  his  overshoes.  He  would  gorge  him- 
self, fall  asleep  a  few  minutes  and  angrily  ask  when 
the  meal  would  be  ready. 

Hysterical  lunatics  are  dangerous,  and  all  the 
more  so,  like  the  alcoholics,  their  insanity  is  not  read- 
ily recognized.  I  know  of  several  hysterically  in- 
sane patients  who  made  immense  trouble  by  letters 
sent  anonymously,  accusing  innocent  folks  of  atro- 
cious things. 

At  the  State  place  a  laundress  fell  in  love  with 
an  alcoholic  homicidal  case  and  married  him  in 
spite  of  all  my  efforts  to  inform  her,  and  she  also 
aided  his  escape. 

A  gardener  there  was  interesting.  I  asked  him 
some   questions   soon   after   I   took   charge    and   he 


turned  on  me  with  the  information  that  he  meant  to 
come  to  my  office  and  see  how  I  was  running  things. 
I  had  not  known  he  was  a  patient  till  then. 

He  was  sent  there  as  an  alcoholic;  his  wife 
finally  demanded  his  release,  threatening  me  with 
saloon  keeping  statesmen  if  I  did  not  let  him  go, 
and  they  did  send  insolent  demands,  and  it  seems 
queer  they  should  not  post  themselves  on  the  form 
of  insanity  they  themselves  manufacture.  Under 
strong  protest  I  let  the  wife  take  him  home  and  the 
next  morning  had  frantic  telegrams  from  sheriffs 
and  citizens  demanding  attendants  to  return  him  to 
the  institution. 

A  county  commissioner  I  used  to  expostulate 
with  about  robbing  the  insane  brought  his  father  to 
the  county  asylum  and  broke  up  the  discipline  of 
the  place  by  compelling  the  best  ward  for  the  noisy 
patient,  wholly  unfit  for  the  convalescent  ward,  in 
which  his  presence  prevented  other  patients  from  re- 
covering. "But  vots  de  use  of  a  pull  if  you  can't 
use  it  for  yer  family?'' 

His  father  was  still  insane  when  I  was  made  sup- 
erintendent of  the  State  hospital,  and  one  of  the 
first  transfers  from  Dunning  was  this  commissioner's 
father,  as  he  "knew  the  old  man  would  be  treated 
kindly  while  Clevenger  had  charge." 

The  subject  is  endless,  but  we  can  wind  up  with  a 
few  more  remarks  about  the  sense  berefted. 

A  superintendent  was  once  asked  by  a  patient: 
"Am  I  the  prince  of  this  castle  ?" 

CRAZY    FOLKS  133 

"Certainly,  your  royal  highness." 

^'Then  why  are  my  orders  disobeyed.  These 
buckets  are  labeled  for  fire  only,  and  someone  has 
put  water  in  them!" 

A  farmer  was  asked  if  he  did  not  want  his  clock 
repaired  and  regulated  by  a  traveling  tinker. 

"j^o  sir,"  said  he,  "when  the  hands  point  to  half 
past  seven  and  it  strikes  eleven  I  know  it  is  four 

A  visitor  remarked  to  some  one  near  an  asylum 
clock  that  it  was  not  right. 

"That's  so,"  he  replied,  "for  it  wouldn't  be  here 
if  it  was." 

Dr.  Lacquer,  to  whom  I  had  turned  over  my  prac- 
tice when  I  left  Chicago  for  the  pathologist  place  at 
the  coi^nty  asylum,  was  asked  by  an  Italian  fruit 
dealer  named  Basigaloupi  what  had  become  of  me  as 
he  had  not  seen  me  for  a  long  while. 

"Why,"  said  Dr.  Lacquer,  "hadn't  you  heard  that 
he  went  to  the  insane  asylum  ?" 

"iSTo,  now  is  dat  so  ?"  "Veil,  but  I  always  dinks 
dat  dere  was  somtin  de  matter  wid  dat  man !" 


On  the  high  banks  of  a  muddy  little  river  the 
State  farm  extended,  forty  acres  of  it  being  covered 
with  one  great  central  building  and  many  detached 
buildings  for  alleged  hospital  purposes.  It  had  been 
creditably  managed  by  my  predecessor  for  fourteen 
years,  and  only  when  he  assured  me  in  writing  that  he 
would  not  consider  re-appointment,  after  being  polit- 
ically ousted,  would  I  consent  to  take  his  place. 

A  legislator  arrogated  to  himself  the  appointment 
of  all  my  assistants.  I  ignored  him  and  started  in  on 
civil  service  ideas,  caring  nothing  for  parties  or  their 
threats,  having  repeatedly  published  both  parties  as 

My  retained  employees  immediately  schemed 
against  me,  thinking  to  get  the  former  administra- 
tion back  in  spite  of  assurances  that  it  would  refuse 
to  return.  Then  the  other  party,  having  been  out  of 
power  thirty  years,  was  very  hungry,  and  paying  no 
attention  to  demands  of  either  side  both  sets  of  wolves 
concluded  to  combine  against  me  as  a  means  of  set- 
tling the  division  of  sjDoils,  after  the  ins  threatened- 
to  hunt  up  and  expose  all  the  former  stealings  of  the- 

Things  began  to  sizzle. 


The  bookkeeper  sent  me  checks  for  thousands  of 
dollars  filled  out  ready  for  my  signature,  and  being 
the  only  officer  responsible  for  State  property  and 
under  bonds,  I  refused  to  sign  the  checks  till  the 
trustees  audited  the  accounts  for  them,  as  I  had  no 
means  of  knowing  their  correctness,  and  they  had  the 
purchasing  power  as  well  as  myself.  I  refused  to 
complicate  matters  by  doing  any  buying  myself. 

This  behavior  was  resented  by  the  trustees  as  it 
would  too  clearly  point  out  the  thieves,  so  they  post- 
poned stealings  till  other  arrangements  could  be  made. 

I  appointed  ten  specialists,  such  as  dentists,  eye 
and  ear  and  other  medical  and  surgical  experts  from 
the  best  of  Chicago's  physicians,  they  agreeing  to 
serve  free  of  cost  to  the  State,  and  at  my  request  the 
Illinois  Central  railway  company  furnished  them 

At  first  the  trustees  could  see  no  harm  to  them- 
selves in  the  move,  thinking  even  they  could  share 
the  approbation  of  the  public  for  the  humanity  of 
the  innovation.  But  the  horrible  thought  finally 
illumined  the  nut-kernels  they  called  their  brains 
that  these  doctors  were  finding  out  everything  about 
the  asylum  and  were  commenting  in  Chicago  about 
the  medicine  being  bought  by  the  business  manager 
to  profit  himself  rather  than  help  the  sick. 

Fluid  extracts  were  cold  tea,  a  handful  of  quinine 
■or  calomel  was  not  equal  to  a  grain  of  the  genuine. 
Whiskey  was  fair,  as  legislators  were  particular  of 
what  they  drank  when  the  State  paid  for  it. 


So,  bang  went  my  corps  of  specialists,  and  I 
think  I  stand  alone  in  ever  having  had  one  in  a  State 
institution  of  the  kind. 

The  superintendent's  house  was  fitted  up  well, 
but  inheriting  Quaker  repugnance  to  luxury  I  made 
short  work  of  its  contents,  sending  the  fine  oil  paint- 
ings to  the  wards  for  the  patients  to  enjoy,  cutting 
down  the  list  of  servants,  the  horses  and  carriages, 
preferring  to  walk  anyway. 

A  shanty  would  serve  my  student  habits  better, 
as  freed  from  sneaks  that  wealth  always  gathers, 
satisfied  if  my  books  and  instruments  were  spared 
to  me  with  time  to  use  them.  Luxury  palled,  and  I 
grew  invariably  unhappy  with  it  and  hated  the  house 
with  too  much  comfort,  particularly,  as  in  this 
instance,  it  was  at  the  expense  of  the  insane  who  were 
deprived  of  necessaries  which  the  maintenance  o£ 
this  house  would  have  restored  to  them  in  part  by 
making  up  what  the  trustees  stole,  though  these 
Samaritans  would  have  complacently  absorbed  it 
themselves  had  it  been  relinquished. 

Asiatic  cholera  threatened  during  the  World's- 
Fair  year  and  I  sent  for  the  Pasteur  filter  men  to 
estimate  on  filters  for  the  place,  large  ones  to  take 
the  place  of  drive  wells  in  the  water  of  which  there 
were  typhoid  germs,  and  I  was  forced  to  have  the 
pumps  pulled  up  to  keep  the  employees  from  using' 
the  dangerous  water. 

I  told  the  Pasteur  company  that  they  must  make 
the  price  to  the  State  a  low  one  as  there  was  to  be  no* 

t'tJN"  With  illIxois  GRAFTEiis  I3f 

"rake-off"  for  any  politician,  and  the  trustees  said 
nothing  but  the  ingenious  engineer  came  to  their  aid 
by  raising  the  pressure  on  the  supply  pipes  when  the 
filters  were  being  tested  so  they  burst,  and  served  as 
a  warning  not  to  try  to  get  goods  into  the  hospital  free 
of  tribute  to  the  gang. 

A  great  pile  of  printed  blanks  near  a  furnace  at- 
tracted my  notice  and  brought  out  an  amusing  account 
of  their  origin  and  abandonment. 

Instead  of  answering  letters  of  inquiry  concern- 
ing patients  the  '^time  saving''  device  was  hit  upon  of 
sending  regular  reports  of  their  condition  whether 
asked  for  or  not. 

The  storm  of  indignation  was  not  anticipated 
which  this  innocent  blank  filling  brought  upon  the 
asylum  heads.  Some  wrote  that  they  did  not  care 
for  news  of  the  patient  at  all  and  and  objected  to 
letters  from  a  crank  shop  rousing  neighborly  curi- 
osity, and  all  around  there  was  no  inducement  to 
keep  up  the  reporting  and  the  plan  was  abandoned; 
but  not  before  the, husband  of  one  insane  woman  had 
responded  with:  "Your  statement  that  my  wife  re- 
mains in  the  same  condition  as  mentioned  in  last 
report  was  received  and  I  do  not  doubt  your  correct-^ 
ness,  inasmuch  as  in  that  previous  report  you  in- 
formed me  that  she  had  died." 

This  report  blank  filling  leads  to  other  comicali-^ 
ties.  In  a  history  sheet  series  of  questions  sent  to 
applicants  for  their  friends'  admission,  the  married 
or  unmarried  state  of  the  patient  is  asked  in  the  space 


left  blank  to  fill  in  of  "Civil  Condition,"  so  that  eveh 
the  word  divorced  and  so  on  could  be  inserted;  bin 
one  blank  came  back  with  the  civil  condition  of  a 
maniac  written  in  as  "ITot  very." 

Similar  to  queries  of  the  kind  sent  out  to  post- 
masters as  to  their  "Married  Condition,"  one  came 
back  to  headquarters  answered,  "Hell;"  another  re- 
ported "Fine  and  Dandy,"  and  still  another  "Fair 
to  Middling." 

Sometimes  a  latent  conscience  suddenly  flared  up 
in  even  a  grafter,  for  an  employe  devoted  to  the 
opposition  told  me  that  there  were  certain  rascali- 
ties he  could  not  indulge  in  for  political  purposes; 
he  had  been  asked  to  join  in  a  plot  to  liberate  the 
criminal  insane  from  the  isolation  house  called  the 
"relief"  in  such  a  way  as  to  make  it  appear  that  it 
was  due  to  my  careless  management.  The  fact  that 
iQurders  and  other  crimes  would  have  inevitably  fol- 
lowed did  not  make  the  grafters  hesitate  a  moment. 

The  adjoining  town  held  confederates  Avho 
afforded  concealment  of  goods  stolen  from  the  hos- 
pital, and  it  took  so  much  time  from  caring  for  my 
patients  in  ferreting  out  thefts  ana  stopping  them, 
that  I  felt  my  medical  career  giving  way  to  mere 
detective  duty,  but  it  could  not  be  trusted  to  others. 

I  wanted  to  put  in  lock  switches  to  keep  the  rail- 
way company  from  running  off  with  car  loads  of  coal 
after  we  had  receipted  for  them,  but  the  trustees 
objected,  nor  would  they  favor  a  fence  to  keep  out 


Altogether  we  were  at  sixes  and  sevens.  My  office 
waste  paper  basket  was  ransacked  nightly,  and  even 
post  office  clerks  did  many  crooked  things  to  help  cir- 
cumvent that  ^'damned  reformer."  My  telegrams 
were  given  to  the  gang  before  I  saw  them,  orders  to 
sign  requisitions  in  ink  and  close  to  last  item  so  as 
to  prevent  subsequent  additions  fraudulently  were  not 
obeyed,  and  if  I  investigated  abuse  of  a  patient  the 
accused  defied  me  with  not  having  enough  pull  to 
^^fire"  him. 

Saloon  keeping  senators  were  appealed  to  from 
my  decisions,  bringing  their  wrath  upon  me.  One 
went  to  Governor  Altgeld  to  demand  to  know  what 
kind  of  a  "goddam  feller"  he  had  there  as  superin- 
tendent. He  complained  that  I  had  notified  the  legis- 
lature that  if  it  came  in  a  body  it  would  not  be  admit- 
ted to  the  grounds,  to  run  riot  and  get  drunk  about  the 
place,  but  that  I  would  be  glad  to  have  a  visiting 
committee  of  a  limited  number  of  the  members. 

My  best  attendants  were  country  jays  unspoiled 
by  politicians,  and  these  humane  fellows  were  ob- 
noxious to  the  gang.  One  of  them  had  been  ousted, 
a  witty  fellow,  and  went  to  the  little  town  to  ask  a 
street  railway  boss,  named  Cobb,  for  a  place. 

So  brusque  was  he  that  he  opened  the  conversa- 
tion with:  "Say,  Cobb,  I  want  a  job." 

"What's  your  name?" 

"Aleck  of  Iroquois." 

"Do  you  know  what  we  do  to  smart  alecks  down 
here  ?" 


^''No,  but  I  know  what  we  do  to  cobs  in  Iroquois ; 
we  burn  'em." 

Actually  corn  was  at  one  time  cheaper  to  make 
fires  of  than  to  sell  to  merchants  in  parts  of  Illinois. 

I  was  told  that  legislators  cut  appropriations  for 
charity  institutions  unless  promised  part  of  the 
money,  and  getting  a  request  to  come  to  the  capital 
to  look  after  and  explain  estimates  of  expenses  I 
went  to  Springfield,  sick  with  overwork  and  anxiety, 
and  found  great  rejoicing  at  a  joke  played  on  the 
jay  legislators,  as  they  were  called:  the  round  balls 
of  soap  in  each  room  of  the  hotel  they  patronized 
had  been  taken  away  and  in  their  stead  similar  look- 
ing balls  of  limburger  cheese  had  been  placed  in  the 
soap  dishes.  Ringing  of  bells,  running  of  waiters 
and  loud  voices  in  halls  followed,  ^demanding  to 
know  what  was  the  matter  with  the  water  supply,  for 
the  more  they  washed  the  more  the;y  stunk. 

I  was  to  meet  the  member  of  the  lower  house  to 
talk  over  the  appropriations  needed  for  the  next  two 
years  at  the  hospital,  about  half  a  million  dollars,  and 
before  sending  up  my  card  I  was  being  shaved  in 
the  hotel  barber  shop  and  happened  to  catch  sight 
of  the  legislator  I  sought  reflected  in  the  mirror  next 
to  mine,  but  he  had  simultaneously  seen  my  image 
in  my  glass,  but  did  not  have  time  to  change 
the  expression  on  his  face  as  he  looked  at  me.  It  was 
as  infernal  a  griuiace  of  rage  and  hatred  as  could  be 
assumed  by  an  actor.  He  must  have  been  one, 
though,  for  when  we  met  he  was  smiles,  happy  cordi- 


alitj  and  congratulations  for  the  "great  record  I  was 
making  in  caring  for  the  helpless  insane/' 

Here  was  a  little  incident  that  puzzled  me  then, 
and  still  is  not  fully  accounted  for :  Long  before  when 
this  legislator  came  to  my  office  in  Chicago  and  I 
told  him  flatly  that  any  boodling  would  be  fought  by 
me  if  I  took  the  superintendency,  he  asked,  "but 
you  will  be  friendly  to  me  ?"  Of  course,  I  said,  and 
I  now  think  he  imagined  it  was  but  demagogic  bluff, 
such  as  he  was  accustomed  to  hear  from  self  styled 
"reformers,"  for  he  appeared  satisfied,  and  as  he  left 
my  office  he  waddled  out  with  legs  apart  exactly  as 
I  had  noticed  the  boodler  surveyor  general  do  in 
Dakota.  I  puzzled  over  the  coincidence,  and  finally 
left  my  mind  a  scientific  blank  on  judging  what  it 
could  mean;  it  not  being  necessary  for  us  to  have 
positive  opinions  on  every  subject,  as  the  untrained 

Quite  recently  I  happened  to  read  a  description 
of  the  penitentiary  "lock  step,"  and  it  tallied  so 
witJi  the  gait  of  these  two  politicians  that  it  came  as 
a  revelation;  only  neither  had  ever  been  jailed  so  far 
as  I  had  heard,  and  then  I  thought  of  possible  hered- 
ity; but  the  chances  are  that  in  their  dim  and  dis- 
tant past  they  had  taken  lessons  in  the  lock-step,  may 
be  at  some  reformatory,  those  wretched  places  that 
graduate  criminals  and  afford  jobs  for  cruel  saloon 

I  was  asked  to  meet  the  house  committee,  and 
found  it   in   session   with   the   chairman   tij)sy   and 

142  Fui^  IN  A 

nervous  from  alcoholic  gastritis.  The  appropriation 
matter  came  up  and  when  he  asked  votes  on  consid- 
ering it  he  turned  to  me  and  wanted  me  to  vote,  but 
I  told  him  it  was  not  customary  for  a  superintendent 
to  vote  in  the  house  on  appropriations  for  his  place. 
After  listening  to  me  awhile  some  one  moved  to  go 
into  executive  session  and  I  had  to  leave  the  solons  to 
their  discussions. 

Then  in  the  senate  committee  I  was  asked  the 
reasons  for  items,  and  was  irritated  bj  disparaging, 
insolent  questions  of  one  of  the  statesmen,  who 
seemed  to  intimate  that  he  had  been  cut  off  from  this 
particular  hog  trough,  and  wanted  revenge  on  those 
who  had  four  feet  in  it,  thinking  that  I  was  one  of  the 

Item  by  item  I  explained  till  finally  coming  to 
$30,000  for  painting  buildings,  I  said  that  here  was 
evidently  a  mistake,  for  even  $500  would  be  more 
than  enough  for  the  present  purpose. 

It  acted  like  a  galvanic  shock  on  the  crowd,  and 
the  suspicious  member  was  dazed.  Politicians 
usually  infer  that  you  have  something  up  your  sleeve 
if  you  are  guileless. 

"What  did  the  house  committee  recommend?" 
asked  the  chairman  of  the  senate  committee  on  appro- 

I  replied  that  I  had  not  ascertained,  as  they  went 
into  executive  session,  which  served  as  a  hint  and  a 
senator  immediately  remarked,  "I  move  we  now  go 
into  executive  session,"  and  I  retired  to  learn  after- 


ward  they  had  played  hob  with  my  estimate,  as  they 
could  "see  nothing  in  it  for  themselves." 

Some  months  later  I  asked  Governor  Altgeld  if 
he  would  not  help  me  defeat  the  big  thieves  of  the  hos- 
pital ;  that  I  had  suppressed  some  of  the  small  ones. 
Remarking,  also,  that  it  would  be  easy  to  steal  a  hun- 
dred thousand  dollars  a  year  at  my  hospital  with  no 
chance  of  detection  beyond  knowing  that  some  one  had 
misappropriated  it. 

He  stopped  his  pace  up  and  down  the  guber- 
natorial rooms  and  thought  awhile,  then  said :  "Doc- 
tor, the  machine  is  not  satisfied  with  your  administra- 
tion and  calls  for  your  resignation." 

"Very  well,  governor,  the  machine  could  not 
have  given  me  a  greater  compliment." 

A  year  later  Altgeld  dropped  dead  on  the  plat- 
form on  which  he  was  making  a  political  speech. 

An  old  lady  to  whom  I  remarked  that  so  many 
of  the  opposers  of  good  in  political  institutions  had 
passed  away,  foolishly,  instead  of  staying  to  enjoy 
what  they  had  schemed  for,  cogitated  and  suggested 
that  it  was  my  reward  to  have  been  permitted  to  re- 
main. Maybe,  but  I  could  hardly  infer  from  these 
matters  that  therefore  my  existence  was  to  be  pro- 
longed indefinitely. 

And  the  good  die  young  also. 

Being  the  pioneer  anti-boodler  and  anti-grafter 
in  the  city  of  Chicago  and  State  of  Illinois,  at  a  lime 
when  such  fighting  was  regarded  as  foolish,  hopeless, 
and  improper  anyway,  for  spoils  were  legitimate  pay 

for  party  success,  and  no  one  but  a  damned  3rank 
could  think  otherwise,  I  had  learned  by  experience 
that  to  have  any  effect  upon  the  public  statements 
of  atrocities  at  asylums  must  be  made  only  when 
politicians  could  take  up  the  accusations  to  baste  the 
other  side  with. 

I  was  a  professor  in  a  medical  school  in  the  city, 
and  took  advantage  of  being  asked  to  delivpr  a  doc- 
torate address  to  the  graduating  class  and  its  friends 
on  commencement. 

In  the  address  I  gave  the  political  care  of  the 
insane  a  lambasting  and  had  a  reporter  of  the  Tintes- 
Herald,  an  influential  paper,  present  to  verify  the 
manuscript  of  my  speech  as  delivered,  and  the  next 
morning  it  appeared  with  all  the  sensational  head- 
lines and  capitalizing  the  public  want  in  hori'ible 

The  dean  of  the  school  leaned  toward  those  T 
attacked,  as  there  was  a  prospect  of  affiliation  v/ith  a 
state  university,  and  scolded  me  foi  talking  politico 
instead  of  medicine  and  taking  advantage  of  the 
occasion  to  do  so. 

But  a  Hindoo  proverb  compares  the  man  who 
misses  his  chance  to  the  monkey  who  misses  his 


Folks  used  to  wonder  why  Dr.  Doodle  kept 
"Sissy"  as  first  assistant  physioitiv  on  the  hospital 
staff  when  there  were  nine  other  young  doctors  who 
could  be  understood  when  they  spoke  without  getting 
brain  fag  from  overstraining  one's  attention  and 
listening  ability  in  translating  the  wuh-wuh- woofs  of  a 
cleft  palate  into  intelligible  speech.  And  I  wondered, 

Dr.  Sissy  aired  his  wuh-wuh-woofs  in  conversing 
with  visitors,  instructing  attendants,  in  intrigu- 
ing with  relatives  of  patients  when  they  appeared 
to  have  money,  in  long  prayers  at  camp  meetings 
and  even  in  singing. 

This  tiresome  work  made  him  object  to  rising 
at  night  to  see  troublesome  insane  when  called  to  do 
so,  and  he  allowed  attendants  to  dope  the  patients 
with  a  hellish  mixture  of  chloral  and  laudanum  from 
a  big  bottle  that  I  had  expressly  forbidden  to  be  left 
on  the  wards,  intending  that  all  doses  should  come 
from  the  dispensary  direct  on  prescriptions. 

An  accumulation  of  omissions  and  commissions 
finally  caused  me  to  set  Sissy  back  one  number  and 
elevate  one  of  the  other  assistants  to  the  first  assistant 

146  rui^  IN  A  doctor's  life 

place.  An  industrions  "  'iimble  Uriah  Heep"  Dr. 
Booby  was  selected.  He  was  overwhelmed  with  the 
honor  and  feared  he  was  not  competent  and  so  forth 
He  had  to  be  reassured  and  told  that  his  horrible 
spelling  would  be  nothing  compared  to  faithful  ser- 
vi  ce ;  and  he  was  a  hard  worker. 

Only  his  industry  took  a  new  direction  as  soon 
as  safely  placed  in  charge,  conducting  staff-meetings, 
talking  to  visitors,  posing  as  a  know-it-all  to  politi- 
cians who  could  no  more  judge  of  the  fitness  of  a 
doctor  for  a  position  than  they  could  of  the  possi- 
bility of  a  fourth  dimension,  or  a  third,  for  that 

He  ingratiated  himself  with  attendants  by  dining 
with  them  ostentatiously,  catering  to  vulgar  ideas  of 
greatness  by  pomposity,  niggery  long  words,  patron- 
izing manners  to  ^^inferiors"  and  cringing  to  "sup- 

My  other  assistants  looked  on  with  an  I-told-you- 
so  air,  and  I  was  informed  that  he  had  a  numerously 
signed  petition  to  be  appointed  as  superintendent  in 
my  place.  His  qualifications  being  superficial  ones 
that  strike  ignorance  favorably,  and  the  fact  that  he 
could  make  himself  understood,  but  was  sly  about  it, 
as  he  thought,  enabled  him  to  get  around  among  those 
whom  he  thought  were  influental,  but  were  not,  and 
by  Uriah  Heepism  conceal  his  trickery  and  treachery. 

Then  I  realized  why  Doodle  kept  Sissy  in  the 
first  assistant's  place. 


The  handlers  of  books  get  rich,  the  writers  of  books 
remain  poor,  as  a  rule.  Publishers,  booksellers,  even 
the  dealers  in  second  hand  books,  accumulate  money 
from  unrecompensed  toil,  sacrifices  and  thought  of 

Imagine  box  makers  and  teamsters  claiming  the 
contents  of  what  they  hand  to  you  for  sale ! 

See  the  great  buildings  filled  with  employees  of 
publishers  and  booksellers.  If  an  author  here  and 
there  has  a  competence  from  his  writings  it  is  the 
grand  exception,  due  to  some  accident  or  to  having 
sunk  ten  times  what  he  had  made  in  learning  how 
to  keep  the  rest  from  the  filching  publisher. 

Uncle  Tom's  Cabin  brought  originally  a  hundred 
dollars ;  later  when  millions  of  copies  had  been  issued 
the  author  received  five  times  as  much  as  a  gratuity, 
a  bone  to  the  dog.  The  publisher  must  have  lain 
awake  at  nights  afterward  repenting  his  generosity. 

In  1874  a  IN'ew  York  scientific  book  publisher 
brought  out  my  first  book,  ^^ Surveying".  I  gave  him 
$650  for  electrotyping  200  pages,  ^^as  figures  cost 
more  to  electrotype  than  plain  reading,"  showing  how 
discriminating  chemicals  and  batteries  are.  By  1908 
I  had  received   $924  in  royalties   at   50   cents   per 


copy,  the  publisher  acknowledging  his  profits  to  be 
$4620  on  $2.50  per  book,  less  17  cents  per  copy  co?t 
of  paper  and  binding,  as  well  as  presswork  and  every- 
things  else. 

in  other  words,  I  paid  all  the  expense  and  made 
$274  on  a  book  in  33  years'  sales ;  the  publisher  mak- 
ing $4300  on  the  same  book  by  his  own  account; 
and  how  much  more  is  only  conjectural,  for  an 
author  has  no  means  of  verifying  royalty  accounts 

Had  the  money  been  asked  to  guarantee  the  pub- 
lisher from  loss,  the  $650  would  have  had  to  be  re- 
turned to  me,  but  experience  taught  publishers  tricks 
worth  two  of  that,  for  by  absorbing  the  foolish  ad- 
vance as  "electrotyping  expense, '^  the  money  re- 
mains with  the  publisher. 

My  second  book,  '^Comparative  Physiology  and 
Psychology,"  I  also  brought  out  at  my  own  expense, 
the  book  house  whose  imprint  was  put  on  the  cover 
at  a  trifling  expense  for  advertising,  made  all  there 
was  to  be  made  out  of  the  book,  and  I  got  barely  my 
money  back  on  expense  of  printing,  etc. 

The  book  is  now  out  of  print,  and  I  was  asked 
three  times  its  original  selling  price  when  I  tried  to 
buy  a  copy  from  a  second  hand  dealer. 

'Next  came  my  "Artistic  Anatomy  and  the  Sci- 
ences Useful  to  the  Artist,"  lectures  delivered  at  the 
Art  Institute  in  Chicago  when  I  was  professor  of 
anatomy  there.  Three  publishers  were  mixed  up  in 
the  publishing  and  threatened  each  other  and  me 


with  lawsuits  and  the  plates  were  burned  in  a  print- 
ing house  fire,  the  '^American  Lithographer"  having, 
however,  printed  the  separate  lectures  serially. 

Then  my  ^^Spinal  Concussion"  was  brought  out 
in  a  very  handsome  shape  by  a  Philadelphia  publisher 
who  was  constantly  in  the  courts  as  a  bankrupt,  and 
he  induced  me  to  put  my  royalties  in  the  ^'Tarpon 
Springs  Improvement  Company,"  the  stock  of  which 
years  after,  with  other  evidences  I  placed  with  a  law- 
yer to  recover  something  for  me  out  of  the  swindle, 
but  he  ^^lost  the  papers." 

The  big  book  of  my  life,  my  "Medical  Jurispru- 
dence of  Insanity,"  grives  me  to  think  of. 

I  have  seen  this  work  in  two  large  volumes  on 
the  shelves  of  public  law  libraries  all  over  the  United 
States;  well  worn,  well  known  and  figuring  in  all 
important  suits,  criminal  and  civil;  often  several 
lawyers  on  both  sides  having  copies,  with  physicians 
owning  the  books  also;  though  the  name  improperly 
misled  them  into  supposing  it  was  a  law  book  only, 
when  by  thirty  years'  work  it  was  both  medical  and 
legal.  After  a  plan  of  my  own  the  clerks  of  the  law 
publishing  house  were  instructed  in  appending  com- 
mon law  decisions  to  my  chapters,  and  through  the 
book  I  commented  upon  the  legal  parts,  incorporating 
it  with  my  own  medical  work,  the  entire  arrange- 
ment being  original  with  me,  and  I  labored  months 
over  the  table  of  legal  cases  and  the  index,  which  I 
would  entrust  to  no  one. 

The  publisher  had  a  signature  like  a  picket  fence 


in  a  snow  storm,  a  chevaux  de  frise,  or  set  of  stalag*- 
mites  and  stalactities ;  an  egotistical  assumption  that 
the  earth  had  nothing  to  do  but  decipher  the  heiro- 
glyph.     A  species  of  paranoia. 

The  contract  gave  me  no  royalties  till  600  had 
been  sold ;  a  few  years  passed  and  I  occasionally  got 
a  few  dollars,  at  the  pleasure  and  figures  of  the  pub- 
lisher, surprisingly  increased  in  amount  at  times  by 
clerks,  on  the  absence  of  heads  of  the  house.  Such 
accidents  were  treated  as  mistakes  and  deductions 
were  made  from  the  next  time.  Honest  clerks  are  not 
in  the  confidence  of  the  principals,  always. 

Searching  for  some  medico-legal  information  I 
once  dropped  into  the  law  library  at  the  City  Hall 
in  Philadelphia,  and  when  I  asked  for  works  on 
medical  jurisprudence  of  insanity  the  genial  librarian 
placed  my  own  books  before  me  with  the  agreeable 
statement  that  lawyers  always  called  for  these 
volumes  as  the  best  on  the  subject.  These  copies 
were  dog  eared,  greasy,  thumb  worn.  "But,''  he  went 
on,  "here  is  something  recent  and  not  so  well  known." 

^N'oticing  the  names  on  the  cover  back,  "Wharton 
&  Stille,"  I  told  him  that  these  authors  were  dead 
long  ago,  and  that  their  work  was  antiquated  and 
worthless,  and  in  the  first  place  neither  of  them  knew 
anything  of  insanity,  one  being  a  good  chemist  and 
the  other  a  jurist. 

But,  to  my  amazement,  my  publisher  had  taken 
the  contents  of  my  "Jurisprudence"  and  put  it  into 
the  dead  men's  books,  utterly  plagiarizing  my  mater- 


ial  and  apparently,  in  some  instances,  printing  it 
from  the  same  plates ;  at  least  there  were  identical 
pages,  but  most  had  been  jumbled  to  avoid  recogni- 
tion, the  medical  part  especially  showing  inexper- 
ienced treatment;  ad  captandum  and  superficial  as 
though  some  tyro  had  engaged  to  edit  the  old  frauds 
into  life  and  had  made  a  monstrosity. 

A  lawyer  said  I  had  a  good  case  and  corres- 
ponded with  the  publisher,  finally  settling  things  to 
their  mutual  satisfaction,  but  as  I  was  not  in  their 
confidence  I  never  knew  how  the  matter  came  out. 

Royalties  were  immediately  lessened  still  fur- 
ther, though  I  knew  that  activity  had  been  made  in 
sales  through  an  exciting  insanity  inquiry  of  national 
interest.  Revenge  for  some  expense  seemed  to  be 
due  them,  and  despairing  of  ever  getting  anything 
more  from  the  work  I  offered  the  publisher  my  copy- 
right for  $1000.  It  was  worth  $10,000  if  a  cent. 
But  as  I  had  unwisely  mentioned  to  the  man  with 
the  worm  fence  signature  that  I  was  hard  up, 
he  forthwith  proceeded  to  ignore  my  letters 
for  six  months,  and  finally  haggled  down  to  a  hundred 
dollar  offer,  ending  triumphantly  by  sending  me  a 
check  for  two  hundred  dollars  for  trasferring  all  my 
right,  title  and  interest  in  a  book  that  had  been  built 
up  out  of  my  brain  and  blood,  so  to  speak ;  that  had 
cost  me  at  least  fifty  thousand  dollars  in  training,  ex- 
pense of  books,  travel  and  time  through  neglect  of 
other  means  of  earning  while  accumulating  the 
materials  and  writing  it.     Indeed,  my  small  sanitar- 


ium  went  to  smash  while  putting  the  book  in  shape 
for  printing ;  the  dead  beats  getting  in  big  board  bills, 
happy  in  seeing  what  an  absent  minded  ass  had  charge 
of  them. 

Later  works  of  mine  were  published  by  the 
Evolution  Publishing  Company,  of  Atlantic  City, 
'New  Jersey,  which  I  organized  imder  the  laws  of  that 
State,  and  business  relations  between  author  and  pub- 
lisher are  now  as  they  should  be,  and  I  hope  to  build 
up  an  institution  that  will  be  a  credit  to  the  country 
in  introducing  strictly  honest  methods  into  the  pub- 
lishing business,  to  the  complete  satisfaction  of 
authors.  "Respectable  and  important  concerns''  need 
check  systems  on  their  affairs  with  customers  just 
as  corporations  have  bell  registers  for  those  they  hire. 

Of  course  you  have  your  redress  in  law. 

If  you  had  seen  what  I  have  through  thirty  years' 
familiarity  with  courts,  judges  and  lawyers  in  Chi- 
cago, you  would  not  be  able  to  smile  any  wider,  unless 
you  set  your  ears  back,  over  that  advice. 

Publishers  know  the  helplessness  of  authors  and 
are  appropriately  known  as  wolves. 

If  publishers  and  book  dealers  ever  tell  you  that 
they  don't  know  anything  bout  this  book  you  can  guess 
the  reason. 

Publishers  claim  they  lose  money  on  many  poor 
books.  They  do  not  consider  that  it  is  because  of 
their  imbecile  judgment  in  passing  uiDon  books  they 
fancy  are  suitable  for  publication.  I^ine-tenths  of 
the  publishers  would  have  refused  manuscript  froni 

:t^ORTUNES    IN    BOOKS  158 

Shakespeare,  Milton,  Goethe,  Schiller,  Tom  Hood,  or 
others  equally  liable  to  make  fortunes  for  them,  and 
money  making  is  the  only  incentive  they  have  to  brino' 
out  any  book.  They  have  not  even  the  business  saga- 
city that  corresponds  with  their  business  rapacity 
to  discern  the  public  inclination  to  buy  certain  books ; 
they  are  always  astonished  when  a  book  proves  popu- 
lar, wondering  what  the  buyers  can  see  in  a  thing 
they  put  forth  reluctantly,  and  if  they  do  make  money 
out  of  what  they  have  murdered  the  author  for,  by 
screwing  the  life  out  of  him  on  the  price,  and  insult- 
ing him  by  striking  out  parts  and  inserting  foolish 
things  of  their  own,  they  then  plume  themselves  on 
their  sagacity.  But  we  should  hear  the  Goldsmiths, 
the  Thackerays  and  Carlyles  as  to  that.  Jeffries 
slashed  Carlyle's  writings  and  made  changes  till  he 
finally  refused  them  altogether  as  not  good  enough 
for  the  Edinburgh  Review. 

I  saw  a  little  work  on  the  relations  of  author  and 
publisher  written  by  one  of  the  latter  class,  and  you 
would  think  publishers  were  all  good  and  righteous 
men,  who  die  poor,  and  that  all  authors  are  unreason- 
able folks.  Why  then  do  publishers  tax  what  is  left 
of  themselves  by  cirrhosis  and  nephritis,  induced  by 
eating  and  drinking  up  poor  authors,  to  smell  out 
another  possible  fortune  through  beating  another 
jackass  genius  out  of  his  life-work? 

Who  are  these  pot-bellied  minotaurs  or  baby-eat- 
ing crocodiles,  arrogating  to  themselves  the  right  to 
pass  upon  what  the  public  shall  read? 

154  TV^   tN   A   doctor's    LTFi) 

Suppose  the  man  who  made  your  boxes  to  move 
your  goods  in  demanded  ninety  per  cent,  of  their 
contents,  or  often  stole  all  the  contents.  Imagine  the 
farmer  sending  his  goods  to  market  and  the  truck- 
ster  getting  all  the  money,  flinging  the  overworked 
jay  what  he  pleased.  But  the  commission  merchant 
sometimes  does  this  very  thing ;  lying  about  the  price 
of  sales;  saying  that  goods  were  spoiled  and  had  to 
be  thrown  away.  Goods  so  superior  that  he  had 
taken  extra  prices  for  them  from  purchasers. 

Fancy  the  writer,  hat  in  hand,  approaching  the 
frowning  potentate,  surfeited  on  the  brains  of  the  very 
author  before  him,  and  being  insolently  asked  what 
in  blazes  he  wanted  now;  imagine  the  author  meekly 
saying  that  he  did  not  know  what  was  due  him  on 
royalties,  whether  it  was  five  cents  or  five  thousand 
dollars,  and  had  come  to  inquire 

"Why,  five  cents,  of  course,  and  wipe  your 
feet  when  you  enter  the  presence  of  a  gentle- 
man again." 

This  is  "Business,"  and  the  next  scene  is  where 
he  chuckles  over  how  he  bluffed  the  sucker,  when  he 
had  thousands  due  the  poor  fellow,  over  and  above 
the  hundreds  of  thousands  he  had  made  from  the 
sucker's  books. 

Eeviews  from  being  formerly  vindictive  and 
churlish  are  now  inane,  idiotic. 

Write  your  own  review,  and  in  most  cases  if  it 
accompany  the  book  it  will  be  printed  as  you  wrote  it. 
I  tried  this  once  with  a  work  of  mine  and  ninety-five 

t'OETUNES    IIT    BOOKS  155 

per  cent,  of  the  reviewers  had  been  saved  the  fatigue 
of  getting  up  any  remarks. 

A  ten  year  old  school  boy  could  have  written  more 
sensibly  about  my  "Comparative  Psychology''  than 
did  a  little  politician  who  wanted  to  praise  it  and  did 
not  know  enough  chemistry  to  prevent  his  confusing 
the  formula  of  common  water  with  that  of  sulphuric 
acid,  when  he  was  assistant  editor  of  the  "Journal  of 
the  American  Medical  Association"  m  1884. 

I  have  seen  numbers  of  "reviewers"  try  to  read 
"Uncut  pages  here  and  there  in  a  book,  saying  "I  spose 
I  have  to  say  something  about  this  thing,  and  I  don't 
know  anything  about  the  matter,"  before  he  hurried 
the  book  to  the  second  hand  dealer.  Clerks  reviewing 
scientific  works ! 


In  old  times  Dyche's  drug  store  was  the  meeting 
place  for  doctors  and  the  waiting  place  for  horse  car 
passengers,  and  the  drug  clerks  got  up  flirtations 
occasionally  with  casual  customers,  and  gujed  each 
other  unmercifully  over  some  of  the  comicalities  hap- 
pening. An  elderly  beauty  fell  in  love  with  a  boy 
behind  the  counter  and  the  other  clerks  stole  the  love 
letters  and  read  them  to  the  public. 

One  day  Dr.  Baxter,  a  good  surgeon,  and  Dr. 
Quine,  a  famous  therapeutist,  were  talking  at  Dyche's 
when  I  entered.  Baxter  at  once  asked  me  what  was  the 
trouble  out  at  the  insane  asylum  that  telephone  mes- 
sages were  not  taken  to  the  doctors.  He  said  that  he 
had  tried  to  reach  me  quickly  to  serve  as  an  expert 
on  the  insanity  issue  in  Wilbur  F.  Story's  will  con- 
test, but  politicians  at  the  asylum  from  pure  malice 
would  not  notify  me  about  messages. 

Expert  fees  were  a  hundred  dollars  a  day,  and 
this  contest  lasted  some  weeks,  so  as  the  saloon  keepers 
were  not  friendly  to  me  they  revenged  themselves  for 
my  denunciations  of  their  thievery  by  chopping  me 
out  of  considerable  business. 

But  Baxter  made  the  remark  that  no  one  knew 


anything  about  insanity,  anyway,  and  my  friend 
Quine  was  inclined  to  agree  with  him.  Either  one 
or  the  other  of  these  able  practitioners  told  of  a 
judge  turning  to  him  on  the  witness  stand  saying, 
when  a  question  of  sanity  came  up :  ^'Doctor,  I  don't 
know  anything  about  insanity;  do  you?"  and  the 
witness  acknowledged  that  he  did  not;  and  it  was 
bad  enough  at  that  stage,  but  my  dander  began  to 
assert  itself  when  there  was  mutual  agreement  ap- 
plauded by  bystanding  physicians  that  no  one  else 
knew  anything  about  insanity,  either. 

For  about  half  an  hour  those  innocents  got  an 
opinion  of  such  rank  assertions  based  on  the  fact 
that  while  surgery  and  certain  recognized  branches 
of  medicine  had  grown  scientific  and  eifective 
through  the  studies  of  intellectual  men,  it  was  an 
evidence  of  the  relativity  of  knowledge  that  there 
should  be  confessions  of  ignorance  of  what  was  being 
accomplished  in  collateral  fields,  and,  worst  of  all, 
such  gross  ignorance  as  to  be  unaware  of  how  ignorant 
they  were;  well  educated  jurists,  eminent  surgeons 
and  physicians  making  such  abominably  degrading 
admissions  and  unjustified  assertions. 

In  these  early  80's  it  was  quite  an  honor  to  be 
called  into  court  as  an  expert  on  any  question.  Of 
course  an  expert  can  be  such  in  any  line  of  business 
or  profession,  and  the  medical  expert  is  but  one  sort 
of  the  specially  skilled  or  informed  who  appeared  in 
court  to  give  testimony  on  his  opinion. 

In  the  course  of  thirty  years  familiarity  with  the 

158  FUN    IN   A   doctor's   LIFE 

courts  and  lawyers  of  this  entire  country  what  I  have 
observed  in  the  way  of  evolution  and  involution 
makes  me  feel  as  though  I  had  been  present  through 
centuries  of  getting  at  the  true  inwardness  of  '^equity, 
justice,  law,"  and  at  the  time  I  began  as  an  expert  in 
insanity  and  nervous  diseases  it  seemed  to  me  pos- 
sible for  one  to  testify  and  preserve  his  self  respect; 
courts  were  fair,  lawyers  had  regard  for  genuine 
learning,  juries  were  innocent  fellows,  witnesses  were 
really  such,  and  research  had  a  recognized  place  in 
what  all  in  the  court  room  listened  to.  ^N'otwith- 
standing  the  fact  that  brow-beating  and  trickery  ex- 
isted to  some  extent  even  then,  the  proceedings  had 
not  advanced  to  what  we  can  now  see.  Though  the 
witness  was  sworn  to  tell  ^^the  truth,  the  whole  truth, 
and  nothing  but  the  truth,''  and  both  sides  did  all 
they  could  to  keep  you  from  doing  so,  and  had  you 
insisted  on  it  the  court  would  have  sent  you  to  jail, 
witnesses  were  not  the  abject  things  now  to  be  seen 
and  heard  in  many  courts,  made  such  by  the  changes 
for  the  worse  I  have  noted  through  the  past  quarter 

I  have  known  judges  trying  men  for  their  lives 
on  the  issue  of  insanity,  to  suppress  ev^idence  through 
their  leaning  to  the  side  of  popular  clamor,  just  as 
Pontias  Pilate  did  when  Eome,  and  not  the  Jews,  as 
claimed,  executed  an  innocent  man  as  a  criminal. 

That  celebrated  truckler  washed  his  hands  liter- 
ally and  figuratively  of  responsibility  by  throwing  it 
upon  some  one  else,  as  the  modem  judge  may  blame 


the  law  for  his  decision,  when  he  may  make  a  per- 
verted interpretation  of  that  same  law  to  favor  the 

A  judge  on  the  bench  in  Chicago  berated  a  lawyer 
for  his  rascally  adroitness  in  forcing  decisions  upon 
the  notice  of  the  court  so  that  injustice  would  have  to 
be  done.  The  law  giving  him  no  alternative  to  decide 
as  his  inclinations  prompted.  Those  initiated  knew 
the  judge  held  a  roll  of  money  in  his  pocket  with  one 
hand  while  he  gesticulated  his  indignation  with  the 
other  hand. 

One  of  the  first  hints  I  experienced  of  the  way 
things  were  tending  with  the  expert  business  was  in 
a  recess  of  the  court  when  a  case  of  head  injury  re- 
sponsibility was  on  trial  and  I  had  refused  to  go 
beyond  rigid  adherence  to  truth  concerning  the  effects 
of  such  injuries,  as  that  one  might  have  a  serious 
appearing  wound  of  the  head  and  yet  escape  insan- 
ity therefrom.  The  lawyer  wanted  me  to  say  that 
insanity  was  inevitable  in  such  accidents  and 
I  told  him  I  would  not  make  an  ass  of  myself 
in  any  such  way.  He  turned  on  me  with  the 
angry  declaration  that:  ^'You  think  more  of  your 
damned  reputation  than  you  do  of  our  winning 
the  case!" 

I  told  him  I  would  be  proud  of  a  certificate  to 
that  effect  in  writing  and  signed  by  him. 

But  I  had  plenty  of  the  esprit  du  corps,  for  once 
engaging  in  a  case  and  being  convinced  that  I  was 
on  the  right  side  I  assisted  the  lawyers  by  all  justi- 


fiable  nutans  to  win  it.  Often  even  putting  myself 
in  the  background,  as  few  experts  are  willing  to  do, 
in  unifying  the  subordinate  experts'  testimony. 
Sometimes  inexperienced  physicians  were  illy  up  in 
the  specialties  and  were  likely  to  ventilate  their  crude 
and  erroneous  notions  on  such  matters  when  testify- 
ing, to  the  delight  of  opponents,  and  I  made  it  a  rule 
to  test  the  knowledge  of  such  doctors  and  post  them 
on  the  literature  of  whatever  aspect  of  insanity  or 
nervous  diseases  happened  to  be  in  question. 

Once  in  an  important  case  there  was  an  old  real 
estate  dealer  who  had  been  a  country  doctor,  and 
according  to  his  neighbors  he  had  forgotten  more 
medicine  than  lots  of  doctors  ever  knew.  I  never  saw 
the  sense  of  urging  such  a  statement  as  a  reason  for 
employing  the  forgetter,  for  the  same  may  be  said  of 
a  dement  or  a  dead  man.  But  the  dear  people  have 
their  old  saws  to  cling  to  in  lieu  of  logic,  and  they 
save  brain  work. 

Well,  this  old  real  estate  dealer  had  attended  a 
spinal  injury  case  and  knew  as  much  about  it  as  a 
hog  does  of  Sunday,  and  the  knowledge  never  was 
attainable  for  him,  because  the  whole  matter  of  spinal 
anatomy  and  diseases  had  evolved  since  he  left  the 
practice  of  medicine  for  his  lots,  houses  and  acres 

He  had  to  be  brought  into  the  case  anyway, 
whether  we  relished  it  or  not,  so  I  took  the  old  chap  in 
hand  and  polished  him  up  until  he  was  stuffed  with 
modem  knowledge  of  the  spine  and  its  disorders. 


Quizzing  him  till  he  rolled  things  off  like  a  parrot, 
and  his  head  visibly  swelled  in  the  process. 

One  of  the  first  things  I  impressed  upon  him  was 
to  be  able  to  answer  promptly  certain  catch  questions 
invariably  asked  in  these  contests,  particularly  by  rail- 
way surgeons  who  have  a  stock  job  lot  of  misinforma- 
tion bunched  with  a  few  real  points  in  histology  or 
seldom  used  anatomy.  One  of  these  questions  related 
to  how  far  down  the  back  the  spinal  cord  extended, 
some  being  inclined  to  run  it  into  the  sacrum  or  even 
the  coccyx,  and  plenty  of  ^ ^successful"  practitioners 
would  not  know  but  that  it  went  to  the  heels. 

On  the  witness  stand  the  venerable  Dr.  Realestate 
looked  as  though  he  knew  everything,  and  in  came  a 
railway  surgeon  who  bent  over  the  attorney  for  the 
road  whispering,  and  I  remarked  to  the  plaintiff's 
lawyer,  "there  is  that  old  chestnut  coming,"  and  sure 
enough  the  railway  lawyer  on  cross  examination  at 
once  pompously  asked:  "Please  t^ll  the  jury  how  far 
down  the  back  the  spinal  cord  goes."  And  he 
promptly  and  properly  responded:  "To  about  the 
small  of  the  back,"  which  was  better  understood  than 
any  remarks  about  dorso-lumbar  junctions  or  second 
lumbar  vertebra. 

Through  the  direct  and  cross  examination  for 
hours  this  old  "forgetter"  shone  resplendant ;  some 
lesser  medical  witnesses  who  knew  vastly  more  than 
the  old  fraud  ever  had  known  played  second  fiddle 
to  him,  in  the  estimation  of  the  judge  and  jury,  and 
when  it  came  to  my  turn  I  felt  as  though  the  impres- 

102  FUN    IN    A    doctor's    IJFE 

sion  I  gave  in  this  orchestra  was  that  of  making  the 
best  music  I  knew  how  from  a  penny  whistle.  Every- 
one looked  bored. 

The  satisfaction  I  had  was  in  the  relative  size 
of  fees  for  the  medical  services,  mine  being  at  the 
rate  of  a  hundred  a  day,  the  others  twenty-five  dovni 
to  ten  dollars  daily.  Dr.  Realestate  being  in  the 
latter  class. 

One  of  the  characteristic  aggravations  of  such 
contests  being  that  while  the  lawyer  on  my  side  knew 
precisely  what  the  relative  importance  of  our  services 
was;  that  the  "great  experts''  were  manufactured, 
and  though  no  lies  had  been  uttered  things  were  not 
at  all  as  they  seemed,  for  the  insignificant  experts 
were  the  ones  who  did  all  the  real  work  in  the  case 
and  pretty  polls  came  off  with  the  admiration;  the 
confounded  tricky  attorney  had  the  impudence  to 
suggest  that  my  fees  should  be  cut  to  the  level  of 
the  others,  considering  the  mere  corroborative  testi- 
mony I  gave  in  court,  the  others  going  into  main 
details,  also  when  I  was  at  his  elbow  prompting  him 
on  every  medical  examination  question. 

My  Irish  got  the  better  of  me  and  a  repetition  of 
the  suggestion  he  felt  would  be  dangerous. 

Among  several  very  honest  judges  I  recall  Walter 
Q.  Gresham,  who  became  fond  of  me  during  the 
years  I  appeared  in  his  court,  and  he  once  charged  a 
federal  jury  to  rely  upon  statements  I  had  made  as 
to  the  worth  of  electrical  tests  of  muscles  and  nerves 
in  determining  the  extent  and  probable  outcome  of 


paralysis,  as  he  had  always  found  my  testimony  to  be 
truthful,  a  statement  of  which  I  am  justly  proud,  all 
the  more  so  as  it  was  made  by  one  who  served  his 
country  as  a  general  ably  and  as  judge  and  secretary 
of  state  bore  the  highest  reputation.  He  was  known 
as  always  inclined  to  assist  the  weak  and  defenceless 
against  the  wicked  strong,  and  in  the  same  case  re- 
ferred to,  some  detectives  swore  that  they  had  trapped 
the  paralyzed  defendant  into  a  panel  game  where  the 
"indignant  husband"  entered  and  the  paralyzed  man 
walked  three  steps  as  the  detectives  claimed.  Judge 
Gresham  told  the  jury  that  immorality  of  a  defendant 
would  be  no  excuse  for  the  ^NTorthern  Pacific  railway 
crushing  this  man's  spine  by  their  negligence  in  not 
removing  an  overhanging  boulder  that  was  shaken 
from  a  hill  into  the  engine  where  the  plaintiff  was 

"You  need  not  believe  such  cattle,"  said  the 
judge,  "and  anyway,  the  circumstances  were  enough 
to  have  made  a  dead  man  walk!" 

The  expert  service  brought  me  into  several  States 
though  most  of  the  attendance  was  upon  federal  and 
superior  courts  in  Chicago.  In  Ohio  I  had  a  spinal 
injury  case  at  Zanesville  and  a  murder  case  at  Fre- 
mont. The  first  was  in  prosecuting  the  city  for  a 
sewer  left  open  into  which  a  citizen  fell  and  was 
badly  hurt,  the  trial  dragged  through  several  sessions 
and  we  finally  won.  My  book  on  spinal  concussion 
had  been  out  for  some  years  by  that  time.  One  of 
the  incidents  in  the  trial  being  that  I  had  observed 

a  physician  for  the  city  fooling  a  pulse  with  his 
thumb,  and  when  he  took  the  stand  advised  the 
plaintiif's  attorney  to  have  the  doctor  show  the  court 
how  ho  f(  It  a  pulse.  It  discredited  the  poor  fellow's 
testimony  greatly,  but  he  learned  physiology  in  a  way 
not  likely  to  be  forgotten, — or  forgiven. 

The  other  Ohio  case  was  conducted  by  Mr. 
Withey,  the  prosecuting  attorney  for  the  county  Fre- 
mont is  in.  This  is  where  ex-presidcnt  Hayes  re- 
sided, and  his  mansion  is  about  as  queer  a  looking 
barracks  as  I  ever  saw.  But  maybe  he  intended  it 
for  a  public  charity  institution,  as  it  resembles  one 
closely  in  its  uniformity  of  windows,  doors  and 
plain  front  with  a  multitude  of  rooms. 

The  murderer  had  blovni  up  the  father-in-law  he 
hoped  to  have  with  dynamite,  because  the  old  man 
sent  him  away  from  persecuting  his  daughter. 

The  prisoner  I  found  to  be  a  typical  degenerate 
and  wholly  irresponsible,  so  ordinarily  a  State's 
attorney  would  have  dropped  me  for  some  one  more 
inclined  to  hang  the  culprit,  but  Withey  asked  me  if 
there  was  any  procedure  that  could  be  adopted  in- 
stead of  an  effort  to  execute  him,  and  the  upshot  of  the 
conference  was  that  we  arranged  a  programme  that 
our  consciences  approved  and  yet  enabled  us  to  do 
our  duty  by  the  State  of  Ohio. 

The  deed  itself  was  proven  by  the  State,  consum- 
ing much  time,  but  the  cross  examination  was  evi- 
dently directed  to  the  insanity  defense,  and  the 
attorneys  for  the  prisoner  were  puzzled  over  Withey 


not  bothering  much  about  that  aspect  on  re-direct 
examination  of  State  witnesses  or  cross-examination 
of  defence  witnesses. 

I  was  treated  to  the  spectacle  of  a  most  excellent 
local  surgeon,  who  was  a  credit  to  his  town  on  modern 
bacteriology  and  general  medicine,  taking  the  witness 
stand  and  ventilating  himself  of  the  most  childish 
nonsense  regarding  insanity,  ^ot  a  single  author 
worth  reading  on  that  subject  did  he  know,  and  it 
left  the  impression  that  the  expert  fee  had  induced 
him  to  venture  beyond  his  depth  and  he  was  pulled 
out  nearly  drowned  by  the  information  that  deluged 
him  through  cross-examination. 

But  the  event  of  the  trial  was  the  silent  accept- 
ance by  Withey  of  all  that  bore  upon  the  degeneracy 
of  the  prisoner  while  discrediting  the  ideas  of  insan- 
ity as  put  forth  by  the  misinformed  witnesses  for  the 
defence,  such  as  epilepsy,  paranoia,  etc.  Finally, 
when  I  took  the  stand  and  admitted  that  the  slayer 
was  not  only  a  degenerate  but  irresponsible,  the  de- 
fence in  a  burst  of  fear  that  wind  had  been  taken 
out  of  their  sails  broke  out  with:  ^^Then,  admitting 
the  degeneracy  and  irresponsibility  of  the  accused, 
you  would  favor  his  being  hanged,  would  you  ?" 

"]N'o  sir,  by  no  means." 

"What,  then  you  think  he  should  be  imprisoned 
for  life?" 

"Yes,  but  not  in  a  penitentiary." 

"Please  explain  what  you  mean  by  such  contra- 

166  T'UN   IN   A   DOCTOR^S   LII^EJ 

^^AYell,  as  the  man  is  irresponsible  and  dangerods 
to  society  while  at  large/'  I  explained,  "he  should  bef 
kept  from  harming  others  in  future  in  a  suitable 
place  for  criminal  insane." 

Withey  told  the  lawyer  he  gave  him  an  oppor- 
tunity to  earn  his  fees  by  not  springing  the  sensa-» 
tional  admission  too  soon,  but  like  Job,  he  refused  to 
be  comforted  and  sought  sarcasm  for  vengeance. 

ITeither  Withey  nor  I  believed  in  capital  punish- 
ment, and  we  agreed  that  the  prisoner  was  too  irre- 
sponsible to  be  sent  to  the  penitentiary,  but  it  was  the 
prosecutor's  duty  to  present  all  there  was  in  the  case 
to  the  jury  for  their  consideration  and  disposal. 

How  much  better  this  was  than  the  usual  vindic- 
tive, narrow  minded  insistence  upon  hanging  any- 
body and  everybody  accused  whether  guilty  or  not, 
insane  or  not,  merely  to  make  a  record  of  many  con- 
victions to  offset  the  releases  of  rascally  rich  in  some 
instances.  We  can't  let  everybody  off,  so  we  will  only 
liberate  those  who  pay. 

Like  the  man  who  did  not  invite  his  father  and 
mother  to  his  wedding,  because  "the  line  has  to  be 
drawn  somewhere,  we  can't  invite  everybody." 

Summoned  to  the  defence  of  a  murderer  at  She- 
boygan, Wisconsin,  I  was  unprepared  to  find  the 
prisoner  playing  cards  at  a  saloon  while  on  parole. 
There  was  no  death  penalty  in  that  State,  but  I  do^ 
not  even  now  comprehend  how  the  old  farmer  could 
have  been  "paroled"  under  the  circumstances. 

On  the  trial  it  was  shown  that  he  left  food  out  o^ 


doors  for  the  fairies,  as  was  done  in  Ireland,  among 
other  things  indicating  a  mental  twist  and  the  State's 
attorney  wanted  to  know  if  acting  upon  a  generally 
accepted  belief  as  the  Irish  peasantry  did  was  evidence 
of  insanity.  When  such  superstition  was  adhered  to 
in  this  century  and  distance  from  where  it  was  com- 
mon, and  in  spite  of  all  the  means  of  enlightenment 
that  could  be  in  America,  I  regarded  retention  of 
such  a  fancy  and  especially  acting  upon  it  as  no 
evidence  of  mental  soundness  to  say  the  least. 

An  expert  in  this  trial  defined  insanity  as  a  dis- 
ease of  the  brain  affecting  the  mind,  causing  the 
person  to  think,  feel  and  act  differently  from 

I  had  him  asked  if  he  were  set  down  on  a  pin,  or 
the  middle  of  China,  suddenly,  if  he  would  not  act, 
think  and  feel  that  way,  and  if  insanity  did  not  exist 
without  brain  disease,  and  brain  disease  exist  without 
insanity  ? 

Some  years  later  I  heard  this  same  definition  at 
■a  medical  society  meeting  in  Boston,  only  the  last 
part  included  the  words  "causing  the  person  to  act, 
think  and  feel  differently  from  what  could  be  expected 
from  the  training,  heredity  and  education  of  the 

In  the  discussion  I  cited  the  instance  of  Father 
Mabillon,  mentioned  by  Winslow,  who  was  born  an 
-idiot  in  a  family  of  idiots,  and  who  fell  down  stairs, 
^cracking  his  skull  and  developed  from  idiocy  into  a 
genius  in  memory  and  intellect. 

1G8  FUN   IN   A   doctor's   LTFK 

!N^nw  this  was  not  what  was  to  be  (^xpectod  from 
previous  training,  heredity  or  education  of  the  idiot, 
and  was  an  instance  of  sanity  included  in  the  very 
definition  offered  for  insanity. 

The  ( ssayist  on  the  '^Criteria  of  Insanity,"  who 
suggested  the  deiiniti()n,  was  the  first  to  laugh,  then  the 
chairman  and  finally  the  entire  assembly  of  physi- 
cians, among  whom  were  the  two  doctors  Jelly,  the 
alienists,  who  will  remember  the  matter. 

Which  carries  me  back  to  Loomis'  definition  of 
ball  lightning  that  amused  the  signal  service  sergeants 
so  much  in  old  times :  "Ball  lightning  is  an  agglomera- 
tion of  ponderable  substances,  in  a  state  of  great  tenu- 
ity, highly  charged  with  electricity.'^ 

The  fact  is  insanity  or  sanity  can  no  more  be  suffi- 
ciently defined  than  can  life,  health  or  disease,  and  it 
is  not  worth  while  to  attempt  to  define  it.  Lawyers 
can  bother  you  on  any  trial  if  you  advance  a  defini- 
tion of  anything,  especially  insanity.  I  always  dis- 
missed it  as  "an  absence  of  sanity." 

At  a  murder  trial  in  JanesvillCj  Wisconsin,  the 
result  was  satisfactory  to  the  parties  who  had  engaged 
me,  in  acquitting  a  half-witted  victim  of  a  scoundrel. 
She  had  disposed  of  her  infant,  but  we  showed  her 
complete  inability  to  comprehend  the  offence  in  any 
way.  Her  uncle  paid  a  fine  of  $500  on  a  technicality 
by  pleading  guilty,  and  escaping  the  uncertain  consid- 
eration of  a  jury.  Though  it  was  too  bad  to  punish 
the  uncle  in  saving  the  imbecile,  I  felt  happy  about 
the  way  the  case  terminated,  not  but  that  a  better  dis- 

Degraded  expert  business  169 

posal  could  have  been  made  of  it;  and  joked  the  little 
newsboy  while  waiting  for  a  train,  having  bought  a 
few  papers  noticing  the  trial;  I  then  asked  him  for 
tomorrow's  paper.  He  said  it  was  not  out  yet  but  he 
could  get  it  when  it  was  out.  I  offered  him  a  dollar 
for  a  copy  if  he  gave  it  to  me  today.  "Where  will 
you  be  tomorrow  ?''  he  asked. 

''In  Chicago,  I  suppose,"  I  replied. 
"You  leave  the  dollar  and  I  will  send  it  to  you.'^ 
"That  isn't  the  thing,  for  I  want  it  today." 
As   I  climbed  on  the  train  the  newsboy  called 
out  to  the  conductor;  "Say,  you  wanter  look  out  fer 
that   feller,   hez  plumb  crazy!"      So   the   boy   inno- 
cently returned  the  joke  on  me,   and  probably  has 
often  told  what  a  durn  fool  once  asked  him  to  do. 

In  a  trial  in  Council  Bluffs,  Iowa,  I  had  to  over* 
come  the  sinister  appearance  of  a  provokingly  big 
stye  in  my  eye  while  testifying  in  a  spinal  injury 
case,  and  was  telling  of  a  new  German  test  of  pain 
in  the  heart  acceleration  when  pressure  was  made  on 
the  alleged  painful  spot.  Someway  the  railway 
attorney  had  been  well  posted  and  had  hit  upon  a 
remarkable  ability  to  increase  the  action  of  his  heart 
at  will,  probably  by  holding  his  breath,  and  the 
laugh  was  on  me  when  I  exhibited  surprise,  for  no 
mention  of  such  a  contingency  had  appeared  in  our 
medical  literature  before,  but  I  took  the  news  to 
Chicago  and  the  experts  handled  Mankopf's  objec- 
tive test  of  a  subjective  symptom  very  gingerly  after 
that  story  got  around  among  my  medical  friends* 

VtO  FUN   IN   A  doctor's   LIF^ 

At  Lincoln,  I^ebraska,  the  State  engaged  me  to 
look  after  the  insanity  claim  of  a  man  who  shot 
a  prominent  banker  for  invading  his  home.  I  knew 
the  man  would  be  acquitted  but  merely  testified  as 
to  the  transitory  frenzy  plea,  which  was  rank  non- 
sense in  that  instance,  for  the  shooter  remembered 
everything  and  was  provoked  beyond  endurance. 
The  defence  sagely  secured  a  jury  of  farmers  every 
One  of  whom  had  daughters. 

As  the  hypothetical  question  was  used  it  was  not 
necessary  to  refer  to  the  testimony  in  this  case  but 
only  to  the  garbled  portions  the  lawyers  on  each  side 
selected  to  pass  upon  while  withholding  facts  telling 
against  his  side. 

Excuse  me  for  taking  a  fling  at  this  hypothetical 
case  barbarism,  I  can't  resist  a  chance  to  howl  down 
a  wrong  in  or  out  of  season,  and  of  all  the  legal  fic- 
tions that  hypothetical  presentation  to  witnesses  is 
the  most  imbecile  and  does  the  most  injustice  to 
everybody  in  the  court  room.  For  the  expert  is 
hampered  from  considering  real  facts  as  they  have 
been  brought  out  in  the  contest  at  expense  to  both 
sides,  and  the  jury  are  bewildered  and  lose  their 
respect  for  the  sanity  of  law  proceedings,  when  they 
are  told  to  disregard  anything  a  witness  says  about 
the  real  issue  and  to  only  consider  the  fictitious 
assemblage  of  stories  bearing  as  far  away  from  the 
truth  as  possible,  the  judge  is  rendered  more  illogi- 
"cal  by  trying  to  excuse  such  nonsense,  the  witnesses 
are  justified  in  their  contempt  of  such  jackass  capers 


oii  the  part  of  counsel,  as  shutting  out  any  thing  but 
fairy  stories,  and  it  is  a  toss  up  if  plaintiff  or  defen- 
dant will  be  harmed  the  most  by  this  suppression  of 
reality  and  substitution  of  lies,  verbiage,  false  con- 
dusions  and  adroitness.  As  well  propound:  ^'If  the 
boat  is  two  hundred  feet  long,  and  the  flagstaff  sixty 
feet  high,  how  old  is  the  captain  ?" 

To  relieve  the  boredom  of  sitting  in  court  while 
attorneys  are  wrangling  physicians  present  are  apt 
to  talk  among  themselves,  sonietimes  above  the 
whisper  customary  in  such  places. 

In  a  sidewalk  injury  case,  Drs.  Baxter,  Church 
and  I  wei'e  in  attendance  before  Judge  Ketelle,  an 
able,  conscientious  man.  Mr.  Bottom  was  the  city 
attorney,  and  both  he  and  the  judge  had  high  pitched 
squeaky  voices,  so  when  in  arguing  a  motion  and  the 
court  was  passing  upon  it,  both  of  them  excitedly, 
their  falsetto  high  octaves,  one  a  note  or  so  below 
the  other,  sounded  funny  enough  and  reminded  me  of 
a  story  but  Church  told  the  sequel  to  it,  and  not  notic-^ 
ing  that  eyes  were  fastened  on  us  and  ears  were 
cocked,  we  gave  the  impression  of  mimicking  the 
speech  that  amused  us,  but  we  were  merely  telling 
of  similar  instances  of  tenors  and  altos,  and  as  we 
three  snorted  sitting  immediately  in  front  of  the 
throne,  we  suddenly  became  aware  of  indignant 
glares  from  the  bench  and  bar,  and  for  a  few 
moments  felt  as  though  twenty-five  dollars  at  least 
Was  about  to  leave  each  of  our  pockets  for  the  les^ 
majeste  called  contempt  of  court.- 

172  Vvn   TN   A   nOOtOR^S    LIFE 

The  bailiff  has  the  most  importance  in  a  court 
room,  particularly  if  promoted  from  being  a  bar- 
room '^bouncer,"  with  the  decadence  of  republican 
and  democratic  simplicity  the  judges  have  assumed 
gowns  and  are  working  toward  bag  wigs  and  wool 
sacks.  Some  courts  even  have  all  in  attendance  rise 
as  the  judge  enters.  An  old  Jersey  judge,  however, 
is  said  to  preserve  miostentatious  manners  bordering 
on  the  undignified  to  such  an  extent  that  he  has 
opened  court  by  calling  to  the  bailiff:  "Say,  Bill, 
take  that  damned  thing  of  yours  and  rap  this  court 
to  order!"  He  would  comment  on  the  foolishness  of 
wearing  a  "Mother  Hubbard"  in  court  on  hot  days. 

Judge  Goggin,  of  Chicago,  was  a  genial  chap  of 
that  sort.  Once  in  a  case  where  a  lady  was  injured 
by  falling  though  a  sidewalk,  an  attorney  named  Case 
was  questioning  me  about  books  I  had  written,  when 
Goggin  interrupted  with:  "ISTever  mind  telling  the 
jury  about  books,  though  as  Bobby  Burns  says :  "  'a 
book's  a  book,  although  there's  nothing  in  it."  Any 
one  can  write  books,  and  it's  no  measure  of  ability. 
1  wrote  one  myself  once  and  paid  $150  to  have  it 
printed.  Besides  Puterbaugh  wrote  a  Practice  of 
Law  that  got  lawyers  in  jail  for  following  its 

The  Irish  attorney,  promptly  with  the  quick  wit 
of  his  people,  replied:  "And  so  has  the  Bible,  yer 

When  Clarence  Darrow  was  attorney  for  the 
Chicago  and  Xorthwestcrn  railway  he  appointed  me 


neurologist  for  the  road,  and  settled  claims  fairly  on 
my  advice,  but  a  new  administration  threw  us  out  and 
fought  all  damage  suits,  just  or  unjust. 

The  ISTorthern  Pacific  had  the  reputation  of  re- 
fusing to  buy  a  coffin  for  one  it  had  run  over. 

A  pin-head  lawyer  advised  his  particular  railway 
company  to  influence  the  selection  of  members  of  the 
supreme  court  favorable  to  the  road,  so  that  when 
judgments  were  appealed  they  would  be  reversed. 
And  some  of  the  Illinois  decisions  read  as  though  that 
advice  may  have  been  acted  upon. 

A  young  Jew  was  indicted  for  stealing  a  horse 
and  his  cousin,  an  attorney,  engaged  me  to  pass  upon 
the  sanity  of  the  prisoner.  On  the  trial  I  gave  the 
judge  full  reasons  for  declaring  the  man  to  be  an 
imbecile,  and  the  judge  asked  me  if  there  was  any 
further  aspect  of  the  case  that  would  assist  the  jury 
in  finding  the  man  to  be  mentally  unsound. 

"Yes,  your  honor,"  I  added,  "the  fact  that  the 
prisoner  is  a  Hebrew." 

This  took  the  court  aback,  and  puzzled  others  till 
I  explained  that  it  was  far  from  characteristic  of 
Jews  to  acquire  horses  that  way.  Sane  Hebrews 
could  secure  property  in  much  safer  business  trans- 

The  attorney  asked  me  to  give  him  a  receipt  for 
one  hundred  dollars  for  expert  services,  which  he 
would  send  to  Germany  as  evidence  of  the  expense  of 
the  suit,  and  when  the  relatives  remitted  he  would 
pay  me.  That  ended  the  transaction,  for  I  never  heard 


whether  they  had  remitted  or  not,  so  if  they  had 
done  so  the  relationship  was  in  keeping  with  my  re- 
marks that  there  were  safer  ways  to  skin  people  or 
cats  than  by  stealing  horses. 

Which  reminds  me  of  a  widow  who  brought  my 
bill  for  services  in  attending  her  husband  the  year 
previous  to  his  death  and  asked  me  to  please  receipt 
the  account  in  full,  as  the  judge  of  probate  required 
evidence  that  physicians  had  been  settled  with  be- 
fore handing  the  estate  over  to  her,  and  as  she  could 
only  get  money  when  the  estate  was  settled  she  would 
then  bring  me  the  pay.  I  obliged  her,  with  pleasure, 
and  six  months  after  asked  if  the  estate  had  been 
settled.  It  had.  In  surprise  I  asked  if  she  had  over- 
looked my  account. 

^^Why,  no,"  said  she,  and  looking  me  squarely  in 
the  eye,  "don't  you  remember,  you  gave  me  a  receipt 
in  full." 

I  have  acquired  considerable  psychological  infor- 
mation of  a  practical  sort,  but  hated  to  feel  flabber- 
gasted, if  that  expresses  it,  in  encountering  it. 

My  old  Quaker  friend  the  Commodore  out  West, 
used  to  say :  "The  more  I  know  about  men  the  better 
I  like  dogs!" 

Quite  a  series  of  incidents  following  my  testify- 
ing in  a  head  injury  case,  the  plaintiff  giving  me  a 
note  for  a  hundred  dollars,  which  was  not  paid  when 
due;  the  case  came  up  again  and  I  refused  to  attend 
court,  but  by  a  recent  brilliant  ruling  of  the  Illinois 
Supreme  Court  an  expert  in  medicine  could  be  com- 


pelled  to  serve  by  a  subpoena  and  give  expert  testi- 
mony without  compensation.  It  would  be  fun  to  see 
such  a  ruling  worked  on  lawyers  as  to  their  services 
in  expert  testifying.  So  I  went  and  repeated  the  pre- 
vious testimony,  as  the  lawyer  knew  I  would  do,  or 
would  not  have  run  the  risk  of  forcing  me  to  attend ; 
and  I  could  have  ruined  his  case  had  I  been  capable 
of  the  trickery  I  have  often  seen  in  proceedings.  I, 
even  then,  had  to  put  the  note  into  the  hands  of  a 
lawyer  to  collect,  which  he  did  and  charged  me  the 
hundred  dollars  for  doing  so.  Someone  asked  the 
stenographer  of  the  lawyer  if  she  thought  that  was 
fair,  and  on  her  saying  that  it  certainly  was,  the  gen- 
tleman remarked  to  her :  ^' You  must  be  in  receipt  of  a 
beautiful  salary." 

One  collecting  firm  used  to  keep  physicians'  ac- 
counts, doing  nothing  to  collect  them  and  finding  the 
doctor  had  got  money  on  them  immediately  force 
their  percentage  or  send  a  constable  for  it.  Among 
such  scamps  I  told  one  that  the  bill  he  had  been  hold- 
ing a  year  I  had  collected  myself  and  he  demanded 
half  of  it,  which  I  regarded  as  unjust,  and  it  ended 
in  my  paying  a  constable  twice  as  much  as  the  collec- 
tion that  I  had  made. 

Justice  courts  at  one  time  in  Chicago  were  burg- 
larious as  the  police  force  of  Philadelphia  became 

There  was  a  sensational  shooting  case  in  Chicago, 
where  a  banker  had  sought  a  divorce  from  the  shooter, 
and  she  plead  insanity.    I  was  in  the  trial  contesting 


the  insanity  issue  two  weeks  and  knew  enough  of  the 
banker  to  get  my  per  diem  every  morning  bef(jre  court 
opened.  I  sat  at  the  side  of  the  assistant  State's  attor- 
ney and  wrote  every  question  for  him  to  ask  the  ex- 
perts on  both  sides :  then  I  abstracted  the  evidence  for 
him  so  all  he  had  to  do  was  to  turn  over  the  pages  of 
the  abstract  to  get  at  every  word  on  record ;  and  even 
made  an  index  to  the  abstract. 

He  was  on  the  emotional  order,  fond  of  kneeling 
to  the  jury  with  camp  meeting  appeals  for  conviction. 
Logic  had  no  place  in  his  composition.  He  affected 
Napoleonic  poses  in  open  carriages,  wore  long  hair 
with  Byronic  collars,  and  was  very  much  "stuck  on 
himself"  generally. 

To  my  utter  disgust  the  abstract  was  not  even 
glanced  at,  but  he  went  off  into  objurgations,  calling 
the  defendant  a  vampire,  a  volcano,  an  anarchist,  and 
other  such  names ;  relying  upon  ' 'oratory"  rather  than 
common  sense  for  her  conviction.  His  "argument" 
would  alone  have  secured  her  acquittal. 

An  expert  witness  who  knew  everything  was  asked 
about  a  certain  author  on  insanity  whose  name  I  had 
never  heard  before,  but  the  omniscient  one  had,  and 
was  quite  familiar  with  the  case  that  the  lawyer  read 
from  the  book  of  the  author  mentioned.  The  lawyer 
then  plucked  some  written  pages  from  Hoyle  on 
games,  from  which  he  had  been  reading,  holding  the 
writing  up  as  a  fabrication  of  his  own. 

Another  smart  lawyer  was  well  crammed  on  anat- 
omy and  made  a  habit  of  quizzing  medical  witnesses 


thereon  whether  relevant  or  not.  Once  in  the  Federal 
court  he  went  miles  out  of  the  way  of  the  testimony 
to  ask  me  if  I  could  give  "Eobbins'  law  of  the  devel- 
opment of  the  temporal  bone."  Knowing  the  limita- 
tions of  his  anatomical  stuffing,  I  asked  him  if  he 
referred  to  the  iter  e  tertio  ad  quartum  ventriculum 
or  to  the  levator  labii  superioris  alaequae  nasi.  He 
said  that  he  "guessed  he  did."  And  the  trial  went 
along  on  other  lines. 

This  lawyer  was  a  friend  of  mine,  and  when  the 
governor  appointed  me  superintendent  of  the  State 
hospital  this  lawyer  asked  me  to  come  to  his  office 
to  meet  a  state  senator  who  was  to  approve  the 
appointment.  This  dignitary  looked  me  over  silently, 
nodded  his  head  and  left.  Later  I  ascertained  that 
the  senator  kept  a  large  free  and  easy  saloon,  but  that 
did  not  surprise  me  as  whiskey  dealers  held  most 
power  in  general  politics,  but  it  ruffled  me  to  think 
that  in  both  my  asylum  appointments  whiskey  had  to 
approve  the  official. 

One  incident  I  cannot  forget.  During  a  trial 
of  a  head  injury  railroad  accident  case,  January  11th, 
1897,  word  was  brought  to  me  that  to  see  my  mother 
alive  I  must  come  at  once.  The  judge  excused  me 
and  both  lawyers  took  up  non-medical  issues  kindly, 
to  oblige  me,  for  the  day  and  I  reached  her  house  in 
time  to  hear  her  last  words  and  hold  her  head  on  my 
arm  as  she  passed  away,  at  82  years  of  age. 

At  Richmond,  Indiana,  a  will  contest  over  six 
hundred  and  sixty  thousand  dollars  dragged  along 

178  FUN   IN   A   doctor's   LIFE 

for  a  year  or  more,  when  T  was  sent  for  to  pass  upon 
a  hypothetical  question  each  side  had  prepared,  of 
about  a  thousand  pages.  Ex-president  Ben.  Harrison 
was  attorney  for  contestant  and  seemed  to  be  about 
such  a  lawyer  as  those  in  Chicago  courts,  so  with  my 
nil  admirari  inclinations  he  failed  to  yell  and  scare 
me  down  with  his  browbeating  methods.  I  had 
been  half  a  day  on  the  stand  on  direct  examination^ 
and  Ben.  Harrison  took  me  up  on  cross-examination 
the  next  entire  day,  save  during  the  noon  recess,  when 
I  met  him  and  reminded  him  that  my  father  had  made 
the  marble  bust  of  his  grandfather  William  Henry 
Harrison,  the  former  general  and  president. 

That  afternoon  he  changed  his  method  of  ques- 
tioning to  a  gentlemanly  tone,  and  succeeded  better 
in  throwing  me  off  my  guard;  molasses  catches  flies 
better  than  vinegar.  But  the  stenographer  and  pre- 
siding judge  were  political  toadies,  the  one  afraid  to 
interrupt  the  ex-president,  and  the  other  having  in 
view  possible  resumption  of  power  by  the  ex-president 
and  a  show  at  a  job  in  the  supreme  court;  both 
"bending  the  pregnant  hinges  of  the  knee,  that  thrift 
may  follow  fawning."  The  court  reporter,  when 
Harrison  asked  questions  too  fast,  would  address  him- 
self to  me  and  complain  of  my  answering  too  rapidly. 
Member  of  Congress  Johnson,  who  opposed  our  Span- 
ish war,  was  the  counsel  on  my  side  and  finally  blew 
Mr.  Stenographer  up  for  his  hypocritical  trickery. 
I  often  refused  to  answer  a  question  by  asking:  "Do 
you  think  that  is  a  fair  question,  general  V^  instead 


of  showing  discomfiture  as  other  witnesses  had  when 
inexperienced  in  legal  bluffing. 

The  case  was  finally  compromised,  just  half  the 
estate  having  been  used  up  in  the  court  proceedings. 
The  heirs  wisely  concluded  to  divide  the  remainder. 

A  will  was  being  made  by  a  dying  woman  and  Mr. 
Buck,  a  good  attorney  of  ISTew  Orleans,  dictated  the 
legal  language  to  me  as  I  wrote  it  at  her  bedside,  and 
she  named  the  bequests  and  the  amounts  to  each,  and 
I  shall  always  admire  Buck's  justifiable  suggestion  to 
the  lady  in  wording  the  will  to  save  her  from  a  piece 
of  folly  in  erecting  her  tomb.  She  said:  ^^And  I 
direct  that  twenty  thousand  dollars  be  expended  for 
my  tomb,"  Buck  quietly  interposed :  "You  mean  that 
not  more  than  twenty  thousand  dollars,"  and  she 
adopted  the  change  and  dictated  it  in  those  words, 
which  would  enable  the  heirs  to  spend  what  they 
pleased,  and  there  was  no  thousand  expended  on  it. 
A  brother-in-law,  after  a  contest,  came  off  with  the 
property  and  rapidly  drank  it  up ;  saloon  keepers  be- 
coming the  real  heirs. 

I  have  seen  so  much  undue  influence  tried  where 
there  was  wealth  that  I  have  come  to  pity  those  with 
money  enough  to  attract  the  buzzards. 

During  a  murder  trial  at  Woodstock,  Illinois,  an 
attorney  twitted  me  with  having  been  in  the  signal 
service,  the  engineer  corps  and  having  been  a  govern- 
ment surveyor,  to  show  the  jury  that  I  could  not  know 
anything  of  insanity. 

After  the  trial  a  juryman  told  this  attorney  that 

180  FUN   IN   A   doctor's   LIFE 

ho  had  made  the  niistal-cf  of  bis  lifo  in  trying  to  make 
fun  of  a  surveyor,  for  said  ho:  ''The  jury  was  made 
up  of  farmers,  who  when  a  surveyor  comes  around 
bc^g  him  to  make  noon  marks  on  their  door  sills,  an^ 
date  all  their  new  stock  of  information  on  all  topics 
from  the  surveyor's  visit.  They  look  up  to  him  as 
being  a  little  tin  god,  and  would  expect  him  to  know 
insanity  whether  any  one  else  did  or  not. 

At  another  trial  in  this  part  of  the  State,  I  met 
with  a  peculiar  freaky  mental  development.  Luther 
Laflin  Mills,  the  lawyer  of  Chicago,  told  me  that 
people  urged  him  to  take  as  an  expert  witness  an  old 
doctor  who  was  looked  upon  as  a  soit  of  cyclopaedia, 
as  the  jurymen  would  accept  all  his  views  as  gospel. 
Mills  asked  me  to  sound  the  old  chap  on  his  being  read 
up  and  experienced  in  insanity  matters.  I  was 
astonished  and  pleased  to  have  him  recite  to  me  ac- 
curate descriptions  of  the  form  of  insanity  under  dis- 
cussion in  the  court,  and  recognizing  the  source  of 
the  knowledge,  I  told  him  he  quoted  Spitzka  word  for 
word,  and  then  I  asked  him  about  other  forms  of  in- 
sanity, but  he  was  in  too  great  a  hurry  to  remain, 
and  would  see  me  again.  As  he  went  out  the  door 
the  hotel-keeper  looked  after  him  reverently  and  said 
to  me:  "That  is  a  wonderful  man!  Why,  he  can  read 
a  newspaper  once  and  repeat  every  word  of  it  after- 
wards !" 

I  told  Mills  to  be  very  careful  to  confine  him  to 
his  cramming,  but  talking  over  the  freak  with  the 
attorney  on  the  other  side,  he  said  that  the  reason 


why  he  didn't  expose  the  old  fraud  and  his  one- 
sided accomplishments  was  that  the  jury  would  have 
resented  any  ridiculing  of  their  pet  oracle. 

Specialism  in  medicine  seemed  to  be  misunder- 
stood in  those  times,  for  State's  attorney  Longenccker 
employed  a  recently  fledged  ^^homeo"  as  an  insanity 
expert  because  he  had  saved  his  child's  life  from  false 
croup,  the  kind  that  gets  well  suddenly  when  nothing 
is  done.  When  the  varied  assortment  of  ignorance 
of  that  "doctor"  was  exposed,  Longenecker  then  ex- 
pressed astonishment  that  one  who  "cured  diph- 
theria," as  the  homeo  called  it,  did  not  know  about 
insanity.  This  pundit  defined  monomania  as  one  who 
was  "off  on  one  point"  and  the  maniac  "was  off  on 
several  points." 

His  predecessor,  Grinnell,  asked  me  to  testify  in  a 
poisoning  case  and  examine  the  stomach  chemically. 
He  was  surprised  when  I  refused  and  referred  him  to 
Professor  Garrison,  the  chemist  of  the  Pharmacy 
College,  as  he  had  that  same  erroneous  conception  of 
expertism  in  every  part  of  medicine. 

Building  upon  this  want  of  discrimination  of  the 
lawyers,  gradually  the  courts  were  frequented  by 
pseudo-experts,  ranging  in  intelligence  from  the  fairly 
well  educated  general  practitioner,  one  usually  who 
had  married  money  and  who  posed  as  a  universal 
expert,  down  to  the  long  haired  patent  medicine 
vender  with  no  knowledge  of  anything  but  bambooz- 
ling. There  was  a  neurologist  in  Chicago  pretty 
well  up  in  that  line  for  he  never  used  simple  langu- 

182  FtJN  IN  A  DOCTOR  S   LIFE' 

age  if  he  could  help  it.  He  was  known  as  "Sesqui- 
pedalian Ben.''  Tying  an  artery  was  always  liga- 
tion, and  lie  Was  only  surpassed  by  a  reverend  medi- 
cal poser  who  once  diagnosed  a  bad  cold  at  the  county 
liosi)ital  to  the  admiration  of  freshies,  sure  to  call  him' 
in  consultation  till  better  educated,  as  "sub-acute 
inflammation  of  the  cribriform  plate  of  the  ethmoid 

The  impressive  Ben  was  a  chronic  witness  for' 
railways  and  in  a  case  after  I  testified  strongly  as  to- 
the  effects  of  a  very  bad  head  wound,  he  came  to  me 
and  offered  me  a  hundred  dollar  fee  if  I  would  now' 
testify  for  the  company  on  another  issue  in  the  same 
case.  I  asked  him  if  there  was  anything  in  my  career 
that  would  Justify  his  thinking  that  I  could  be  con-" 
temptible  enough  to  do  such  a  thing,  and  the  lawyer, 
an  able  man,  one  I  had  known  in  the  anny  long 
years  before,  called  me  up  by  telephone  to  double 
the  amount  first  offered  if  I  would  comply.  We  have 
not  been  good  friends  since.  But  he  said  to  me,  one 
great  reason  why  he  did  not  ask  ine  to  testify  always 
for  his  company  was  that  he  never  was  certain  what 
I  was  going  to  say ;  in  other  words  he  did  not  want' 
the  truth,  but  only  what  would  favor  his  side. 

That  recalls  the  Frank  Collier  case,  in  which  I  was 
engaged  to  show  the  insanity  and  Judge  Gary,  later 
the  head  of  the  Steel  Trust,  presided.  In  another' 
trial  I  acted  as  amicus  curiae  and  conferring  with  the 
same  judge  he  remarked  that  neither  side  cared  to' 
have  the  truth  brought  out.    An  erratic  expert  in  the?' 

bEGftADED  Expert  business  183 

coui*se  of  this  trial  was  rotten-egged  by  a  lunatic  in 
the  court  room,  and  the  medical  journals  spoke  of  it 
as  his  "ovation."  He  was  like  a  bull  in  a  china  shop, 
and  as  tactful.  Collier,  the  insane  lawyer,  in  a  news- 
paper article  said  he  had  the  dress  of  a  Zulu,  the  man- 
ners of  a  Patagonian  and  the  face  of  an  orang-outang. 
That  chap  was  repeatedly  helped  by  me  in  many  ways, 
even  to  securing  him  appointments  to  profitable  posi- 
tions, but  his  jealousy  was  such  as  to  induce  him  to 
destroy  his  best  friends  for  temporary  gain,  and  he 
joined  politicians  in  inventing  and  circulating  rank 
lies  against  any  one  who  stood  in  his  way. 

In  the  tri-al  of  Prendergast,  the  newsboy,  for  kill- 
ing Mayor  Harrison,  I  told  the  State's  attorney  and 
Jiir.  Trude  who  prosecuted  the  case  that  I  knew  the 
prisoner  to  be  a  typical  paranoiac  and  wholly  irre- 
sponsible, so  I  was  dropped  by  the  State  and  Clarence 
Darrow  asked  me  to  come  to  the  side  of  the  defence, 
■but  I  had  strict  ethical  notions  of  «uch  things,  and 
having  received  confidential  communications  of  the 
other  side  felt  that  I  had  no  right  now  to  go  into  court 
at  all.  Barrow  thought  otherwise,  but  a  fight  I  had 
just  had  with  the  saloon-keeping  politicians  in  trying 
to  drive  thieves  out  of  the  State  hospital  had  debilitat- 
ed me  so  much  that  even  had  I  been  inclined,  which  I 
emphatically  was  not,  my  health  condition  at  that  time 
would  have  disabled  me  fi^om  much  court  service.  The 
.gang  of  grafters  seized  upon  this  sickness  to  circulate 
1;he  yarn  that  I  was  insane.  Then  appeared  my  large 
1400  page  volumes  on  the  Medical  Jurisprudence  of 


Insanity,  which  nailed  that  political  lie  for  awhile. 

Among  other  relinquishing  of  fees  occurred  an 
instance  when  the  head  of  a  pretended  philanthropic 
society  sent  to  me  offering  a  hundred  dollars  if  I 
would  swear  in  court  as  a  neurological  expcTt  that 
it  hurt  the  eyes  and  minds  of  children  to  be  carri(  d 
in  front  of  their  parents  on  bicycles.  I  returnrd 
word  that  more  humanity  could  be  displayed,  though 
in  a  less  sensational  manner,  by  picking  up  and  car- 
ing for  the  little  waifs  who  were  feeding  from  slop 
barrels  in  alleys. 

Several  "philanthro-pests"  had  made  millions  out 
of  the  fire  fund  "disbursements,"  ju^t  as  Johnsto\vn 
magnates,  previously  poor,  developed  after  money 
was  sent  to  them  to  relieve  suffering,  and  grafters- 
got  a  hook  into  the  San  Francisco  calamity  money. 

Sometimes  expert  service  pay  was  contingent^ 
and  if  won  in  the  lower  court  would  be  appealed  and 
years  after  the  lawyer  getting  the  money  for  both 
claimant  and  experts  would  pocket  all  he  dared 
of  both.  Lawyers  and  dead  beats  owe  me  about 
twenty  thousand  dollars  in  Chicago,  and  always  wilL 
It  is  a  permanent  investment. 

I  had  to  look  sharp  not  to  be  swindled  in  the  first 
instance.  One  notorious  case  I  managed  was  to  have 
brought  mo  a  thousand  dollars,  but  I  was  lucky  to  re- 
cover half  that  amount  from  the  boozer  attorney. 

A  series  of  incidents  befell  in  a  year  or  so  through 
tricks  of  attorneys.  I  made  $1100  in  a  spinal  con- 
cussion: allegation   in  Frankfort,   Indiana,    and   the- 

MgSAded  expeet  business  1§5 

railway  attorney  was  dilatory  about  the  balance  after 
paying  me  only  $400.  Knowing  better  than  to 
"sleep  on  my  rights/'  as  legal  verbiage  has  it.  I 
dunned  the  railroad^  which  Was  in  the  hands  of  a 
receiver,  and  annoyed  the  dilatory  lawyer  with  no 
results  for  months.  Finally  I  recalled  something  that 
would  have,  if  known,  disbarred  the  lawyer,  and  call 
it  blackmail  who  will,  it  was  made  use  of  by  a  friendly 
attorney  and  the  money  was  promptly  forthcoming. 

That  matter  the  tricky  attorney  did  not  want 
known  Was  this ;  and  you  can  judge  how  much  I  was 
justified  in  making  such  use  of  it : 

In  the  Friedman  spinal  injury  case  this  lawyer 
who  had  kept  me  out  of  $700  fees  so  long  came  into 
my  office  and  tried  to  have  me  express  a  willingness 
to  accept  $1000  if  I  could  induce  Friedman  to  take 
$5000  in  settlement  of  his  claim  of  ten  times  that 
much  against  the  railway  he  was  suing,  and  in  which 
suit  I  was  on  Friedman's  side.  I  refused,  and  also 
told  him  that  I  meant  to  inform  James  Rosenthal, 
the  lawyer  for  Friedman,  though  the  tempter  begged 
me  not  to  do  so. 

Aitev  the  case  was  won  for  Friedman,  the  main 
railway  counsel  came  to  me  and  asked  me  in  confi- 
dence if  I  had  received  a  thousand  dollars  from  the 
defence  lawyers  in  the  case,  stating  he  was  amazed 
at  my  testifying  for  Friedman,  being  led  to  expect 
that  I  had  quit  the  case.  I  laughed  at  him 
and  he  told  me  that  he  had  given  the  money 
to   three   lawyers   to   carry   to   me    and   they   must 

18(5  FUN   IN  A   DOCTOR^S   LiFE 

havo  divided  it  among  themselves,  as  proved  to  he 
the  case  later. 

This  explained  to  me  what  I  had  long  wondered 
at  as  a  queer  matter.  After  refusing  the  bribe  in  the 
first  place  one  of  the  firm  of  attorneys  to  which  my 
dilatory  pay  lawyer  belonged  came  to  me  and  tried 
to  trick  me  into  giving  a  receipt  for  the  thousand 
dollars  by  the  baldest  most  childish  prayers  for  helj). 
That  he  had  gotten  into  a  tangle  and  wanted  to  account 
for  some  money  that  he  had  used,  but  having  the 
image  of  the  widow  in  my  mind's  eye,  who  said  so 
impudently:  '^Yoii  know  yoii  gave  me  a  receipt  in 
full,"  I  told  him  that  I  was  sorry  he  had  fallen  into 
a  hole  but  it  was  unkind  of  him  to  expect  to  climb 
out  over  my  shoulders  and  to  think  he  could  leave  me 
there  instead.  He  wept  bitter  teiarg,  but  I  merely 
wondered  what  was  lip,  until  the  sequels  came,  and  it 
struck  me  that  these  rogues  were  merciless  and  I 
could  scare  them  into  being  just  for  once.  So  I  had 
iny  good  friend  Rosenthal  merely  put  in  an  appear- 
ance, without  either  of  us  making  any  threats  or  say- 
ing a  word  about  the  past,  and  when  the  reluctant  to 
give  up  lawyer  saw  the  attorney  he  tried  to  bribe  me 
to  betray  he  stepped  down  to  the  treasurer  of  the  road 
in  the  same  building,  returning  with  the  check  which 
he  was  "greatly  pleased''  to  hand  to  us. 

Was  that  blackmail  ? 

In  a  Pennsylvania  case  the  railway  claim  agent 
wanted  me  to  take  five  hundred  dollars  to  keep  out  of 
'a  prosecution  of  his  road  for  a  spinal  injury,  and  re^ 

Ijegeaded  expert  business  iSt 

fusing  to  do  so  the  injured  man  recovered  ten  thous- 
and dollars,  and  not  only  did  not  pay  my  fees  but 
long  afterward  served  me  about  as  rascally  a  trick  a^ 
could  be  imagined. 

Thackeray  said  that  George  I.  had  a  very  low  esti- 
inate  of  his  fellow  men,  and  Thackeray  went  on  to 
say  that  the  most  provoking  thing  about  it  was  that  in 
the  vast  majority  of  instances  his  majesty  was  right 
in  the  estimate. 

Out  west  I  had  occasional  similar  instances  of 
gratitude.  A  couple  of  yoiing  men  had  me  defend 
their  insane  father  for  murder  and  were  profuse  in 
gratitude,  but  the  letters  of  subsequent  abuse  that 
they  wrote  when  I  asked  for  my  agreed  upon  pay  did 
not  correspond  with  their  praises  and  promises  in 
their  earlier  letters. 

A  Scotchman  entreated  me  to  take  his  injured 
t^ife  to  my  sanitarium  and  help  collect  a  bill  for 
damages  from  a  railway.  He  also  wrote  fulsome 
thanks  and  promises  and  his  later  letters,  when  the 
collection  was  made  and  no  pay  came  to  me,  amus- 
ingly contrasted  in  their  abuse  and  threats.  He  was 
a  drunkard,  however,  and  much  has  to  be  forgiven 
these  victims  of  the  commerce  in  poisons. 

Things  occurred  that  made  me  sorry  for  some 
plaintiffs,  irrespective  of  my  fee  mishaps.  One  judge 
insulted  every  witness  against  corporations  and  in  a 
case  of  a  poor  girl  who  had  fallen  from  the  elevated 
railway  car  through  negligence  of  the  road  in  not 
Stopping  at  a  station  when  she  got  on  and  the  iroif 

iss  vvn  IX  A  doctor\s  LTFS 

gate  was  not  opened,  causing  her  to  cling  to  frail 
support  till  she  fell  into  the  street  below.  The 
judge  asked  her  if  she  fainted,  and  she  said  she  had 
not.  "Then,''  said  this  judge,  "you  are  an  honest 
girl  to  tell  the  truth,  but  as  you  knew  what  you  were 
about  when  you  let  go  the  case  will  be  taken  from  the 
jury  and  decided  against  you."  There  was  intense 
indignation  of  the  public  and  newspapers  for  this 
decision,  and  an  accumulation  of  such  injustice  re- 
tired him  finally  from  the  bench.  The  girl  was 
physically  helpless  from  the  accident. 

That  same  judge,  to  get  plaintiffs  off  his  calendai*, 
called  25,000  cases  in  one  day  by  bulletin,  and  the 
attorneys,  during  holiday  season  too,  crowded  the 
court  house  by  hundreds,  yelling  at  the  outrage.  He 
threatened  to  jail  them  for  contempt. 

Among  other  annoyances  the  honest  expert  en- 
counters is  the  attempt  to  dictate  to  him  what  he 
should  testify  and  what  he  must  withhold.  Even 
a  lunatic  insists  upon  managing  his  own  case  in  spite 
of  lawyers  or  experts.  But  the  most  appalling  out- 
come of  insuring  corporations  against  legal  conse- 
quences of  all  sorts  by  "Casualty  Companies"  is  the 
evolution  of  special  lawyers,  with  machinery  of  the 
most  devilish  sort,  to  further  their  plans  to  defeat 
all  attacks  whether  just  or  not.  Admitting  that 
some  are  wrong  in  bringing  suit,  these  specialists  act 
on  the  assumption  that  all  are  wrong,  or  no  matter 
they  will  fight  them  anyway,  right  or  wrong.  The  up- 
shot is  specious  pleas,  bribed  juries,  chronic  witnesses, 


some  of  whom  tell  of  being  in  two  train  wrecks  the- 
same  instant  miles  apart.  The  injured  person  is 
always  to  blame,  even  dying  victims  of  wrecks  have 
a  dollar  put  in  their  vest  pockets  and  their  hand  is 
held  to  aid  the  signature  to  the  release  paper.  Then 
the  chronic  drilled  "expert"  who  complaisantly 
swears  black  is  white,  and  bamboozles  the  jury,  with 
occasionally  that  most  hideous  threat  to  our  freedom, 
that  menace  to  our  civilization,  that  emissary  direct 
from  the  shades  of  Hades,  the  corrupt  judge. 

All  complicated  by  the  court  fictions  in  procedure 
like  the  retention  of  the  hypothetical  question.  The 
only  excuse  for  it  I  ever  heard  was  that  if  the  expert 
witness  passed  on  the  facts  of  the  case  as  he  heard 
them  in  court  he  then  became  a  judge,  or  a  juror, 
therefore  to  prevent  this  real  serviceable  position, 
this  real  natural  helpful  means  of  doing  justice,  a 
roundabout,  lying  piece  of  trickery  that  no  sane  man 
could  use  in  business  outside  of  a  court  room  must  be 
substituted,  all  to  keep  the  expert  from  beik'g 
A  juror. 

And,  the  joke  of  it  is,  after  thinking  this  over 
for  many  years,  and  in  spite  of  the  superficial  jeers 
of  limbs  of  the  law  who  defer  to  usage  and  never  to 
common  sense  or  well  thought  out  suggestions,  the 


And  this  in  spite  of  the  present  status  of  the  juror 
in  keeping  with  general  corruption  of  courts  and  their 
methods,  for  this  plan  will  clear  up  the  whole  situa- 
tion, produce  honest  experts  and  save  the  time  of 

190  FUN   IN   A   doctor's   LIFE 

explaining  special  intricate  details  to  a  pack  of  ignor- 
ant straw  pnllers  for  verdicts.  Intelligence  will  be 
substituted  for  tricks  and  results  be  more  in  accord 
with  justice  and  equity. 

The  blacksmith  will  no  longer  pass  upon  the 
watchmaker's  mechanism  nor  the  hoss  doctor  puzzle 
over  points  in  human  anatomy  he  never  dreamed  of 
and  cannot  remember  five  minutes  when  explained  to 

A  jury  of  grocers  should  pass  upon  commercial 
matters  in  their  line,  distiller  experts  should  make  up 
a  jury  to  pass  upon  purity  of  whiskey,  but  not  on 
the  results  of  drinking  it. 

A  jury  of  chemists  could  determine  chemical  dis- 
putes that  no  others  are  competent  to  understand. 

Imagine  a  school  teacher  trying  to  get  at  the  guilt 
of  some  michievous  youngsters  through  being  kept 
from  passing  upon  the  real  incidents  and  confined  to 
parts  of  the  stories  of  each  side  as  they  pleased  to 
select  and  distort ! 

Also  a  business  man  making  up  his  mind  if  he  had 
been  robbed  from  a  suppression  of  the  real  facts  and 
presentation  of  hypothetical  ones!  He  would  not 
know  if  he  were  afoot  or  on  horseback. 

Then  add  the  browbeating,  so  the  lawyer  with  the 
biggest  voice  and  most  impudence  is  the  best  one,  as 
in  the  case  of  the  attorney  thundering  to  a  witness: 
"You  can't  answer  my  question  by  saying  either  yes 
or  no !  InTow  ask  me  one  that  cannot  be  answered  in 
that  way!" 


"Very  well,"  said  the  witness,  "are  you  beating 
your  wife  yet?" 

Recalling  another  smart  judge,  a  martinet  on  the 
Chicago  bench  well  known  for  his  treating  witnesses 
badly.  He  once  turned  savagely  upon  an  Irishman 
with:  "Were  you  acquainted  with  that  ash  box 
in  the  alley?"  He  was  a  stickler  for  grammatical 
sentences,  and  had  to  cave  in  ungracefully  at  the 
court  room  laugh  when  Mike  replied :  "One  can't  be 
acquainted  wid  an  ash-box,  yer  'anner,  he  can  wid  a 

A  lawyer  sneered  at  a  doctor  on  the  stand  with: 
"Sometimes  the  mistakes  of  doctors  are  buried  six 
feet  below  ground,  are  they  not?" 

"Certainly,"  said  the  physician,  "just  as  the  mis- 
takes of  lawyers  sometimes  dangle  six  feet  above 
ground !" 

Another,  when  the  lawyer  tried  a  little  blarney 
for  its  influence  in  placating  a  witness  he  had  been 
blufiing:  "Now,  Pat,  you  are  a  kind  hearted,  fair 
minded  man,  and  I  am  going  to  ask  a  question  that 
will  test  this  opinion  of  you." 

"I  am  sorry,  sor,  that  I  can't  return  the  compli- 
ment !" 

And  still  another  who  had  been  savagely  abusing 
a  quiet  fellow  merely  because  the  witness  could  not 
help  himself:  "I  want  you  to  reply  to  my  questions 
in  a  gentlemanly  way,  but  I  can't  teach  you  man- 


"That's  a  fact,"  responded  the  abused  witness. 


During  the  starting  days  of  the  Chicago  Art  In- 
stitute I  gave  two  or  three  courses  of  lectures  on 
anatomy  and  the  sciences  useful  to  the  artist,  the 
pay  being  ten  dollars  a  lecture;  the  buildings  ab- 
sorbing most  of  the  donations,  characteristically. 
Big  colleges  and  a  large  campus  being  more  impor- 
tant than  brains  of  teachers.  Witness  Professor 
Jiggs,  who  said  the  coal  oil  president  was  a  greater 
man  than  Shakespeare.  But  I  did  no  toadying,  on 
the  other  hand  I  disparaged  the  ''old  masters"  as 
mostly  old  frauds  who  daubed  monsters  in  no  pro- 
portion, with  false  anatomy,  and  the  worship  of  such 
was  due  to  people  not  thinking  for  themselves. 

I  lectured  on  physics  at  the  college  of  pharmacy, 
and  on  mental  and  nervous  diseases  at  medical 
schools,  always  for  cash,  about  ten  dollars  a  lecture, 
and  never  for  possible  consultations  with  admiring 
students,  as  that  sort  of  thing  begets  humbuggery,  the 
professor  being  induced  to  try  to  impress  the  pupil 
that  he  never  would  learn  to  treat  cases  and  had  better 
send  them  to  him.  So  it  was  a  bid  on  withholding 
rather  than  imparting  knowledge.     If  a  lecturer  or 


writer  is  insincere  it  ends  in  his  cheating  himself,  for 
telling  lies  ends  in  thinking  lies  and  truth  cannot  be 
recognized  when  seen. 

As  lecturer  on  electro-diagnosis  at  the  Electro 
Medical  School  I  gave  medical  electricity  generally  a 
roast  as  in  the  main  a  fake ;  particularly  the  big  static 
machines,  useful  mainly,  like  Christian  science,  in 
"curing"  hysteria.  The  other  professors  protested  and 
finally  threw  me  out.  Few  of  them  knew  enough  to 
pound  sand,  and  I  always  was  too  impractical  to 
quack  it. 

As  a  charter  fellow  and  secretary-  of  the  Chicago 
Academy  of  Medicine,  a  society  for  discussing  scien- 
tific study  of  disease,  I  gave  the  opening  address  in 
which  I  hoped  this  association  would  not  suffer  degen- 
eracy through  politics  and  clap-trap  as  other  societies 
in  the  city  had,  but  I  heard  that  it  was  no  exception 
to  the  rule  that  all  things  decay  in  time.  Societies, 
says  Herbert  Spencer,  finally  degenerate  and  subvert 
the  very  principles  for  which  they  were  founded. 

Several  American  Medical  Society  meetings  were 
attended  in  different  cities  before  whose  meetings  I 
read  papers,  and  at  one  in  ^N'ashville,  Tennessee,  I 
wondered  why  the  directors,  if  insisting  upon  hot  sum- 
mer meetings,  instead  of  going  to  the  equator  had  not 
selected  some  such  cool  sea-breeze  convention  place  like 
Atlantic  City,  E'ew  Jersey. 

The  meeting  rooms  being  too  hot,  I  rode  about  the 
city  on  trolley  cars  for  the  breeze  they  made  and  re- 
visited the  scenes  of  my  old  army  days ;  going  to  a  hill 

19-i  FUN    IN    A    DOCTOk's    LIFE 

Tipon  Avliieli  a  fort  was  built,  but  now  ()ccu])i('d  by  the 
Fisk  University,  among  other  places  familiar  to  me 
when  a  soldier.  I  was  not  able  to  recognize  my  old 
camp  ground  there  and  called  to  a  gentleman  passing 
in  a  buggy,  who  looked  like  a  good,  honest,  old,  coun- 
try doctor,  if  he  would  please  tell  me  where  old  Fort 
Gillam  had  been  in  1865. 

''Who  did  you  want  to  see,  sah  ?"  he  asked  with  the 
old  familiar  dialect.  I  repeated  the  question,  and  then 
after  a  moment's  thought  he  said:  ''Oh,  yes!  a  duin 
the  wah." 

At  the  hotel,  which  I  had  used  as  a  barracks  for 
my  recruits,  upon  my  return  I  was  laughing  about 
this  incident  and  repeated  the  words  and  accent, 
when  a  physician  from  Florida  looked  at  me  intently, 
as  I  explained  that  I  must  have  talked  that  way  my- 
self when  a  boy  doAvn  South. 

"Why,  doctah,  you  all  talk  like  we  do !" 
This  was  not  as  extreme  as  the  poor  girl  when  her 
soldier  sweetheart  went  ^orth,  and  she  wrote : 
"  'Tis  hard  for  you  uns  and  we  uns  to  part, 
For  you  uns  have  broken  we  unses  heart." 
Doubtless  survivals  of  old  English  several  cen- 
turies back. 

At  the  old  University  of  Chicago,  on  Cottage 
Grove  avenue  and  Twenty-ninth  street.  Professors 
Bastian,  Garrison  and  others  invited  me  to  join  their 
college  club,  and  were  arranging  with  the  president 
of  the  university  to  have  me  fill  the  chair  of  compara- 
tive anatomy  and  physiology,  as  I  was  doing  work 


in  tliat  line  then  and  gave  a  lecture  on  the  disadvan- 
tages of  the  upright  position  which  later  I  repeated 
at  the  Philadelphia  Academy  of  iSTatural  Sciences 
and  published  in  the  American  ]^aturalist  bj  request 
of  Professor  Cope,  the  editor.  These  things  led  to 
a  controversy  in  the  ^'I^ation/'  amusing  to  scien- 
tists as  showing  prejudice  against  the  evolutionary 
doctrine  in  1880.  Prom  mistaken  anti-evoluntary 
feeling  the  university  president,  a  Baptist  preacher, 
dropped  the  professorship  offer,  but  as  teachers 
were  suing  for  salaries  it  was  no  hardship  to  lose 
the  job. 

Lecturing  once  at  the  Anthropological  Society 
of  cranks  in  Chicago,  I  described  insanity  studies  as 
made  by  modern  physicians  in  asylums,  and  the 
spiritualists.  Christian  scientists,  theosophists,  oxy- 
donorists,  opposers  of  vaccination,  anarchists,  etc., 
among  the  long  haired  men  and  short  haired  women 
had  very  heterodox  notions  on  all  subjects,  including 
anything  medical;  so  I  was  subjected  to  criticism  of 
the  fiercest  sort  from  poor  ignorant  creatures  too 
ignorant  to  realize  how  ignorant  they  were.  One 
tall,  gorgeously  dressed  lady  with  a  nine  inch  gold 
cross  hung  from  her  neck  by  a  gaudy  chain,  a  "Theo- 
sophist,"  ranted  and  raved  about  spirits,  the  imma- 
terial mind,  reincarnation  and  other  mysteries  quite 
alarmingly.  When  I  closed  the  discussion  I  spoke 
of  having  lived  in  insane  asylums,  having  spent  days 
on  the  wards  with  all  classes  of  deranged,  having  at- 
tended  and   studied  them  by  thousands  with   deep 

19G  ruN  IN  A  doctor's  life 

interest  for  their  welfare,  and  preferred  to  be  with 
them  than  elsewhere.  ^'Consequently,  ladies  and  gen- 
tlemen/' I  went  on  to  say,  ''being  so  fond  of  that  kind 
of  company  I  never  have  felt  so  much  at  home  as  I 
have  this  evening." 

A  number  of  medical  students  were  present, 
among  them  some  young  women,  one  of  whom  let  out 
a  mdlow  laugh  and  the  audience  joined  in  with  a 
good  will,  except  that  part  too  incensed  to  do  so. 

In  that  same  society  I  lectured  on  the  Migration 
of  the  Aryans,  and  happened  to  mt  ntion  the  English 
language  as  having  a  low  Dutch  origin. 

An  indignant  Britisher  present  rose  in  the  discus- 
sion and  said :  "Hi  'ave  'eard  the  Henglish  called  hall 
sorts  of  things,  but  never  before  'av  hi  known  them  to 
be  called  dirty  Dutch." 

It  required  several  years  to  get  the  explanation 
through  his  wool. 

Suggesting  other  stories  of  the  dialect,  as  the 
fisherman  being  told  to  "go  hup  to  the  bother  hend 
of  the  hisland  and  he  would  catch  heels  has  long  has 
'is  harm." 

And  after  being  corrected  as  to  pronouncing  horse 
another  cried:  "If  a  hay  and  a  hoe  and  a  bar  and  a 
hess  and  a  hee,  don't  spell  'orse,  what  in  'ell  does  it 

Still  another  wanted  to  know  what  all  these  stores 
were  in  Hamerica  with  signs  spelling  with  "a  hess,  a 
hay,  a  hell,  a  couple  of  hoes  and  a  hen." 

But  that  was  mere  association  with  Cockneys,  and 

tSCTtJRiKCJ  197 

pardonable,  while  answers  of  medical  students  to  ex- 
aminations are  quite  as  comical. 

i  had  asked  the  boys  to  give  the  names  of  different 
forms  of  epilepsy  and  among  some  of  the  astonishing 
replies  one  wrote :  ^Tettit  mell,  grand  mell,  and  pell 

The  dean  of  the  old  Chicago  Medical  College  was 
called  '^Pap  Davis"  by  the  students,  and  in  the  days 
before  bacteriology  he  had  a  lot  of  favorite  prescrip- 
tions for  typhoid  fever,  and  there  was  a  legend  that 
if  a  student  committed  those  shot  guns  to  memory  he 
would  have  a  big  boost  to  his  diploma,  so  as  he  de- 
tailed them  we  took  notes  and  looked  them  over  till 
the  day  for  quizzing  thereon.  The  gynaecologist 
By  ford  was  operating  at  Mercy  hospital  and  could 
not  fill  his  lecture  hour,  so  to  ascertain  if  I  had  mem- 
^orized  all  of  Pap's  prescriptions  I  climbed  into  the 
^'bull  pen"  and  wrote  tliem  on  the  blackboard  from 
memory,  tlie  hoys  looking  on  and  occasionally  cor- 
recting from  their  note  books. 

I  had  about  ten  or  twelve  down  with  all  their 
numerous  ingredients  and  left  a  couple  unwritten  as 
the  bell  rang  and  I  had  barely  time  to  scramble  to 
my  seat  before  in  walked  Pap,  and  with  his  back  to 
the  blackboard  at  which  he  never  even  glanced,  he 
began  his  questioning  and  eacli  student  read  off  the 
'prescriptions  from  over  the  old  man's  head. 

To  say  that  he  was  tickled  would  not  express  it, 
he  congratulated  the  class  upon  being  the  most  credi- 
'table  ever  known,  and  gave  all  full  marks,  though 

198  FUN  IN  A   doctor's   LIFE 

he  must  have  wondered  why  they  fell  do\^^l  oti  thosf? 
last  prescriptions  not  on  the  board. 

One  of  our  most  genial  and  learned  Profs,  was  Dr. 
Quine,  whom  the  boys  affectionately  dnbbed  ''Billy." 

The  news  of  an  addition  to  the  family  caused 
some  medical  "poic"  to  put  on  his  blackboard  in  his 
absence  from  the  lecture  room: 

Sound  the  stage  horn,  ring  the  cow  bell, 
That  the  waiting  world  may  know; 
Publish  it  throughout  our  borders. 
Even  unto  Mexico. 

Seize  your  pen,  oh,  dreaming  poet! 
And  in  numbers  smooth  as  maybe, 
Waft  the  joyful  tidings  round  us^ 
Billy  Quine  has  got  a  baby. 


Upon  leaving  the  government  land  surveying 
work,  it  was  with  a  feeling  of  thankfulness  that  in 
medicine  there  could  be  no  contact  with  politicians, 
their  saloons,  trickery,  treachery  and  vulgar  ideals. 
But  it  was  frying  pan  to  fire  to  my  amazement,  for 
to  promote  my  studies  in  brain  physiology  of  sane  and 
insane  I  sought  an  appointment  as  one  of  the  medical 
officials  at  the  asylum,  and  as  a  saloon  keeper  and 
gambler  had  the  appointing  power  I  had  to  pass 
muster  with  him  first.  Being  western  and  plain  he 
condescended  to  give  me  the  pathologist's  place,  and 
the  other  gamblers  and  saloon  keepers,  the  county 
commissioners,  obediently  confirmed  the  appointment. 
and  it  would  have  been  interesting  to  know  what 
kind  of  an  animal  they  thought  a  pathologist  was. 

Here  finally  was  the  chance  of  my  life  to  finish 
my  studies,  fill  the  scientific  periodicals  and  improve 
the  conditions  of  myriads  of  sufferers. 

Gradually  I  felt  cold  water  on  my  aspirations. 
The  whiskeyites  in  control,  I  presumed,  were  merely 
party  men  who  carried  their  low  instincts  only  as 
far  as  cheating  at  elections.  But,  little  by  little,  I 
realized  that  no  figs  were  to  be  found  on  thistles,  and 
I  talked  to  the  gambler  and  saloon  keeper  warden 

200  :^XJN  IN  A  DOCf  OR^S  LiFi;' 

one  day  about  classifying  patients  on  wards  so  tliat 
the  bad  or  disturbed  cases  could  be  by  themselves  and 
the  mild  cases  away  from  the  violent  ones,  so  as  to 
increase  chances  for  recovery.  This  Varnell  was  a 
handsome  fellow,  and  could  impress  one  as  well 
meaning  when  he  cared  to  assume  decent  manners, 
and  his  affability  led  me  to  think  he  fell  in  with  my 
views,  and  so  I  went  on  describing  how  humrane  care 
could  be  made  scientific,  glowing  with  pleasure  that' 
although  a  layman  had  no  business  in  charge  of  an 
insane  asylum  as  a  medical  institution  he,  at  least,' 
could  be  depended  on  to  absorb  proper  ideas  concern- 
ing such  matters,  even  though  it  required  explaining 
to  ignorance  as  experts  try  to  do  with  juries.  It  is 
a  short  cut  and  time  saver  when  a  doctor  has  charge 
of  a  hospital  instead  of  a  non-medical  person,  and  it 
would  be  a  short  cut  and  time  saver  if  experts  were 
put  on  juries  instead  of  explaining  recondite  thingd- 
to  the  deaf,  dumb  and  blind  intellects. 

Here  is  exactly  the  warden's  reply,  as  he  inter- 
rupted my  enthusiastic  descriptions  and  hopes : 

"To  hell  with  the  damn  cranks.  They  are  cattle 
to  me,  and  I  don't  give  a  danm  for  them,  and  am  here^ 
for  boodle.  I'm  going  to  make  a  pile  out  of  the  bug-' 
house  and  start  a  big  sporting  j^lace  in  the  city." 

One  means  of  assisting  to  make  this  pile  was  by 
taking  bribes  from  friends  of  patients  for  promising- 
to  put  the  often  violent  insane  person  on  a  "quief 
ward,"  where  he  would  lessen  chances  for  convalesc-' 
ence  of  others  and  do  himself  no  good  whatever. 


Though  there  were  other  means  of  increasing 
revenue,  as  I  soon  learned  and  grew  enlightened  at 
the  resourcefulness  of  boodlers  in  leaving  no  pocket 

The  pay  for  attendants  was  entrusted  to  the 
warden,  and  once  previous  to  the  insight  he  had  given 
me  of  his  animus,  I  was  speaking  to  him  on  business 
and  saw  him  checking  off  the  pay  roll  of  attendants^ 
signing  the  names  of  absentees  in  some  cases,  "at  their 
request^'  as  I  of  coui*se  thought,  but  observing  that 
lie  wrote  the  signature  of  one  who  had  been  dead  some 
weeks  I  thought  it  too  good  a  joke  not  to  call  atten- 
tion to  his  accident,  and  my  laugh  was  choked  off  by 
his  savage  glare,  which  I  was  too  unsophisticated  to 
understand  the  reason  for  at  that  time. 

Schopenhauer  extols  greenness  of  that  sort  in 
young  men  as  indicating  their  unspoiled  estimates  of 
their  fellow  men,  and  though  I  had  been  through 
enough  to  post  me  to  the  contrary  I  was  eternally  look- 
ing up  to  the  next  scoundrel  as  a  paragon  of  honesty, 
to  be  shocked  at  disillusions. 

We  had  used  conium,  a  drug  needing  caution,  to 
quiet  some  cases  of  mania  occasionally,  but  reading 
of  the  recently  brought  out  sulfonal  I  mentioned  it  to 
the  warden  and  suggested  buying  ten  dollars  worth  for 
the  drug  store.  He  coarsely  refusedj  saying  it  was 
too  expensive. 

The  next  week  there  was  bought  by  the  manage- 
ment $1500  worth  of  whiskey,  wines  and  cigars, 
charged  up  as  sundry  drugs,  and  if  a  patient  on  the^ 


connty  farm  got  a  smell  of  them  T  did  not  know  it, 
for  the  banquets  in  the  asylum  dinijig  room  that  fol- 
lowed this  stocking  up  of  the  drug  store  were  noisy 
enough  to  attract  my  attention  to  the  consuming  of 
all  these  delicacies,  with  viands  in  keeping,  by  w*ell 
known  riff-raif  and  criminals  of  the  city,  who  voted 
their  bartender  friends  and  bosses  into  these  places. 

^^Quit  pouring  champagne  down  my  back,"  was 
the  shrill  giggling  command  of  a  female  voice  from 
the  dining  room  on  one  such  occasion,  accompanied 
with  oaths  and  pet  names  common  in  bar  rooms.  The 
warden  was  having  his  joke,  as  she  named  him. 

We  doctors  were  pariahs  in  that  crowd,  not  hav- 
ing any  political  pull,  not  even  enough  to  get  a  buggy 
and  horse  from  the  asylum  stables  to  use  when  called 
to  adjoining  institutions;  the  politicians  cavorting 
all  over  the  country  in  county  carriages,  often  break- 
ing  them   on   their   drunken   trips. 

It  is  useless  to  tell  here  what  the  politicians  did 
and  did  not  do  to  the  insane.  You  can  get  an  idea 
from  the  almost  daily  ^'exposures"  in  newspapers  of 
such  things,  remembering  also  that  one  such  expos- 
ure means  hundreds  of  thousands  of  instances  not 
exposed.  My  ^^Treatment"  chapter  in  Medical  Juris- 
prudence of  Insanity  details  many  such  affairs,  and 
I  often  wonder  if  anyone  has  ever  read  it,  for  I 
never  heard  that  any  one  had. 

Our  unwillingness  to  hear  of  such  things  arises, 
doubtless,  from  similar  inclinations  of  the  little  girl 
at  the  tragedy  in  a  theatre  who  complained  while 


Weeping:  "Mamma,  I  don't  like  that  acting,  I  want 
fun  that  will  make  me  langh,  I  can  find  things  at 
home  to  cry  about  wihout  coming  here !" 

But  for  years  I  have  been  studying  out  the  psy- 
chology of  the  reformer  being  laughed  at  when  he  gets 
a  bump,  and  think  I  now  have  the  solution. 

I  used  to  lock  myself  in  the  dead  house  or  my  lab- 
oratory to  keep  away  from  the  beetle-browed  saloon 
keepers  who  visited  the  asylum,  prowling  around  for 
boodle,  looking  in  the  store  room,  and  wherever  else 
there  were  supplies,  and  one  county  commissioner, 
who  kept  a  drinking  dive  opposite  the  Wells  street 
depot,  fixed  upon  the  rags  and  bones  as  his  perqui- 
sites. Sleigh  loads  of  burglars  and  their  women  came 
to  balls  at  the  asylum,  the  orgies  making  the  patients 
furious  for  want  of  sleep.  Many  melancholiacs  who 
thought  they  had  committed  unpardonable  sins  must 
have  located  their  place  of  punishment  about  right. 

Expensive  Turkish  and  Russian  baths  were  built 
*^for  the  patients,"  and  the  scalding  discouraged  them 
from  indulging  in  these  luxuries,  but  it  was  the  regu- 
lar thing  for  politicians  to  sleep  off  their  drunks  in 
the  bath  rooms,  being  massaged  to  soberness  by  the 
county  "rubbers,"  those  humane  additions  to  the 
asylum  force. 

A  couple  of  years  of  this  sort  of  thing  gave  me  a 
dyspepsia  that  compelled  me  to  eat  i^i  the  city,  away 
from  the  hateful  and  distressing  scenes  that  could  not 
be  amended. 

The  assistant  engineer  fell  sick  with  typhoid  fever 

'2()i  FUN  IN  A  DOCTOR  S  LtFii 

and  his  heartless  associates  abandoned  him.  I  took 
care  of  him  in  his  room  beneath  mj  laboratory  and 
helped  nurse  him  also,  and  in  six  weeks  he  was  around 
again,  expressing  undying  gratitude  for  my  help. 

A  young  couple  named  Brown  I  had  known  in 
boyhood  visited  our  rooms,  and  my  wife  and  I  talked 
freely  to  them  of  the  abominations.  I  recollect  the 
black  eyes  of  the  Southern  lady  snapping  with  indig- 
nation, as  she  demanded :  "Why  donH  you  expose  them 

I  explained  that  it  took  time  to  arrange  such 
matters  and  that  when  fully  prepared  I  intended  to  do 

The  newspapers  of  Chicago  promised  to  support 
me  in  demanding  ah  investigation:  two  prominent 
preachers  with  large  congregations  declined  to  "talk 
politics  from  the  pulpit,''  not  having  Savonarola's 
sense  of  duty.  They  said  the  merchants  on  whom  they 
depended  for  salaries  would  withdraw  their  support 
otherwise;  and  eveii  then  I  merely  attributed  that  to 
misinformation  on  the  merchants'  part,  never  dream- 
ing that  they  Were  the  main  instigators  of  boodle  by 
acting  with  the  commissioners  to  rob  the  asylum 

The  mere  stealings  at  that  epoch  did  not  interest 
me  as  bearing  upon  the  brutalities,  and  I  did  not 
emphasize  that  phase,  so  some  of  the  newspapers  let 
me  blow  about  neglect  and  abuse  of  patients,  but  I 
Wondered  at  their  editors  blue  pencilling  any  allu- 
sion to  stealings. 


To  think  that  I  was  fighting  the  contents  of  the 
bottomless  pit,  and  did  not  suspect  it. 

I  plead  with  the  citizens'  association,  the  Chicago 
Medical  society,  the  woman's  club,  to  combine  in 
securing  an  investigation  by  the  State  board  of  char- 
ities, and  we  jointly  petitioned  the  governor.  My 
charges  submitted  to  the  secretary  of  the  citizens' 
association  were  copied  and  furnished  to  King  Mike, 
the  gambler  and  saloon  boss  of  politics  before  the 
committee  heard  them;  nice,  gentlemanly,  smiling 
grafters,  but  I  only  knew  it  later ;  my  Chicago  Med- 
ical Society  committee  was  rotten  except  for  one 
sturdy  old  Dr.  Paoli,  a  Norwegian  Corsican,  who 
stuck  to  me  and  helped  me  fight  the  rascals,  in  and 
out  of  our  societies.  I  addressed,  by  request,  the  ladies 
of  the  Women's  club  on  the  need  of  reforming  things 
at  the  asylum.  They  gave  me  a  pink  tea  and  appear- 
ed languidly  interested,  and  I  grew  educated  on  the 
situation  as  I  looked  over  the  daughters  of  bankers, 
wives  of  merchants  and  relatives  of  the  rich  elite  of 
the  city;  nice,  pretty,  amiable,  indifferent  doll 
babies.  I  might  as  well  have  been  the  crazy  preacher 
at  the  State  hospital  who  brought  his  audience  of 
sticks  with  him. 

I  was  about  heart  sick,  and  in  the  election  furore 
of  Blaine  and  Cleveland  I  published  a  request  in  the 
Inter-Ocean  that  citizens  should  not  vote  for  the 
gamblers  and  thieves  in  charge  of  the  asylum. 

That  night  my  patient,  the  assistant  engineer,  in 
a  hysteria  of  loyalty  to  his  masters,  shot  into  my  bed 

206  FUN  IN  A  doctor's  LIFE 

room  intending  to  kill  mo,  and  as  by  this  time  T 
concluded  my  nsefulnc^ss  there  was  over  I  walked  to 
Chicago  with  five  dollars  cash  capital,  part  of  a 
month's  pay  due  me,  and  plenty  of  energy  and  cour- 

It  \vas  customary  for  discharged  or  resigned  em- 
ployees to  receive  full  pay  to  the  end  of  the  mf)nth 
during  which  time  they  left  the  institution  if  only  a 
week  or  so  remained  of  the  month.  The  commissioners 
sent  me  a  filled  in  blank  requesting  me  to  swear  that 
I  had  served  the  full  month,  trying  to  trap  me  into 
perjury  to  discredit  my  attacks  upon  them. 

It  was  years  after  that  the  State  Board  of  Chari- 
ties came  to  Chicago  to  ^investigate"  the  rotten  con- 
ditions at  the  asylum.  They  met  at  the  Grand  Pacific 
hotel  and  the  thieves  had  all  the  machinery  of  the 
county  to  defend  themselves  with,  compelling  me  to 
leave  my  office  daily  and  serve  my  own  subpoenas  on 
witnesses.  The  president  of  the  board  was  an  in- 
solent politician  who  helped  the  thieves  all  he  could, 
but  soon  the  testimony  rolled  in  so  fast  and  damag- 
ingly  to  merchants,  who  had  not  been  suspected  before, 
that  the  board  adjourned  in  fright,  sustaining  my 
charges  of  neglect  and  brutality,  a  year  later,  when 
some  of  the  commissioners  were  safely  tucked  away 
in  the  penitentiary,  swearing  they  would  "fix"  me 
when  they  served  their  terms.  But  they  merely 
opened  new  saloons  near  the  court  house  on  return- 
ing ;  but  any  old  lie  they  could  invent  to  hurt  me  they 
felt  it  their  duty  to  spread,  and  there  is  always  a 


readiness  even  on  the  part  of  your  friends  to  accept 
reports  against  you. 

E'ow,  it  was  far  from  being  the  brutality  by  abuse 
and  starvation  of  patients  that  had  anything  to  do 
with  the  downfall  of  the  gang.  I  merely  started 
things  and  Grinnell,  the  State's  attorney,  had  a  special 
grand  jury  indict  the  commissioners  and  a  few  mer- 
chants, and  under  what  was  called  the  ^'omnibus 
boodler"  bill,  those  who  had  not  gone  to  Canada  were 
jailed.  Grinnell  became  a  judge  and  then  resigned 
to  serve  a  street  railway  corporation  after  the  sensa- 
tional anarchist  hanging. 

A  commissioner,  among  other  attacks  upon  me  in 
the  newspapers  for  telling  about  things  at  the  asylum, 
quoted  that  ''it  was  a  dirty  bird  that  fouled  its  own 
nest,"  and  I  agreed  with  him  that  when  he  and  other 
dirty  birds  had  made  the  nest  too  foul  to  remain  m 
it  would  be  a  dirty  bird  that  remained. 

I  never  knew  whether  Democrats  or  Republic- 
ans predominated  among  the  commissioners  sent  to 
Joliet,  but  my  friends,  the  Browns,  had  an  idea 
it  was  the  former  and  blamed  me  for  attacking 
their  party.  They  knew  that  Democrats  could  not 

I  was  amused  while  accumulating  psychological 
memoranda  at  the  falling  away  of  my  "friends''  when 
they  thought  I  was  in  distress.  I  heard  often  the  ac- 
cusation that  I  was  foolish  to  fight  the  thieves,  for 
if  I  had  joined  with  them  I  might  have  grown  rich. 
I  used  to  wonder  what  hope  we  had  for  survival  of 

208  FUN  IN  A  DOCTOk's  LIFE 

this  republic  if  such  sentiments  were  as  common  as 
they  seemed  to  be. 

An  optimist  reproved  me  with  '^N'othing  is  bad  if 
yon  don't  think  so."  And  this  was  before  the  Mother 
Eddy  fake  of  Christian  science  imbeciles  had  begun. 
I  wondered  how  that  optimist's  maxim  would  apply 
to  judging  eggs. 

It  is  related  of  one  who  lost  his  wealth  that  half 
his  friends  went  back  on  him,  and  to  the  remark  that 
it  was  noble  of  the  other  half  that  they  did  not  do 
so,  the  reply  was  that  the  other  half  did  not  know 
it  yet. 

My  frequent  jumps  in  carrying  out  my  studies 
from  affluence  to  poverty,  from  palaces  to  Indian 
lodges,  from  bank  accounts  to  counting  pennies,  hard- 
ened me  to  vicissitudes,  and  whenever  I  was  about  to 
have  a  reverse  I  always  knew  what  to  expect  and 
dropped  my  "friends"  first,  as  I  did  not  like  to  have 
them  harrass  themselves  that  I  would  ask  for  help. 
In  all  my  bust-ups  I  would  have  starved  rather  than 
ask  a  dollar  loan  from  anyone,  but  it  would  have  been 
useless  anyway  for  there  would  be  no  danger  of  get- 
ting it,  much  less  having  it  offered. 

The  philosopher  is  amused  at  the  shrinking  away 
from,  and  the  up  and  down  sizing  up  of  the  shabby 
unfortunate.  Men  like  Goldsmith,  Dr.  Johnson,  Poe, 
Hawthorne,  Hood,  all  and  more,  knew  what  this  fair 
weather  friendship  was. 

Nine  cities  claimed  the  poet  Homer  dead, 
That  would  not  give  the  living  Homer  bread. 


But  a  busted  person  is  dead  anjway  in  popular 
estimation  and  should  be  buried.  What  consterna- 
tion when  he  resurrects  himself  by  return  to  fortune. 

The  county  board  wanted  the  people  to  vote  a 
million  dollars  in  bonds  for  a  new  asylum,  and  as  I 
knew  it  to  be  a  boodle  trick  I  wrote  against  the  matter 
in  the  newspapers.  A  prominent  banker  invited  me 
to  his  house  to  dine,  apparently  sympathizing  with 
my  views,  and  as  he  pumped  me  to  know  what  more 
I  expected  to  do  in  opposing  the  vote  for  bonds,  I 
smelt  a  rat  and  found  that  he  was  bidding  on  the 
whole  lot  of  bonds. 

But  here  it  is,  twenty  years  after  all  this  took 
place,  and  the  boss  in  Chicago  is  supreme,  though  less 
known,  politics  just  as  rotten,  boodle  has  been  euph- 
emized  into  "graft,"  and  other  big  cities  are  as  badly 
off.  We  are  as  devoted  to  our  "kings"  as  they  are 
on  the  other  side  of  the  Atlantic,  and  the  flocking 
millions  from  there  will  keep  the  sentiment  alive. 

Herbert  Spencer  says  that:  "While  the  average 
feelings  of  people  continue  to  be  those  that  are  daily 
shown  it  would  be  no  more  proper  to  deprive  them  of 
their  king  than  it  would  be  proper  to  deprive  a  child 
of  its  doU." 

But  if  we  must  surrender  our  liberties  to  a 
sovereign,  why  go  to  the  rum  shop  to  find  him  ? 

Your  king  from  that  quarter  makes  pauperism, 
crime,  insanity  and  then  appoints  his  bartenders  to 
see  that  these  victims  are  comfortably  chased  to  their 
graves.      It  is  contended  that  saloon  keepers  are  as 

210  Tim  IN  A  doctok's  Ln^^E 

fit  as  anyone  for  office,  which  may  bo,  hut  it  does 
not  render  the  saloon  worthy  of  being  the  dictator 
of  who  is  to  fill  all  public  offices. 

A  Scotch  preacher  began  his  sermon:  "Brethren, 
I  shall  preach  from  the  text,  "the  deil  goeth  aboot 
like  a  roarin'  leon,  seekin'  whom  he  may  devoor;" 
firstly  I  will  tell  who  the  deil  he  is,  secondly  where 
the  deil  he  goeth,  and  thirdly  what  the  deil  he  is 
a  roorin'  aboot." 

Certainly  the  devil  let  loose  in  America  has  been 
the  saloon;  he  goeth  for  boodle  and  he  roars  against 
anyone  who  opposes  him. 

After  failing  to  reform  State  politics  in  securing 
decent  care  of  the  insane  in  1893,  when  superinten- 
dent of  the  State  Hospital,  and  coming  within  one 
vote  of  securing  the  directorship  of  the  largest  hos- 
pital for  insane  in  Pennsylvania,  I  finally  slipped 
up  on  founding  a  great  sanitarium  for  mentally  af- 
flicted, hoping  to  be  able  to  do  much  charity  work, 
and  realizing  that  the  Delaware  parties  who  pro- 
posed the  sanitarium  plan  to  me  were  wholly  unreli- 
able, I  visited  Dr.  John  W.  Ward,  the  alienist  and 
superintendent  of  the  'New  Jersey  State  Hospital,  at 
Trenton,  to  see  if  I  might  not  become  an  assistant 
to  him  in  his  medical  work;  but  I  had  come  at  an 
unpropitious  time,  for  the  poor  doctor,  with  the  best 
intentions  in  the  world,  was  harassed  by  politicians 
who  took  away  his  appointing  power,  made  a  pande- 
monium of  his  hospital,  political  fashion,  filled 
offices  with  the  sort  of  chaps  saloon  keepers  and  gam- 


biers  consort  with,  brought  typhoid  fever  into  the 
place  and  cut  off  his  medical  means  of  fighting  it, 
finally  ousting  him  altogether. 

A  great  stand  pipe,  open  at  the  top  into  which 
birds  dropped,  making  good  germ  cultures,  furnished 
the  drinking  water,  and  the  politicians  fought  Dr. 
Ward's  efforts  to  have  the  stand  pipe  cleaned  out. 
There  were  no  screens  to  many  windows  and  flies 
carried  offal  from  the  the  city  dump  of  night  soil  half 
way  from  Trenton  to  the  hospital.  The  warden,  who 
alone  had  power  to  purchase  anything,  or  do  anything 
at  the  place,  was  absent  in  Saratoga  having  a  good 
time  at  the  races. 

The  same  old  smells,  the  same  old  tricks,  the 
identical  villainous  mugs  among  the  attendants  that 
I  had  seen  a  quarter  of  a  century  before,  were  ob- 
vious, and  turning  a  corner  suddenly  I  encountered 
a  tough  looking  attendant  raising  his  arm  to  strike 
a  miserable  helpless  dement  who  was  not  walking 
fast  enough  to  suit  the  politician  over  him,  and  I 
heard  this  humane  person  say :  "Get  in  there,  you  — 

,  and  hurry  up,  or  I'll  smash  the  

head  off  of  you !" 

I  said  nothing  to  Ward  about  it  as  I  knew  he  had 
troubles  enough,  and  it  would  not  have  surprised 
him  anyway.  Had  he  full  charge  there  would  have 
been  no  such  scene. 

But  it  was  the  Chicago  insane  asylum  over  again 
after  25  years. 


A  favorite  poem  of  Abraham  Lincoln  began  with 
the  line: 

^'O,  why  should  the  spirit  of  mortal  be  proud !" 

I  have  often  wondered  if  army  martinets  who  are 
so  arrogant  and  inconsiderate  had  read  that  verse, 
and  if  so  how  they  could  answer  it. 

The  bulk  of  officers  are  easy  going  and  neither  too 
kind  nor  too  cruel,  with  occasionally  a  few  remark- 
ably good  chaps,  but  each  regiment  has  a  couple  at 
least  of  the  disagreeably  proud,  merciless  martinets, 
as  the  war  term  goes;  and  if  such  were  to  profit  by 
the  histories  of  how  many  such  heartless,  pompous 
fellows  wind  up  they  would  hide  their  magnificence 
and  make  things  less  uncomfortable  for  the  soldiers 
under  them. 

It  is  an  open  secret  that  it  isn't  worth  insuring  the 
lives  of  that  sort  of  tin  god  in  the  first  skirmish  or 
battle  they  get  into.  It  is  a  bad  thing  to  have  enemies 
to  fight  and  command  at  the  same  time. 

The  swash-buckler  of  old,  and  many  of  the  officers 
in  European  and  still  more  in  Asiatic  armies  are  of 
this  disposition,  and  the  farther  down  we  go  in  the 
scale  of  evolution  the  more  pronounced  do  we  find 
this  species  of  gorilla  and  baboon.    Wild  Africans  de- 

jSiARTiKEllS  213 

light  in  making  their  subjects  cringe  and  suffer.  It 
is  the  only  way  they  can  realize  their  superiority,  but 
it  is  wonderful  to  observe  a  shoulder  strapped  non- 
entity with  megalomania,  the  insanity  of  excessive 
self  importance. 

I  had  charge  of  a  paranoiac,  and  a  murderous  one 
he  was,  at  the  State  asylum,  who  refused  to  shake 
hands  with  anyone,  as  no  one  was  good  enough  to 
deserve  such  honor.  He  and  God  ran  the  universe, 
and  his  haughtiness  was  prodigious.  It  i-s  a  wonder  he 
never  had  a  commission. 

Captain  Giseke  commanded  my  company  in  the 
engineering  corps.  I  was  told  that  he  had  no  friends 
in  the  regiment,  hut  having  been  on  detached  service 
when  my  former  regiment  was  consolidated  with  the 
'corps  I  had  not  met  the  gelitleman  before.  My  rank 
was  artificer,  a  step  above  the  private  but  not  as  high 
as  a  corporal.  While  in  S'ashville  I  secured  permis- 
sion to  raise  a  regimeiit  of  my  own  from  the  military 
governor  of  Tennessee,  and  had  enough  men  enrolled 
-to  secure  my  promotion. 

Returning  one  night  to  the  corps  camp  T  was  talk- 
ing to  the  first  sergeant  Schubert,  a  splendid,  well 
educated  young  man,  and  had  arranged  to  stay  in  his 
tent  that  night.  In  came  Giseke  with  the  command, 
*^Go  to  your  quarters,  sir.  You  have  no  business 

There  was  still  further  bluster  and  a  threat  of  the 
'guard  house  when  I  asked  permiss^ion  to  remain  in  the 
large  tent  of  the  sergeant,  whose  extra  space  was  due 


to  his  also  being  company  clerk  and  a  draughting  en- 

Schubert  stood  at  attention  and  saluted  his 
majesty  with  the  information:  '^Ilere  is  the  lieuten- 
ant's commission,  captain,  and  I  was  making  out  his 
discharge  from  our  regiment,  by  reason  of  promotion, 
for  the  colonel  to  sign.'' 

So  as  a  commissioned  officer  I  was  on  equal  terms, 
and  the  change  of  manner  to  the  deferential  and  syco- 
phantic was  enough  to  disturb  one's  digestion. 

Kipling  tells  of  a  ^ 'Johnny-come-lately,"  as  new 
officers  are  called,  in  charge  of  a  company  to  protect 
some  constructing  bridge  engineers  in  the  Boer  war. 
This  lieutenant  was  so  important  in  his  own  estima- 
tion that  he  filled  the  guard  house  with  soldiers  for 
trifling  matters  such  as  saluting  him.  carelessly.  He 
put  the  engineers  under  arrest  for  not  stopping  work 
and  standing  idly  at  attention  in  his  presence,  and  by 
interfering  at  a  critical  moment  the  bridge  was  de- 
stroyed and  the  army  corps  approaching  had  no  means 
of  crossing  the  stream.  Kipling  tells  how  General 
"Bobs"  mildly  felt  around  till  he  got  hold  of  that 
little  martinet's  soul  and  then  blew  his  nose  on  it. 

Time  and  again  this  megalomania  has  destroyed 
business,  prevented  important  achievements,  driven 
away  capital  from  investing,  and  lessened  profits.  See 
the  strutting,  insolent  floor-walker  who  antagonizes 
customers  and  underlings  alike  for  not  worshipping 
him  on  sight.  Oriental  despots  were  insulted  if  any 
one  intimated  the  approach  of  an  irresistible  enemy,- 

MARTlNl:TS  215 

cutting  off  the  head  of  the  bearer  of  bad  news.  The 
head  clerk  autocrat  has  wanted  to  murder  a  steno- 
grapher for  daring  to  correct  his  bad  spelling. 

Carl  Schurz  in  a  magazine  article  tells  how  Chan- 
cellorsville  battle  was  lost  by  General  Howard  through 
refusing  to  listen  to  Schurz's  report  that  he  had  seen 
General  Lee  flanking  them,  and  then  blaming  the  de- 
feat upon  these  who  would  have  saved  him  if  allowed, 
^'Schurz  and  his  Dutchmen." 

But  man,  proud  mau, 

Drest  in  a  little  brief  authority, 

Most  ignorant  of  what  he's  most  assured, 

His  glassy  essence,  like  an  angry  ape. 

Plays  such  fantastic  tricks  before  high  heaven 

As  make  the  angels  weep. 

In  Maurier's  famous  '"Trilby,"  little  ''Billee"  tries 
to  talk  to  a  martinet  clergyman  almost  too  gi-^nd  for 
this  earth,  and  I  once  encountered  a  specimen  of  the 
kind  holding  forth  at  the  most  fashionable  Episcopal 
<3hurch  in  Chicago. 

I  had  brought  a  letter  of  introduction  to  him  from 
the  bishop  of  iSTebraska,  a  kind-hearted,  able  man. 
The  letter  secured  me  politeness,  at  least,  with  a 
promise  to  call  on  me,  voluntarily  made,  though  I  was 
only  a  medical  student. 

The  next  year,  with  my  little  family,  I  attended 
services  at  the  church  and  my  good  friend  the  bishop 
happening  to  be  present  introduced  us  to  the  min- 
ister personally,  who  drew  himself  up  stiffly  and 
looked  over  our  heads.     The  bishop  must  have  told 

21 G  FUN  IN"  A  DOCTOR^S  Lt^tl 

him  that  though  at  one  time  we  were  in  comfortaMe 
circumstances  we  were  now  struggling  to  get  on  and 
asked  his  assistance  if  occasion  arose,  which  we  would 
never  have  invoked  under  any  stress  of  weather. 

My  little  daughter  Martha  settled  things  by  re- 
marking proudly  to  the  bishop  that  "we  walked  all  the 
way  from  37th  street  to  see  you  here."  As  those  worthy 
of  notice  in  that  church  always  came  in  carriages,  and 
though  a  horse  car  trip  might  be  overlooked,  mention 
of  coming  down  to  the  level  of  Christ  by  walking  was 
unforgivable,  so  as  the  bishop  told  of  our  having  lived 
in  Dakota,  the  chesty  parson  turned  away  with :  "Ah, 
some  of  your  Dakota  Indians,  I  suppose !" 

In  the  fashionable  congregation  was  a  wealthy 
homeo  who  had  the  reputation  of  passing  the  plate 
and  the  sound  for  the  church. 

On  the  front  of  the  building  was  the  inscription^ 
over  a  faucet  in  a  niche :  "Ho,  all  ye  that  thirst." 

But  it  was  a  dummy  fountain. 

I  have  often  laughed  at  the  appropriateness  of  it. 

An  excitable  chemist  friend  of  mine  who  had 
tried  to  get  into  Plymouth  church,  Brooklyn,  during' 
the  Beecher  sensational  times,  and  whose  seedy  clothes^ 
barred  him,  vehemently  remarked : 

"Why,  if  Jesus  Christ  came  to  Plymouth  church- 
with  his  jack-plane  under  his  arm  the  usher  would' 
kick  him  out  with  the  information  that  Ve  don't  want' 
any  damned  greasy  mechanics  in  here.'  " 

As  a  boy  with  unformed  but  fairly  aimed  princi- 
ples, in  wild  western  places  like  Kansas,  Colorado  and^ 

MAETINfiTS  2l7 

JTcw  Mexico,  T  constantly  heard  of  the  fortunes  made 
in  liquor  selling,  and  at  that  time  adulterations  had 
not  gone  to  their  present  extremes.  It  was  with  much 
misgiving,  however,  that  I  talked  to  my  aunt  about 
asking  uncle  to  set  me  up  with  a  cargo  of  liquor  for 
Santa  Fe  wholesale  trade,  and  she,  good,  kindly  old 
lady,  advised  me  to  see  both  my  mother's  minister  and 
her  own.  The  Episcopalian  did  not  see  so  much  harm 
in  the  wholesale  line,  atid  thought  that  as  it  was  £t 
regular  merchandise  there  could  be  no  wrong  in  deal- 
ing in  it ;  the  Presbyterian  talked  much  of  himself  and 
his  ability  as  an  orator  and  thought  the  trade  was  all 
right,  that  a  number  of  respectable  men  were  in  it, 
and  so  on.  I  told  the  old  gentleman,  my  uncle,  about 
what  the  preachers  said,  but  he  didn't  like  the  business 
and  flatly  refused  to  have  me  in  it,  for  which  I  have 
been  profoundly  thalikful  ever  since,  for  if  there  is  a 
pestiferous  occupation  on  earth  it  is  that  same  rumi 
selling.  Youngsters  know  so  little  of  the  world  they 
have  to  be  taught  these  things,  and  the  present  revul- 
sion against  the  accursed  business  is  the  outcome  of 
fifty  years  steady^  sometimes  apparently  hopeless, work 
of  the  prohibitionists  and  temperance  advocates.  And 
Scientific  writers  and  teachers  have  co-operated  with 
the  more  emotional  workers  by  demonstrating  the 
truth  of  temperance  doctrines.  At  the  conclusion  of 
my  Medical  Jurisprudence  of  Insanity,  in  1889,  1 
said  with  regard  to  whiskey  dealers  creating  paupers, 
insane,  criminals,  and  misery  of  other  kinds,  ancf 
Securing  offices  that  enabled  them  to  actually  chase 

218  FUN  IN  A  DOCTOR^S  LtFii 

their  victims  to  their  graves,  when  in  charge  of  puMic 
institutions,  such  as  poor  houses,  hospitals,  jails  and 
asylums:  Honest  candidates  fof  public  offices  cannot 
be  secured  till  there  is  destruction  of  the  power  for 
evil  now  defiantly  exercised  by  the  gambler  and  rum- 
seller.  A  chapter  in  the  second  volume  of  that  work 
dwells  on  alcoholism  as  a  prolific  cause  of  insanity. 

All  this  seems  digressing  but  it  has  reference  to 
the  sameness  of  human  nature  in  preachers,  political 
bosses,  soldiers,  and  others;  the  disposition  to  justify 
any  wealth-getting  means  without  regard  to  the  suf- 
fering to  others.  We  would  not  have  been  "Indians 
from  Dakota"  if  possessed  of  means  from  whiskey 

I  told  two  fashionable,  very  popular  pl'eachers  of 
the  '80's  with  filled  pews  by  thousands,  about  the 
atrocities  of  politicians  at  the  asylum,  but  both  de- 
clined to  "talk  politics  from  the  pulpit." 

Philosophers  speak  of  the  degeneracy  of  institu- 
tions in  their  finally  subverting  the  very  principles 
upon  which  they  were  founded,  like  the  Russian 
church  reverencing  the  shadow  and  destroying  the 
substance  of  simple  Christianity.  Reforms,  also, 
come  from  outside  and  are  forced  upon  societies 
who  claim  to  be  in  advance  on  those  subjects.  Yet 
as  soon  as  the  change  for  the  better  is  forced  Upon 
them  they  loudly  lay  claim  to  its  origination. 

Huxley  refers  to  the  coach  dog  who  trots  along 
under  the  coach  all  day  on  a  straight  road,  but  at  a 
turn,  when  he  finds  out  in  what  direction  the  pro- 

Martinets  2i9 

Cession  is  headed,  runs  ahead  barking  and  pretending 
that  he  leads  it. 

And  the  worst  of  it  is  there  are  good,  earnest 
chaps  in  evei'y  set  who  would^  even  in  churches,  will- 
ingly thunder  like  Savonarola  against  the  wrong,  but 
like  that  hot  head  they  are  suppressed  till  the  reform 
is  inevitable,  then  they  are  permitted  to  speak,  and 
we  hear:  "See  the  good  we  do."  That  is  if,  unlike 
Savonarola,  they  are  on  earth  when  the  change  be- 
comes popular. 

In  Chicago  I  have  seen  judicial  martinets  bull- 
dozing plaintiffs  against  rich  corporations,  terrify- 
ing friendless  defendants,  fining  attorneys  for  sneez- 
ing in  court,  construing  gestures  or  casual  remarks 
into  contempt  of  court,  emulating  the  blood  thirsty 
Lord  Jeffreys.  Boom-booming  with  arrogant  bass 
voice  like  King  Richard  on  the  battle  field  in  the 
play.  Scarce  a  witness  could  appear  without  being 
insulted,  nor  a  juror  escape  a  scolding.  Judicial 
martinets  are  frequent,  and  lawyers  assume  the  role 
too  often  in  cross-examinations,  taking  cowardly  ad- 
vantage of  the  helplessness  of  the  witness,  as  one  who 
could  rob  a  baby  in  exercising  prowess  upon  oppor- 

Judge  Baker  was  an  able  and  geiiiail  jurist  but  at 
times  ill-tempered.  He  blew  up  the  lawyers  for  trick- 
ery, but  never  unjustly.  Upon  his  re-election  his 
desk  was  covered  with  floral  tributes,  among  which 
was  an  album  open  at  a  page  on  which  in  letters  of 
flowers  were  the  words :  "Merit,  not  Temper,  was  the 

test."  The  old  man  was  too  pleased  at  the  offerings 
and  evidences  of  esteem  to  get  cocky  over  the  inscrip- 
tion, but  his  eyes  kept  sidling  toward  that  album  all 
the  morning  of  that  session.  An  impudent  shystei^ 
was  irritating  me  once  in  Baker^s  court  when  I  was 
giving  expert  testimony  and  I  remarked  to  the 
lawyer:  ^^You  have  no  ignorant  jury  to  make  grand- 
stand plays  before.  This  case  is  being  tried  by  an 
intelligent  judge. 

Baker  scolded  me  oiice  in  this  wise : 

"Doctor,  you  can  have  a  non-suit  in  this  case 
as  plaintiff  for  $1500  against  the  father-in-law  of 
Collier,  who  engaged  you  to  present  reasons  why  that 
lunatic  should  not  be  allowed  to  persecute  his  family 
and  dissipate  its  fortune,  but  you  should  have  had  a 
written  contract  from  the  one  who  secured  your  ser- 
vices, then  you  would  not  have  had  to  depend  upon  the 
lawyer  you  worked  with  to  substantiate  your  claim." 

That  lawyer  botched  the  testimony  that  might 
Jiave  helped  me  win  my  case  by  being  promised  fees 
in  his  own  case  if  he  would  go  back  on  me,  and  the 
joke  of  it  was  the  defendant  threw  the  attorney,  alsoj 
as  soon  as  he  gave  his  faulty  testimony  that  lost  my 
fees.  Then  this  duck  sent  word  to  my  lawyers  that 
he  would  now  testify  for  nie  strongly,  but  1  told  him 
to  go  to  gehenna. 

This  suit  was  eight  years  in  court  and  finally  com- 
promised for  $Y5,  half  of  which  the  lawyers  got  for 
looking  after  the  case  before  three  judges;  a  very  rea- 
sonable  charge,  considering. 


Martinet  doctors  have  abused  plaintiffs  in  damage 
suits  they  accused  of  malingering,  resorting  to  cruelty 
to  extort  admissions  of  fraud,  and  I  knew  a  surgeon 
who  received  a  weekly  sum  taken  from  the  wages  of 
workmen  in  a  rolling  mill,  who  when  their  families 
needed  his  services  put  them  off  with  abuse  and  de- 
nunciations of  their  pretended  sickness. 

In  medical  co-operation  such  possibilities  are  to 
be  considered,  not  only  the  fact  thai  patients  under 
such  circumstances  may  demand  hardship  service  of 
the  doctor  engaged,  making  false  claims  and  running 
the  physician  to  death,  but  occasionally  the  martinet 
doctor  may  enter  into  the  arrangement  and  try  to  get 
out  of  giving  any  service  for  the  large  fees  he  takes 
from  the  men's  wages. 

I  saw  General  John  C.  Fremont  when  he  com- 
manded the  Department  of  the  Missouri.  His  fav- 
orite promenade  was  up  Choteau  Avenue  in  his  open 
barouche  with  arms  folded,  a  la  ^N'apoleon,  before  and 
behind  rode  his  lancers,  the  Cossack,  German,  Swiss, 
French,  Italian  guards  in  harlequin  costumes.  He  was 
as  unapproachable  as  royalty,  and  as  much  stuck  on 
himself.  He  abolished  slavery  in  Missouri  far  ahead 
of  the  times  being  ripe  for  it,  and  there  was  no  telling 
what  megalomanic  trick  he  would  have  tried  next  had 
not  President  Lincoln  sent  the  assistant  secretary  of 
war,  Dana,  to  remove  him  and  have  him  turn  over 
his  army  to  General  Grant. 

To  escape  Dana  and  keep  his  job  as  long  as 
possible,  till  his  plans  to  become  emperor  of  Galifor- 

00 .) 


nia  or  some  other  ])lace  had  matured,  he  took  the  field 
and  thought  he  had  barred  the  President's  notice  to 
vacate,  but  Dana  disguised  himself  as  a  farmer  with 
information  about  the  rebel  general  Price,  and  served 
the  papers  at  the  risk  of  being  hung  or  shot  for  it. 

Fremont  sent  soldiers  to  explore  a  pass  in  the 
mountains,  remaining  comfortably  at  Ft.  Bent,  in 
Colorado,  himself.  He  named  a  mountain  after  him- 
self, but  in  Colorado  it  is  called  Greenhorn,  as  officers 
and  men  on  the  "great  Fremont  expedition"  perished 
from  blundering  the  route. 

Senator  T.  H.  Benton's  pull  made  this  great  gen- 
eral, who  married  the  daughter  of  the  senator.  Prob- 
ably like  Lord  Melbourne  they  were  glad  there  was  no 
question  of  damned  merit  in  such  selection. 

A  California  newspaper,  retorting  upon  some 
laudation  of  Fremont  as  a  famous  general,  politician 
and  millionaire,  remarked  that  Fremont  was  a  gen- 
eral who  never  won  a  battle,  a  politician  who  was 
always  in  the  wrong  and  a  millionaire  not  worth  a 
continental  dime. 

True  greatness  of  intellect  is  often  associated  with 
tender-heartedness,  remarkably  so  in  Abraham  Lin- 
coln's character,  and  comrades  in  arms  are  often  like 
affectionate  families.  I  can  recall  remarkable  in- 
stances of  self  sacrifice  during  the  war.  One  soldier 
at  Andersonville  prison  pen  kept  large  numbers  of 
his  fellow  captives  cheered  up  and  well  by  looking 
after  them  intelligently.  At  one  time  the  water 
failed  and    he  unraveled    a    stocking   to    get   string 


enough  to  let  a  can  down  to  the  water  in  the  well  and 
kept  hundreds  from  dying  of  thirst. 

As  General  Sherman  remarked,  ^Var  is  hell/'  but 
much  of  its  fierceness  can  be  lessened  by  considera- 
tion for  others,  friends  and  enemies. 

Col.  Chester  Harding,  of  one  of  my  regiments,  had 
overlooked  the  absence  of  recruits  from  squad  drill 
several  times  but  was  compelled  to  issue  orders  for 
better  attendance.  The  worst  of  it  was  it  took  place 
before  reveille  and  we  went  breakfastless  till  the  drill 
sergeant  let  us  go. 

Being  company  clerk,  I  several  times  worked 
till  morning  at  the  rolls  and  records  and  should  have 
been  excused,  but  was  too  sleepy  to  even  hear  the 
morning  drum  beats  and  trumpets  on  such  occasions. 

A  dozen  of  us  were  lined  up  for  the  colonel's 
reprimand.  ^^Boys,"  said  he,  ^'I  have  let  you  off  too 
often  and  now  will  have  to  make  an  example  of  you 
by  putting  you  in  the  guard  house  for  the  day."  He 
saw  me  in  the  ranks,  and  being  fond  of  me  he  let  all 
of  us  off  "this  time,"  with  a  warning. 

General  George  H.  Thomas  was  a  good  man  in 
many  respects;  modest,  considerate  and  very  able  as 
a  commander.    The  army  called  him  "Pap  Thomas." 

A  martinet  physician  was  once  president  of  the 
Chicago  Medical  Society.  He  could  not  be  digni- 
fied without  being  offensive.  He  never  served  a 
subsequent  term  as  president  of  the  society. 

There  was  one  in  charge  of  the  Elgin  insane 
asylum,  a  homeo  who  was  merely  a  politician  devoid 


of  any  medical  knowledge.  I  was  sent  by  relatives  of 
a  patient  to  diagnose  a  case  in  his  care  which  he  had 
pronounced  as  paresis,  and  therefore  incurable.  To 
my  surprise  there  was  not  a  single  symptom  of  par- 
etic dementia  about  the  case  but,  to  any  alienist, 
evidences  of  luetic  insanity,  and  I  immediately  ad- 
vised appropriate  treatment,  but  the  pride  of  the  igno- 
ramus was  aroused  and  he  would  have  let  the  man  die 
rather  than  see  him  recover  under  treatment  he  had 
pronounced  as  improper.  He  didn't  believe  in  "med- 
icines of  the  old  school."  With  difficulty  we  secured 
an  order  from  the  county  judge  for  his  removal  to  a 
private  institution,  where  under  vigorous  doses  of 
potassium  iodide  the  patient  promptly  recovered  his 
mind  and  went  back  to  his  business  in  Chicago. 

As  a  little  side  commentary  on  remarkable  prej- 
udices among  those  who  had  not  acquired  the  merci- 
fulness of  the  doctor  business,  the  judge  who  granted 
the  transfer  remarked  that  he  was  inclined  to  let 
nature  take  its  course  in  this  instance  rather  than  in- 
terpose with  treatment  that  would  remove  the  penalty 
for  transgression.  With  the  disposition  that  a  doctor 
acquires  not  to  judge  of  responsibility  of  the  wilder- 
ness full  of  apes,  that  sort  of  dictum  jars;  but  the 
judge  was  otherwise  a  humane  fellow  and  is  now  on 
the  supreme  bench. 

The  lower  down  we  go  the  more  strutty  becomes 
the  martinet.  The  court  bailiif  is  frequently  the  most 
pompous,  like  the  church  beadle  in  England.  And, 
as   too    often   was   the   case,    when    the   bailiff   had 


been  a  bartender,  his  '^bouncing"  habits  were  hard 
to  subdue. 

Sometimes  politeness  and  cruelty  of  the  kind  are 
joined.  Captain  Howgate,  the  defaulter,  while  in 
charge  of  the  signal  service  students  at  Washington, 
D.  C,  used  to  forgive  sergeants  for  overstaying  their 
passes  from  Fort  Whipple  and  at  the  same  instant 
telegraph  orders  to  put  the  absentee  in  the  guard 
house  as  soon  as  he  returned.  He  delighted  in  mak- 
ing others  miserable  and  in  enjoying  his  stolen  wealth, 
while  having  much  to  crave  mercy  for  himself.  He 
suffered  enough,  finally. 

Sometimes  jealousy  may  lead  a  community  to  be 
disagreeable  to  excellence,  as  when  Dr.  ISTicholas  Senn 
was  beginning  his  famous  career  as  an  antiseptic 
surgeon  in  Milwaukee,  where  the  physicians  for  the 
most  part  snubbed  him  and  interfered  with  his  work 
in  a  shameful  manner,  trying  to  prejudice  people 
against  his  methods  which  finally  triumphed  and 
brought  these  same  persecutors  to  study  at  his  clinics. 

So  Ambrose  Pare,  the  great  surgeon  of  the  time 
of  Henri  II.  and  Francois  II.,  was  bounded  by  con- 
freres who  should  have  been  proud  of  him,  but  class 
prejudice  makes  martinets. 

I  was  in  the  armies  commanded  by  Fremont, 
Grant,  Thomas,  McPherson,  Howard  in  the  south, 
and  got  my  promotion  as  my  engineer  corps  was  join- 
ing Sherman  on  his  famous  march  to  the  sea.  Colonel 
Flad  had  barely  time  to  sign  my  discharge  at  a  rail- 
road switchman's  little  station,  grasp  my  hand  and 


congratnlato  me,  jump  on  his  train  and  leave  with  the 
regiment  for  Atlanta.  Only  300  of  that  corps,  from 
1800  originally  enrolled,  returned  from  that  march. 
In  the  encampment  of  the  grand  army  in  Chicago  in 
1900  only  one  of  the  corps  was  present  besides  myself. 

General  Grant  was  easily  approached  and  unas- 
suming. I  saw  him  while  he  was  president  at  a 
theatre  in  Washington,  King  Kalikeaua,  of  Hawaii, 
came  to  a  box  opposite  that  of  Grant's  and  the  general 
went  behind  the  seats  of  his  family  oat  of  sight. 

"Calico"  was  dark  skinned,  tall  and  very  dissi- 
pated. When  passing  through  Chicago  the  mayor  met 
him  at  the  Palmer  House  and  slapped  him  on  the 
back  with  the  greeting:  "hurry  up,  Mr.  King,  lets 
wash  our  hands  and  go  in  to  dinner?" 

Having  run  off  into  a  mention  of  notables  aside 
from  martinets,  I  may  as  well  conclude  my  list  of 
those  remembered. 

Andrew  Johnson,  when  military  governor  of  Ten- 
nessee, gave  me  my  commission  as  first  lieutenant. 
Johnson  was  inclined  to  drink  too  much  at  times,  but 
I  was  puzzled  at  much  that  he  did,  though  I  always 
liked  him,  and  when  long  after  the  war  I  read  a  book 
called  "The  Clansman"  much  was  explained  and  it 
satisfied  me  that  Johnson  really  tried  to  carry  out 
Lincoln's  ideas,  but  was  prevented  by  demagogues 
and  fanatics  like  Stevenson,  who  forced  the  franchise 
upon  a  race  incapable  of  properly  using  it.  I  think 
now  that  Lincoln  hoped  to  send  all  f  reedmen  to  Liber- 
ia and  other  parts  of  Africa.     This  would  have  for- 


ever  settled  a  problem  that  will  be  worse  as  decades  go 


Mj  brigade  was  encamped  on  hills  overlooking 
Knoxville,  on  our  way  to  join  the  army  of  the  Poto- 
mac, but  the  surrender  of  Lee  at  Appomatox  and 
escape  of  Johnson  with  Jeff.  Davis  diverted  us  toward 
^orth  Carolina  to  head  off  that  detachment  of  the 
rebel  army.  The  news  of  Lincoln's  assassination  was 
brought  to  our  camp  at  Knoxville,  and  the  soldiers 
were  stunned,  for  we  could  see  no  possible  sense  in 
such  a  murder.  Absolutely  nothing  was  to  be  gained 
by  it  and  we  finally  realized  that  it  was  the  act  of  a 
lunatic  instigated  by  demons  of  fanatics  too  cowardly 
to  perform  it  themselves.  Lincoln  would  have  made 
things  far  easier  for  the  south  than  they  were  made 
later;  there  would  have  been  no  freedman  trouble, 
no  ku  Mux  clan,  no  carpet  baggers,for  the  great  intel- 
lect that  had  been  allowed  merely  a  glimpse  of  the 
"promised  land"  was  to  be  succeeded  by  inferior  and 
more  selfish  control. 

James  K.  Polk  was  buried  in  the  front  garden  of 
his  house  in  E'ashville,  Tennessee,  near  the  state  capi- 
tol  building.  His  tomb  resembled  an  old  fashioned 
four-post  bedstead  with  tester,  or  canopy.  Several 
times  I  observed  his  widow  placing  flowers  on  the 
tomb  during  the  Civil  War. 

General  Sheridan  and  his  staff  officers  came  down 
the  Missouri  river  from  Montana  on  the  same  steamer 
I  was  on  in  1870.  There  was  much  card  playing  and 
liquid  jollification  in  the  after-cabin.     Sheridan  was 


a  simple,  easy  going,  straight  forward  general.  In 
fact,  the  best  of  the  army  were  plain,  unaffected, 
honest  men,  and  greatly  respected  for  being  so,  where 
martinets  were  hated. 

Henry  Clay  called  on  my  mother  concerning  the 
bust  my  father  had  made  at  Clay's  request,  and  my 
little  sister,  aged  seven,  shook  hands  with  him,  taking 
him  for  a  giant  stepped  out  of  a  fairy  tale,  as  he 
bent  over  to  greet  the  little  one. 

At  Yankton,  Dakota  Territory,  General  Custer 
was  camped  with  his  seventh  cavalry  just  before  the 
massacre  on  the  Little  Big  Horn.  A  great  snow 
storm  tore  down  the  tents  and  scattered  the  cavalry- 
men and  horses  among  the  towns  people.  My  mother 
invited  him  and  his  wife  to  come  to  our  home  for 
food  and  shelter,  but  he  thanked  us  and  remained 
near  the  destroyed  camp.  He  wore  long  hair  and 
was  fearfully  reckless  in  attacking  an  enemy. 

When  I  was  a  boy  I  saw  Millard  Fillmore  ad- 
dressing people  from  the  steps  of  Municipality  Hall, 
in  ITew  Orleans,  and  picked  up  a  pamphlet  abusing 
Franklin  Pierce,  and  heard  Jenny  Lind  sing  at  the 
cathedral,  seats  selling  for  $1,000  a  pew  in  some 


Ubi  sunt  que  ante  nos, 
In  mundo  fuere? 
Vadite  ad  inferos, 
Transite  ad  superos; 
Ubi  jam  fuere,  fuere. 

Slip,  slide  go  the  years,  and  you  think  that  fellow 
walking  on  the  other  side  of  the  street,  whom  you 
see  from  your  window,  ought  to  come  up  to  see  you, 
and  suddenly  you  remember  that  the  chap  you  mis- 
took him  for  has  been  food  for  worms,  lo,  these  many 

There  is  something  annoying  and  depressing  about 
such  things,  but  a  scientific  man  is  readier  recon- 
ciled to  the  courses  of  events,  or  should  be,  than 
others.  It  is  more  serious  to  be  bom  than  to  die; 
and  a  nature  student  wonders  what  is  beyond,  gets 
kind  of  curious  to  know,  and  is  more  likely  than 
others  to  smile  at  approaching  dissolution  as  "all  in 
the  day's  work"  and  no  more  to  be  dreaded  than 
going  to  sleep, 

Stephen  A.  Douglas  left  property  on  34th  street 
and  Cottage  Grove  avenue,  in  Chicago,  to  found  a 
university  to  be  named  after  him.  It  was  dubbed 
Chicago  University,  and  the  saints  in  charge  thought 
they  could  please  heaven  by  misappropriating  part 

2oO  FUN  IN  A  DOCTOR'S  Liri^ 

of  the  ground  for  a  theological  seminary.  Eott  tli^^ 
^^miversity"  and^^seminary"  perished  from  bad  man- 
agement and  bad  faith  with  the  Douglas  heirs,  and 
even  the  corner  stone,  laid  with  great  ceremony,  could 
not  be  found  as  the  old  building  was  torn  down  to  be 
replaced  by  residence  lots.  The  coal  oil  university 
having  succeeded  to  the  designation.  The  great, 
mushroomy  collection  of  buildings,  copied  after  Ox- 
ford, England,  appropriately  going  back  in  the  dirri 
centuries  for  architecture  suitable  for  aristocratic 
conservative  brain  gripping  for  rich  folk's  youngsters, 
to  supplement  the  dope  cigarette  destruction  of  their 
alleged  thinking  apparatus. 

Instead  of  affairs  for  rich  dawdlers,  Carnegie  took 
a  forward  step  in  affording  poor  boys  fellowship  and 
free  tuition  in  Scotland  in  the  higher  branches.  Cor-^ 
nell's  idea  of  making  available  any  study  to  anyone 
is  best  and  would  be  better  if  everyone  were  enabled 
to  have  it  free  of  cost. 

But  the  technology  schools  are  going  to  knock  the 
existence  out  of  the  puppy  making  "universities;" 
the  latter  are  dying  of  slow,  dry  rot,  and  "diplomas"' 
from  them  no  longer  recommend  io  any  thing  or 
place  or  body. 

Tempora  mutantur,  sure  enough.  One  of  these- 
days,  when  Macauiey's  ISTew  Zealander  stands  on  Lon- 
don bridge  looking  at  the  ruins  of  Westminster,  he 
will  tell  his  little  boy  how  thousands  of  years  aga 
Ptolemy  Rockegie  and  Cheops  Carnefeller  forced  toil- 
ing millions  of  subjects  to  drag  stones  at  their  own; 

OLD    CHICAGO  .231 

expense  to  build  great  pyramids  to  perpetuate  their 
names  and  souls;  how  Kidd-Morgan  cleaned  out  the 
United  States  Treasury  and  bought  up  all  the  paint- 
ings in  Europe  to  secure  similar  notice,  and  Pullham 
piled  tons  of  railroad  iron  above  and  beneath  him  to 
preserve  his  body  after  the  Egyptian  plan  of  getting 
away  with  a  soul. 

There  was  also  a  "Temple  of  Fame"  in  J^ew  York, 
as  authority  on  greatness,  but  it  was  calcined  by  time, 
and  the  record  slabs  of  marble  converted  into  soda 
water,  effervescing  the  famous  in  carbonic  acid. 

Life's  but  a  walking  shadow,  a  poor  player. 
That  struts  and  frets  his  hour  upon  the  stage 
And  then  is  heard  no  more;  it  is  a  tale 
Told  by  an  idiot,  full  of  sound  and  fury, 
Signfying  nothing. 

A  granite  monolith  a  hundred  feet  high  is  in  a 
cemetery  of  Chicago  over  "Long  John  Wentworth;'' 
he  was  better  known  than  Ponce  de  Leon  in  his  day, 
but  as  Holmes  asks :  "Why  seek  to  perpetuate  names 
in  a  planet  whose  crust  is  fossils  and  whose  center  is 

"Kind  words  are  more  than  coronets,"  sang  Ten- 
nyson, and  then  wrote  toady,  kind  words  for  prince- 
lings, unlike  joking  Tom  Hood,  who  wrote  about  and 
for  the  suffering  poor. 

But  we  were  supposed  to  be  talking  of  old  Chicago. 
Age  is  relative  like  other  things,  and  when  I  first  saw 
Chicago  its  few  bridges  were  turned  by  hand,  its 
streets  were  unpaved,  sidewalks  in  pits  and  on  stilts 


along  Madison  street,  tiring  you  with  walking  ttp  and 
down  stairs ;  the  population  was  84,000  in  Chicago  in 
1856,  the  jear  of  my  visit  on  the  way  to  Madison, 
Wisconsin  lakes,  for  my  schoolboy  vacation,  and  the 
census  of  St.  Louis  for  the  same  year  gave  125,000.- 
Commercial  travelers  dispersed  from  St.  Louis,  the 
greatest  western  city  of  the  time;  Chicago,  lacking 
commercial  importance,  had  no  "drummers."  One  o£ 
these  important  travelers  sitting  in  the  same  Parmlee 
bus  with  me  remarked  that  "this  dirty  little  mud  hole 
Chicago  aspired  to  rival  St.  Louis.  Why,  if  anything 
would  kill  the  place  it  is  this  bridging  business  V^ 
referring  to  our  being  unable  to  cross  the  river  while 
the  bridge-tender  walked  around  his  treadmill  to  swing 
the  bridge,  nearly  missing  the  train  for  us  by  delay. 
We  transferred  from  the  old  Randolph  street  and 
Michigan  avenue  Illinois  Central  depot  to  the  Well& 
street  depot  located  as  today,  except  that  the  former 
has  gone  farther  up  town.  And  the  same  old  Parma- 
lee  omnibuses  that  Father  Marquette  and  Chevalier 
de  la  Salle  rode  in  to  welcome  Lafayette  and  Noah 
still  ply  bcween  depots  in  Chicago. 

But  that  commercial  traveler  should  have  taken^ 
the  old  darkey's  advice :  "Don't  ye  never  profesy,  on- 
less  ye  know !" 

In  1880  I  was  crossing  that  bridge,  or  rather  its^ 
successor,  one  dark  night,  returning  from  a  medical 
visit  on  the  north  side,  and  in  the  gas  light  saw  a 
couple  of  men  ahead  some  distance,  and  at  the  bridge 
they  both  appeared  drunk;  speculating  upon  this  sud- 

OLD    CHICAGO  233 

cten  intoxication,  the  smell  of  the  river  was  bad 
enough  then  but  not  from  the  sort  of  poison  that  makes 
inebriates,  it  struck  me  that  drunk  as  they  seemed  they 
were  waiting  for  me.  I  had  nothing  more  formidable 
than  a  flat  tongue  spatula  handle  which,  taking  by  its 
wires,  I  flourished  so  the  light  would  gleam  on  its 
silvered  resemblance  to  a  pistol.  The  trick  worked, 
for  suddenly  my  drunkards  braced  up  and  walked  on 
to  streets  not  so  lonely. 

I  took  an  Archer  road  street  car  to  22d  street, 
where  I  left  it  to  walk  to  37th,  as  no  cars  ran  my  way 
at  three  o'clock  in  the  morning,  and  as  I  passed  50 
cents  to  the  conductor  through  the  door-hole  from  the 
front  platform,  I  thought  I  would  look  at  my  change 
near  a  gas  lamp.  It  counted  up  four  three  cent  pieces 
and  a  penny,  instead  of  four  dimes  and  a  nickel.  Coins 
like  the  twenty  cent  pieces  and  three  cent  silver  ones 
gave  chances  for  mistakes,  to  call  it  mildly. 

The  town  limits  at  this  later  period  ranged  from 
Chicago  avenue  to  39th  street,  and  west  to  Halsted 
street,  now  probably  the  longest  street  in  any  city. 

There  was  a  jolly  Shanghai  rooster  of  a  doctor,  a 
tall  Yankee  named  Payne,  on  the  south  side,  and  his 
jocularities  made  him  very  entertaining  ;  he  enjoyed 
a  joke  even  on  himself,  which  is  unusual  wth  jokers. 

He  told  me  of  a  loyal  old  nurse  of  mine,  before  the 
training  days,  who  liked  to  boast  of  what  Dr.  Cleven- 
ger  could  do,  nor  was  she  particular  in  her  enthusiasm 
to  stick  to  facts  always. 

He  had  her  help  in  a  case  and  expressed  pleasure 


that  the  patient's  temperature  had  fallen  from  104 
degrees  to  99.  She  availed  hers(>lf  of  the  chance  to 
tell  him  that  I  had  brought  down  the  thermometer 
in  a  case  she  cared  for  from  200  to  50  degress.  Payne 
said  to  me  :  "I  hope  you  were  satisfied."  It  was  one 
instance  of  ^^deliver  us  from  our  friends." 

But  it  is  the  surgeon  who  has  brags  made  of  his 
prowess,  such  as  taking  out  eyes  and  brains  and  re- 
placing them.  The  silver  plate  for  brain  injury  also 
dies  hard.  Apropos  of  brain  surgery,  it  is  told  of  a 
colonel  in  the  Civil  War  having  his  skull  erdptied  foi* 
a  head  wound,  and  an  orderly  dashed  up  with  a  com- 
mission for  bravery  promoting  the  colonel,  who  got 
off  the  operating  table,  jumped  on  his  horse  and  rode 
away,  the  doctor  yelling  after  him  to  come  back  and 
get  his  brains.  ''I  don't  need  them  now,  I  am  a  brig- 
adier general,"  he  answered  as  he  disappeared. 

The  story  being  suggested  by  so  many  politicians 
with  no  war  experience  getting  generals'  places 
through  pull  in  Washington. 

Dr.  Payne  was  called  from  bed  one  bitterly  cold 
night  to  wade  through  snow  a  couple  of  miles  up  what 
is  now  Drexel  avenue,  then  a  howling  wilderness,  to 
visit  a  patient  in  extremis,  surrounded  by  weeping 
friends  and  to  whom  Father  Tighe  had  given  extreme 

Payne  took  a  look  at  her  as  she  writhed  on  her 
bed  and  grew  angry  all  over,  but  repressing  his  wrath 
he  said  please  wrap  her  up  and  take  her  to  the  kitchen 
t-able.  Wonderingly  they  obeyed  and  Payne  reached  for 

OLD     CHICAGO  233 

a  tin  dipper  with  whicli  he  cracked  the  surface  ice  ill 
a  bucket  and  doused  the  lady's  head  with  the  water. 
She  squirmed  and  went  on  wriggling  and  exclaiming,- 
and  the  people  tried  to  protest,  Saying  you  would  not 
treat  a  dying  woman  So.  ^*I  know  what  I  am  about, 
and  everyone  of  you  leave  the  room  but  her  mother 
and  Father  Tighe;''  he  repeated  the  dipper  treat- 
ment several  times  till  she  sat  up  and  cursed  the 
doctor  long,  loud  and  deep^  with  all  the  maledictions 
she  was  familiar  with  and  some  she  did  not  know* 
how  to  handle.  Payne's  good  humur  was  restored, 
as  he  said:  "Why,  you  are  better  ain't  you,"  and 
Father  Tighe  admiringly  rubbed  his  hands,  exclaim- 
ing: ^^It's  a  miracle;  it's  a  miracle!" 

Payne  and  I  each  had  a  case  of  hysteria  in  a  male^ 
He  gave  his  boy  a  hypodermic  of  apomorphia  and 
the  convulsions  gave  way  to  complaints  of:  ''I  am  so 
sick  at  my  stomach."  Payne  sympathized  with  him 
that  "it  was  too  bad,"  but  the  fits  ceased.  My  patient 
was  brought  to  the  Reese  Hospital,  having  for  months 
fallen  in  fits  several  times  a  day,  always  on  the  bed^ 
and  was  given  whiskey  and  attended  by  relays  of 
female  nurses ;  the  family  he  belonged  to  being  rich, 
several  ^'ethical  doctors"  made  big  fees  for  pander- 
ing to  the  foolishness.  I  examined  the  case  care- 
fully to  avoid  any  mistake,  then  ordered  the  nurses 
to  be  discharged  and  no  further  attention  to  be  paid 
to  him  and  to  let  him  have  his  "fits"  by  himself  and 
to  give  him  no  more  liquor.  Loud  were  the  protests  of 
the  igTLorant  relations,  but  he  was  out  walking  in  the 


hospital  yard  in  two  days  and  discharged  recovered  In 
a  week.  The  family  paid  my  little  $10  fee  under 
protest,  though  robbed  of  many  hundreds  by  ^'sympa- 
thetic'^  skunks  that  infest  medical  practice,  and  they 
always  spoke  of  me  as  "ihsit  brute.''  The  boy  did  not 
relapse,  and  the  quackery  previously  used  if  contin- 
ed  would  have  destroyed  him. 

But  that  kind  of  ingratitude  is  commoli  enough. 
A  Boston  physician  who  was  disgusted  with  hysteri- 
cal cases  was  called  to  see  a  spinster  with  paralysis 
on  one  side,  bedridden  for  years.  All  the  hocus 
pocus  of  Christian  science,  leg-pulliiig  osteopathy,  tin 
can  oxydonor  and  billionth  of  a  grain  of  homeo  wind 
had  failed  to  make  that  side  move.  The  old  student, 
honest  doctor  looked  the  patient  over  to  make  sure; 
then  looking  around  the  room  he  gathered  up  all  the 
newspapers  to  be  found,  pushed  them  under  the  bed, 
and  set  fire  to  them. 

The  old  virgin  was  down  stairs  t)efore  he  was. 
She  was  perfectly  cured  for  the  rest  of  her  days,  but 
she  never  forgave  the  doctor  and  always  spoke  of  him 
as  ''that  old  brute.''  She  paid  him  a  thumping  good 
fee  though,  which  he  gave  to  poor  people,  and  he  had 
many  in  his  care. 

About  as  instructive  an  instance  of  mental  impres- 
sion  I  ever  came  across  was  when  a  lady  of  30  years 
who  had  been  chronically  asthmatic  had  her  lung 
difficulty  disappear  and  a  half  sided  paralysis  take 
its  place.  At  that  time  Charcot  and  other  French- 
men  had   experimented   with    "metallo-therapy"    in 

OLD    CHICAGO  237 

hysterical  cases,  so  I  told  the  lady  of  the  new  French 
method,  and  as  it  was  harmless  she  consented  to  a 
trial.  I  placed  a  silver  dime  on  one  arm  and  a  copper 
coin  on  the  other  arm  and  awaited  results,  feeling 
silly  though  at  the  apparent  absurdity  of  the  ^'treat- 
ment."  But  we  have  never  been  able  to  find  out  wnat 
is  or  is  not  "treatment"  for  a  hysterical  patient.  In 
a  few  minutes  she  said  it  was  working  for  she  felt 
the  circulation  coming  back  on  that  entire  side,  and 
soon  she  moved  her  hand  and  foot  and  had  free  mo- 
tion restored  to  the  paralyzed  parts. 

As  gravely  as  I  could  I  took  it  as  a  matter  of 
course,  and  was  replacing  the  coins  in  my  pocket 
when  she  startled  me  with:  "But,  oh  doctor,  the 
trouble  has  gone  over  to  the  other  side."  E'ow  this 
was  before  the  French  medical  journals  discussed 
"transference,"  as  this  phenomenon  was  called;  but 
I  was  disgusted  and  ventured  the  prediction  that  it 
was  all  right;  that  sometimes  that  sort  of  thing  oc- 
curred, but  it  only  lasted  a  little  while,  and  that  it 
would  pass  away.  And  it  did,  to  my  relief  and  sur- 
prise, for  I  was  by  no  means  sure  of  my  prophecy. 
Since  then  I  with  other  doctors  have  been  performing 
"miracles"  on  these  impressionable  people,  who  make 
reputations  for  all  sorts  of  fakers  by  their  sudden  re- 

A  lady  with  hysterical  aphonia  1  had  brought  to 
my  office  by  the  sister  superior  of  the  hospital  I  at- 
tended, and  placing  a  Faradic  current  to  her  larynx 
she  spoke  suddenly  in  her  natural  voice  and  remained 

238  rux  Tx  a  doctor's  life 

recovered  from  her  'Mumbness."  She  and  the  good 
sister  went  direct  to  the  church  to  give  thanks. 

At  the  Keese  hospital  I  had  a  case  of  that  rare 
form  of  hysteria  called  ^^tetany/'  which  young  medi- 
cal students  think  is  some  sort  of  tetanus.  A  four- 
teen year  old  girl  was  spasmodically  bent  by  fits  to 
one  side ;  the  spasm  usually  bending  the  body  forward 
and  downward.  The  internes  had  never  heard  of 
such  a  trouble.  In  her  presence  I  solemnly  told  the 
resident  doctors  to  heat  the  cautery  iron  white  hot 
and  trace  it  along  her  back,  avoiding  the  red  heat 
as  painful.  Of  course  all  but  the  patient  knew  this 
instruction  was  merely  for  its  influence.  x\nd  it 
was  effective  for  Missy  never  twisted  herself  into 
knots  again. 

These  hysterical  cases  are  troublesome  aifairs, 
sometimes  being  stuck  full  of  needles  with  their  heads 
outward,  sometimes  raising  the  dickens  with  anony- 
mous letters,  sometimes  crazy  as  bedbugs,  sometimes 
using  up  a  household  with  fictitious  ailments,  and  if 
any  inexperienced  doctor  takes  stock  in  her  "sick- 
ness" and  does  not  look  out  for  himself  she  is  liable 
to  tie  the  doctor  up  into  hard  knots,  wear  him  out  with 
all  his  resources  and  on  some  occasions  "bust  him." 
Wise  physicians  are  wary  of  such. 

At  the  Chicago  Medical  Society  meeting  once  a 
"sassiety"  doctor  was  telling  of  a  wonderful  cure 
lie  had  made  that  he  could  not  account  for,  in  a  lady 
who  had  suffered  many  things  of  many  doctors,  till 
he  came  and  mysteriously  cured  her  of  a  lifetime 

OLD    CHICAGO  239 

malady,  and  the  old  ass  maundered  off  into  a  descrip- 
tion of  her  symptoms. 

Dr.  Margerat,  a  Frenchman  of  much  experience 
in  medicine,  in  discussing  the  case  said  the  whole 
thing  was  accounted  for  by  a  good  looking  doctor; 
that  if  he  had  been  caring  for  the  case  himself  he 
could  not  have  had  the  same  miraculous  results  as 
he  was  not  good  looking  enough. 

Woe  to  the  young  doctor  who  dows  not  post  him- 
self on  the  myriad  phases  of  hysteria,  for  he  is  likely 
to  bite  off  more  than  he  can  chew  in  treating  some 
of  these  notoriety  seekers.  Read  what  I  tell  of  them 
in  my  Medical  Jurisprudence   of  Insanity. 

Axford,  Payne  and  Xorcom  were  the  noted  south 
side  physicians  whom  I  most  frequently  met,  and 
many  a  hearty  laugh  have  we  four  enjoyed  at  each 
other's  experiences.  Almost  daily  something  comic 
would  occur  to  take  the  gloom  off  an  otherwise 
serious  occupation. 

Payne  had  been  called  by  a  female  homeo  prac- 
titioner to  attend  her  husband,  whom  she  and  another 
woman  "graduate"  of  her  "school"  had  been  trying 
to  relieve,  and  when  Payne  came  in  the  wife  handed 
the  doctor  a  catherer  that  she  and  her  friend  had 
failed  to  pass  after  hours  of  trying.  It  was  the 
three  inch  female  sort.  Payne  remarked  that  he 
preferred  his  own  and  drew  out  a  soft  rubber  one  and 
in  an  instant  the  too  much  homypattyized  sufferer 
was  relieved.  The  old  girls  examined  the  "new" 
affair  with  interest,  never  having  heard  of  one  before. 

240  FUN  IN  A  doctor's  LIFE 

But  they  knew  how  to  pronounce  it  at  least,  and 
that  was  more  than  a  young  lady  did  who  wrote  to 
a  physician  to  come  to  her  sick  brother  and  to  please 
bring  his  cathedral  with  him. 

A  London  lady  presiding  over  a  club  read  about 
the  death  of  a  popular  army  major  in  India  from 
kidney  disease,  and  concluded  the  news  with  the  re- 
mark that  "we  women  should  be  grateful  that  we  have 
no  kidneys." 

Payne  used  to  tell  of  curb  stone  opinions  he 
escaped  by  listening  to  rambling  descriptions  of  dis- 
ease and  sympathising  with  them  by:  '^Its  too  bad." 

Reminding  of  the  story  of  another  physician  when 
asked  what  the  man  should  take,  during  a  casual  meet- 
ing on  the  street,  replying:  "He  should  take  advice, 
of  course." 

Axford  told  of  his  uncle,  a  Michigan  physician, 
who  was  also  mayor  of  the  tovm  he  lived  in,  accusing 
a  hotel  keeper  of  contracting  dyspepsia  by  eating  some 
of  his  own  pies,  bringing  to  mind  the  old  yarn  of 
the  country  oracle  taking  his  medical  apprentice  on 
his  rounds  and  jumping  on  a  sick  man  for  not  obey- 
ing injunctions  not  to  eat  apples;  the  medical  kid 
wanted  to  know  how  the  doctor  could  tell  that  he  had 
been  eating  apples.  "By  the  cores  he  threw  under  the 
bed,"  said  the  doctor. 

When  later  the  tyro  had  graduated  he  scolded  a 
patient  for  eating  a  mule,  and  the  protest  brought 
out  the  information  that  the  new  doctor  had  seen  a 
harness  under  the  bed.    Maybe  some  have  not  heard 


that  chestnut,  but  it  is  worth  citing  as  a  possible  log- 
ical process  for  some  sort  of  thinkers. 

Parity  of  reasoning,  as  when  a  delirious  small 
pox  case  jumped  into  the  Arkansas  river  and  got  well 
the  doctor  used  cool  bathing  on  other  small-pox  cases 
and  they  did  not  recover.  To  the  memorandum  he 
made  when  the  first  case  got  well,  to  the  effect  that 
"Cold  baths  good  for  small-pox,''  he  appended  later, 
"sometimes."  But  an  experimentally  inclined  igno- 
ramus of  an  attendant  at  the  asylum  drew  even  finer 
distinctions  in  his  notes.  He  threw  water  on  epilep- 
tics in  fits,  and  ascribed  their  getting  over  the  attack 
to  his  wonderful  discovery,  but  once  a  patient  died 
instead  of  recovering,  so  Dunderhead  found  out  his 
nationality  and  added  to  his  valuable  "notes"  that  this 
treatment  is  good  for  Irish,  Germans  and  Americans 
but  bad  for  Bohemians. 

But  speaking  of  Bohemians,  Dr.  Fenger,  the  well 
known  surgeon,  told  of  a  recently  arrived  Bohemian 
practitioner  telling  him  of  trouble  he  had  with  pre- 
mature twins  in  a  countrywoman  of  his.  They  were 
a  little  over  the  seventh  month,  and  finally  this  be- 
nighted wonder  told  Fenger  that  he  had  the  hardest 
time  to  hold  them  under  the  bucket  of  water,  that  they 
kicked  and  for  a  long  time  would  not  drown.  "My 
God,"  said  Fenger,  "have  you  told  anyone  else  about 


"Then  don't." 

Rambling  off  on  obstetrics,  a  grocer  in  Chicago 

242  ruN  IN  A  doctor's  life 

thought  I  shonhl  cut  my  bill  in  half  as  the  double 
hair  lip  child  "wasn't  worth  it"  to  him. 

I  attended  another  grocer  whom  I  thought  was 
intelligent,  and  maybe  he  was  on  prices  of  prunes 
and  codfish,  but  he  had  a  brass  ring  around  his  ankle 
and  gravely  informed  me  it  was  to  "keep  off  the 

I  had  attended  a  case  for  ^orcom  while  he  was  out 
gunning  for  birds,  a  sport  in  which  he  found  recrea- 
tion ;  she  was  a  grocer's  wife  and  in  her  last  sickness. 
Six  months  later,  as  the  grocer  paid  no  attention  to 
my  bill,  I  sent  a  collector,  both  were  Irish  which  ac- 
counts for  the  conversation :  "I  hope  the  doctor  will 
wait  till  my  wife  is  cowld  in  her  grave  before  pressin' 
his  bill." 

"The  docther  returns  the  compliment,  and  hopes 
you  won't  marry  again  before  payin'  it." 

^N'orcom  returned  from  one  of  his  bird  hunts,  tell- 
ing his  wife,  "Well,  my  dear,  I  didn't  kill  anything." 

"That's  what  you  get  for  going  off  and  neglecting 
your  business !" 

Recalling  the  contract  that  a  doctor  was  to  be 
paid  "kill  or  cure"  and  the  refusal  on  account  of  the 
doctor  not  being  able  or  willing  to  say  he  had  done 
either  after  the  patient  had  died. 

While  about  it,  we  may  as  well  recall  a  few  more 
yarns  whether  well  or  little  known,  though  some  have 
heard  everything  and  others  never  heard  anything  of 
the  sort. 

Quine  met  Russ,  the  undertaker,  one  morning  on 


22d  street,  and  to  the  doctor's  question:  "How's  bus- 
iness ?"  Russ  replied  '^Quite  good,  thank  you." 

"You  need  not  thank  me,  confound  you !"  said  the 

A  pretty  fair  doctor's  yarn  was  told  of  Billy 
Mason,  the  Illinois  senator,  who  going  to  England 
was  seasick,  and  while  leaning  over  the  rail  feeding 
the  fishes  was  approached  by  a  commiserating  Eng- 
lishman with:  "Very  sorry  to  see  you  suffering  so 
much,  Mr.  Mason,  and  walking  to  and  fro  on  the  deck 
the  Englishman  stopped  with  the  remark :  "It  is  sin- 
gular, Mr.  Mason,  that  Englishmen  never  get  sea 

Billy  glared  at  him  and  remarked:  "Doctors  say 
it's  a  brain  disease.'  By  and  by  the  sympathiser  re- 
turned laughing  with:  "That  was  a  very  good  joke 
of  yours.     I  see  the  point." 

But  Billy  immediately  rejoined :  "Somebody  told 

My  son,  on  an  Australian  voyage,  says  the  Ham- 
ericans  were  amused  at  the  dialect  of  a  lady  from  our 
mother  country  on  the  vessel,  who  when  pressed 
to  partake  of  cakes  and  grapes,  said  with  thanks :  "I 
will  tike  a  pice  o'  kike  now,  and  bymby  have  the 

Like  Tom  Hood,  who  offered  to  swallow  the  blot- 
ting paper  when  told  he  had  drank  ink  instead  of  his 
medicine,  some  patients  can  joke  while  dying.  I 
had  an  instance  in  old  Colonel  Yaugn,  who  always 
had  a  fresh  tale  to  tell  me  when  I  called.     He  once 


looked  lip  at  a  strange  doctor  who  had  been  put  in 
charge  of  him  temporarily  during  the  absence  of  his 
regular  attending  physician,  asking:  "What  did  I 
understand  your  name  to  be  ?"  and  laughing  when 
told  that  the  name  was  ""Wise ;''  he  was  asked  what  was 
there  amusing  about  it,  and  apologised  with:  "You 
remind  me  of  a  chap  I  knew  in  Virginia  named  Small, 
and  he  was  the  tallest  man  in  town." 

He  told  of  a  doctor  falling  into  a  well  accidently, 
and  w^as  told  that  his  business  was  with  the  sick  and 
he  should  have  let  the  well  alone. 

As  comic  a  scene  as  a  doctor  could  see  was  one  I 
saw  in  Wilmington,  Delaware,  at  the  trial  of  a  notor- 
ious, impudent  quack  named  Lawson  for  practising 
without  a  license.  He  claimed  to  use  hypnotism,  and 
when  the  State's  attorney  was  pressing  him  for  illus- 
trations of  that  sort  of  treatment  he  looked  around  at 
the  judge  and  loudly,  pompously,  with  the  effrontery 
characteristic  of  charlatans  said :  "Your  honor,  if  you 
will  permit  me  I  will  proceed  to  convince  you  and  the 
jury  of  the  genuineness  of  my  hypnotic  influence,  by 
means  of  which  I  control  disease." 

Looking  straight  at  the  judge  as  though  he  meant, 
if  allowed,  to  try  the  fake  upon  his  honor  at  once,  the 
judge  dodged  and  brought  down  his  gavel  with  a  bang, 
exclaiming :  "Here !  none  of  that  now !" 

"But,  your  honor,  it  is  harmless." 

"That  may  all  be,  but  we  want  no  such  monkey 
work  in  this  court  room.  You  can  describe  what  you 
can  do,  but  we  are  not  to  be  experimented  on." 


Wonderful  is  the  hold  these  ignorant  scoundrels 
have  upon  the  credulous;  here  was  Schwab  the  steel 
trust  king  paying  $5000  for  a  pair  of  ^'magic  boots'' 
to  cure  all  diseases,  and  a  Kew  York  scamp  making 
thousands  by  selling  a  wooden  hypnotic  ball  for  ten 
dollars  each,  and  the  regular  medical  societies  were 
defeated  in  trying  to  stop  his  sales  and  the  post  office 
heads  refused  to  discontinue  his  mailing  advertise- 

The  backwoods  faker  is  usually  the  sort  that  cut 
slippery  elm  upward  on  the  tree  bark  for  emetics, 
downward  for  cathartics,  and  around  the  tree  for  other 
purposes,  naming  the  first  lowbohirum,  the  other  high- 
bolowrum,  and  the  last  was  highlobustum,  a  "rank 
pizen"  no  one  dared  use  but  himself.  But  in  Pennsyl- 
vania there  are  witch  doctors  using  "pow-wow"  and 
blowing  on  burns  to  "take  the  fire  out."  If  sus- 
penders are  crossed  in  the  back  it  either  causes 
"hexing"  or  witchery,  or  cures  it,  I  have  forgotten 
which  is  claimed. 

Regular  doctors  there  sometimes  tell  their  ignor- 
ant patients  that  they  use  "pow-wow"  as  well  as 
other  means,  or  the  medicines  would  not  be  paid  for. 

The  darkey  fortune  teller  and  hoodoo  doctor  is  as 
interesting.  One  had  a  customer  return  with  the  de- 
mand :  " Jiss  gib  dat  dollah  back,  youh  fohtune  tellin' 
is  no  good.  You  tole  me  dat  my  dream  would  come 
true,  and  not  one  of  dem  has." 

"See  heah,  nigger,  does  you  remember  all  youh 
dreams  ^" 


''111  course^  I  don't.'' 

''Well,  its  dem  dreams  dat  jou  don't  remember  fg 
do  ones  dat  come  true." 

But  anyone  assuming  the  externals  of  what  the 
populace  thinks  makes  up  the  doctor  is  called  in,  as 
was  the  gentleman  with  the  little  satchel  beckoned 
from  the  street  by  the  lady  anxious  to  know  what  had 
best  be  done,  and  was  astonished  when  advised  to  call  a 
doctor,  as  he  was  only  a  piano  tuner. 

A  Georgia  solon  being  fooled  in  the  apparel  of  a 
doctor  once,  finding  that  in  spite  of  poverty  in  dress 
the  man  knew  more  than  a  well  dressed  pretender,  en- 
deavored to  get  a  bill  through  the  legislature  provid- 
ing means  of  telling  whether  doctors  were  competent 
or  not  by  their  dress.  It  arranged  that  first  class  doc- 
tors should  be  richly  dressed  and  that  lower  grades 
should  be  uniformed  accordingly. 

The  result  would  be  that  cocked  hats,  gold  lace  and 
epaulets  would  accrue  to  the  most  murderous  quacks 
while  the  modest  hard  up  student  of  a  physcian  would 
be  in  sack  cloth. 

Balzac  tells  of  a  charlatan  examining  the  right  side 
of  a  patient  in  pretending  to  listen  to  his  heart,  and  an 
educated  physician  standing  by  remarked:  "When  I 
went  to  school  the  heart  was  supposed  to  be  on  the  left 
side,"  to  which  the  quack  responded  with  the  immort- 
ally cheeky  answer:  "But,  Monsieur  le  docteur,  we 
have  changed  all  that."  "Nous  avons  change'  tout 

Homeos  make  it  a  point  to  dress  well,  and  most 


people  would  rather  be  slain  by  "respectable"  ignor- 
ance than  cured  by  shabby  knowledge. 

The  money  making  faculty  is  a  low  one,  and  too 
many  scruples  or  much  intelligence  and  devotion  to 
study  may  impoverish  one.  An  imbecile  in  Ward's 
island  asylum,  who  did  not  know  enough  to  keep  his 
nose  clean,  could  start  with  a  pin  and  by  trading  with 
sane  attendants  have  a  knife  or  a  dollar  by  night. 

Then  doctors  who  have  not  married  money  or  de- 
pend on  practice  to  make  it  are  discriminated  against 
in  collecting  fees.  For  instance,  in  j)robate  courts  a 
judge  will  prune  dovni  the  just  bill  of  a  doctor  and 
<?ompliment  a  lawyer  on  his  "handsome"  winnings 
for  mere  clerical  work  of  an  inferior  grade.  The  law- 
yers make  and  administer  class  legislation  in  their 
•own  favor,  and  till  medicine  is  properly  represented 
doctors  can  expect  to  be  thus  snubbed.  Besides  every 
medical  practice  act,  ostensibly  to  protect  the  people, 
by  the  time  it  passes  any  State  legislature  is  emascu- 
lated by  lawyer  counsel  for  saloon  keeping  boodlers 
who  are  paid  by  organized  quackery,  so  that  the  decent 
educated  medical  man  is  put  to  great  inconvenience  to 
•convince  a  State  Board  of  his  competence,  and  the  law 
enables  the  dirtiest  quack  unhung  to  "practice"  free 
from  any  questioning,  unhedged  by  any  supervision, 
and  to  put  "Doctor"  on  his  cards  and  gather  riches 
the  community  of  good  practitioners  can  never  hope  to 

Diving  into  the  causes  of  any  sociological  matter 
deep  enough  brings  you  to  the  inevitable  monkey- 

248  rUN  IN  A  DOCTOR^S  LII^E 

doodledom  of  mankind;  his  vanities,  his  prejudices, 
superstitions,  grab-it-ivencss,  and  his  thorough  ground- 
ing in  what  is  not  true. 

Deceiving  one's  neighbors,  allowing  them  to 
deceive  themselves  so  long  as  anything  is  to  be  made 
by  it,  has  been  the  rule,  and  when  this  condition  of 
things  is  reversed,  and  when  the  saloon  can  no  longer 
poison  us  and  people  smilingly  accept  it  as  established 
right  on  their  part,  the  world  will  begin  to  evolve  a 
little  from  fogs  of  misinformation.  Meanwhile  it 
is  the  decent  doctor's  duty  and  privilege  to  instruct, 
to  lift,  to  help  poor  and  rich  alike,  interest  them  in 
one  another.  All  good  work  is  done  at  personal  sac- 
rifice, and  above  all  expect  no  gratitude.  There  is 
no  such  thing,  it  is  a  symptom,  says  Holmes,  that  dis- 
appears with  other  symptoms  on  recovery  from  sick« 

God  and  tlie  doctor  we  alike  adore, 
Just  on  the  brink  of  danger,  not  before; 
The  danger  past  both  are  alike  requited: 
God  is  forgot,  and  the  doctor  slighted. 

You  are  lucky  if  you  don't  get  kicked  for  kind-" 
ness,  but  you  did  not  have  to  be  killed  for  it  as  was 
One  whom  folks  pretend  to  worship  today  and  merely 

Physicians  in  ^N'ew  York  and  London  know  what 
Trinity  church  and  Westminster  Abbey  property 
meant  to  the  wretched  starvelings  those  rich  corpor- 
ations fleeced,  and  as  for  Whitechapel,  well  

The  five  points,  at  one  time  the  vilest  part  of  i^eW 

5ti5   CHICAGO  24S 

York,  was  Trinity  chiircli  property  and  the  ministers 
said :  "We  have  nothing  to  do  with  the  morals  of  our 

While  Doctor  Bernardo  was  struggling  to  care  for 
multitudes  of  waifs  that  no  one  paid  attention  to^ 
least  of  all  the  churches,  the  morals  of  the  gutter 
snipes  did  not  bother  the  clergy  a  bit.  But  as  soon 
as  Bernardo  had  large  donations  to  help  on  his  great 
and  good  work,  then  the  church  smelt  money  and 
grew  anxious  for  the  "morals"  of  the  unfortunates 
and  claimed  the  right  to  have  a  hand  in  disposing 
of  the  money  for  their  benefit.  Sir  Walter  Raleigh 
touched  up  this  matter  in  his  lines: 

Go  tell  the  court  it  glows,  and  shines  like  rotten  wood; 
Go  tell  the  church  it  shows  what's  good,  and  doth  no  good. 
If  court  and  church  reply,  give  court  and  church  the  lie. 

'No  one  can  honor  the  sincere  Christian  more  than 
I,  but  look  at  the  billions  in  vested  church  buildings 
and  at  the  billions  of  unhelped  sufferers  dying  on 
doorsteps,  the  comfortable  churches  locked  against 
them  though  their  pennies  built  these  grand  edifices. 

There  was  Professor  Ernest  B.  Stuart,  of  Chicago, 
an  excellent  chemist  who,  sumnling  up  the  causes  of 
his  having  been  swindled  so  often,  told  me  that  he 
was  thankful  that  he  was  not  capable  of  becoming 
rich.  Great  corporations  made  large  sums  from  pro- 
cesses they  cheated  him  out  of  and  when  he  lost  his 
place  as  city  milk  inspector  for  not  taking  bribes 
from  adulterating  milkmen,  as  the  saloon  keeping 
aldermen  expected  him  to  do,  more  than  a  thousand 


babies  perished  from  drinking  formaldehyde  in  milk 
sold  thereafter.  The  people  pay  for  their  joke  of 
allowing  murderers  to  run  municipal  affairs  as  iii 
tough  Kew  York  and  rotten  Philadelphia,  with  burg- 
lars on  the  police  force,  millions  expended  for  filters 
that  brmg  more  typhoid  than  before,  the  politicians 
asking  "wot  in  'ell  you  goin'  ter  do  about  it  ?" 

But  whosoever  protests  is  going  to  be  laughed  at 
by  the  monkey  populace  and  told,  as  1  was,  that  you 
are  unpractical;  that  you  should  get  in  with  the 
grafters  instead  of  fighting  them  and  make  money, 
instead  of  losing  it  and  your  time  in  fighting  them. 

For  years  after  I  brought  charges  against  the 
county  commissioners  for  their  cruelties  and  robberies 
of  the  insane  a  detective  named  Bob  Bruce,  a  well 
known  honest  fellow,  informed  me  of  "jobs"  the  com- 
missioners undertook  to  "do  me  up."  J^ight  visiting 
had  to  be  cut  out  from  my  practice. 

But  to  get  back  to  merrier  things,  I  read  some- 
where that  the  humerus  was  so  named  because  near 
the  funny  bone. 

A  stenographer  of  mine  once  converted  idiosyn- 
cracy  into  idiot  crazy,  theory  into  sherry,  and  the 
sentence,  "poUr  oil  on  the  troubled  waters"  into  "boil 
the  tub  of  water."  But  the  worst  jolt  was  given  me  by 
a  clerk  employed  to  address  envelopes  to  patients  to 
whom  I  wished  to  announce  a  change  of  residence ;  I 
gave  him  my  case  book  to  copy  the  names  from,  and 
discovered  just  in  time  that  he  was  also  putting  the 
diseases  of  each  on  the  addressed  envelope.     For  in- 


stance,  Jane  Smith,  Epileptic ;  Robert  Roe,  Inebriate ; 
and  so  on. 

He  merely  followed  instructions,  as  tbe  sea  cap- 
tain thought  he  did  when  reading  the  card  in  his 
medicine  chest  that  number  15  was  good  for  diarrhoea, 
and  the  bottle  being  empty  he  gave  equal  parts  of  num- 
ber T  and  8,  with  bad  results. 

A  trial  conducted  by  my  friend  Frank  P.  Blair, 
son  of  the  former  senator  of  that  name,  is  worth  men- 
tioning as  it  enabled  me  to  judicially  under  oath  give 
a  miserable  quack  a  dose  he  will  remember.  Sancho 
Panza,  or  some  such  name,  "invented"  a  little  tin  box 
in  which  I  found  asphaltum  which  he  called  "oxy- 
donor,"  and  advertised,  with  testimonials,  of  course, 
as  a  cure  all.  Tie  the  tin  to  your  leg  and  place  the 
string  so  the  box  could  be  in  cold  water  and  the  "nerve 
current"  would  do  the  rest.  Some  imitator  was  ac- 
cused of  infringing  and  Sancho  brought  suit.  Blair 
fief  ended  the  imitator  and  stipulated  that  the  only 
ground  he  would  take  was  that  oxydonor  was  a  fake 
and  the  defendant  claimed  that  no  one  had  a  monoply 
of  the  fake  business.  I  testified  that  both  tools  were 
abominable  tricks  to  deceive,  and  that  the  advertising 
of  "electropoise"  during  our  Spanish  war,  a  prede- 
cessor of  oxydonor,  whether  Sancho  was  responsible 
for  it  or  not,  when  our  soldiers  were  advised  in  the 
magazine  advertisements  to  buy  it  as  a  sure  preven- 
tive of  yellow  fever,  was  such  an  outrage  that  the  one 
who  advertised  should  be  hung  as  a  traitor  to  the  gov- 


I  k^sted  the  string  and  box  with  dclicato  galvano- 
meters and  found  that  not  the  billionth  of  an  ampere 
could  be  discovered  under  the  advertised  conditions* 
Yet  that  infernal  humbug  sells  v^idely. 

The  average  fakir  knows  how  to  be  dignified,  as 
that  is  also  a  lay  means  of  estimating  knowledge.  A 
little  English  girl,  just  over  from  Manchester,  said 
to  her  mother :  "Mamma,  he  can't  be  a  real  doctor,  be- 
cause he  spoke  to  me."  Had  I  frowned  the  youngster 
would  have  thought  me  a  great  physician. 

But  our  American  kids  are  not  afraid  to  speak  to 
doctors,  as  shown  in  the  case  of  a  little  chap  on  tip 
toes  trying  to  reach  a  bell  handle  when  a  passing 
doctor  in  the  kindness  of  his  heart  asked  him  if  he 
wanted  to  ring  the  bell,  and  finding  that  he  did,  the 
doctor  pulled  it  for  him  and  was  greeted  by  the  boy, 
as  he  scampered  away,  with  the  advice:  "ISTow  run 
like  hell." 

A  dignified  homeo  in  Aldine  Square  made  big 
fees-  "curing  diphtheria"  that  was  only  tonsilitis,  and 
one  patient  of  mine  was  indignant  when  I  told  her  that 
she  had  only  tonsilitis  while  she  told  her  friends  that 
I  had  cured  her  of  diphtheria. 

More  often  belittling  of  the  trouble  after  the  cure 
is  the  rule,  as  an  Irishman  was  inclined  to  do  when 
he  growled  that  it  was  hard  enough  to  be  sick  without 
having  to  pay  the  doctor  for  it. 

Having  seen  Chicago  grow  from  a  town  of  300,000 
to  2,000,000,  and  twenty-story  sky-rakers  surround- 
ing the  six  story  building  I  had  occupied  for  twenty 

OLD    CHICAGO.  253 

years  shutting  out  light  and  air  but  not  heat,  recollec- 
tions of  the  cool  sea  air  of  Atlantic  City  drew  me  to 
that  resort  to  establish  practice  in  my  specialty  of 
neurology  and  psychiatry.  Convalescents  and  the  nerv- 
ously afflicted  do  well  here,  shortening  their  periods 
of  illness  remarkably,  and  mild  mental  diseases  can 
benefit  more  than  elsewhere  by  simply  sitting  on  the 
shore  all  day. 

Whatever  pure  sea  air  and  every  range  of  accom- 
modations can  do  for  the  sick,  Atlantic  City  affords, 
and  I  have  noticed  many  infants  from  the  hot  cities, 
perishing  from  improper  feeding,  teething  and  heat 
combined,  rapidly  recover  in  spite  of  ignorant  par- 
ents continuing  starchy  or  meat  diet,  with  sometimes 
formaldehyde  milk  brought  from  their  homes.  Good 
milk  can  be  had  here  and  with  ordinary  care  and 
instruction  to  the  mother  the  little  ones  rebound 

An  old  chap  said  he  had  grown  twenty  years 
younger  at  this  place  in  two  weeks,  and  was  in  danger 
of  being  able  to  read  his  own  birth  notice  in  the  news- 
paper some  day. 

The  extraordinary  stimulant  properties  of  the  sea 
breezes  here  enable  me  to  do  away  with  much  medi- 
cation, neurasthenics  especially  are  soon  out  of  bed, 
permanently  recovered.  Hotel  and  boarding  house 
facilities  are  numerous  here  and  the  pernicious  fakes 
can  be  escaped.  Honest  and  skilled  medical  care  can 
save  patients  much  time  and  expense  with  the  home- 
like surroundings  to  be  secured  here  for  invalids. 

254  FUN  IN  A  doctor's  life 

]^or  merely  because  one  is  at  the  sea  shore  need  there 
be  dissipation.  Quiet  rest  is  to  be  had,  if  not  ultra- 

The  writer  will  be  pleased  to  correspond  with 
physicians  over  America  concerning  care  of  nervous 
and  mild  mental  cases  at  Atlantic  City. 


About  the  time  tlie  civil  war  broke  out  in  the  six-  j 

ties  a  small  hospital  was  started  on  the  lake  front,  in  \ 

an  old  cemetery  comer  of  what  is  now  Lincoln  Park  i 

in  Chicago.     The  hospital  outgrew  its  space  and  was  ' 
rebuilt  on  Pranklin  street  and  later  Belden  avenue  and 
is  now  one  of  the  largest  and  best  in  the  country. 

The  city  politicians  stole  the  cemetery,  pretended  j 
to  cart  the  bones  elsewhere,  and  converted  the  place 
into  the  large  park  on  the  E'orth  Side.  A  few  wealthy  ; 
lot  owners  of  the  old  cemetery  fought  the  steal,  and  ; 
secured  injunctions  in  the  higher  courts  against  evic- 
tion in  their  special  cases.  Those  who  did  not  or  could  j 
not  resist  lost  their  lots,  though  the  deeds  set  forth  that  ] 
their  purchase  was  "forever."  j 

"Rattle  his  bones  over  the  stones,  j 

It's  only  a  pauper  whom  nobody  owns,"  j 

was  applicable  in  a  few  cases  of  removals,  only.    The  | 

vast  majority  still  lie  beneath  the  feet  of  the  park  vis-  j 

itors,  waiting  for  Gabriel's  horn.  1 

A  religious  and  very  sincere  brotherhood  started  | 
the  hospital  and  secured  the  services  of  Dr.  Baxter, 
an  excellent  surgeon  of  that  time ;  but  by  mischance 

inflicted  upon  the  patients  the  renowned  quack  Cy-  ! 


phcr,  ^'Member  of  the  faculty  of  Vienna/'  as  his  cards 
stated,  whatever  that  may  mean.  It  was  said  that  he 
had  b(  en  a  barber  in  that  Austrian  town,  and  he  was 
a  little  the  most  ignorant  and  rotten  humbug  of  the 

But  his  piety  secured  him  patients  outside  the 
hospital,  as  did  his  well  advertised  connection  with 
the  good  institution,  which  was  very  favorably  known. 

The  brotherhood  nurses  found  his  ignorance  too 
apparent,  but  not  wishing  to  offend  so  religious  a 
doctor  placed  him  in  charge  of  the  consumptive  wards, 
presuming  that  nothing  could  be  done  for  them,  so 
Cypher  could  be  kept  busy  doing  it. 

The  cherry  laurel  water  he  prescribed  for  them 
kept  the  poor  sufferers  contented  with  themselves  and 
the  idea  that  Cypher  was  ^'curing"  them.  The  gradu- 
ated regular  physicians  could  never  consult  with  him, 
but  they  occasionally  played  tricks  on  the  "Vienna 
faculty  member.'' 

He  tried  to  educate  himself  by  poring  over  the 
prescriptions  on  file  in  the  hospital  drug  store,  asking 
the  brother  pharmacist  what  the  other  doctors  gave 
this  and  that  and  the  other  for,  and  in  that  way  he 
came  to  know  about  bromides,  iodides  and  some  other 
things.  This  propensity  becoming  known  to  the  reg- 
ular physicians  on  duty,  some  of  them  concocted  a  trap 
for  Cypher,  into  which  he  promptly  tumbled.  But 
the  druggist  was  an  accomplice,  and  as  soon  as  Cypher 
had  carefully  copied  "stercoraceous  acid,  q.  s.,  a  tea- 
spoonful  after  meals,"  which  written  on  several  pre- 

THE    OLD    HOSPITAL  257 

scriptions  on  the  druggist's  hook,  disappeared  and 
were  seen  no  more. 

The  druggist  told  Cypher  he  thought  the  other 
doctors  prescribed  it  for  consumption,  and  as  he  was 
a  specialist  in  everything,  he  set  abocit  curing  up  the 
town  with  the  new  drug  and  sprinkled  the  pharmacies 
of  Chicago  with  orders  for  the  mysterious  prepara- 
tion as  well  as  writing  for  a  bottle  to  be  sent  up  to 
his  ward. 

The  druggist  showed  this  prescription  to  the  heads 
of  the  hospitals  and  an  effort  was  made  to  hush  things 
up,  but  it  leaked  out  and  Cypher's  wrath  was  bound- 
less. He  referred  to  the  time  when  the  druggist  was 
only  religious  and  knew  nothing  of  drugs,  claiming 
that  he  was  all  the  better  as  a  pill-mixer  in  those  times, 
but  that  since  the  brother  selected  for  druggist  had 
been  sent  to  colleges  of  pharmacy  he  lost  his  respect 
for  religious  men  and  matters.  So  no  more  brothers 
should  go  to  school. 

Then  during  the  eighties  there  was  added  to  the 
medical  staff,  as  the  hospital  expanded,  a  society  doc- 
tor with  a  millionaire  father-in-law  and  a  hundred 
thousand  dollar  house  owned  by  the  doctor's  wife, 
the  expense  of  maintaining  which,  not  having  a  cent 
contributed  to  it  by  the  plutocratic  father  of  the  wife, 
necessitated  the  son-in-law  humping  himself  in  all  the 
approved  methods  of  catching  on  to  an  income  from 
rich  patients. 

Though  the  doctor  came  from  a  fair  school  of  med- 
icine he  had  no  time  to  bother  about  posting  himself 


in  the  advances  of  his  profession.  The  scramble  to 
pay  off  a  crowd  of  house  help,  stable  men,  trades 
people,  and  others  kept  his  time  filled  and  his  nights 

When  he  found  that  the  will  did  not  mention  him 
he  lost  his  mind  and  died  insane  soon  after. 

At  the  time  I  became  a  member  of  the  hospital 
staff  the  single  interne  changed  yearly ;  now  there  are 
six  of  them.  The  typhoid  mortality  was  25  per  cent, 
everywhere  except  in  the  rotten  county  hospital,  where 
it  was  30  per  cent.  Actually,  a  typhoid  case  stood  five 
per  cent,  better  chances  of  living  if  not  taken  to  the 
political  boodlerburg  "hospital." 

About  1885  I  suggested  to  an  interne  a  plan  to 
fight  typhiod  by  organized  effort,  and  into  my  methods 
the  good  brothers  came  heroically  and  willingly;  so 
that  in  the  three  succeeding  years  we  managed  to  re- 
duce the  death  rate  to  three  per  cent,  among  a 
thousand  patients.  It  has  been  only  during  a  much 
later  period  that  typhoid  has  reduced  its  25  per  cent, 
rate  of  loss. 

But  I  refrained  from  describing  methods  and  re- 
sults in  the  medical  journals  through  knowing  that  the 
remarkable  reduction  in  death  rate  would  be  ascribed 
to  mistaken  diagnosis  and  to  other  things  familiar  to 
masters  in  detraction.  My  internes  and  I  rejoiced  and 
we  let  it  go  at  that. 

Poor  Dr.  Bobinsky,  the  heir  expectant,  spent  most 
of  his  time  in  figuring  on  how  to  screw  bills  up  for 
treating  measles  as  scarlatina  and  tonsilitis  as  diph- 

THE    OLD    HOSPITAL  259 

theria,  in  whicli  disorders  lie  had  a  great  reputation; 
"curing"  both  in  a  few  days. 

About  the  time  antipyrine  came  in  he  was  enabled 
to  add  typhoid  fever  to  his  reputation  for  invinci- 
bility, by  asking  me  to  write  an  article  on  the  use  of 
the  new  drug  in  typhoid  fever,  as  he  had  not  time  to 
look  into  the  matter.  The  article  appeared  in  a  med- 
ical journal  and  with  his  name  as  the  author.  Thous- 
ands of  reprints  in  pamphlet  form  were  sent  to  his 
patients,  from  which  they  inferred  that  Bobinsky, 
wielding  the  new  German  drug,  abolished  typhoid  as 
he  did  diphtheria  and  scarlatina. 

I  used  to  pity  the  poor  devil,  who  had  no  time  to 
study  honest  medicine,  with  its  multitude  of  inter- 
esting problems ;  being  bound  down  to  a  life  of  lies ; 
shifting,  scheming,  to  make  ends  meet  with  his  ten 
or  twelve  thousand  a  year ;  worse  off  than  the  square 
medical  man  with  a  bare  living  and  time  to  be  honest, 
with  the  disposition  to  study  and  think  for  his 
patients'  best  welfare. 

The  Germans  call  typhoid  "nervous  fever,"  and 
as  I  had  the  nervous  and  mental  disease  patients, 
naturally  the  German  brotherhood  thought  that  ty- 
phoids belonged  in  my  wards.  Growing  to  take  much 
interest  in  the  study  of  symptoms  and  pathology,  a 
ready  familiarity  was  built  up  with  all  the  aspects 
and  treatment  of  the  disease.  I  refrained  from  dos- 
ing much,  and  in  the  nineties  saw  the  new  antiseptic 
method  overdone  at  first. 

Three  special  years  my  internes  and  I  worked 

260  FUN  IN  A  doctor's  LIFE 

untiringly  together  over  typhoid  cases,  building  our 
record  to  be  kno^vn  to  only  a  few  persons,  but  destined 
to  increase  Bobinsky's  and  Cypher's  practice,  as 
the  hospital  grew  to  be  favorably  known  for  typhoid 

Never  a  cent  came  to  me  for  this  and  other  hospital 
treatment  of  charity  cases,  and  so  I  often  walked  for 
want  of  car  fare,  but  others  were  able  to  exploit  and 
advertise  their  hospital  connections  so  that  pay  prac- 
tice came  to  them.  I  never  had  that  sort  of  ability, 
neither  the  time  nor  the  disposition  for  it. 

At  that  time  being  young  and  vigorous,  trotting  to 
the  bedsides  of  patients,  never  to  see  them  later  or  to 
have  a  thank  from  anyone  when  they  recovered,  did 
not  seem  so  hard,  for  in  fact  there  were  so  many  poor 
chaps  coming  in  sick  that  any  selfish  planning  to 
collect  bills  outside  or  push  one's  financial  interests 
seemed  like  waste  of  precious  time  in  caring  for  the 

Besides,  is  not  specialism  now  established  as 
necessary  ?  I  was  only  a  medical  specialist,  and  had 
spent  as  much  in  study  as  some  make  in  a  life  time. 

Bobinsky  and  Cypher  were  financial  specialists. 
One  can  not  be  everything. 

Both  these  poor  fellows  died,  and  I  am  alive,  nor 
do  I  draw  any  inference  from  the  facts ;  it  has  merely 
so  happened,  except  that  maybe  their  money  making 
abilities  availed  them  nothing  in  keeping  on  earth; 
and  I  remember  very  well  times  when  had  I  known 
as  little  medicine  as  the  financially  successful  saw- 

THE    OLD    HOSPITAL  261 

bones  did,  I  would  have  dropped  out  also,  in  trying  to 
treat  myself  for  occasional  ailments. 

x\nd  now  I  have  my  fun  in  thinking  of  it  all ; 
though  at  the  time  it  did  not  seem  so  funny;  when 
those  who  owed  me  dodged  me,  even  those  well  able 
to  pay.  But  every  doctor  knows  how  this  is.  That 
bilking  I  regarded  as  stealing  from  the  poor  I  would 
like  to  have  helped  could  I  have  had  what  I  earned. 

One  need  not  be  bashful,  at  my  age,  in  claiming 
a  disposition  that  is  common  among  physicians;  and 
those  who  have  had  the  same  feelings  will  know  what 
is  meant,  nor  regard  it  as  bragging. 

As  the  saloon  keepers  and  gamblers  in  charge  of 
the  county  insane  asylum  and  I  could  not  get  along 
amicably,  as  we  had  nothing  in  common  to  argue 
from  or  agree  upon,  and  the  merchants  to  whom  I 
had  appealed  for  reforming  the  care  of  the  institution 
turning  out  to  be  interested  in  helping  to  make  things 
rotten,  I  lost  my  situation  at  the  asylum,  and  finding 
grafters  of  the  same  sort  in  charge  of  many  other 
public  institutions,  I  have  not  been  able  to  impress 
the  powers  in  control  that  I  am  sufficiently  rotten  to 
work  in  harmony  with  them. 

Added  to  my  alienistic  and  neurological  lore  was 
this  special  three  years  during  twenty  or  more  years 
in  typhoid  treatment  in  the  hospital.  A  medical 
romance  writer  would  describe  how  the  town  buzzed 
with  the  news  and  that  paying  cases  came  in  flocks. 
In  real  life  the  chap  who  begins  to  attract  notice  for 
any  special  aptitude  has  to  encounter  the  popular  pre- 


jiidico  against  rivals  taking  monoy  away,  and  that  ad!- 
vertising  one  in  yoitr  line  of  bnsincss  is  rank  nonsense. 

So  the  conspiracy  of  silence,  the  slur  to  help  it 
along,  and  if  the  rival  seems  to  get  along  anyway  the 
cock-and-bull  yarn  is  flung  at  him.  The  German  mis- 
take that  nervousness  was  the  whole  thing  in  this  in- 
testinal diease  did  not  help  a  nerve  specialist  among 
English  speaking  people,  so  Bobinsky  and  Cypher  got 
all  the  typhoid  cases  on  the  reputation  of  the  hospital 
they  were  known  to  be  attending. 

Once  I  came  across  a  boy  that  Cypher  was  dosing 
with  bromides  for  the  presumed  "nervous  fever,'^ 
doctoring  the  GeiTQan  name  instead  of  treating  the 
disease  about  which  he  knew  nothing,  and  amazing  as 
it  sounds,  in  this  condition  of  ulcerating  intestines 
Cypher  was  bringing  on  hemorrhages  from  the  bowels 
by  feeding  the  boy  sour  kkout  ! 

The  parents  insisted  on  his  consulting  with  me, 
but  Cypher  blustered  and  bolted  from  the  room. 
Eational  care  pulled  the  little  fellow  through  and  he 
is  now  one  of  Chicago's  wholesale  clothing  merchants, 
spending  great  sums  advertising  in  magazines. 

Another  typhoid  case  I  treated  outside  the  hospital 
that  the  brothers  sent  me  to  referred  his  recovery  to 
his  persistence  in  holding  on  to  a  crucifix  during  the 
whole  time  he  was  sick. 

These  two  cases  were  about  all  the  typhoids  I  had 
on  the  strength  of  the  hospital  experience. 

But  of  such  is  the  kingdom  of  heaven,  in  practice 
ing  in  a  big  city. 


Man  is  not  the  onlj  slave  making  animal,  for  ants 
enslave  other  ants  and  domesticate  plant  lice  as  their 
cows,  the  aphides.  But  the  more  intelligent  man  real- 
izes that  slavery  degrades  himself  and  his  victim, 
though  in  granting  the  slave  freedom  it  is  not  neces- 
sary to  overlook  his  inferiority. 

And  we  can  realize  our  own  inferiority  to  the 
financial  wreckers  for  whom  we  toil,  for  we  are  prac- 
tically slaves  to  Wall  street  exploiters  and  treasury 
rohbers.  Can  we  emancipate  ourselves?  Have  we 
sufficient  intelligence  to  do  so?  Have  we  sufficient 
honesty  and  courage  to  fight  these  pirates  in  the 
interest  of  common  decency  and  humanity  ? 

There  is  a  very  prevalent  desire  to  get  in  with 
them,  as  the  people  suggested  that  I  should  instead  of 
fighting  boodlers  thirty  years  as  I  have  done ;  but 
it  is  ^'sL  I'outrance"  with  me,  and  I  hope  to  see  much 
done  toward  the  overthrow  of  saloon  keeping  influence 
in  our  national  and  municipal  affairs  and  legal  checks 
enforced  against  greed  and  spoliation  of  peaceful, 
honest  multitudes.  C.  E.  Eussell  dwells  on  the  organ- 
ization of  greed,  on  the  passing  of  wealth  into  the 
liands  of  the  few,  on  lawless  corporations,  beef  trusts 
controlling  nation's  food,  and  oil  companies  seizing 
the  nation's  financial  energies,  and  the  general  lower- 


ing  of  national  standards  of  morality.  The  waste  of 
insurance,  the  groAvth  of  power  able  to  nullify  laws 
and  defy  government,  huge  swindles,  like  the  ship 
building  company  and  mail  carrying,  gi-eat  confidence 
gauK  s  like  amalgamated  copper,  the  misrule  of  Penn- 
sylvania and  the  rottenness  of  ^ew  Jersey. 

The  growing  slums  in  cities,  the  darkness  of 
drudging  labor,  millionaires  and  paupers  multiply- 

"We  cannot  have  slums  without  the  deadly  pen- 
alty of  slums,  and  we  cannot  tolerate  the  spoliation 
and  degradation  of  the  least  of  these  our  brethren 
without  being  despoiled  and  degraded  ourselves." 

The  motto  of  Switzerland  is  "One  for  all  and  all 
for  one,"  and  our  country  could  imitate  the  initiative 
and  referendum  and  the  real  republicanism  of  that 
country  with  great  advantage  to  our  common  people^ 
the  only  kind  we  are  supposed  to  have,  instead  of  a& 
at  present  allowing  misrepresentatives  and  gigantic 
thieves  to  rule  and  rob  us. 

But  in  unlocked  for  ways  the  masses  are  growing 
enlightened,  and  those  who  have  claimed  to  be  our 
leaders  and  teachers  are  finding  out  that  they  are  left 
behind  in  this  duty  by  new  warriors  for  liberty  and 

Roosevelt  very  properly  says,  that  "if  there  is  one 
tendency  more  than  another  unhealthy  and  undesir- 
able, it  is  the  tendency  to  deify  mere  ^smartness,'  un- 
accompanied by  a  sense  of  moral  accountability.  We 
shall  never  make  our  republic  what  it  should  be  until 

Weli'aee  op  the  multitude  265 

as  a  people  we  thoroiiglily  understand  and  put  into 
practice  the  doctrine  that  success  is  abhorrent  if  at- 
tained by  the  sacrifice  of  the  principles  of  nioralitji 
The  successful  man,  whether  in  business  or  in  politics^ 
who  has  risen  bv  conscienceless  swindling  of  his  neigh- 
bors, by  deceit  and  chicanery,  by  unscrupulousness, 
boldness  and  unscrupulous  cunning,  stands  toward 
society  as  a  dangerous  wild  beast.  The  mean  and 
cringing  admiration  which  such  a  career  commands 
among  those  who  think  crookedly  or  not  at  all,  makes 
this  kind  of  success  perhaps  the  most  dangerous  of 
all  the  influences  that  threaten  our  national  life.  Our 
standard  of  public  and  private  conduct  will  never  be 
raised  to  the  proper  level  until  we  make  the  scroundrel 
who  succeeds  feel  the  weight  of  a  hostile  public  opin- 
ion even  more  strongly  than  the  scoundrel  who  fails." 

Concerning  the  labor  question,  in  a  Chicago  ad- 
dress in  1900,  Roosevelt  said  in  the  course  of  his 
speech : 

''You  have  learned  the  great  lesson  of  acting  in 
combination,"  and  he  told  the  people  present  at  the 
labor  day  picnic  that  it  would  be  impossible  to  over- 
estimate the  benefits  from  such  association.  He  de- 
precated demagogic  high  sounding  appeals  to  passion, 
saying  that  "a  ton  of  oratory  was  not  worth  an  ounce 
of  hard-headed,  kindly  common-sense." 

"Each  man  shall  in  deed,  and  not  merely  in  word, 
be  treated  strictly  on  his  worth  as  a  man;  that  each 
shall  do  full  justice  to  his  fellow,  and  in  return  shall 
exact  full  justice  from  him.  Each  group  has  its  special 

2(jG  fun  in  a  BOCTOR^S  LTF£ 

interests;  and  yet  the  higher,  broader,  deeper  inter- 
ests are  those  which  apply  to  all  men  alike;  for  the 
spirit  of  brotherhood  in  American  citizenship,  when 
rightly  understood  and  applied,  is  more  important 
than  aiight  else.  Let  ns  scrupulously  guard  the  special 
interests  of  the  wage  worker,  the  farmer,  the  manu- 
facturer, and  the  merchant,  giving  to  each  man  his 
due  and  also  seeing  that  he  does  not  wrong  his  fellows ; 
but  let  us  keep  ever  clearly  before  oitr  minds  the  great 
fact  that,  where  the  deepest  chords  are  touched,  the 
interests  of  all  are  alike  and  must  be  guarded  alike. '^ 

He  spoke  of  avoiding  hatred  as  the  basis  of  action, 
of  retaining  self  respect  and  respecting  the  rights  of 
all  others. 

ISTicholas  Paine  Gilman  in  a  study  of  the  wages 
system  presents  his  conclusions  and  reasons  in  a  book 
Well  worth  reading,  called  "Profit  Sharing  between 
Employer  and  Employee,"  and  bearing  directly  there- 
on he  refers  to  co-operation,  and  on  page  40  remarks : 
"The  democratic  element  in  society  is  undoubtedly 
gaining  strength  each  year,  and  there  is  no  good 
reason  in  lamenting  its  advance.  But  it  will  never  do 
away  with  the  natural  aristocracy  which  has  made 
skill  in  the  conduct  of  business  the  endowment  of  a 
fow.  The  many  must  continue  to  follow,  as  they 
have  always  done  if  they  did  not  rush  to  disaster ;  and 
the  select  minority  of  nature's  choosing  must  continue 
to  lead  if  the  many  are  to  prosper.  IN'atural  selec- 
tion makes  short  work  with  headless  co-operative  as- 
sociations in  competition  with  firms  directed  by  cap- 

Welfaee  of  the  multitude  267 

tains  of  industry.  The  weakness  of  co-operative  pro- 
duction, thns  far,  has  been  its  gross  undervaluation 
of  the  manager.  The  dream  of  an  equality  contra- 
dicted by  the  plain  facts  of  human  nature  has  led  co- 
operators  to  offer  petty  salaries  and  restricted  powers 
to  their  superintendents.  But  modern  industry  takes 
on  more  and  more  the  character  of  a  civilized  warfare 
in  which  regiments  composed  of  brigadier  generals 
are  quite  out  of  place.  While,  then,  attempts  at  co- 
operation have  been  numerous  the  world  over,  the  per- 
centage of  failures  is  very  large  in  consequence  of  this 
fundamental  mistake  of  underrating  the  part  that 
brains  have  to  play  in  successful  production,  under 
the  keen  competition  wihch  is  the  rule  in  the  last  half 
of  the  nineteenth  century.  The  wages  system,  on  the 
contrary,  is  continually  making  inroads  into  the  ranks 
of  the  small  dealers,  who  are  forced  to  take  service 
with  the  large  firms.  Joint-stock  companies  multi- 
ply in  every  direction,  and  the  number  of  persons  oil 
wages  or  salary  increase  every  year." 

Gilman  favors  piece  work  with  rewards  to  stimu- 
late honest  work  and  rapidity  consistent  with  supe- 
riority. Where  employees  share  profits  there  is  great- 
er economy,  less  waste  of  time  and  material,  and  the 
entire  moral  tone  is  raised  in  keeping  with  the  spirit 
of  justice  and  right  pervading  such  co-operative 
places.  Antagonisms  between  employer  and  help  be- 
eonie  impossible  as  the  interests  of  all  are  bound  to- 

He  details  the  methods  and  success  of  the  Lcclaire 

268  FUN  IN  A  BOCTOir  S  TJt^lii 

SYstom  oriixinaliii.f?  in  Paris,  and  sinco  thon  spreact  to 
other  countries  with  similar  instances  of  great  co- 
operative establishments  that  have  prospered  and 
grown  every  year  since  the  early  part  of  the  last  cen- 

In  the  Barbas  establishment,  on  similar  lines  to 
that  of  Leclaire,  the  Consultative  committee,  which  is 
the  usual  intermediary  between  the  master  and  the 
men,  meets  every  three  months ;  it  includes  the  mana- 
gers, the  chief  overseers,  the  two  oldest  employees  and 
the  five  oldest  workmen.  This  committee  has  showQ 
us,  said  Barbas,  that  our  workmen  understood  at  the 
outset  that  labor  is  not  everything  in  business,  but  that 
capital,  and,  above  all,  managing  ability,  have  a  great 
role  in  production  and  in  the  results  in  profits  and  in 
reputation.  The  power  of  final  dismissal  rests  only 
with  Barbas,  and  the  firm  expressly  reserves  the  right 
to  abandon  participation  at  pleasure.  The  men  be- 
come attached  to  the  place  and  are  economical  of  ma*- 
terial ;  for  instance,  instead  of  cutting  a  small  piece  out 
of  a  sheet  of  zinc  they  hunt  around  for  one  among 
the  cuttings;  they  are  careful  of  the  apparatus,  less 
imprudent  in  all  ways,  and  by  exactness,  good  work 
and  behavior  try  to  please  customers ;  they  watch  over 
the  safety  of  others,  for  an  accident  is  a  loss  of  profits. 
Participation  assures  a  stable  body  of  workmen,  and 
workers  pass  a  probationary  period  to  ascertain  if 
worthy  of  being  taken  into  the  profit-sharing  arrange^ 

A  History  of  Co-operation  in  the  United  States 


was  published  in  1888  by  the  Johns  Hopkins  Univers- 
ity, and  can  be  found  usually  in  public  libraries; 
among  numerous  other  works  on  the  subject  may  be 
mentioned  those  of  Henry  Fawcett,  Sedley  Taylor,  W. 
T.  Thornton,  W.  Stanley  Jevons,  Francis  A.  Walker, 
'N.  0.  x^elson,  F.  H.  Giddings,  besides  works  in 
French  and  German,  and  state  reports  on  labor  condi- 

Charles  Edward  Russell  has  energetically  surveyed 
the  subject  of  the  "Uprising  of  the  Many"  in  a  book 
under  that  title  and  in  other  writings,  and  he  refers  to 
interesting  cases  in  point,  one  especially  that  we  can 
condense  from  and  other  writers  who  mention  it,  and 
which  has  developed  into  what  is  now  known  as  the 
Eochedale  System. 

In  1843  the  proprietors  of  the  flannel  mills  in 
Rochedale,  England,  made  fortunes  out  of  the  toil  of 
their  workmen  yearly,  and  in  some  cases  monthly, 
while  continuing  the  workmen  at  starvation  wages. 
"With  increased  labor  and  the  same  old  pay  the  workers 
naturally  asked  that  their  burdens  be  lightened,  and 
with  refusal  a  strike  followed  during  which  the  strik- 
ers were  reduced  to  extremes.  An  attempt  was  made 
to  sustain  the  strikers  on  two  pence  a  week  paid  by 
each  weaver  who  had  work,  but  the  strikers  were  many 
and  the  employed  few,  so  the  plan  failed.  But  the 
Toad  Lane  weavers  on  strike  hit  upon  a  plan  that 
has  borne  amazing  results.  Twenty-eight  of  these 
miserably  impoverished  flannel  weavers  kept  up  their 
payments  of  two  pence  a  week,  appointed  a  treasurer 

L'  i  ()  FUN  IN  A  DOCTOR  S  LIFE 

ini«l  ])<)ii(ilit  a  little  tea,  salt  and  jam  at  wholesale 
j)ricos  and  divided  according  to  amounts  contributx?d ; 
so  h(  re  was  a  direct  gain  with  no  risk  of  loss.  A  small 
portion  b(ung  reserved  for  any  future  need  in  the  fol- 
lowing year  amounted  to  $140 ;  so  they  rented  a  store, 
sold  only  for  cash,  bought  and  sold  only  the  best  and 
purest  of  groceries,  opposed  trickery  of  every  sort  in 
buying  or  selling,  sold  only  at  the  current  market 
rates,  would  not  compete  with  anyone,  and  finally 
devoted  a  percentage  to  education. 

The  next  step  was  to  issue  stock  at  $5  a  share,  and 
in  March,  1845,  their  capital  was  $905,  with  weekly 
receipts  of  $150  for  sales  of  goods. 

In  1850  there  were  600  members,  and  in  1857 
membership  had  increased  to  1850,  while  the  sales 
ran  up  to  $400,000  per  annum. 

Everything  is  determined  by  all  its  members  in 
a  meeting  in  which  all  have  votes  and  equal  rights  to 
be  heard.  The  co-operative  societies  of  England  are 
now  too  strong  for  politicians  and  other  greedy  and 
unscrupulous  vested  interests  to  destroy  or  even  dis- 
turb. A  very  large  part  of  the  population  now  owns 
stock  in  these  companies  and  experience  such  benefits 
as  to  encourage  further  growth  of  the  plan. 

Europe  has  a  hundred  thousand  such  societies, 
with  membership  running  into  millions,  and  in  some 
places  the  increase  is  slow  and  gradual,  while  in  other 
places  it  is  by  steps  and  strides. 

A  Philadelphia  newspaper  reporter  who  signs  him- 
self G.  M.  G.,  printed  in  the  E'orth  American  of  May 


Sth,  1908,  an  interview  with  the  actor  and  former 
prize  fighter  John  L.  Sullivan,  who  in  homely  but 
convincing  language  shows  that  he  has  valuable  opin- 
ions on  the  money  and  labor  situation.  He  suggested 
that  old  Joe  Cannon,  the  gagger  of  the  house  of  repre- 
sentatives, should  be  licked  for  his  working  against 
the  people  on  the  corporation  ^^proposish."     Said  he : 

''Stocks  and  Wall  street!  Why,  it's  the  joke  of 
the  century  what  they  're  allowed  to  get  away  with. 

''Some  wise  guy  who  wants  to  make  a  play  for 
some  foreign  drug-eating  duke  is  a  little  shy  of  the 
fodder  to  attract  that  special  brand  of  cattle. 

"What  does  he  do  ?  He  springs  some  paper  on  a 
bum  railroad  or  often  a  concern  that  ain't  got  any 
value  in  land,  sea  or  air.  He  comes  along  and  works 
us  into  taking  a  slice  of  it. 

"We  can't  save  much  on  our  wages.  It  looks  like 
a  wise  play  to  grab  a  bit  of  the  easy  stuff.  You  know 
that.  Sucker  play.  It's  gone  in  a  minute  to  help 
the  duke  buy  blooms  for  ladies  the  Wall  street  man's 
daughter  will  name  when  she  springs  the  breakaway 
call  through  the  voice  of  her  high-priced  lawyer. 

"What  happens  ?  Can  we  get  the  Wall  street 
gent  who  flammed  us  arrested  ?  l^ot  a  bit  of  it.  Well 
I  should  hope  not.  He  is  too  necessary  in  picking  out 
our  United  States  senators  to  be  pushed  behind  the 
big  gate. 

"And  its  been  my  great  pleasure  to  tell  some  of 
those  dollar  storing  old  crooks  that  no  man  ever  made 
$5,000,000   on  the  level.      Certainly  not.    I  would 

Zi'Ji  rUi\  IX  A  DOCTOR  .S  LIFE 

tell  John  ]).  lliat  the-  biggest  part  of  his  pile  has  the 
iino  siiK^ll  of  back-number  limburger  cheese. 

""I  think  the  time  will  come  when  there  won't  be 
such  a  thing  as  a  multi-millionaire. 

"Why?  B( cause  the  American  people  will  wake 
up.  It  takes  a  man  like  President  Roosevelt  to  help 
that  desirable  finish.  He's  the  greatest  man  who  ever 
had  the  job,  and  I'm  a  Democrat. 

"The  common  people,  the  low  bimch,  make  me 
think  of  the  rough  stones  in  the  foundation  of  a  house. 
They  are  out  of  sight,  way  down,  with  their  faces 
pushed  into  the  dirt.  They  never  get  out  unless  some 
explosion  topples  the  whole  shebang. 

"Every  weight  that  is  added  bears  on  them,  no 
matter  what's  between.  They  got  together  in  self  de- 
fence. They've  got  a  right  to.  But  their  own  reme- 
dies don't  work.  They  get  up  a  union.  That's  all 
right.  They  must  compete  with  money  banded  against 
them.     But  what  do  they  do  ? 

"Seventy-five  good  workmen  expect  to  carry  along 
twenty-five  loafers  or  incompetents.  Same  wages  for 
the  whole  hundred  is  the  slogan.  But  it  ain't  right. 
The  boss  oughtn't  to  be  expected  to  pay  a  bum  car- 
penter, who'll  waste  more  lumber  than  he'll  put  to 
good  use,  as  much  as  the  skilled  man,  who  turns  out 
twice  the  quantity  of  good  work  and  wastes  nothing. 

"The  unions  want  to  get  wise,  too.  The  miners' 
union  in  the  West  went  on  the  bum  just  as  soon  as 
it  demanded  that  muckers,  the  fellows  who  didn't 
know  gold  from  gravel,  and  were  only  hired  to  turn 


tile  dirt  into  the  sluices  so  that  the  quicksilver  could 
do  the  picking,  should  get  $6  a  day  just  the  same  as 
the  expert. 

^ 'Maybe  the  co-operative  plan,  the  way  former 
Governor  Douglass  plays  it  in  his  shoe  factory  in 
Massachusetts,  would  be  the  proper  caper.  There  ac- 
cording to  their  work,  the  men  get  an  interest  in  the 

When  writing  my  ^'Evolution  of  Man  and  His 
Mind,"  from  a  life-time  accumulation  of  memoranda, 
I  examined  the  various  sociological  devices  for  better- 
ing the  condition  of  the  community  and  merely  touch- 
ed upon  the  co-operative  method,  intending  to  study 
it  more  fully  later.  And  I  have  done  so ;  comparing 
views,  figures,  facts,  opinions,  pro  and  con,  and  it  is 
not  worth  while  to  try  any  other  means  of  making  vast 
improvements  in  that  line  than  the  successful  co-opera- 
tive plans  developed  mainly  from  the  Rochedale  sys- 
tem and  survivals  of  multitudes  of  other  related 
European  practical  organizations. 

Distributive  co-operation,  that  for  buying  and  sell- 
ing groceries,  for  instance,  is  the  most  successful 
everywhere,  while  productive  or  manufacturing  has 
only  been  successful  under  the  direction  of  some  such 
head  as  Sir  Titus  Salt,  Leclaire  and  similar  big 
brained,  big  hearted  men  who  proved  by  their  lives 
that  they  had  the  welfare  of  their  fellows  at  heart. 
Honesty  is  probably  more  common  than  general 
ability,  but  when  conjoined,  other  things  equal,  best 
results  accrue. 

274  FUN  IN  A  doctor's  LIFE 

The  Coopers'  co-operative  organization  in  Minn- 
esota lias  done  well  by  all  concerned,  and  there  arc 
numerous  profit-sharing  concerns  as  well  as  co-opera- 
tive corporations  with  or  without  profit-sharing  in 
America  that  are  now  established  safely.  The  ex- 
perience of  the  Rochedale  managers  is  the  most  in- 
structive, and  their  advice  the  best  to  follow,  but  of 
course,  different  businesses  and  local  conditions  mod- 
ify the  applicability  of  the  Rochedale  or  any  other 
system  to  the  needs  of  employers  and  workmen  in  any 
other  places.  But  certain  principles  remain  the  same 
everywhere : 

Cash  transactions  only. 

Pure  goods  only  bought  or  sold. 

'No  trickery  in  anything. 

J^othing  for  mere  display.  Economy  enables 
better  satisfaction  of  customers. 

Shares  $5,  non-forf citable  under  any  pretext,  as 
in  lapsing  of  insurance  policies,  transferable  only  to 
the  company  when  sold,  as  the  shares  are  to  be  kept 
from  speculators  and  rascally  exploiters. 

One  share  only  to  one  person. 

The  company  can  buy  back  the  share  of  anyone 
at  a  proper  price,  which  it  has  the  right  to  fix,  and 
usually  this  price  is  far  above  par. 

By  such  and  other  methods  the  elimination  of  the 
fanatic,  the  incompetent  and  the  rogue  is  accom- 
plished. No  religious,  temperance  or  other  side  opin- 
ion difference  is  allowed  to  sway  considerations  in  the 
least;  and  arrangements  are  made  to  listen  to  anyone 


by  consent  of  the  voters,  all  stockholders,  and  it  is  by 
their  acting  that  government  is  made  and  final  action 
taken  in  everything.  Good  managers  are  trusted 
with  full  power  until  deposed  for  cause,  or  by  vote 
of  all  members. 

The  Evolution  Publishing  Company  of  Atlantic 
City,  IsTew  Jersey,  was  incorporated  under  'New  Jersey 
laws  of  1902,  for  the  express  purpose  of  giving 
authors  a  square  deal  and  enabling  them  to  know  that 
they  are  receiving  the  lion's  share  of  the  profits  from 
their  work  by  check  systems  upon  the  output  of  the 
printers  and  presses,  placing  all  editions  under  the 
control  of  the  author  or  copyright  purchaser  instead 
of  having  to  rely  upon  statements  of  publishers  as  to 
the  number  of  books  sold;  statements  that  may  not 
be  true,  as  many  a  robbed  author  has  had  good  reason 
to  know. 

Correspondence  with  those  intending  to  issue 
books  is  solicited  by  the  company,  and  fair  dealing 
with  authors  will  be  assured  in  such  manner  that  the 
author  can  positively  know  the  truth  of  all  statements 
made  by  the  Evolution  Publishing  Company. 

Any  work  permitted  to  pass  through  the  United 
States  mails  will  be  published  by  the  company  at  very 
slightly  more  than  the  mere  cost  of  printing  and  bind- 
ing, in  artistic  satisfactory  styles,  the  money  for  sales 
coming  direct  to  the  author. 

Manuscript  should  not  be  sent  until  preliminary 
understanding  is  made  as  to  plan  of  publishing  pre- 


Hundreds  of  boys,  even  as  far  back  as  the  fifties, 
screwed  rollers,  such  as  bed  castors,  into  old  skates 
without  blades  or  runners.  And  I  was  one  of  the  boys. 
The  job  was  not  a  good  one,  for  one  skate  split  in  two 
and  the  other  with  rollers  made  precarious  footing,  but 
a  neighboring  lawyer  named  Green,  in  St.  Louis, 
watched  me  limpingly  sliding  on  these  imperfect  an- 
cestors of  the  rink  rollers  and  pronounced  me  a  queer 
duck.  Lots  of  anticipations  of  this  sort  have  been 
made,  but  times  have  to  ripen  for  the  spread  of  mech- 
anism of  all  sorts. 

Watching  a  hose  cart  reeled  by  hand,  it  occurred 
to  me  that  if  the  axle  were  geared  to  the  reel  the  cart 
could  run  back  over  the  hose  and  wind  up  by  horse 
power  instead  of  hand.  About  1856  I  wrote  to  the 
Scientific  American  editors,  and  Munn  &  Company 
replied  that  it  was  worth  patenting  as  a  novel  arrange- 
]nent,  but  I  had  no  money  as  a  boy  and  long  years 
after  saw  pictures  of  my  machine  invented  by  some 
one  else,  but  steam  began  to  take  care  of  such  things, 
and  hose  may  be  strung  where  carts  cannot  run  and 
reel  it,  though  there  was  something  in  the  notion  and 
it  may  be  utilized  yet. 

Then,  boot  blacking,  it  struck  me,  could  be  made 


easier  hj  a  circular  brush  turned  by  a  crank.  Twenty 
years  after  I  saw  a  machine  of  the  sort,  but  it  did 
not  come  into  general  use,  though  I  hear  that  in  Ger- 
many there  is  a  coin-in-the-slot-machine  at  which  you 
stand  and  your  boots  are  cleaned. 

While  in  the  signal  service  I  sent  Captain  How- 
gate  many  suggestions  for  improving  machinery  of  the 
service,  but  he  was  too  greatly  interested  in  having  a 
*^good  time"  to  be  impressed. 

At  Ft.  Benton,  Montana,  I  split  the  button  of  an 
ordinary  telegraph  sending  key,  put  a  spring  between 
the  two  piet3es,  arranging  one  of  the  halves  to  fall  over 
upon  a  platinum  point  and  close  the  circuit  whenever 
the  key  was  not  in  use.  Model  makers  wanted  $25 
to  make  a  presentable  one  and  patent  attorneys  two 
or  three  hundred  dollars  for  bothering  about  it.  Ee- 
examining  the  need  for  the  self-closing  key,  I  con- 
cluded the  old  switch  method  was  good  enough  and 
that  so  few  accidents  occured  by  leaving  it  open  when 
not  in  use,  that  the  new  key  could  only  become  popular 
by  a  big  company  sending  it  out  in  place  of  the  old 
ones,  and  big  companies  are  averse  to  paying  inventors 

Many  considerations  besides  the  mere  machine 
itself  have  to  be  regarded  in  putting  out  an  invention. 
The  most  valuable  thing  may  be  barred  from  use  by 
Jiundreds  of  impediments.  For  instance,  Edison  ar- 
ranged a  simple  voting  apparatus  by  which  a  legis- 
lator at  his  desk  may  press  a  button  and  record  his 
-aye  or  nay  at  the  clerk's  desk  electrically.     But  the 

278  FUN  IN"  A  DOCTOR'S  LIFi; 

politicians  opposed  anything  that  would  favor  tonost 

Somotiines  an  inventor  asks  too  much  and  in\'itos 
rascality,  such  as  poor  Dr.  Ilil],  of  Chicago,  oncount- 
erod.  The  old  Danioll  copper  and  zinc  with  porous 
cup  for  chemicals  was  supplanted  by  HilPs  gravity 
battery,  the  zinc  being  suspended  in  the  least  dense 
fluid  at  the  top  of  the  cell,  and  the  copper  disk  instead 
of  surrounding  the  bar  of  zinc  was  placed  in  the 
sulphate  of  copper  solution  in  the  bottom  of  the  celL 
Hill  suspended  his  wheel  of  zinc  from  a  stick  resting' 
on  top  of  the  cell.  He  was  offered  ten  cents  a  cell  by 
the  Western  Union  Telegraph  company  and  would- 
have  been  made  very  wealthy  had  he  accepted,  but  re- 
fused. The  company  sent  to  France  and  put  through- 
the  Callaud  improvement  on  Hill's  battery,  merely 
holding  the  zinc  to  the  glass  hj  a  projection  at  one 
side  of  the  zinc.  This  is  used  everywhere  and  Hill 
was  ruined.    But  he  originated  the  gravity  method. 

At  Ft.  Benton  I  calculated  the  surface  of  a  self- 
equating  sun  dial  to  give  clock  time  by  inspection; 
mean  instead  of  apparent  time,  the  two  differing  by 
fifteen  minutes  slow  or  fast,  at  times. 

I  supplied  military  posts  with  the  dials  and  placed 
them  at  tovms  along  the  Missouri  river  as  far  down 
as  Sioux  City,  publishing  the  formula  in  Van  ^os- 
trand's  Engineering  Magazine  in  'New  York  in  July, 

At  medical  college  our  professor  of  obstetrics  ex- 
hibited a  complicated,  expensive  apparatus  called  a^ 

pelvimeter,  to  determine  by  several  calculations  the 
parturient  possibilities  of  deformed  pelves.  The  ma- 
chine struck  me  as  so  absurd  that  I  started  in  to  de- 
vise a  simpler  affair  alid  succeeded.  The  apparatus  was 
on  the  caliper  order  and  worth  about  $20.  My  simpli- 
fication was  at  the  cost  of  two  rubber  bands  to  go  over 
fingers  and  a  foot  of  tape.  Put  the  tape  over  index 
and  middle  fingers  held  by  the  rubbers,  thumb  in  palm 
and  fingers  pointedly  bunched,  introduce  and  place 
index  finger  in  sacral  cavity,  the  tip  of  middle  finger 
carried  to  pubes,  allowing  tape  to  slide  through  one 
band  but  not  the  other,  then  close  the  fingers,  with- 
draw and  put  rule  over  tape  length  and  you  have  the 
pelvic  capacity. 

The  description  takes  more  time  than  the  use  of 
the  contrivance.  Ten  seconds  sufiicing  for  that,  while 
the  calipers,  great  unwieldly  hoops,  took  half  an  hour 
to  apply  and  figure  the  results. 

Dr.  Roler,  to  whom  I  explained  my  plan,  laugh- 
ingly remarked  that  it  was  "a  cute  yankee  trick ;"  he 
"was  the  obstetric  professor.  I  described  it  in  several 
medical  journals  of  the  time,  1880. 

And  in  the  American  Practitioner  subsequently  I 
explained  a  means  of  dispensing  with  the  unwieldly, 
complicated  "crytometer,"  for  measuring  heads  to 
locate  the  fissure  of  Kolando  in  the  brain  prior  to 
operations  on  the  cerebrum.  My  invention  was  a 
plain  rubber  strap  witli  a  mark  at  the  proper  distance 
from  the  end  to  show  where  the  fissure  was  when  the 
strap  was  stretched  over  the  head  from  nose  root  to 


occiput ;  the  stretching  adapting  the  measure  to  any 
size  head,  but  giving  exact  results  for  all  sizes. 

At  Fort  Sully,  Dakota  Territory,  in  1873,  I  con- 
tinued experiments  on  a  printing  telegraph  system 
that  had  occiirnd  to  me  three  years  before.  Occas- 
ionally through  subsequent  years  as  time  permitted 
I  worked  at  the  invention  but  made  little  progress 
until  about  1904,  when  the  final  simplification  worked 
itself  out  in  my  mind.  It  is  a  cheap,  practical  telauto- 
graph, a  fac-simile  telegraph  by  means  of  which 
printed  or  written  characters  can  be  transmitted  any 
distance ;  exclusive  of  wires  and  battery  the  terminal 
receiver  and  sender  may  be  manufactured  at  from  $2^ 
to  $5  each.  Other  telautographs  costing  at  least 
several  hundred  dollars  and  easily  deranged. 

Ever  since  typewriters  appeared  and  gradually  be- 
came improved,  though  remaining  as  expensive,  I 
used  one  or  other  of  the  machines,  and  in  absence  of 
operators  or  for  economy  grew  familiar  with  their 
workings  and  acquired  fair  speed  in  working  them^ 
preparing  all  manuscripts  for  the  printer  on  a 
Remington,  mainly,  and  finally  becoming  so  depend- 
ent upon  the  key  board  that  it  is  a  nuisance  to  me  to 
use  pen  and  ink  any  more.  It  seems  to  have  become 
a  part  of  my  periphery,  so  that  I  can  think  faster  and 
certainly  write  more  legibly  with  the  machine  than 
with  ^%ng  hand."^ 

I  looked  upon  the  basket  full  of  long  grasshopper 
legs,  the  typebar  levers,  ratchets,  pinions,  wheels, 
cams,  racks,  cogs,  springs,  rods,,  so  delicately  fash^ 

loned,  requiring  such  exact  workmanship  and  fine 
materials,  as  probably  too  numerous  and  costly,  but 
had  little  time  to  take  from  other  things  to  attempt 
simplification  of  the  mechanism. 

Then  too,  I  realized  that  able  minds  and  hands 
had  long  been  working  out  problems  in  typewriter 
perfection,  so  was  not  bumptious  enough  to  fancy  at 
that  time  that  I  could  make  anything  better  than  we 
had  in  the  market  in  the  way  of  typewriters. 

But  the  complications  annoyed  me  and  I  felt 
that  it  was  a  big  mistake  to  have  so  much  machinery 
to  do  so  little  and  simple  work.  Then  I  thought  may- 
be some  new  principle  might  be  used  to  dispose  of 
the  jointed  rods  and  typebar  levers,  gf3tting  the  finger 
stroke  nearer  the  type  stroke  on  the  paper.  That  was 
the  beginning  of  three  or  four  years'  immersion  in  the 
study  of  all  that  pertained  to  typewriters,  while  at  the 
same  time  writing  my  Therapeutics  and  publishing 
it,  both  these  undertakings  were  to  fill  up  time  while 
waiting  for  arrangements  to  perfect  themselves  slowly 
in  the  starting  of  a  great  sanitarium  in  Delaware. 
Everything  takes  time  and  I  was  used  to  disappoint- 
ments but  always  did  something  while  waiting,  and 
it  was  fortunate,  for  eventually  I  was  completely  dis- 
gusted with  the  waiting,  forseeing  a  swindle,  and  has- 
tened my  typewriter  studies  to  let  the  making  of  my 
typewriter  and  telautograph  become  my  main  work. 

For  step  by  step  I  got  into  the  typewriter  science 
and  literature,  searching  through  libraries,  shops^ 
patent  office  reports,  through  mechanics  and  manufac- 


tnrers,  until  I  had  settlod  npon  a  method  of  short- 
cning  up  the  instrumental  parts  amazingly.  But  I 
gathered  the  whole  hisory  of  typewriters,  from  the 
crude  inception  in  Queen  Anne's  time  down  through 
all  the  wheel,  type  bar,  plate  and  a  couple  of  hemis- 
phere inventions.  Going  back  through  all  patent 
office  reports  since  the  patent  office  was  started,  gradu- 
ally coming  down  to  the  weekly  issued  ones  which 
were  searched  as  soon  as  published,  I  went  to  AVash- 
ington  and  waded  through  the  piatent  office  records  in 
the  library  of  that  department,  satisfying  myself  that 
my  ideas  were  new  and  there  could  be  no  accusation 
of  copying  brought  against  me.  TheU  came  long 
months  of  model  making,  gradual  improvements  in 
parts,  always  with  regard  to  simplicity,  never  satis- 
fied with  what  would  merely  do  the  work  well,  but 
seeking  for  a  simpler  method  of  doing  it  just  as  well 
or  better. 

By -this  time  I  was  cornered,  for  the  santiariuiil 
was  threatening  to  fizzle  and  my  fimds  were  getting 
low  with  a  family  to  support,  so  in  the  interim  of 
making  preparations  to  practice  medicine  at  Atlantic 
City,  the  nearest  large  enough  place  offering  any 
chances  to  my  specialty  of  mental  and  nervous  dis- 
ease, I  sought  a  banker  friend  and  some  honest  me- 
chanics, explained  things  to  them,  and  we  formed  the 
Book  and  Electric  Typewriter  Company  under  Dela- 
ware State  incorporation  laws,  and  enough  stock  was 
paid  in  to  go  on  with  the  model  and  employ  a  patent 

Determined  not  to  fail  in  this  enterprise  tliroiigli 
want  of  knowledge  of  any  legal  or  other  business  in- 
volved in  securing  a  valid  i3atent,  I  Went  to  Phila- 
delphia, looked  over  patent  attorneys  there  and  then  to 
Washington,  finally  settling  upon  a  firm  that  now 
handles  my  first  application,  and  I  have  meanwhile 
so  improved  upon  the  original  as  to  make  it  a  matter 
of  no  hurry  or  consequence  as  to  the  patent  for  the 
number  one  model.  Its  slow  consideration  by  the 
patent  office  examiners,  and  the  methods  of  the  present 
attorneys,  afford  useful  clues  to  what  can  be  expected 
when  the  later  models  go  in  for  patent  claims.  The 
original  is  basic  and  all  subsequent  machines  include 
the  principles  upon  which  the  first  claims  are  founded, 
and  what  is  important  to  consider,  the  filing  of  the 
application,  specifications  and  claims  is  dated  No- 
vember 12th,  1906,  the  number  being  343,095,  series 
of  1900,  U.  S.  Patent  Office.  So  no  interference  with 
any  other  claim  is  possible,  nor  is  there  any  prospect 
of  infringement  claim  when  the  patent  is  granted,  for 
the  examiners  are  required  by  law  to  irdmediately  not- 
ify all  parties  to  such  matters  as  soon  after  the  filing 
as  practicable.  In  all  the  vast  mass  of  claims  in  the 
patent  office  there  are  but  two  antiquated  and  expired 
patents  that  bear  the  least  resemblance  to  my  machine, 
and  these  have  been  passed  over  by  the  examiner  as  not 
having  anything  to  do  With  my  particular  invention, 
nor  resembling  any  of  its  working  parts  sufficiently  to^ 
cause  any  claim  for  interference. 

Some  divisions  of  the  Patent  Office  are  well  up' 

284  FUN  IN  A  BOCTOTl\s  LIFE 

with  thoir  work  and  pass  upon  ap])1ications  qniclvly, 
while  others  are  far  behind,  so  much  so  as  to  have 
claims  six  or  seven  years  in  arrears,  in  many  cases 
through  attorneys  amending  original  papers.  I 
notice  that  some  grants  are  upon  filings  made  eight 
years  previously  in  the  typewriter  division.  This 
must  be  the  fault  of  the  inventor  in  complicating 
claims  with  matter  requiring  amendment.  But  a 
serious  matter  to  consider  is  the  honesty  of  the  attor- 
ney and  examiner.  In  1908  a  Philadelphia  lawyer 
and  an  electrical  division  examiner  were  jailed  for 
destroying  patent  office  records  and  obtaining  patents 
fraudulently.  ^N'ow  it  is  impossible  to  say  if  this  is 
not  a  conspiracy  against  honest  men  instead  of  being 
what  is  claimed,  but  the  very  lawyer  under  charges 
was  one  I  waited  an  hour  to  see  in  1906,  but  failed 
to  meet.    He  was  recommended  by  a  model  maker. 

There  is  a  good  deal  of  the  pig-in-the-poke  chances 
in  getting  a  patent  attorney  and  securing  a  patent, 
but  I  shall  lessen  that  gamble  to  the  vanishing  point 
by  vigilance  and  study  of  the  situation. 

Habits  of  close  investigation  and  study  of  princi^ 
pies  in  many  fields,  such  as  the  application  of  mathe- 
matical, chrmical  and  physical  laws  to  physiological 
and  mental  phenomena,  enabled  ready  transfer  of  re- 
search to  mechanism  and  its  synthesis.  The  printing 
telegraph  has  been  worked  out  during  thirty  or  more 
years  of  occasional  planning  to  a  far  simpler  and 
cheaper  shape  than  the  telautograph  of  the  present. 
A  description  of  this  instrument  would  require  but 

ii^VEi^Tio^^s  285 

a  minute's  time  and  a  rough  design  to  place  it  in 
the  power  of  any  fair  electrician  to  grasp  the  idea 
thoroughly,  and  place  me  at  his  mercy  not  to  appro- 
priate it,  but  that  would  be  done  with  difficulty  and 
only  by  corrupting  officials  with  much  money,  for 
precautions  have  been  taken  with  this  and  the  type- 
writer instruments  to  firmly  prove  priority,  so  that 
even  invention  stealing  trusts  could  n\>t  finally  rob  me 
of  the  patents. 

While  immersed  in  medical  and  similar  studies 
my  intentness  and  absorbtion  enabled  the  financial 
expert  to  get  my  profits,  but  now  that  I  intend  to  make 
a  business  of  every  aspect  of  this  patenting  matter, 
and  have  also  gone  into  the  psychology  of  all  persons 
and  things  concerned  therein,  the  gentry  who  live  by 
stealing  the  work  of  others'  brains  will  find  they  have 
no  chance  to  absorb  either  the  typewriter  or  the  fac- 
simile telegraph. 

At  present  the  typewriter  will  be  the  main  affair 
upon  which  to  procure  patents.  The  first  model,  for 
which  application  is  in  the  Patent  Office,  merely 
proves  priority;  the  second  shape  it  assumes  is  the 
more  important  and  final  one,  for  it  simplifies  and  at 
the  same  time  embodies  all  the  preceding  improve- 
ments. It  enables  the  working  parts  to  be  covered  by 
a  small  cigar  box.  The  types  work  straight  down 
upon  the  book  or  platen  on  a  table  without  the  inter- 
vention of  wheels,  grasshopper  legs,  movable  plates, 
spheres  or  olden  devices  to  have  the  key  action  bring 
the   impression  economically  to  the  printing  point. 


Any  one  can  make  a  complicakMl  machine  regardless 
of  cost  to  do  work,  but  it  requires  intense  application 
to  make  complicated  work  with  a  simple  instrument. 
You  can  jab  long  rods  down  with  type  at  the  ends  if 
you  have  all  day  to  write  a  few  words,  but  to  put  an 
universal  key  board  immediately  over  the  book  or 
paper  at  an  inch  or  so  distance,  and  get  better  impres- 
sions, in  a  vastly  wider  range  of  work  than  any  other 
machine  affords,  justifies  the  four  years  of  night  and 
day  study  given  the  subject,  until  "pin-heads^  around 
me  voted  me  an  unmitigated  crank. 

The  inventor  of  the  famous  solar  compass.  Dr. 
Burt,  who  in  turn  was  surveyor,  judge  and  physician, 
arranged  the  first  practical  typewriter,  and  all  type- 
bar  machines  follow  his  first  model  while  improving 

The  knowledge  of  geometry  acquired  in  surveying, 
and  of  printing  when  typesetting,  enabled  me  to  in- 
telligently combine  principles  of  trigonometry  and 
typography  in  perfectly  new  ways  in  my  book  type- 

There  are  toys  sold  that  accomplish  little  with  pro- 
digious work.  My  cheap  machine  accomplishes  pro- 
digious work  with  little  expenditure  of  time  or  effort, 
and  the  working  parts,  which  cost  three-fourths  of  the 
making  of  ordinary  typewriters,  in  my  machines  may 
be  made  for  a  sum  apparently  ridiculously  small,  so 
much  so  that  at  first  I  fancied  the  entire  apparatus 
could  be  put  on  the  market  for  ten  dollars,  and  yet 
think  that  eventually  a  well  made,  inexpensive  affair 

INVEIi!  TIOIS^S  287 

will  spring  from  this  innovation  at  some  such,  cost,  but 
looking  at  the  three  himdred  dollar  and  hundred  and 
fifty  dollar  book  machines,  that  get  out  of  alignment 
so  readily  and  cost  so  much  to  keep  in  order,  it  seems 
to  me  now  that  the  better  class  and  wider  range  of 
work  practicable  to  my  improved  book  typewriter  with 
the  utter  impossibility  of  its  ever  getting  out  of  align- 
ment, will  justify  the  manufacturers  in  placing  the 
price  at  twenty  dollars  and  fifty  dollars  for  two  kinds 
of  instruments  when  placed  on  the  market.  But  this 
is  a  matter  of  expediency,  and  the  directors  may  not 
care  to  enter  into  competition  with  inferior  machines 
at  higher  prices  but  gradually  lower  the  prices  as  in- 
evitable improvements  and  rapidity  of  manufacture 

Shares  of  stock  in  the  Book  &  Electric  Typewriter 
Company  are  ten  dollars,  July,  1908,  but  as  soon  as 
the  second  application  goes  in  the  Patent  Office  upon 
the  completion  of  the  second  model,  the  value  of  these 
shares  will  naturally  enhance  to  double  or  more  the 
charter  price  and  may  eventually  find  they  have  as 
good  an  investment  for  profits  as  any  previously 
radical  revolution  in  machinery  has  made.  Holders 
of  ten  dollars  telephone  stock  grew  rich  on  the  single 

The  Book  &  Electric  Typewriter  Company  was 
organized  under  Delaware  incorporation  laws,  and 
a  clause  in  the  charter  explains  its  object  to  be:  "To 
transact  the  business  of  improving,  completing,  patent- 
ing, manufacturing  and  selling  typewriters  and  writ- 


ing  and  printing  telegraphs  invontoj  by  Dr.  S.  V. 
Clevcnger,  and  based  on  new  principles  discovered  by 

This  charter  is  recorded  Oct.  11,  1906. 

When  model  number  two  is  finished  and  the 
second  application  for  a  patent  is  applied  for,  while 
the  first  applicaion  is  still  pending  for  the  original 
machine,  the  ground  work  of  the  subsequent  improve- 
ments, then  the  printing  and  writing  telegraph  will 
be  taken  up,  as  by  that  time  there  will  be  a  fighting 
fund  at  hand  to  defeat  electrical  invention  grabbers 
who  infest  law  offices  and  who  merely  rob  the  weak 
and  unprotected  but  quail  before  any  corporation 
strong  enough  to  protect  its  rights.  The  history  of  in- 
ventors is  a  sad  one,  as  I  detailed  in  my  ^^Evolution 
of  Man  and  His  Mind,"  but  I  intend  to  make  my  in- 
ventions an  exception  to  the  rule  in  that  respect, 
through  a  full  understanding  of  the  things  to  avoid 
and  through  knowing  what  to  do;  information  the 
poor  inventors  did  not  possess.  It  is  only  the  one  who 
has  "awareness"  that  avoids  the  bunco  game.  Patent 
attorneys  there  are  of  unimpeachable  integrity  and 
these  are  to  be  employed  in  fighting  the  new  issues 
through  for  my  corporation,  and  as  to  the  Book  & 
Electric  Typewriter  Company,  it  is  officered  by  honest 
men  who  favor  only  honest  methods,  hence  there  is 
but  one  kind  of  stock,  called  common;  no  tricks  to 
freeze  out  or  hide  profits  or  to  concentrate  the  stock 
sold  in  the  hands  of  dishonest  few,  as  has  been  done  in 
other  corporations,  nor  does  any  of  the  stock  go  upon 


Wall  street  or  into  the  hands  of  brokers.  Dealings 
are  direct  between  the  purchaser  and  the  Company, 
nor  are  flamboyant  promises  and  advertising  schemes 
to  be  used  to  secure  the  working  capital  needed. 
Merely  enough  stock  is  to  be  sold  to  construct  the  nec- 
essary machine  shop  and  make  the  models  and  first 
output  of  typewriters  and  to  secure  the  patents;  the 
company  then  becomes  a  close  corporation,  depending 
upon  its  manufactures  and  valuable  machinery  for 
profits;  and  never  a  drop  of  ^Vater"  shall  ever  get 
into  the  stock,  for  the  aim  of  the  incorporators  is  to 
gradually  build  up  a  co-operative  and  profit  sharing 
establishment  on  the  successful  plans  of  the  Euro- 
pean concerns  mentioned,  believing  that  the  welfare 
of  our  neighbors  is  bound  up  in  our  own  and  that 
by  justice  to  all  can  we  be  happiest  ourselves. 

Whoever  subscribes  and  pays  for  a  share  of  stock 
in  this  company  at  the  par  value  of  ten  dollars  per 
share  will  have  his  interests  conscientiously  guarded, 
and  we  hope,  in  time,  realize  a  fortune  from  the 
venture.  Everything  is  open  and  above  board  and, 
as  far  as  compatible  with  economy,  for  postage  ex- 
pense mounts  up,  every  stockholder  will  be  apprised 
of  the  doings  and  progress  of  the  company  in  its 
patent  securing  and  manufacturing,  and  the  first 
dividend  issued  will  be  with  rejoicing  of  all  partici- 

Capitalists  willing  to  float  corporations  were 
avoided  as  often  unconscionable  and  liable  to  exploit 
stock  improperly.     Then  it  is  unwise  to  disclose  de- 


tails  of  inventions  to  too  many  until  they  arc  pat<^mt- 
ed ;  so  scattered  small  stockholders  who  are  willing 
to  trust  to  me  to  guide  matters  aright  are  preferred  as 
securing  principles  which  the  directors  will  maintain. 

Every  company,  whether  incorporated  or  not, 
has  to  depend  upon  the  honesty  and  skill  of  one  per- 
son, usually  the  originator,  until  firmly  established  so 
that  the  business  may  be  run  automatically,  and  the 
old  idea  of  irresponsibility  of  corporate  control  is 
being  replaced  by  the  knowledge  that  no  corporation 
is  better  or  worse  than  those  at  its  head. 

On  the  title  page  of  this  book  there  is  an  intima- 
tion that  problems  for  making  the  world  better  had 
been  solved  in  England,  France  and  Germany.  These 
methods  are  to  be  applied  by  the  author  of  this  book  in 
conducting  the  business  of  the  Book  &  Electric  Type- 
writer Company,  in  the  belief  that  the  workmen  will 
take  a  greater  interest  in  an  establishment  that  looks 
out  for  the  interests  of  the  humblest  person,  paying 
just  wages,  rendering  to  capital  and  employees  what- 
ever is  due  either,  and  remembering  that  talent, 
ability  and  the  use  of  money  deserve  fair  compensa- 
tion as  well  as  does  industrious  and  painstaking  labor, 
without  making  the  sentimental  mistakes  that  have 
defeated  the  good  intentions  of  those  who  had  not 
sufficiently  studied  how  to  make  co-operative  com- 
panies successful.  But  the  co-operative  plans  will  not 
apply  until  later,  when  the  stockholders  of  the  Book 
&  Electric  Typewriter  Company  have  a  chance  to  dis- 
cuss the  feasibility  of  proposed  methods,  and  after 


full  deliberation.  Meanwhile  the  business  of  the  com- 
]Dany  will  be  conducted  with  observance  of  the  'New 
Jersey  and  Delaware  corporation  laws  and  for  the 
profit  of  the  investors. 

The  present  price  of  ten  dollars  per  share  in  the 
Book  &  Electric  Typewriter  Company  will  be  main- 
tained imtil  the  completion  of  the  second  model  and 
patent  application,  after  which  the  price  will  be  raised 
without  further  notice. 

Communications  and  payments  for  stock  subscrip- 
tions should  be  sent  to  Dr.  S.  V.  Clevenger,  Secretary 
and  Treasurer,  Book  &  Electric  Typewriter  Company, 
Box  7,  Atlantic  City,  New  Jersey. 



Some  Kinds  of  Fun   3 

Strenuosity    7 

Thwarting  a  Prophecy 21 

Wireless  from  Mars   24 

Old  New  Orleans  29 

The  Sons  of  Senegambian  Simians 41 

Among  Mexicans  47 

Soldier  Fun  , 51 

Indians  and  Gold  Mines 58 

Old  St.  Louis 69 

Hungry  and  Thirsty 75 

Fun  on  Surveys 85 

Steamboating   '90 

Baldwin    94 

King  Mike    102 

Crazy    Folks     109 

Fun  with  Illinois  Grafters    134 

Ambitions    145 

Fortunes   in   Books    147 

Degraded  Expert   Business    156 

Lecturing     192 

Fun  with  Chicago  Boodlers  199 

Martinets     212 

Old   Chicago    229 

The   Old   Hospital    .255 

Welfare  of  the  Multitude  263 

Inventions    276 

The  Evolution  of  Man 
and  His  Mind 

By  Dr.  S.  V.  Clevenger 

6 1  5  Pages 

Price  $2.00 

Evolution  Publishing  Company 
Atlantic  City,  N.  J. 

"A  rich  store  of  useful  information  and  pleas- 
ing fancy.  We  commend  it  most  highly." — 
Journal  of  Nervous  and  Mental  Disease. 

"Original  and  valuable." — Prof  E.  S.  Morse, 
Peabody  Academy   of   Science,   Salem,   Mass. 

"The  author  is  a  man  of  wide  reading  and  an 
ingenious  thinker." — Jovirnal  American  Medical 

"Deserves  close  attention." — Journal  of  Men- 
tal Science,  London. 

"A  wealth  of  information  and  labor." — Micro- 
scope, Ann  Harbor,  Mich.  University. 

•'I  recommend  it  to  my  class  as  well  worth 
study." — Prof.  W.  K.  Moorehead,  Phelps  Acad- 
emy, Andover,  Mass. 

"Facts  attractively  set  forth.  I  use  the  book 
for  reference  in  my  class  Avork."— Prof.  ^V.  H. 
Sherzer,  State  Normal  College,  Michii-an. 

Medical  Jurisprudence 
of  Insanity 

By  Dr.  S.  V.  Clevenger 

2  Vol 


1400  Pages 

Best  Law  Sheep  $12;  Cloth  $10 


Evolution  Publishing  Company 
Atlantic  City,  N.  J. 

"Extensive  research,  valuable  for  reference." — 
American  Journal  of  Insanity. 

'"Absolutely  necessary  to  any  lawyer." — N.  Y. 
Law  Journal. 

"The  standard  work." — American  Lawyer. 

'"Most  complete  and  useful  treatise  on  the 
subject." — Albany  Law  Journal. 

"A  work  of  exceptional  merit." — Green  Bag. 

Covers  all  aspedts  of  insanity  for  physicians  and 

For  full  information  of  insane  asylum  abuses 
read  the  chapter  on  Treatment  in  this  work.